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Blended Families
hello introducing myself (kinda long)
Hello!
I decided to introduce myself here because after reading the post here I feel like I wont be flamed for questions I have like some of the people in my life do to me. Well I will let you all know I?m 19. (This is probably the main reason I get flamed. I?m ok with that.) I?m engaged to my best friend and we are going to be married next September. We have been friends since grade school and started dating the end of our senior year in high school. He has a son who is 14 months old. I love him so much I have been in his life since he was born. He calls me mom and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when he does. I get along with his bio mom. We don?t talk whole lot but we get along so I?m happy for that. I am pregnant with a little girl, I?m due VERY soon. We are very excited. I know some of you much be thinking that he cheated on her with me and they broke up or whatever.(I?ve gotten that from people often.) But that was not the case. They were together and after she was pregnant she said left him and told him the baby wasn?t even his. But after about 6 or 7 months she came back and told him that it was his and it was a boy and all that stuff. We at this point were dating for a few months but I wasn?t going to just up and leave him for her surprising all of it on him. After he was born they got tested to make sure he was his son. He has now has 50/50 custody but really keeps him more the time. We are planning to get full custody after we are married and are a bit more settled. At the moment he is finishing up school. And I already finish school and proud to say I have a degree in pastry arts. I didn?t stop school when I found out I was pregnant. I?m very happy with the way our lives are going right now so if you made it this far thanks for reading and glad to have found a place were I can feel excepted and seek advice.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: hello introducing myself (kinda long)
It might get a little hot in here OP, but PLEASE DO NOT DELETE YOUR POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are 19, and pregnant. Your boyfriend has a 14 month old kid, and I am assuming he is 19 as well. So, he likely got BM KU at 16 or 17. Yikes. Please understand that likely you will get flamed for getting into this situation. Although it doesn't matter because it is way too late now. Why do babies wanna have babies?
Anyway, as LittleJen so kindly pointed out you cannot just get full custody for no reason at all. This childs mother would need to be proven unfit, and it sounds like she isn't, so you might as well drop that charade right now. As for the child calling you Mom. Hells to the no. He has a mother-you are not it. If his mother was non-existant and was going to remain that way then that would be different, but that is not the case. And really, how would you feel if your child called someone else Mom???????????
Please stick around. You have a lot of learning to do, and I don't mean that in a bad way at all. There are a lot of great women hear who will give you sound advice, even if it is not what you want to hear, I promise you they mean well, and have you and your childrens best interests at heart.
I know a pair of twin boys that are about a year older than my DS and their names are Remington and Winchester.... No kidding either.
I will say, though, that I also am I young SM and mother. You're post sounds like you're happy, OP, and that's good. But it's not all puppies and rainbows.The posters on this board can be very harsh sometimes, but they are chock full of great advice and even better perspective.
As PPs have said, one of the biggest mistakes you made in your intro post is saying that the child calls you "Mommy." One of the most important things to remember as a Sm is where your boundaries are. Love the child, care for the child, go to the ends of the earth for them. But never try to replace the BM, and always (for the good of the child) make sure they understand that even though you might "fulfill" that role in his father's household he has a mother and that you fully support his relationship with and love for her.
Also, just to make things clear so that we can better understand you and your situations when you do post, please make sure you always (on every part of theBump/Nest/Knot and even other parts of the internet) refer to your SO as the same thing (be it FI, SO, BF, or DH if you're actually married). Honesty and consistency (not to be confused with revealing all your information on the internet) goes a long way with us and makes you a lot more believable and makes others a lot more willing to help you with less flames.
Other than that, welcome and good luck.
Just remember that your daughter will have to live with that name forever. FOREVER. Hi, my name is Remington, I am a CEO of Bank of My Mother Named Me Something Random. It is a proven fact that people judge others intelligence/education level/etc on their name.
When I hear Remington I think:
Or a shot gun. Yikes. Just remember that this is the name she will carry with her through elementary school when children are nothing if not cruel. Middle School when the cruelty takes on a whole new level, and high school when most kids are just trying to fit in. Not to mention future work places, and careers.
