What age do YOU think is appropriate?

HoneyBee111409 · July 2010

I wanted to say this to a co-worker today when she asked me if I had a baby. I said no and she says "yeah you're too young to be having kids yet."

I mean really- why do people think it's their place to judge whether you are age-appropriate enough for children? I'm an adult married woman, with plenty of experience in raising children (even if they aren't mine).

I think that if you are in your twenties that is age appropriate. It so much more than age though. It's a decision between you and your husband, it's being financially able, emotionally ready (well, as ready as you can be..), and having the desire to raise a child to be a responsible adult- to enjoy a family, be a parent.

I should have said "Oh really? What age do YOU think is appropriate? I guess when I get there then you can give me your permission to start my family, and then I will." ... why do I never think of these things to say on time?

pinkflipflops44 · July 2010

whenever the hell youwant tooooo

Temp878586125009588 · July 2010

I think the right age is whenever you want children.

ManiacMcGee · July 2010

When my MIL would ask me "when are you going to have a baby?", I would always retort "When I'm old enough". We married when I was 26, so I was certainly old enough by past and current conventions, but I was still a party-er at heart, KWIM?

It is so personal and so different for every person that it is impossible to answer this question. I used to give the side eye to anyone under the age of ohhh/say/ 23? who were planning pregnancies, but since coming to the bump I've met women who are as young as 20 years old who have the wisdom and maturity of women double their age and I would never think twice about their decision.

Care to share your age?

BetchySprout · July 2010

I don't see this post ending well.

There is a big difference between a 20 year old and a 29 year old. And what is so different between a 19 year old and a 20 year old? The 19 year old is a teen mom, but the 20 year old is a mature responsible adult? What if they are both married? What if someone is a 28 year old druggie with a husband, is that ok?

And don't get me started on "experience with raising children".

ETA: My point is if someone doesn't like being judged for their age and wanting a baby, they shouldn't judge others.

FWIW, I judge my 15 year old cousin for having a baby. However, I don't judge most other people.

lilangelfac13 · July 2010

I get this all the time! My conversations are like this: "Are you married?" "Yes" "Oh, well do you have kids?" "No..." "That good. Your young, you shouldn't have kids too young." " Thanks?" First, because I'm young and married I have to be a mother already? No I was in love- thanks! Second, how can anyone tell you when to have kids? My MIL had this conversation whith us when we decide to get married. She was against it at first because she thought getting married meant we wanted kids right away. 2 years later, she won't be someone I share my TTC journey with

michood · July 2010

When the individual is emotionally, financially, and mentally capable of being a good, fit parent.

HoneyBee111409 · July 2010

I didn't mean the title of the post as I literal question - i meant it as the sarcastic response I would have liked to have said to my co-worker.

And the entire point of the post was that it was not someone else's place to judge when you should have children.

The reference to "in your twenties" was purely to say that you are a legal adult and not to endorse teen pregnancy. I personally wouldn't agree with the statement "whenever you want to have children" because there are plenty of 16 year olds out there that think that they should just have a baby because they want to, and i won't apologize for saying I think its wrong. I do have several friends that were teen moms and are great parents. That wasn't the point.

msmarsh · July 2010

Pattypoundcake:
There is a big difference between a 20 year old and a 29 year old. And what is so different between a 19 year old and a 20 year old? The 19 year old is a teen mom, but the 20 year old is a mature responsible adult? What if they are both married? What if someone is a 28 year old druggie with a husband, is that ok?

I generally agree with this statement. But as an old soul myself, I know there are some 20 year olds who would probably make fine parents as long as they were financially stables, emotionally prepared, in a stable marriage/relationship, etc. etc. That narrows the list down quite a bit.

FWIW- I'm 27 and even though I may have felt ready to have a baby when I was 23-24, looking back I am glad I waited till now.

ArmyWifey06 · July 2010

michood:
When the individual is emotionally, financially, and mentally capable of being a good, fit parent.

This. And being in a healthy relationship.

O2BaMom · July 2010

I think maturity is more important than physical age. I've met some super immature 30 somethings and some very mature 20 year olds.

HoneyBee111409 · July 2010

msmarsh:
Pattypoundcake:
There is a big difference between a 20 year old and a 29 year old. And what is so different between a 19 year old and a 20 year old? The 19 year old is a teen mom, but the 20 year old is a mature responsible adult? What if they are both married? What if someone is a 28 year old druggie with a husband, is that ok?
I generally agree with this statement. But as an old soul myself, I know there are some 20 year olds who would probably make fine parents as long as they were financially stables, emotionally prepared, in a stable marriage/relationship, etc. etc. That narrows the list down quite a bit.
FWIW- I'm 27 and even though I may have felt ready to have a baby when I was 23-24, looking back I am glad I waited till now.

