A decision in the making...

CLAYLIOVER · June 2010

and how the fvck to move on from this...

thank you for all the comments and the sweet thoughts and prayers. Im actually at work today. Im not functioning much but Im here.

He has been a SOB before. But never like this. Loss, in fertility, treatment. I guess he forgot all that. He has a horrible habit of walking out and saying he "wants a divorce" when he is angry. Wrong, yes. Forgivable, sure. He never stays gone more than 5 min and apologizes profusely when he returns.

This. Well I dont know about this...I honestly can say I have hatred toward him right now. Other than that Im numb and my eyes burn. But I love these little girls and right now thats the only emotion I want to focus on. I might be driving home to Louisiana this weekend or I might stay with some friends until things are decided upon. Thanks again girls. You are all wonderful women!

TravelinMama · June 2010

So sorry Clayli. I can't imagine being able to move on past this. Either way, he really needs some help. GL with whatever you decide.

Mrs.Brink · June 2010

Friends or home is a great idea. I really hope things work out for whatever the best may be.

Scout05 · June 2010

I am so sorry Clayli. I think going home is a really good idea.

I hope he is open to therapy and counseling, because clearly, he really needs it. And telling you he wants a divorce, even if he apologizes a few minutes later, is so hurtful and wrong. You DO NOT deserve that, and neither do your little girls.

AppleRidge · June 2010

I'm no expert, but I think threatening divorce with every tiff is a form of emotional abuse. It's not just a habit, and for me, it wouldn't be forgivable.

I think you're making the right call to get away for a while. He needs to see what life would really be like without you and your daughters.

BeachCole · June 2010

Big hugs, Clayli. I know it must be so much to think about, and whatever you decide, we are here for you.

alamber4 · June 2010

I just read the post about what was going on and he is truly being a jack a**. I'd say kick him to the curb immediately, but there must be some good in him or you wouldn't have been with him in the first place so I am going to try and not judge. Do what you feel is right, but I gotta ask...does he have some serious mental issues or what? I guess maybe he feels that with all the problems you two have had that this was his last chance for a boy or something, but still, many people cannot have children at all so he should count his blessings. I hope that you can find some support from your family if you choose to go back to Louisiana. What part of LA are you from? I grew up in Kenner.

JamieFL · June 2010

Only you know what to do and what is within your heart. You're absolutely right in focusing on how much you love your little girls. They will be blessed to have you as their mommy!

Do you have any male friends (mutual) that have a little girl that could perhaps knock some sense in him? All of our friends and DH's buddies all have ONLY girls so this was easy for us to accomplish when we were PG for the 1st time. It does help a bit in having a man give his perspective to your H.

Hugs to you. Get some rest when you get home, ok? Hang in there.

cintim · June 2010

I cant imagine having any other emotion but hatred towards him at this point. I'm not sure if you guys own your home or not, but I was always told never to leave the home. Make him leave. If things go the road of separation/divorce, you're leaving the house may have a negative impact on any settlement. I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear about or care about but it's something you should know about.

I think you should absolutely kick him out. Let him know that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and that if he plans on staying married to you, he needs to change. You cannot raise your children with a father who leaves and threatens divorce everytime he gets upset. What will that do to your girls' confidence and security? It will absolutely damage them. This needs to get fixed and it needs to get fixed now. Your girls are your driving force now.

Know that we're all here for you.

Sonadora · June 2010

::hugs::

pepomntpat · June 2010

At best he sounds incredibly immature. At worst he is just mean. I don't think I could forgive such a thing. I'll continue to pray for you both. {hugs}

ColindaP · June 2010

Clayli, my FIL has zero respect for women. None. My husband escaped him unscathed (because boys are a-ok) but consequently, my SIL has zero self-esteem and married the first (total wet shorts loser of a guy) guy who has nothing going for him except that he is not mean to her.

A man with no respect for women and twin daughters is a dangerous combination. I hope you can find a way out of this problem, for your own sake and the sake of your daughters.

jennsadye1979 · June 2010

ambrandau2:

I am so sorry Clayli. I think going home is a really good idea.

I hope he is open to therapy and counseling, because clearly, he really needs it. And telling you he wants a divorce, even if he apologizes a few minutes later, is so hurtful and wrong. You DO NOT deserve that, and neither do your little girls.

This exactly.

I am just catching up with the posts and wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this right now..

