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Blended Families
dealing with distant child
This discussion has been closed.
Re: dealing with distant child
And your bf allows this because...???
You're dating someone who has been through multiple relationships in just a few years, who seems to have extremely poor taste in women, and you were actively trying to have a child with this guy? Don't you ever wonder why your boyfriend's relationships end badly? (I'll give you a clue: it can't be blamed entirely on the women!)
The more information you post, the trainwreckier this gets and the sorrier I feel for your boyfriend's son. The two of them need to go to counseling and dad needs to take a looooong break from dating anyone. You definitely need to go to counseling on your own. If you had any self-esteem, you would have spotted all the red flags this loser has been throwing up from the beginning and run for the hills.
Come back to this guy in 10 years. The fact that you moved in with this guy and his son after a few months? of dating and are now playing mom to a 13 year old and whining that he doesn't listen to you speaks volumes not for your age but your maturity level.
Give yourself 10 years to have a life, have fun, and go places and meet people before you tie yourself down at 23. You don't need a baby, and the world doesn't need one more immature mother. If this guy is the love of your life, you can enjoy your lives together in another 10 years, without the drama of the teenage kid and near teenage mom.
What was your relationship like with your BF before you started dating? You said you got along well with his son at this time?
My advice is that you disengage. You know you can't be a mother to this child. At 13 he has his mind made up and I seriously doubt anything will change anytime soon. Continue to give your BF and his sone their bonding time, and talk to your BF in private about things that his son does that you do not like. For example, if his son leaves dirty socks on the floor, ask his Dad to address it. Take a backseat, although I know it might be hard being that you guys live together and his son is there most of the time.
My parents split up when I was around that age, and my Stepmom is only 10 years older than me, and I thought she was a piece of Sh!t. Mostly because my dad had an affair with her while my parents were still married, but I never looked at her as a "parent". Figure out your role in the relationship and as other suggested, I also recommend counseling! Your bf's son has seen a lot of women (even if it is only 4) come and go in his Dad's life, and it really does have a negative effect on a kid.
GL
First things first, DO NOT get pregnant. Sweet jeebies that is the last thing you need to do right now. It would only make things even worse for his son, who is clearly struggling to find his place in his Dad's life, and in a bigger sense the world. You also admitted that moving in together was a rushed decision, this TTC business has been to. So stop. Slow down. Wait a couple of years. If youre relationship can survive the next few years, great. If not, there will not be another innocent child dealing with the poor choices of it's parents.
This, a million times over, this. If you want to "prove" you're an adult, then make a TRULY adult decision and DON'T HAVE A CHILD w/ this guy for at least a couple years.
There are way too many issues at hand right now, and I can't stress enough how if you think things are bad now, if you throw in a baby, they will only get unbelivably worse.
Be smart about this. Even if this guy really is THE guy for you, you've got to get on much more stable ground. Issues that you are having w/ his child DO end relationships, even the best of relationships.
BE SMART ABOUT THIS. You admit you moved in too quickly. Don't add on having a child too.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Perhaps BF's DS is acting out because he has a crush on you and he is jealous of dad and mad at you for choosing his father over him? Not to beat a dead horse, but you are closer to his age than his father's.
My two cents:
From the other side of it, I can tell you the one time my father brought home someone close enough in age to be my sister, my actual sister and I made her life a living hell and ran her out of town faster than you could blink. At the time, my sister was 16 and I was 20. My parents had been divorced for about 6 months and I wasn't going to let some twit come into my dads life and take over, attempting to tell my sister when to do in HER house. (I had already moved out and was going to school).
Bratty? Yes. Selfish? Sure. A classic sign of immaturity? Yep that too. None of that mattered to me. All I knew was this young chippy was trying to take my dad and my moms side wasn't even cold yet in my eyes. My 16 year old sister was still living at home, and still adjusting to the divorce, and this person was already trying to move in and, in some ways, replace our mom.
I honestly feel really bad for "the kid" as you so kindly call him. He is going to need therapy at the very least. He has learned women can't be trusted, that they come and go, and the one woman ( his stepmom) he thought would stay in his life is barely texting him.
Give him a break for Christ's sake. Take a step back. Ignore the plate on the coffee table and just give him some space. Should he be more respectful? Sure. Is he going to? Not likely. I doubt he has any more respect for his dad at this point than he has for you.
Oh, and to agree with the PP's. DO NOT TTC right now. You are going ot want a lot of attention when it comes to your first baby, (which isn't a judgement) and now is just not the time in thsi little families life.
ae of op?
That is BS. Just a few examples of ways that have given him reason to act this way.
1. He is an average teen, full of hormones and multiple changes.
2. You have been in his life for five years and recently you became a part of the revolving door of women that his father dates. To him, it is only a small amount of time before you are gone forever.
3. You are young. You are in the age range that 13 year old guys find is hot. He does not want a SMIL. He wants a role model, because his dad's dating example is terrible.
4. You are trying to bring another baby into the house. Talk about embarrassment. He is going to be in college by the time his half sibling is in kindergarten. He won't be able to take his sibling anywhere without stares and assumptions. Most will just assume that he is a teen dad and your BF is grandpa.
See this from his side. You are the 23 year old ticking bomb that walked into his broken home only to make it worse. Postpone any idea of TTC, at least until you can work out the problems with him. THERAPY is needed. This poor kid has gone through way too many changes way too quickly. I think he needs someone that can help him cope with all of it. But you and dad can't help, he needs a professional therapist specialized in teens with families going through divorce.
Also if you want kids you need to learn to not take this kind of bad behavior personally. You kid is going to do it. Probably from age 1 to 24, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for months. It has nothing personally to do with you, it has to do with the kid, and how things are affects them at the time.
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This.
I'm 36, my DH is 36 and my SS is 8. I am not my SS's parent. When we are alone I view my role as preventing him from hurting himself, someone else or something really expensive. The rest he can explain to his father. I only enforce rules that his father has explicitly explained to him I have the authority to enforce. If his room is messy and it's bothering me then I ask my husband to ask my SS to clean it up. You've got to step away from trying to play a parent role regardless of the age difference.
You've got to have an open conversation about this with your BF. He needs to set house rules and explain to your SS what is/is not acceptable and what you have the authority to enforce in your BF's absence. The rest you just have to let go.
My situation may be different. My husband and his ex have shared custody but she is primary. They're divorced for a reason but despite any disdain they have for each other the kid comes first. If they put the child first and the stepparents don't overstep their roles, it can work. I don't mean to say we're perfect and have all the answers but we all put my SS first and most everything lines up behind that.
And that's something else to keep in mind. The boyfriend/spouse will always love the child first. You'll always be second. You came along later and that's just the way it is.
We had separate residences until we were married (I listed my townhome after we got engaged). I just don't think it's a good idea to live together when a child is involved. It's confusing, especially for a 13 yo whose seen his father bring several woman into his life.