This was the entire point. That age isn't the big issue here- it's those other things that matter. Every person is different, every person will be ready at a different time.

msmarsh · July 2010

HoneyBee111409:
msmarsh:
Pattypoundcake:
There is a big difference between a 20 year old and a 29 year old. And what is so different between a 19 year old and a 20 year old? The 19 year old is a teen mom, but the 20 year old is a mature responsible adult? What if they are both married? What if someone is a 28 year old druggie with a husband, is that ok?
I generally agree with this statement. But as an old soul myself, I know there are some 20 year olds who would probably make fine parents as long as they were financially stables, emotionally prepared, in a stable marriage/relationship, etc. etc. That narrows the list down quite a bit.
FWIW- I'm 27 and even though I may have felt ready to have a baby when I was 23-24, looking back I am glad I waited till now.
This was the entire point. That age isn't the big issue here- it's those other things that matter. Every person is different, every person will be ready at a different time.

That narrows the list down quite a bit.

That was my major point. I think you have to agree that most 20 year olds will not find themselves in this position. Not directing this at you, OP. I'm saying in general this applies to many young 20s.

maddiemoon43 · July 2010

HoneyBee111409:
msmarsh:
Pattypoundcake:

There is a big difference between a 20 year old and a 29 year old. And what is so different between a 19 year old and a 20 year old? The 19 year old is a teen mom, but the 20 year old is a mature responsible adult? What if they are both married? What if someone is a 28 year old druggie with a husband, is that ok?

I generally agree with this statement. But as an old soul myself, I know there are some 20 year olds who would probably make fine parents as long as they were financially stables, emotionally prepared, in a stable marriage/relationship, etc. etc. That narrows the list down quite a bit.

FWIW- I'm 27 and even though I may have felt ready to have a baby when I was 23-24, looking back I am glad I waited till now.

This was the entire point. That age isn't the big issue here- it's those other things that matter. Every person is different, every person will be ready at a different time.

FWIW, I DID read your post as you intended.

Heather & Nayt · July 2010

I think maturity and age do not equal the same thing. I am young, but I felt ready to start my family much sooner then others did. And that is ok. I get judged, but I have learned to shrug it off.

I think when someone is mature enough that life isn't all about them, they have the means to take care of a baby, and the support needed to raise the child, then the time is right. For some it comes at 20, for others at 40.

ckinnaley · July 2010

lilangelfac13:
I get this all the time! My conversations are like this: "Are you married?" "Yes" "Oh, well do you have kids?" "No..." "That good. Your young, you shouldn't have kids too young." " Thanks?" First, because I'm young and married I have to be a mother already? No I was in love- thanks! Second, how can anyone tell you when to have kids? My MIL had this conversation whith us when we decide to get married. She was against it at first because she thought getting married meant we wanted kids right away. 2 years later, she won't be someone I share my TTC journey with

I get this all the time too! Most people think I am in my late 20's at least because I 1) am married 2) own a home 3) am in middle management at my job and 4) I've been told many times I "act" older. But people act like it's weird I don't have kids yet but then make the same comments you get. They say I am young and shouldn't rush it and then go on to tell me how horrible their life is now that they have kids (obviously not everyone says this...but I hear it often). But I definitely think that when two people are mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to be parents...more power to them! My husband and I are both 23 and we decided together that we're ready.

leathersmel4 · July 2010

When I was growing up, my mom always told me to "wait until you're 25". And she always said "I don't want to be a 40 something y/o grandma!"

Well, things changed once I got married. I was 21 when I got married, then all of a sudden, the topic changed to "When are you having a baby!!" and "I don't want to be an OLD grandma"

Obviously, it doesn't matter what my mom used to tell me. DH and I are ready mentally, financially, and emotionally for a child. I would LOVE to grant my moms wish for her to be a "young grandma", but only time will tell.

I understand that age is a big concern for a lot of reasons, but if you are stable, mature, and can actually handle the reality of bringing another life into this world, then you may be ready.

I am only 22, but that is not stopping me. )

sportsfan16 · July 2010

My parents had me young and I turned out okay (I think). Stick out tongue

HoneyBee111409 · July 2010

sportsfan16:
My parents had me young and I turned out okay (I think).

Me too. My parents were 18 when they had me- and I think they are amazing parents.

HoneyBee111409 · July 2010

leathersmel4:
When I was growing up, my mom always told me to "wait until you're 25". And she always said "I don't want to be a 40 something y/o grandma!"

Well, things changed once I got married. I was 21 when I got married, then all of a sudden, the topic changed to "When are you having a baby!!" and "I don't want to be an OLD grandma"
Obviously, it doesn't matter what my mom used to tell me. DH and I are ready mentally, financially, and emotionally for a child. I would LOVE to grant my moms wish for her to be a "young grandma", but only time will tell.
I understand that age is a big concern for a lot of reasons, but if you are stable, mature, and can actually handle the reality of bringing another life into this world, then you may be ready.
I am only 22, but that is not stopping me. )

Yup. I'm in the same boat as you I'm 22. My husband and I have been best friends for the last nine years, we have good jobs, a baby room set aside, money saved, and we're both ready to start our family.

