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Blended Families
dealing with distant child
My partner and I have been dating and living together for a year. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, notably my family objections to the fact that he is 38 and I am 23, but it seems to be going quite well save one thing; his son wants nothing to do with me. He is 13 years old and known me for 5 years. We got along quite well until his father and started dating. He refuses to do things that I ask him, even simple things like don't leave your three day old socks on the floor or please put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of the coffee table. He refuses to speak more then two or three words to me at time and often holes up in his room as soon as I get home from work until I go to bed. I don't believe I have done anything to warrant this action. I have gone out of my way to encourage father and son time so the kid doesnt think im trying to steal all his fathers time with him, even getting just them season tickets to a theme park that the kid had been wanting to go to for years. I don't want him to call me mom or anything dramatic, but he refers to me as "her". He spends every other wekend with his mother and so my partner and i go out for couples time, but the kid gets pissed off if we go out or see a movie without him even though we love horror movies and he hates them. Any advice for this case of jealousy?
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Re: dealing with distant child
You bf needs to put his foot down and demand that his son treat you with respect. It is your bf JOB to teach his son manners and how to be polite.
Also he should talk to him and make it clear that it is his choice not to be with the kids mom and that even if you were not in the picture they would still not be together.
Then he should take you out on a date, and when SS has an issue with it he should tell him, in no uncertain terms, to get over it fast.
Why is this kid walking all over you guys?
You aren't going to like this answer but you are entirely too damned young to parent a 13 year old. You just are. You were ten when this kid was born, ffs. And you were 18 when he met you.
I think the age difference between you and your partner is HUGE to begin with but throw in a 13 year old and it's ridiculous. And honestly, that's exactly what's twirking this kid off. Even he knows this is bullshiit.
Click me, click me!
You're probably not going to like hearing this, but your BF's son doesn't want his dad to date/live with you. You are closer in age to the son! You are too young to be a step-anything to this kid, IMO.
I do agree that BF needs to teach his kid some manners, but I doubt he's going to start now. You need to realize that there's a good chance this teenage will never accept you and that can make your life a living h*ll.
What Hindsight said - LOL! I think we're on the same wave-length
I'm getting alot of the same reaction that I got from my parents from here. I was kinda hoping that I could get some advice that didnt solely base itself on the fact that we are not the socially acceptable age difference couple. The fact is, this is the first man that I could truly connect and consider as a equal. I wish I could have one person in my life that could accept the fact that I am in fact a adult that is capable of chosing her own life and partner.
Fact- He did date someone closer to his age before me and she got the same reaction. He does get on the kids case about hs behavior, but it seems that his ex-stepmother has told him that the reason their family is no longer together is because the other women (the most recent ex and I) actively tried to destroy the marriage. The kid is willing to risk punishment to side with his stepmother even though the marriage ended because she cheated on his father with thier neighbor. He has also reacted very poorly his stepmother dating the neighbor. I think some of it is due to the fact that he no longer sees his stepbrothers because his step mother doesnt make any effort to see him even the stepmother told him that she was still his mother and still loved him.
Im trying to cut this kid some slack on the behavior because the stepmother has done so much to poison him against the ideal of having another woman in his life.
Just how many women have been coming in and out of this child's life?
Honey, just from your posts, the child has his mother, a step mother and at least one other GF before you. You are offically the flavor of the month to him.
And really, I think your BF is a player and he's the one starting relationships before the first one ends.
No one is attacking you based on the age difference between you and your SO. What they're trying to tell you is that you are far too close to the CHILD'S age. You were barely older than he is now when you came into the picture.
How annoyed and confused would you be if you had a parental figure that was only 10 years older than you?
Depending on what you mean by "cutting the kid some slack" and his dad "getting on his case," it really sounds like this is just an issue of inconsistent/poor parenting.
My bf and the BM seperated when the kid was a few months old. He married the stepmother when the kid was 3 years old. They seperated when he was 10. The girlfriend came into the picture when he was 11, and we started dating when he was 12.
