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ABColeslaw
member
Angel Baby Elisabeth Adelle April 2008
My UO in regard to Weddings and Etiquette
ABColeslaw
member
Okay I put in my time on the knot when I was planning my wedding. I didn't put as much time in on the knot as I do here, but I was a regular. So I know that many of your will disagree and say "etiquette says" So let me preface that this is an anti etiquette post.
I think that weddings should be personal and that anything the bride and the groom want should go. When I was on the knot there were several ladies believed that if you didn't have an open bar it was tacky, that people who weren't serving cake were tacky, that having themed weddings were tacky.
I bring this up because I have a cousin who is planning her wedding and when she talks about other people's weddings and what is acceptable and what is not, I want to punch her in the face. We know people from Northern Maine who are from a small very close family and community. Where they are from it is very common practice for weddings to take place at a hall and the whole community to come and decorate and bring food. Kinda like potluck. My sister said it was the most fun she'd ever had at a wedding and the pictures were amazing. When my cousin found out all she could talk about was how tacky it is to have people bring dishes and that the bride and groom weren't being good hosts....and how awful to ask someone to make your flowers for you instead of paying a florist. It just kinda makes me sick, I think when you get married you should be able to throw any kinda of wedding and party that you want. And I don't think its tacky to have family and friends help.
Asher Benjamin and Lola Aisling
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My Spring Babies!
Angel Baby Elisabeth Adelle April 2008 Asher Benjamin April 2010
Lola Aisling May 2014
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My UO in regard to Weddings and Etiquette
who would want to go to a wedding if they were all identical. I think they should be individual.
sorry, the wedding isn't all about the bride and groom. Thats just selfish. If you invite someone to a party you are hosting, its also about the guests.
I cannot stand the childish mindset of its alll about MEEEE and my special day. Drives me batty. I can't imagine inviting someone to a party I threw and not considering their comfort.
I miss the days were etiquette was the norm.
Tales of the Wife
I can honestly say that in my group, people would have been beyond annoyed if they couldn't even BUY their own drinks. They would much rather have a cash bar than no bar at all and I can say that with 100% certainty.
So do you really think that if a bride and groom wish to have family and friends involved by making it pot luck and more a casual party, that they are being selfish?
I think its crazy just because its a wedding that there are all sorts of rules attached. When I have a cookout people bring dishes. Sometimes its BYOB, sometimes its not. I don't think my guests are uncomfortable.
And Ali I agree.....people would have been bull crap if we had no bar at our wedding just because we couldn't afford a cash bar.
My comments were in response to "anything the bride and groom want should go." Thats crap IMO. And thats not special for a wedding. Thats ANY party where you chose to invite others. Its selfish to make it all about you and not consider the comfort of the people you invite.
I have to agree that you should consider the comfort of your guests.
I went to a wedding were there were no chairs for the ceremony and the reception was open seating because the bride couldn't be bothered to do a seating chart. It was a nightmare with families trying to find a table they would all fit at.
As far as the bar- I still stand by my opinion. You don't invite guests to your wedding and then ask them to pay. You provide what you can afford.
as a guest, I have never been angry about anything a bride an groom have done. But thats not the point. As the hosts, you should consider your guests. Its the definition of selfish to only worry about yourselves and say screw everyone else. If thats how the bride and groom really feel, they should elope. Then it really is all about them. If you want your loved ones there, you should consider their comfort. Thats the polite thing to do.
IMO its jeuvinile to have the attitude of "MEMEMEME. " I'm not accusing you of that, I'm just saying that in general.
plus, of course you basically have to go in some cases. Do you really think I'm going to miss my best friends wedding or my sisters wedding just because they are doing something that makes me uncomfortable or are attention whores? Of course not. I'm still going to go because I'm not selfish. but that doesn't excuse them being selfish, either.