Marriedandlovingit · June 2010

Clayli, I just want you to know that my T&P are with you. Whatever you decide, we will be here for you. Huge hugs to you.

johannaknip · June 2010

Clayli, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I do think getting away for a little while is a good idea. I'd even turn off my phone and just have no contact with him for the weekend. I also agree with PP that counseling is a great idea. Whatever the outcome. ((hugs))

grr_aargh · June 2010

There's no way to say this nicely:

You married a 12 year old. Seriously. He's a douchecanoe who acts like a child when he doesn't get his way and you married him. I'm sorry. But I also know he was a douchecanoe before you got pregnant and he'll likely remain so henceforth.

Again, I'm sorry. But he needs to grow a pair.

MrsNJTiger · June 2010

Mrs.Brink:
Friends or home is a great idea. I really hope things work out for whatever the best may be.

I really don't know what to say....but I agree, friends/family/home is always a good idea

MrsNJTiger · June 2010

Mrs.Brink:
Friends or home is a great idea. I really hope things work out for whatever the best may be.

I really don't know what to say....but I agree, friends/family/home is always a good idea

jennaanddan · June 2010

cintim:
I cant imagine having any other emotion but hatred towards him at this point. I'm not sure if you guys own your home or not, but I was always told never to leave the home. Make him leave. If things go the road of separation/divorce, you're leaving the house may have a negative impact on any settlement. I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear about or care about but it's something you should know about.

I think you should absolutely kick him out. Let him know that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and that if he plans on staying married to you, he needs to change. You cannot raise your children with a father who leaves and threatens divorce everytime he gets upset. What will that do to your girls' confidence and security? It will absolutely damage them. This needs to get fixed and it needs to get fixed now. Your girls are your driving force now.

Know that we're all here for you.

Perfectly put, cintim. It sucks to have to think about the legal ramifications of any action you take, but this is the world we live in. But if your H can't turn things around, then you deserve to be with a man who loves you and your babies NO MATTER WHAT. We're thinking of you.

jdoman · June 2010

I'm so sorry, clayli! I'm sending big hugs through the interwebs this morning.

someflower6 · June 2010

having some time away can definitely be a good thing. try not to make any decisions in haste or out of anger. i think you and your husband need to have an honest discussion about where you stand with each other and with your marriage, and if you're both receptive to counseling.

i know you're hurt and you have every right to be but remember that if you are both willing to work through this, you can. the important thing is not to just brush over it, but really focus on what's going on and how to improve things.

Amanda78 · June 2010

I'm sorry Clayli that you're going through this. Have you guys been to counseling? I hope its something you'll consider because that is an unacceptable way to live your life and to introduce your daughters too.

rabstbmom · June 2010

BBHME:

I'm no expert, but I think threatening divorce with every tiff is a form of emotional abuse. It's not just a habit, and for me, it wouldn't be forgivable.

I work for an agency that provides services to domestic abuse victims, and BBHME is right. It's definitely a form of emotional abuse. I didn't see your earlier post (I just logged on a few minutes ago), but if you want to talk more feel free to PM me.

hking76 · June 2010

Ugh... I'm so sorry, you do not deserve this. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, and so do your twin daughters. The tough part is, it sounds like this is something you're gong to have to explain & show DH. Friends/family getaway sounds perfect. You need some space, but before you leave you need to clearly explain to him how unacceptable his behavior is, and that when you return, you expect him to have a plan for how he's going to resolve these unacceptable behaviors. This is not on you to fix, its on him, but you need to be strong and not accept less than you deserve. PLEASE! DO NOT ACCEPT LESS, as it will have ramifications for your daughters in the long run. This isn't the first time he's acted cruel and immature, and it won't be the last.

I'm so sorry.... [[hugs]]

ownedby3 · June 2010

I can't say anything more than what's been said. I agree with the pp that said you should not go any place. If he wants to leave, let him. I also agree that him threatening divorce is a form of abuse.

He needs to get his big boy pants on and grow up. I hope he realizes what a douche bag he's being before he's left with nothing.

For now, the worst thing for you is to be stressed. Try to focus on work and try not to get upset, you have 2 beautiful beans to take care of

celestej619 · June 2010

I missed the OP, but I just want to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. (((big hugs))) to you sweetie.

vlewis515 · June 2010

Clayli, I'm sorry but he needs his a$$ kicked. Threatening divorce to me is right up there with cheating and physical abuse. It emotional abuse and he needs help. I believe in my heart of hearts that DH and I can work through anything but adultery and any form of abuse. And he knows that if he ever utters the D word to me, he better fvcking mean it because those will be the last he ever utters to me. Anything else would be through my lawyer.