Basically what I'm getting is that no one thinks its going to work because I'm too young?
There is a reason the age difference isn't "socially acceptable." You do not have the capacity to help parent a 13 year old. You simply don't.
And if your partner would put more time into parenting his kid and less effort in keeping his weenis wet, he could actually help this child heal instead of just bringing in a new woman to keep his little family intact.
I'm sorry but this kid is not ready for the next ride on the daddy can't stand to be alone merry go round, especially when he sucks at picking potential partners.
Click me, click me!
QFT.
I am the one holding back my BF from the grounding and restrictions on toys and such. Should I just let him do that and risk more resentment? He has been at wits end over the behavior that ended his last relationship because she fought with the kid constantly over his behavior. She wanted to be the parental figure very early in the reationship.
My Bf is not a player. I think he has the right to be a relationship that makes him happy and not have to hang on the past marriage.
Pretty much. Did you want to tell us how mature you are for your age now?
Your BF is a doucher who is more concerned with his girlfriend situation than with his child's well-being. A revolving door - 3 women (live-in girlfriends, no less!) in as many years - is NOT a healthy example to set for your pre-teen/teenaged kid.
What I am saying is that playing house and being a blended family are two very different things.
You need to disengage and stop trying to be a parent to the child who could be your sibling. YOU are not the child's mother and your not in a position of authority for him. Your BF is not giving you the power of authority.
Yes you deserve to be respected as an adult and a peer of his father.
https://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
This might help
I am starting to think asking for advice here is a lost cause. I asked for advice, not to be attacked over past histories. I understand that it seems like a less then ideal sitution, but I am not going to end a relationship based on the idea that we can't be happy because im considered to be a unsuitable parental figure.
His last girlfriend was a short relationship(3 months) and she did not live with them. the BM has no contact with the kid and the ex wife is content with sending texts as sole means of comunications.
And how is that different than what you're doing, already inserting yourself into his parenting decisions by telling him how to discipline his child?
I didn't say he was a player. What I said it that he needs to focus less on his relationships and more on his child's emotional well being. The woman was his stepmother for what? Ten years? What do you think that does to a child when he loses someone who played such a huge roll in his life at such an early age?
Do you think it matters to him that she cheated? No, because honestly, what she did has no bearing on how much he loves her, how used he was to having her in his life. But instead of dealing with that in a healthy way and giving the kid time to move on, he's shacking up with a younger woman. It would be nice to think 13 year olds are rational little beings who can objectively assess a situation but uhm duh, he's 13. He's acting on straight emotion and responding to a father who is putting his wants before his child's needs.
Click me, click me!
Even more reason for a 13 year old to be distant.
His birth mother has gone to the four winds, his stepmother only texts him, dude's last girlfriend lasted all of three months. In his mind, mother figures aren't reliable. To him, it's only a matter of time before you cut bait, especially with you doing all this fun shiit without him. It doesn't help that you're incredibly young and therefore it's even more likely that the relationship won't work out and he'll find himself with yet another woman who won't be around that long either.
Click me, click me!
Sure he has that right, but as a father, the emotional well being of his kid needs to be a priority. Many people who have children from previous relationships wait to introduce their kids to any S/O until their kid has adjusted to the collapse of the previous relationship. Yours moved you in and inserted you as a mother figure.
You are closer to the age of your BFs son than you are to your BFs age. That is not good for trying to have a good relationship with the kid.
he is putting his own happiness in front of his childs at the moment. he needs to stop and focus on his kid.
I strongly, strongly feel that when kids are involved, relationships need to move SLOW. As in, you've been together a year and already live w/ him. That is too fast. Period.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
At least you put it eloquently. My coffee has not kicked in yet.
Head-------------> Desk
You just don't get it. Every response you have given here just proves why you are not ready to parent any child, much less a 13 year old that has not had an easy life.
I feel so bad for this poor kid, I don't know where to start. His bio mom is not in the picture, the only mother he has really known is gone and in the two years she's been gone there have been two other women. Can you really not see how difficult that has to be for him?