I have five younger sisters that I have half-raised, and one is going to be living with us for a little while. I worked at a day care for years, teach pre-k sunday school... I love kids- know what its like to be up in the middle of the night with them, to discipline, teach, love, play, to sacrifice what you want for them, to let them fall on their own so they learn...

So yes.. we're ready. And being in our early twenties doesn't mean that we'll be better or worse parents than someone else a different age.

To be honest- I do judge teen moms sometimes. The ones I know that got pregnant on purpose anyways. The reason why? Well the ones I know are not ready to be parents. When you can't drive, don't pay your own bills, don't have a job, don't go to college... yeah I judge you a little. But you know what? That really doesn't have to do with age does it.

dapple25 · July 2010

Age is just a number, as long as you and DH are ready then it is the right time! My parents were 18 when they got married, had their 1st child at 19. Personally, I wasn't ready until 25. Everyone is different..but when you are ready you are ready and you know it!

dana1318a · July 2010

Ugh I get that too!! I'm 26 but I guess because I look young (I blame my height LOL) people assume I'm still a kid! I don't personally know many girls who had a baby under the age of 21 who have been...let's say great parents (don't get me wrong, I know they're out there-I just don't personally know any). But LORD KNOWS I KNOW A FEW THAT ARE 21 - 40 THAT HAVE BEEN JUST AS BAD IF NOT WORSE! I think your age doesn't necessarily matter, but your personality & life experience does. And a healthy relationship, stable job, etc.

Sidenote.. I do get SUPER ANNOYED when I see young moms posting their party pics all over FB. It's like there's always that one album titled "My Heart" or "My Everything", surrounded by album after album of drunken debauchery. You're not fooling anyone..get out of the club (if you're even old enough to be there) and go home to your child!! Haha sorry-rant over. Sooo--I think that your age doesn't matter as long as you are responsible enough to do what you need to do. And don't expect grandma to babysit every Wed-Sat night. Grrrrrr LOL

michood · July 2010

ArmyWifey06:
michood:
When the individual is emotionally, financially, and mentally capable of being a good, fit parent.
This. And being in a healthy relationship.

Just playing devil's advocate here... What about single women who feel their biological clock ticking and use donor sperm?

Ya Never Know · July 2010

I think that the right age to have a baby is the age at which you are ready in every aspect of your life to care for the child.

For myself personally, I never thought I'd have children, I just didn't think it was in the cards... but I was a late bloomer, and 27 was the age where the urge kicked in, and now it's hard to imagine myself in a life without at least one child. I thought 28 would be the ideal age for me to have my first child, but I guess that didn't quite work out, since I'm a few months away from 30. Oh well.

cantalopes24 · July 2010

michood:
ArmyWifey06:
michood:

When the individual is emotionally, financially, and mentally capable of being a good, fit parent.

This. And being in a healthy relationship.

Just playing devil's advocate here... What about single women who feel their biological clock ticking and use donor sperm?

IMO anyone who makes having a baby about them and not the baby, isn't ready to be a parent, and this generally falls into that category.

cantalopes24 · July 2010

Can I add, "when you don't feel like you need to defend your life to decisions to people whom they don't affect". Everyone will always be telling you you're too something to do something. They will criticize your parenting choices and everything about you once you have kids. You need to just brush it off.

missAntebellum · July 2010

Just classic- people say the most mindboggling things sometimes. I wonder if it's just making conversation or plain insensitivity? I would probably say something bitchy back even though that doesn't make things any better.

blessedsunshine · July 2010

wow. how rude of someone to say/ask that. i got married at 20 [hubby was 19] we are 26 & 25 now. i had wanted to wait until now to start having kids, but God had other plans and at 20, stable, loving marriage i did NOT feel ready. so yeah. age has nothing to do with it. hubby has a cousin who is ALWAYS cracked out [not a joke. i mean seriously] him and his wife are always living in their car with their kids [yes, i called child protective services] and always hitting us up for money. they have 10 kids. [NO not kidding and i think 4 or 5 of them live in foster care ... now ALL of them do]

these ppl are 28 and 34 yrs old.

ArmyWifey06 · July 2010

cantalopes24:
michood:
ArmyWifey06:
michood:

When the individual is emotionally, financially, and mentally capable of being a good, fit parent.

This. And being in a healthy relationship.

Just playing devil's advocate here... What about single women who feel their biological clock ticking and use donor sperm?

IMO anyone who makes having a baby about them and not the baby, isn't ready to be a parent, and this generally falls into that category.

I don't have a problem with that, In my statement above I'm more talking about couples who do nothing but fight and are constantly having marital/relationship problems and think a baby is a good idea or will somehow fix everything.

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