Best of luck to you in your blended family situation. You are not that child's mother and allowing him to call you mom because it makes YOU feel good is not putting the well being of the child first. Again I ask, how would you feel if little Remington called someone else mom?
It's not about you. That's one of the biggest things we stand up for on this board. If BM and BF are comfortable with this, and you remain in this child's life forever, then we are preaching to the wind. But the bottom line is, things like this typically cause resentment later in life. Especially when there is the chance that you won't be in the child's life later.
Not trying to hurt you feelings or rain on your parade. But you're 19 (not all that much younger than me albeit). Your SO had a child in HS with someone else; you are having a child almost straight out of HS. The both of you are going to be doing a lot of growing up and maturing (not due to your situations, just because that is what people your age do). You may be able to grow together, and that would be wonderful. But you may end up growing in two very different directions. The point I'm trying to make is that your position is not steady enough to say with any degree of certainty that you will be this child's SM forever (if you make it to marriage in the first place).
Of course, there is not much you can do about changing the habits that have become to securely comfortable toa young tot now. But be aware that in the future, what is comfortable to him now and makes you feel "warm and fuzzy" could end up causing some discomfort for him and eventually resentment. So if he starts calling you something else, I would let it go as long as it is respectful.
My SD has asked before if she could call me Mom. I told her she has a mommy that loves her very much already, but I love her, too. I told her she could call me whatever she wants to as long as it is nice, and that if she wants to keep calling me by my name, that is wonderful. It's not confusing to her in the least that I am Mommy to DS and Ambrvan to her. In the past, when she has accidentally called me Mommy and I have asked again what she called me, she has replied something like, "Well, you're my mama, too. I have two mommies. But I can call you Ambrvan." Any that makes me feel good enough.
ETA - FWIW I like the name Remington. I always have. We considered the name for DS. I love the nickname Remy. And Paris, it's not really the duty of the BF board to tell her she shouldn't name her child what she likes. I say we let her at least make that adult decision without our input, since she really is jumping into adulthood headfirst.
My son was named after Nathan Beford Ford (Nathaniel) and Wyatt Earp (Wyatt, which is the name we call him by). Is that just as bad?
Nathaniel and Wyatt are both real names. Nathaniel is a name from thre Bible, so whoever it is you named him after will not be most peoples first thought. Yes Wyatt, the first thought is Wyatt Earp-and well either you like or not, but it is a name. Remington has certain associations, such as GUNS and cheesy 70's tv shows. As for it not being my place to tell her what she should or should not name her child (which is not what I was doing, I was simply pointing out the ramifications of giving your child a non-name) it's not really your place to tell me what I can or cannot say on a public message board, but thanks anyway Ambrvan.
Um, do you mean Nathan Bedford Forrest??
Because if so, did you also know that during the Civil War, he ordered the massacre of hundreds of Black Union Army soldiers? He was also the first Grand Wizzard of the KKK.
Lovely heritage for your son there.
Yes, I meant Nathan Bedford Forrest. Don't know why my fingers decided to type Ford. I think it was because DH was talking about a Ford truck he saw for sale.
Anyway, yeah that's what people say. I'm not going to defend our choice. I liked the name Nathaniel Wyatt, and DH happened to be the one who came up with it. I didn't know until after he was born that his idea came from where it did.
DH is a civil war junky, to say the least, and he has been a reenactor for the Confederacy since he was a kid. Just because the history books in school say that's what happened, doesn't mean that's exactly true. If you took a smaller focus history class that takes a closer look at the KKK, you would also see that Forrest abandoned the KKK and pulled his support when they turned to what they did later.
I will say, though, that my DH is stuck in a time way lost and past and needs to focus on now rather than the revolutionary war. Sorry the Confederacy lost, DH, but they did. Get over it.
ETA - What's wrong with you're kid's name being associated with guns? I mean, I wouldn't call them AK47, but Remington is, in fact, a real name. And where I live, it would be one of the most popular names in any school. Everyone here is a member of the NRA, and if you don't know how to shoot or have never eaten deer meat, you're considered an outsider. Sorry, that's just the way we are out in the sticks.
Yeah, ummmm the KKK was always about the same thing.
