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2nd Trimester
beyoga
member
Dh doesn't want 2 B in delivery room
beyoga
member
I'm getting the impression dh doesn't really want to be in the delivery room with me. He thinks the dr.'s and nurses will be there for me. Anyone out there go through labor alone? TIA
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Re: Dh doesn't want 2 B in delivery room
um...what??????
It's his kid. Man up and stand by your wife.
sorry. But that's crazy to me.
sorry that was harsh- But I think he would come around when it comes time. Dh was scared of it all, but was the best hubby and daddy once push came to shove.
Get a doula.
Not all men are cut out for it. My husband doesn't do well when I'm in labor and to tell you the truth, during L&D with #1 he was more annoying than helpful. He was nervous the whole time and all I could feel was his negative energy in the room while I was trying to relax. He had no clue what to do to help, so when I would ask for something he did it wrong and ended up upsetting me more than if I would have done it alone.
With #2 I decided to hire a doula and it took the pressure off of my husband. I actually let him sleep through my labor and he woke up just in time to be there to see his son born. That worked out perfectly for us both.
To tell you the truth, I don't really care if DH is there or not. OF course, I don't understand why he wouldn't want to be there, but I realize that not all people are cut out for it.
With this homebirth he can do whatever he wants. I have a feeling he may end up in the basement playing video games until the time comes to push and I am 100% fine with that. While my husband may be great at calming down a toddler during a tantrum, helping me calm down when I am angry or fixing just about anything that breaks in the house, he is not great at helping me when I am in physical pain or appearing to be stress-free when he is freaking out/scared to death. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
I don't really want H in there with me. I want to see his face when he first sees her but I'd prefer the old fashioned dad in the waiting room and then a nurse goes to get him type deal. Bahahaha.
If I need a c-section he won't be in there with me. I don't want him to be and he doesn't really want to be. I've had surgeries before so I'm not afraid of that and it's not something he's really comfortable with so he'll wait outside and see the baby when they wheel her out.
1- I would give DH the death glare if he EVER said he wasn't going to be in L&D w/me and meant it. Joking because he's nervous is okay- but ditching me at a time like that? HELLS no.
2- Tell him to grow up and be the man you married- the person who promised to be there for you through thick and thin, sickness and health, etc. He helped make LO and he doesn't get a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card for delivery. Make it clear to him that this is one time above all that you will NEED him.
Sorry if I sound a little mean, but seriously- my husband is here with me and will be when our son is born, and I'll be damned if he's not there with me. He can suck it up and see exactly what my body is doing to bring his child into this world!
My DH didn't want to be there either. Because I had to have a c-section, he was afraid of seeing blood and guts. I told him it wasn't an option, and he had to be there and he could just look away when he needed to. He ended up loving watching his son being born, and they arranged things so he didn't have to see the "gross" stuff.
Tell your DH to suck it up and deal. This is the birth of his child, not some routine medical procedure.
I doubt that I'll "do well" when I'm in labour but that doesn't mean I get 'excused' from the ordeal. I can't imagine DH being absent from the delivery room by choice, and definitely not relaxing/sleeping while I'm going through the delivery of our child...!!
To each their own I suppose... but
BFP #2 ~ 4/22/2010 ~ EDD 12/29/2010 ~ Born 12/19/2010 ~ My Rainbow Baby
BFP #3 ~ 6/10/2012 ~ EDD 2/20/2013 ~ HB 100bpm @ 9w3d ~ M/C 7/11/2012
BFP #4 ~ 3/16/2013 ~ EDD 11/20/2013 ~ Born 11/17/2013 ~ Rainbow Baby #2
No, I haven't experienced that alone and wouldn't want to. It sounds like your DH has some fears about the delivery and you should encourage him to open up about those fears. Maybe he could come to an OB appointment with you and ask any questions he may have to help him work through his issues. I can't imagine my DH missing such an important part of our lives without a really good reason (being deployed out of the country or very ill...like in the hospital contagious ill). You also don't want him to have regrets down the road over not being in the room to experince the birth with you. I think you should talk to him about his reasons for not wanting to be in the room and see if you can find out what the real issue is which is probably a fear on his part of seeing you in pain or possibly seeing gross stuff.
I know DH was not the type that wanted to "see" what was happening. He's not squemish but he just didn't want to see the head coming out and I was fine with him not looking (I didn't want to see either). I was covered up just fine when I was pushing and he never had to look down there. Once they rushed me in for an emergency c/s by the time he got changed and in the room they had already started making the incision and so as he walked in he just looked the other way until he got to his seat next to me.
Clomid M/C 8 weeks 2/08 *IVF #1-DD born 3/09
*Surprise BFP-T18 baby lost at 13w 1/10 *FET #1-DS born 2/11
When you're trying to give birth naturally, without any drugs, and you're doing everything in your power to remain calm and "hypnotized" to block out the pain, yet all you can feel is the bundle of nerves in the corner of the room pacing and looking like he just saw a ghost, some people just assume get the negative energy out of the room. For me it was much easier this way. I had the support of my mother, BF and doula in the room, who had much more knowledge and as women, are better able to help without being asked.
Whatever works for you.
Yes, the most important thing when you're going through possibly the most painful, wonderful, life-altering event of your life is that your husband 100% comfortable and not inconvenienced by any of it.
My husband never left my side during labor (except maybe to run to the bathroom or get me a drink). I really can't imagine it any other way. This is his child and even if he didn't care about me and what I needed, he sure as heck cared about the baby.
SAHM to two sweet girls, both born at home; Baby #3 in 2013!