Yes, your bf has a right to be happy, but he also has a responsibility to his child. A responsible parent wouldn't even have their child meet the gf after 3 months, never mind have her 'parenting' in any way. Then you come along and are living with him after a year- that is way way too fast even if your age difference was appropriate.
I am curious, how did you know him for 5 years before you started dating?
Try to take a step back and ask yourself why everyone, both here and in real life, thinks this relationship is such a bad idea. I get that you have strong feelings for him, but this isn't just about the two of you and right now neither of you is doing what's in the best interest of his son.
Obviously, telling you the age difference is a problem isn't going to get through to you. Did you also consider that maybe you guys moved too quickly? Once an individual has a child, his ultimate responsibility is to that child. Dating should be a second priority. People who have children often take it slow in relationships, because they don't want to cause distress to their child. Your BF completely disregarded his son's feelings because he wants to play house.
I'm not saying that once you have a kid, you shouldn't date, but you should be careful to keep your dating life and your child seperate until you're sure the child is ready to handle having another mother figure in his life. I feel bad for this poor kid.
You've received plenty of advice, just not the advice you wanted to hear. It was good advice, but I will indulge you:
Send the kid to boarding school. He is coming between you and your man! The little brat should be happy that he has a new mama in his life!!! Granted, there is less of an age difference between you and the kid than there is for me and 2 of my siblings, but whatever! You are sooooo mature! Luv 4ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Judging
MUD
You said the kid spends EOW with the mom, then said mom has no contact. At least keep your story straight in the same thread. LOL
This was my thought too.
I am going to take a different approach to this and suggest counseling for the dad and son, there is obviously some underlying issues here and counseling for both of them might help. I think the son is being distant in order to protect himself from disappointment incase this relationship doesn't work out, it is what he has experienced in the past and what he knows. Your SO needs to reassure him that he loves him and that will never change but you are also part of SO life and DS needs to also repect you, he doesn't need to like you but he needs to show respect and have some manners.
As for the age difference just hang in there, as your relationship progresses more will accept it for what it is two people who care about each other. MH and I have 10 years between us, with me being the older one and we have a great relationship. We don't have the 13 yo skid in the mix but we do have a 5 yo skid from MH previous relationship. GL
You've been TTC with this guy for 5 months, on top of everything else? Please, for the sake of everyone involved, just walk away.
Your BF's son already has enough issues with you being the newest "mommy figure" forced upon him, don't make things worse by trying to throw a new baby into the mix.
I never held you, but I always loved you.
Baby Squirt- September 2009
Baby Turtle- May 2010
Baby Surprise- August 2011
Really? Maybe??
No way you should go ahead and have a baby with this man, after all this is a realtionship that all others should be designed after. OMG PLEASE I beg you NOT to bring an innocent child into this mess.Why the rush??? Oh, yeah..nevermind I understand the rush.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I think the best thing for you to do is step back and disengage from the situation. Your boyfriend's son needs counseling, both individual and together with his father. Unfortuantely, he has been taught that he can't count on women in his life. That is only going to get worse if he doesn't get help, and your boyfriend probably needs help in learning how he contributed to his son feeling that way.
Without counseling the son is possibly going to grow up without knowing how to respect women or at the very least not knowing how to have a normal loving relationship with women.
I would be suggesting the same even if you were not in the picture or were the same age as your boyfriend. I think the issues here, go way beyond your age.
I have a 12 year old stepson. From the very beginning of dating his father and even now, I say to myself- Is our behavior teaching him how to be a good husband and father? If the answer isn't a definite YES, then the behavior needs to be modified.
It's not that you're "not socially acceptable". It's that a 13 year old sees a 23 year old as more of a babysitter figure rather than a parent figure. It's reality.
No one here has implied that you are not an adult or not capable of choosing a life partner. All that is being said is that if you MAKE this choice then along with it comes consequences/results, one of which is his 13 year old son not liking you.
If you are upset that he calls you "her" then I don't think it's right that you call him "the kid".