So you married a racist, and named your son after one, how lovely. I would leave out naming your kid after that SOB, and just say you liked the name Nathaniel, and that Wyatt was your favorite.
I thought you were just young before and really naive. I supported the fact that you worked hard to get your SD out of a bad situation. NOW I have a completely lower opinion of you, your values and beliefs. Do you also believe the Holocaust didn't happen the Jewish people just made that up?
ETA - What's wrong with you're kid's name being associated with guns? I mean, I wouldn't call them AK47, but Remington is, in fact, a real name. And where I live, it would be one of the most popular names in any school. Everyone here is a member of the NRA, and if you don't know how to shoot or have never eaten deer meat, you're considered an outsider. Sorry, that's just the way we are out in the sticks.
Well if you ever want your child to have a chance at life outside of the sticks, one should consider naming their child something a little more, what's the word, dignified? Normal? Traditional? IDK, but Remington, if it is a name as you say it is, I would think it would be applied to boys and not girls. That would be like naming a boy Mary.
Certain names come with certain types of stereotypes attached to them, whether you like it or not. Remington will likely be thought of as a sheltered kid from the sticks. A girl named Remington-IDK what that would be considered. It's not stripper material, but it certainly isn't CEO material either.
To each her own, I guess. I'm sure there are plenty of things that all of us believe in and do in life that our neighbors don't agree with or support.
The BF board is not a political views board. Should we start have religious wars on here now, too? Ban all people who don't follow the Bump Bible, right? No Muslims, Christians, Hindus, etc.
This board is here about the kids, about the difficulties, joys, and legalities of a blended family.
We are good parents, no better or worse than rest of you, whether we agree or disagree with your social or political beliefs.
FTR, though, my DH is not a racist. I never once said that either of us cheered black massacres or slavery. However, we do agree that the states had the right to fight for secession and that they had the right to fight to protect their way of life and their economy. That is the part that we agreed with, their political beliefs, not their social ones.
And that's all I have left to say on the matter.
Oh grow up Ambrvan. Seriously. We are all adults here, most of us anyway, and sometimes topics stray. Just because it strays to a topic that makes you look like an ignorant redneck, doesn't mean we should not discuss it. This isn't about politics.
As far as being better parents, I can't think that someone who names their child after a known KKK member, someone who masacared whole groups of people based on their race, and ideology, is not going to pass racist beliefs onto their children. And how can you say your H is not a racist when you said he was still all butthurt that the south lost? Really? I have yet to meet a Confederate supporter that wasn't a racist. But whatever.
If you want to feel excepted, be prepared to be omitted from being ACCEPTED.
psst, that's accepted, not excepted.
So while you were dating him he had an affair/one night stand/another gf and he got her pregnant.
This is a fail right away -- bad character, for one, and why would you even want to get involved with somebody like this?
Your explanation regarding how this little bundle of joy came about still doesn't make it clear whether or not he was seeing you when this other young woman got pregnant.
LOL at
Naming a baby girl Remington.
Trying to rationalize/defend naming a child after Nathaniel Bedford Forrest.
Acting like public discourse on a forum is somehow exempt from politics/religion/etc.
To the OP, I think you need to take a step WAY back and think about your goals and ideas for your life. What's done is done, but it sounds like you will have a very long and hard road ahead. Hopefully you can achieve balance and happiness. Please take some time after the birth of your baby and don't rush into a marriage. Divorce SUCKS and you need some time to adjust before entering into a marriage.
You will take some heat on this board, but most of the advice on here is sound. Hope you stick around.
You are an idiot.
Naming your kid after the first Grand Wizard of the KKK isn't really a "to each her own" kind of thing. It's an objectively terrible parenting decision. Would you name your kid Hitler, FFS?
Your husband is a racist. And so are you, quite frankly, for defending him.
And yes, I know that your next post is going to be "We aren't racist, we have black friends." Save yourself the energy and don't bother. If your "friends" knew you glorified this man, they would not be your friends.