A wedding is one of those things where you should have a party based on what you can afford. If you can't afford open bar, that's fine - but don't do cash. If you can't afford a giant reception hall - do a backyard wedding, but don't make people bring food. You can do a nice, fun, non-tacky wedding on a tight budget, but don't expect your guests to pay for your "luxuries." I'd much prefer a nice beer from a keg and some sandwiches to having to pay for your signature cocktail (really?) and donate money for your honeymoon to Greece while trying to figure out how to transport eggplant parmigiana as my admission fee.
And what if what you can afford is a backyard cookout that is pot luck? I'd rather go to that wedding for someone I care about, than miss out on the wedding because the only other option was a JP without a party.
I will say this is a grey area for me. I donm't really have an answer. I would think that a cake and punch reception would be affordable, though. Maybe not.
But, I'm not completely sure I'm against pot lucks in all cases.
I just don't like the attitude of "whatever the bride and groom want, screw everyone else." thats all
See, I'm stuck in between IB and you on this one Holly...
I love certain parts of etiquette, maybe because I was in etiquette classes as a child. I like knowing where the fork goes, what order to eat in, ect. And I definatly think the bride should think of guests comfort. For example, at my wedding we had a kids corner with kids picnic tables, games, coloring books, ect. We also had pencil boxes filled with candies, games, ect for kids at their assigned seat to help them get though dinner. And because it was a 2 hour plated dinner, I had the kids get the soup course (it was strawberry soup) then immediatly get their meals and then could go play. I got LOTS of thanks from parents for that and they then could have fun!
But, I also believe that the bride and groom should be happy! If the guests know and understand that you are on a budget and you don't invite 200+ guests, then say you can't afford anything, exceptions should be made. Just because you can't afford a big and lavish wedding doesn't mean you shouldn't have one..
Does this make sense?
Well she'll think my wedding was tacky as can be then! lol
lets see.... beach wedding got rained out so we got married at the sight of our reception which was an elks lodge
we had a cash bar b/c we don't drink and don't support it
I made my own flowers, FIL grew them in his garden and me and my MILs and an aunt put all the bouts and arrangements together.
I also made my own invites and wrote the entire ceremony, not sure what she would think of that! lol
Oh yeah and the kicker, I got my dress on ebay! lol
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1a1ae8.aspx[/img][/url]
I agree with that, by the way
I guess I've been misunderstood. I was more complaining about the attitude that a wedding that doesn't cost $20 grand isn't worth having. I also had activities. special food, and treat baskets for the kids at my wedding. But the wedding my cousin was complaining about, although pot luck, was also very child friendly. People had a blast.
well she just sounds like a snob.
although I personally don't think a wedding needs to be child friendly. Ours was because it was OOT and we have a ton of cousins, but I personally enjoy childfree weddings, even now that I have a kid
Here is one to think about"
I'm in a Friday wedding ( yeah I regret it now) where 3 out of 3 BM's have children ranging from 4months to 9 months.
Bride wants us there Thursday1pm till Saturday. We aren't allowed to bring our kids. I told her it was DD at rehearsal or no more me. She said ok.
Was it mean for me to say , YES but is it unreasonable for her to think that we would want to be away from our kids for that long? YES. She wants a no kid wedding and whatever, that is her right. However when the majority of your party has kids or is PG...you have to be a bit more understanding. I love this bride but she has made some nasty comments about babies and that not everyone needs to be pregnant. She thinks that her wedding is overshadowed by all of our kids.
ITA Holly.
Also. . i find it funny how cash bars are considered "tacky" . . up here it is the norm to have a cash bar. Every wedding i have gone to in MA has been a cash bar.
Oh it is... my point is that there are so many views on what is tacky and what isn't. We had a cash bar. It's the norm here. Every NY or Ct wedding I've gone to has been open bar. It's regional. I think it's tacky to say no kids.
Weren't you trying to get your wedding sponsored? Or am I completely confusing you with someone else from TK?
thats her.
I also think she's the one who said women shouldn't work because it takes jobs away from men.
Wow, can't believe I remembered that...
I think there are some points of etiquette that are archaic and yet people are still such sticklers about and use as an excuse to look down on other people in the name of "tacky" when it comes to weddings.