Also...it sounds as though this poor child has been through a lot of change. As I understand it he has 1) a bio-mom, 2) an ex-stepmother, 3) the woman his dad dated before you and 4) you. In his short 13 years he's seen a lot of loss of people he cares about and a lot of change, just based on who his parents (notice I didn't just say his dad cause it sounds like it's happening on both sides) decide to sleep with that week.
I put this as a seperat paragraph because I want you to REALLY focus on this:
IT IS NOT FAIR FOR THIS CHILD TO HAVE TO LIKE/LOVE/CARE ABOUT EVERY SINGLE "FLAVOR OF THE WEEK" HIS PARENTS BRING HOME. (I can understand that you may not BE a flavor of the week, but see it from this boy's perspective. His parents are changing partners left and right, leaving him hurt and confused. His only defense is to be mean to the next one that comes along--you).
Also, some of this is normal 13 year old behavior. He is a TEENAGER. You were one 5 years ago when he first met you, so you should have some idea of how being a teenager is.
Get over yourself, be kind and caring, and deal with the fact that it's going to take time for him to adjust to all this change.
This.
Why does it have to be about breaking up? I think you need to examine your position with your BF. Are you prepared to make a life long commitment to him? Because with commiting to your BF you are also committing to being in SS's life as well. He's experienced so much turmoil and abandonment and will of course think you will do the same. It's not fair to him to continue being in his life unless you are absolutely prepared to stay that way. If you are, then I agree with the counselling for him and your BF and possibly even you as well. Counsellers can provide you with some tools to help you not take it so personally and maybe offer support and advice to help SS feel less out of control.
First things first, DO NOT get pregnant. Sweet jeebies that is the last thing you need to do right now. It would only make things even worse for his son, who is clearly struggling to find his place in his Dad's life, and in a bigger sense the world. You also admitted that moving in together was a rushed decision, this TTC business has been to. So stop. Slow down. Wait a couple of years. If youre relationship can survive the next few years, great. If not, there will not be another innocent child dealing with the poor choices of it's parents.
Now, for some practical advice. My H is considerably older than me. And it has posed huge challenges, especially where his son is involved. He is 15. I am 30. He will never look at me as a parental figure, and it is hard to get him to treat me with any sort of respect. Now, I feel like all people, regardless of who they are should be treated respectfully, but I fully understand that his feelings towards me are very conflicted. He sees that I am a responsible member of our household. I cook, clean, work, pay bills, etc. But he was told by his mom that he did not have to listen to me, so what is the kid supposed to do? It's a sucktastic situation.
I can promise you it will get worse before it gets better. Likely a lot worse, and you need to ask yourself if you can handle that. There is no magic switch to flip that will make him like you, or make him listen to you. And consequences need to be appropriate, but more importantly his Dad needs to talk to him about treatly all other people with respect. And you need to be sure that you are treating him respectfully too. You should not be the one constantly telling the kid to pick up after himself (made that mistake myself), his Dad should be. You need to be including him in family activities, not excluding him. Sure having grown-up date night is great, but it shouldn't be at the expense of doing things with him. He needs to feel included, and safe, and I can promise you that right now he doesn't. And make sure that not all fun activities are exclusively father-son time. There needs to be balance for him to understand your role in his life. Yes, he should have plenty of time with just his Dad, but he also needs to understand where you fit in.
Dating/Marrying someone who is older comes with a lot of sacrifices, and only you know if you can make them. It isn't easy to watch your friends being in one stage and you being in another (which you will be with a 13+yo stepson). It's not easy to come to the realization that you won't get as much time with your spouse as others, that barring unforeseen tragedy they will likely die way before you, potentially leaving you a widow at a young age-even if he lives to be 70 you will only be 55, and that is NOT old. Then there are potential health issues, and other life changes, that he will experience, that you will be way far behind on. And vice-versa. Things that you will be going through will be old hat for him, and that can lead to some frustrating situations. So, really give this some thought before you get in any deeper. This is coming from someone who has been in your shoes, so please don't take this lightly.