I suggest you educate yourself before your kid gets old enough for you to tell him about his namesake.
actually, i agree with you...to each her own and all that. it's your child, so obviously you have the right to name him/her whatever you want to.
my only issue is your refusal to own the true reason why you chose to name your child after a klansman. you were bold (in other words ignorant) enough to give your kid a klansman's name, so be bold enough to admit why you did it.
and give me a break about your reasons for supporting the south's position during the civil war. you can talk in generalities all you want "protect their way of life" LOLOLOL!!! ummmm, hello, their way of life was enslaving and oppressing people!
be proud and say it loud...you're a racist.
We didnt start dating till after she was pregnant and she left him and told him the baby wasnt his anyways until later on down the line.
AS for my daughters name I dont have a problem with people not liking it because its the name of a gun. Remi-Jean is what she will mostly be called and RJ at time Im sure. Im sure she will be teased for her name. I was because Im named Brittany...I believe thats a "normal name" too. So saying it will just cause he trouble is a waste of your time because ANY name can cause issues in school. We like her name and we wanted something different that had some meaning to it for us.
Whatever floats your boat. I tend to think it's important to show people that sometimes their decisions will be looked at in certain ways by others. It might have meaning for you, but it will have meaning to others too, and likely not the meaning you would want attached to your daughter. You have proven that how you feel is more important than anything else, and that is fine for you! Good luck!!!
We dont live in the sticks FYI, I live on the centeral coast of california. Its a beach town not a hillbilly USA! Just because her name is not CEO material for you does not mean it isn't normal and wont be accepted by others in her life. My name is "normal"or " traditional" whatever you want to call it but beacuse of Britney Spears its made fun of. I dont judge what you named your children so dont judge me. Its like telling people in other countries that what thay name there kids is wrong because its not an american sounding name. To others on this borad sorry that this all started a debate over what names are accetable in life according to paris.inthe.spring.
The Nazis were also just defending their way of life too...
A person proud that she named her kid after a grand wizard of the KKK. I have now seen it all on the nest.
You. Are. A. Moron.
Correction...
Racist. Moron.
Much better.
Brittany is a normal name for someone who is 19 and knocked up by another teen and who spells "their" like "there" and uses words like "anyways." You should have higher standards for your offspring.
But yeah, generally I agree with you. I really don't care what people name their kids. Unless they are naming their kids after supreme wizards of the KKK then I get all kinds of
Well, I was actually referring to Ambrvan and her statement that out in the sticks where SHE lives Remington is a very popular name.
And really, while I am sorry that your thread got hijacked and went off topic, it's bound to happen from time to time, so deal with it. And it isn't about what names are acceptable to me, but you should know that people will judge your child's name, especially when they are older and sending out resumes in a professional environment. I am not saying that it is right, but it does in fact happen. Read Freakanomics, it will tell you all about how your name does have an effect on how successful you will be in life.
And the comparison to what other people in other countries name their children is completely and utterly non-applicable to this situation. We are NOT in another country. I would never judge a person in Sweden for giving their child a Swedish name, or even a person in America of Swedish decent giving their child a Swedish name. I will gladly judge an American for naming their child Madysyn or Caydyn or Kamdyn or Remington for that matter. Be unique all you want, just know that others will judge that child for it. And for someone who claims she was made fun of for her name, you should be a little more sensitive to that when naming your own child. But you have proven this is about YOU, and not what is best for your spawn. As far as my children go, I don't have any that came from me-because I know how to use birth control.
Besides, Remington is kind of boring.
It should at least be: Reighmingtyn.
NaturalBlond FTW!
Um, I just can't let this go.
American Civil War. Not Revolutionary War.
Dear God, the state of education in this country makes me vomit.
All I can think of is the razor or the TV show named Remington STeele.
For the first time in my life I am embarrassed that I live in California. I really never thought it could get worse then having the Govinater but you sweetheart have managed to top him.
I have not read anything beyond this reply but wanted to say that you have no right to enjoy hearing him call you Mom b/c you are not. And I assume he is saying mama b/c he is only 14mos. Every single time he says mama to you, you tell him your name or whatever other name you come up with that is NOT mama, mommy, ma, mother, etc. Even if you did get custody he has a mother and you will never earn any respect being a 19yo that gets pleasure out of another woman's child calling her Mama, and certainly will invite tons of drama with the BM. Stop the drama and realize that if you and your BF get married that you will have a place in his life as his SM, even if it is full-time, but that you are not his Mother. You said you know that you know you are only his SM but honestly, not are not his SM even, you are his Dad's GF (or FI, I am not sure the honest answer) and that does not earn you a title of Mom.