I LIKE getting registry cards or info in wedding invitations -- to me, that's a convenience for me as a guest to know where a couple is registered and I don't consider it gift grabby at all. But I know that's considered a no-no etiquette wise. I actually am kind of irritated if a couple doesn't include them, b/c it's more work for me to find out that information.
And I know people on here think that birthday or Christmas "registries" or wish-lists for kids are over the top and tacky, but I actually wish my relatives would do some version of them. We have a ton of nieces and nephews who are all very long-distance, so I never know what they're into, their hobbies, or their sizes and I have to remember to email my SILs before their birthdays, Christmas, etc. to get that info because otherwise it's kind of hard to buy something thoughtful and appropriate.
We have at least one family birthday every month, and it would be nice if I could go someplace like amazon and everybody would keep a list of updated suggestions. It would be a good jumping-off place even if I didn't buy off their list.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
Wait, how does someone get their wedding sponsered? What does this mean? Maybe I can get my wedding back sponsered....I need a redo on my honeymoon and will use the $ for that! :-)
And I also agree that women shouldn't work. But only because we should be spending the day at the spa getting a massage and eating chocolate covered strawberries. Just sayin...
have you thought of asking them? Not being snarky, but it seems like an obvious answer. Ask them to make a list (or give suggestions) for you. Problem solved
this. all of it.
I'm not really sure what those post have to do with right now. Mainly because that was almost 3 years ago.. Let's move on.
I LOVE registry cards, but I hate seeing things on registry's that are practical. For ex. I have a friend who I have never seen eat a slice of cake register for a $410 Waterford (maybe vera wang) cake plate. REALLY?
I think that's frickin awesome! (seriously)
I think it's sad to think that some people have open bar but because they do have to cut their invites. SCREW THAT! I wanted the guest! I wanted non stop dance partners! DH doesn't dance.
If that is all you can afford, maybe you should save up for a few more months. My wedding for $40k.. you can bet it took a while to save up that money, especially since I was out of work for part of that time. How long could it take to save up money for some burgers and beer?
Well if thats what you wanted to do....do you know how long it would take some people to save that kind of money? And yes there are some people who literally stuggled to have even a modest wedding. I know I was there. I put all my money into my adopted daughter's education and my little sister's education. So I put off getting married for years because all my money was going into something that I considered far more important that a few hours on one day. I wish I did a back yard thing, but I allowed myself to be bullied out of it. Eventually I broke down and broke my retirement to have the wedding that everyone else wanted me to have. It was a wonderful wedding, but you know what? Part of me is still resentful that coming to watch me be happy on my special day, having some burgers, and some wine wasn't good enough for anyone else and I was led to feel like white trash because I wanted to be able to be married and starting my life with Phill and take care of the children in my life they way I thought they needed to be taken care of.
I think this is one of those situations where you have to look at the whole picture to deem is something is tacky or not.
Someone having a potluck wedding where the couple have invited 400 "closest friends" the invite states, "you are expected to bring dish x, and our gift registry can be found here, here and here" Is a very different sentiment than if my niece gets married and her aunts and uncles get together to "make the day" happen, have fun decorating, making food and generally catching up to celebrate this young couple.
One scenario dictates what the guests must "give", the other is a family coming together with love and generosity to show their support and care of a couple getting married.
I agree that a couple can do anything they like for their wedding. I, in turn, get to decide how I will respond to their invitation. My decision is generally based on how much I love the couple and not on which rules they are following.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
Umm for me regardless $40K for a wedding is crazy, if I could save up that kind of money it would be going towards a house. Some people have money like that and that's fine if they want to use it that way but don't look down on people who don't or just plain and simple don't want to wait to save up for that.
We HAD been waiting for more money to have a "perfect" wedding with all the bells and whistles and then DH decided (with me) that he was going to join the Navy for a better future for our family and we had 9 months before he left. It was more important to me that we be married then waisting time saving money. Guess what my wedding day was perfect and people enjoyed themselves for ohh about $3k and only 4 weeks of planning.