1) i'm sorry, but if he's man enough to get you KUed, he should be man enough to help you through the birthing process. what a douche.
2) he needs a kick in his antiquated balls
3) barring serious illness or death, if my H chose not to be at the birth of our child (that we conceived TOGETHER), i would kindly tell him to make sure he wasn't there when we came home.
It would not even be an option for my DH. I could not imagine him not wanting to be there to see the birth and be with me while I was in labor. Plus, he wants to make sure the doctor stitches me up properly (LOL).
He also used to work as an EMT and has delivered a few babies himself. Perhaps that has removed any reservations.
I could tell my DH was really uncomfortable about the idea of being in the room with me as well ... mostly because he doesn't do well with seeing me in pain. However, I didn't give him a choice. He helped get me into the situation, now he had to help get me out of it.
He did beautifully, and was a great benefit to me while I was laboring. This time around, he knows what to expect and is excited to help me through it again
The Mouse ~ 06.12.08 | The Froggy ~ 02.23.11
I beg your pardon!! What!?? First, I'm so sorry. You should not have through this alone. Second, on a much harsher note, he had the fun of making this baby..he should be there to support and love you. It doesn't matter what his issue is (i.e. he gets queasy...or he doesn't know how to comfort). The matter is that he LOVES you and because of that he should be there. Also, he's going to miss out on such a beautiful expierence. I would NOT let him off the hook, but for you....I may still hire a doula or plan to have a close family member there.
Sending you a big HUG!
This, and then I'd still encourage your DH to be in there with you if that's what you want, but you wouldn't have to rely on him quite as much for support, since it sounds like he's rather uncomfortable with childbirth (it does freak guys out to see their wives dealing with pain - I honestly think DH was more apprehensive about child birth and my c/s than I was because he was worried about me).
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!
I would tell him that you expect him there, it's about the both of you and someone you created together.
I would hate to think he would regret not being there later on.
Which birthing method did you/are you choosing that doesn't also include the spouse in birthing techniques? Prior to choosing the Bradley method I researched multiple techniques and all of them also focused on preparing your spouse/coach.
That may change by the end. DH didn't want to see anything either, but during my c/s when they said he could stand up to watch them pull DS out if he wanted to, he popped right up. He also was adamant about not cutting the cord , but ran right over to do it when the time came.
I was very clear that I needed him right there with me. He didn't have to see anything he didn't want to and told him he could just stay by my head, but he needed to be there for me. You need to have a serious talk with him about what you need and why he doesn't want to be there.
For me this would be a non-negotiable. He helped conceive the baby, he is going to help support me while I deliver it.
End of story.
Carina 12.28.2010 | Aurelia 9.23.12 | Chart - Round 3
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
I personally told DH its ok if he doesn't want to be there. some people really have a hard time with blood etc. my friends husband is an rn but while he was in school he passed out during delivery. so he wasnt there during his wifes.She just had her sister or something be her birth coach.
personally. its nothing to do with their love for you/the baby etc. they just know they won't be a support to you because they're not able to be around that stuff.
think of it like this. if he comes in after and misses all the "gruesome" stuff. he won't feel like birth was traumatizing, it was just beautiful. Go ahead and tear me apart. but lets be honest. how many men really think a baby coming out of their wifes vagina is beautiful. idk but my guess is MOST (not all but most) don't. i think its beautiful. but then... i'm not a man.
edit- oh and also. maybe you could think about hiring a doula. i know it sounds weird having a random person there. but doula's are great birth supports. mine is SO knowledgeable and makes me feel so much more confident. no lie, she may end up being a better support than DH. he's great and all. but she's actually experienced birth. not to mention their c section rates are significantly lower.
If it's just an impression you have, you could be wrong. You'll need support from someone else besides doc and nurses--they aren't in the room the whole time sine they have other patients--you would be spending a lot of time by yourself depending on how long you labor. If it's just that he'll feel like he's in the way, that won't be true. Good luck!
i'm kinda with you here. i gave mine the choice and he definately wants to be there. but there's something about the mystery of it for men that i really like. if he changes his mind its ok tho. and i definitely want him sittin by my head while i'm pushing haha
Agreed. I hate to say this, but I am going to be honest. I think i would make DH stay with me. That is probably due to the fact that I don't like my MIL or my mom - so I would have no other options.
I can't imagine DH not being there with me. He was nervous with DS, but he was great support for me through the whole thing, and he enjoyed so much seeing our child for the first time with me. It was such an awesome experience to go through together, and I can't imagine him not being there! He will certainly be there this time around, and every other time we have child.
If your DH really refuses, and you are ok with that, I would get your mom or best friend or someone there to support you.
Honestly, I really don't think it's that big of a deal. With DS my DH was in the room, but looking back, birth really is quite personal. You can have as many people as you want in the room, but in the end, you're still the only one actually giving birth.
I second the doula suggestion. If your DH is not comfortable and thinks he wouldn't do well, then I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I don't look at it as being "old fashioned", some people aren't the birthing room type. Do whatever works for YOU and your spouse.
I had my DH in my first delivery and my DH and doula in my second. There is no way you should give birth alone. If your DH can't man up and be there, you should find someone who can. A doula is a great choice or you can ask a friend, sister, or mom.
Not to scare anyone here, but complications can and DO happen. Does your H really want to be sitting in the waiting room if something goes wrong with you or the baby? I had some very scary moments in L&D and I can't imagine being alone during them and I don't think DH would have forgiven himself if he had been in the waiting room instead of holding my hand like he should have been.