And before anyone gets defensive saying that they are a SM even if they are not married, if you are a teenager then you do not get the title until you are married either. Others, like Phantom for example, who are mature enough to know their role in the child's life and do everything in what they truly believe is the best interest of the child and have the life experiences to actually have pretty decent judgment of what can really be the best interest of the child...well I am ok with them using the term.
The boy's name Remington is pronounced REM-ing-tun. It is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Remington is "raven-family town". The character on the TV show "Remington Steele" may have influenced use of this English surname as a given name. Also familiar to Americans as a brand of razors. Artist Frederick Remington.
Remington is an uncommon first name for men but a very common last name for both men and women (#5220 out of 88799). (1990 U.S. Census)
NOT something I would EVER name a daughter...or even a son fo that matter.
As a manager going through applications I almost didn't call back a girl who had a very you-neek name. And this was for a dog bathing posistion, lol. I did end up calling and hiring her, she is actually a great person/worker. But how easily could I have thrown it out simply by judging her by such a ridiculous name. True people shouldn't judge, but we do, why put your child through that.
And ditto with everyone else on you are very young and have so much to learn. At 19 I know I thought I knew everything and could handle being an "adult" and made a lot of mistakes. And at 24 now I know I am still learning and still maturing.
Cool thread, lol!!!
Confusing a little toddler by having him call you mom when you're not the mom = wrong.
Remington as a name for a girl - I live in CA as well and have to say I've heard worse, way worse...and not just from teen moms. Actually the 40 something first-time moms come up with some craaazy shiiit, too. As for Remi-Jean...that's actually kind of cute. Truth is, this newest generation is going to be so oblivious to weird names because everyone has a weird name these days. I hear it on the playground every day. If you don't believe me, open up a magazine and find out what the celebs name their kids...it's a trip - anywhere from a type of fruit to a well known beach. So, I wouldn't be too worried about that. In fact, my son whose name is actually very common and traditional in my grown-up generation - is the only B..... in his class. So, his name is unique! Who would have thought...
The only thing I would be worried about is naming your child after a war criminal. Be careful, little Adolf Hitler along with his nazi-named siblings was taken from his parents last month and they are all in the care of CPS now. Their f'd-up names on a birthday cake they ordered from a grocery store was the beginning of a saga that ended with the children being taken away from their parents.
Naming your kid after a KKK hero? Check.
Being so uneducated that you don't even know the difference between the Civil and Revolutionary wars? Check.
Defending slavery in the guise of "states' rights"? Check.
Of COURSE you're from Tennessee. I'm so glad I got the *** out of the Deep South and away from racist morons like you.
The parents who named their children after Hitler and other Nazis (in Massachusetts maybe?) had their parental rights terminated.
They cleary didn't have the best parental judgment.
Google it ambvran, and consider yourself warned.
There's a difference between not being a political board and naming your kid after the FOUNDER of the KKK. You make me want to vomit you piece of shit_. And yeah you don't have to say you're racist, your kids name speaks volumes. Horrid wench.
Warned against what? Nathaniel is a common name, and Wyatt is pretty trendy, too. I guess everyone who name their child Nathaniel COULD have named him after the klansman, so CPS should investigate them all!
I'm not going to not use a name just because it could be associated with a less-than-savory character. I probably wouldn't admit to naming my child after said character, but that's just me.
And here's the thing. I understand why the south wanted to break away. They wanted state's rights. Did those rights include racism? Yes. But they wanted a say-so. Racism was a motivator, but it wasn't the reason. State's rights were. No, I'm not a racist. I think racism is wrong. But I am able to separate the emotion from the issue and look at it objectively.
And of COURSE Remington's nickname will have an i at the end. Not only do you fvck over your kid's chance of success with a name like "Remington", but than you make her nickname Remi, ensuring that she'll be on the pole in no time!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
They wanted the right to own other people and force them to work for them. That's the "states' right" they fought for. To pretend otherwise is pretty ridiculous.