I hold him to such high standards because those are the standards that I hold for myself. We are married, we are partners, and we treat each other right. Now that is our relationship but to most any married couple, that is not a word to throw around! I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you have the strength to put your foot down and let him know that this is not right for you or your girls. He can either suck it up and handle things like a man, seek counseling, whatever he needs to do. Or he can act like the petulant child that he is showing himself to be and see where that gets him with his marriage.

We're all here for you hon, and sorry I'm going all crazy b!tch, marriage is just one thing I don't play around with!

vlewis515 · June 2010

I'm sorry I wanted to add this also. I know you don't want to be around him right now. But I think you leaving or kicking him out is the wrong decision. You need to talk about this, you need to have it out. Leaving or kicking him out is a final move to me. Its just you 2 right now, but say you make it through this and something happens 4 years down the road and you leave or tell DH to get out. That is something that the girls shouldn't have to see unless it's a final act.

I'm sorry I'm getting preachy, I know not everyone thinks like me, I just have very defined thoughts on arguing constructively. Whatever you do, your children will see and it will shape they way they handle themselves. It's weird to think that you have to handle yourself and your marriage the way that you want your children to handle theirs in the future. But just another thing for you to think about.

JaimieLee · June 2010

CLAYLIOVER:

He has been a SOB before. But never like this. Loss, in fertility, treatment. I guess he forgot all that. He has a horrible habit of walking out and saying he "wants a divorce" when he is angry. Wrong, yes. Forgivable, sure. He never stays gone more than 5 min and apologizes profusely when he returns.

And definitely not forgivable, IMO. I am on your side here Clayli (his behavior is inexcusable), but at some point you need to look at this situation and figure out what your role in all this has been and why you think his behavior is ok and even acceptable. Because taking him back time and time again without consequence signals just that - that it's ok for him to emotionally abuse you. And it's definitely NOT ok. You need to decide if you are ready to put up with this behavior for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, because you can not count on him to change. Sending all my T&Ps to you and those precious little girls.

KelzinBoston · June 2010

I am so sorry you're dealing with this, it's completely ridiculous.

I agree with what others have said. At this point he doesn't deserve you or these precious baby girls, and it's not healthy for you or them if he sticks around. He is a fool. He needs and awful lot of counseling and has a lot to prove before I would even consider letting him be part of their lives.

Big hugs to you. It will all work out in the end, I promise...just be strong and think about what's best for you and your babies.

Scout05 · June 2010

JaimieLee:
CLAYLIOVER:

He has been a SOB before. But never like this. Loss, in fertility, treatment. I guess he forgot all that. He has a horrible habit of walking out and saying he "wants a divorce" when he is angry. Wrong, yes. Forgivable, sure. He never stays gone more than 5 min and apologizes profusely when he returns.

And definitely not forgivable, IMO. I am on your side here Clayli (his behavior is inexcusable), but at some point you need to look at this situation and figure out what your role in all this has been and why you think his behavior is ok and even acceptable. Because taking him back time and time again signals just that - that it's ok for him to emotionally abuse you. You need to decide if you are ready to put up with this behavior for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, because you can not count on him to change. Sending all my T&Ps to you and those precious little girls.

I was JUST coming back to say exactly this.

I agree 1000%. It really is not forgivable. In my opinion, you ask for a divorce once, then that is exactly what you get. That is not a "takesy backsy" kind of statement.

sydney0928 · June 2010

I know things may seem hopeless right now, but from someone who has worked through some serious marital issues, it can get better. I do consider what he's doing emotional abuse, and it sounds like he needs some anger management counseling. You don't deserve to be treated like that. But if you two can work through it, you will both be even stronger for doing it. I'm glad you're getting away for a while, focus on your precious daughters for a few days. You need to decide how you are going to set a good example for them as well, unfortunately, and he's not making it easy on you. I am a firm believer that marriage is a serious committment that deserves to be worked on, but he needs to put in 100% too. Take care of yourself!

sevenonesix · June 2010

vlewis515:
I'm sorry I wanted to add this also. I know you don't want to be around him right now. But I think you leaving or kicking him out is the wrong decision. You need to talk about this, you need to have it out. Leaving or kicking him out is a final move to me. Its just you 2 right now, but say you make it through this and something happens 4 years down the road and you leave or tell DH to get out. That is something that the girls shouldn't have to see unless it's a final act.
I'm sorry I'm getting preachy, I know not everyone thinks like me, I just have very defined thoughts on arguing constructively. Whatever you do, your children will see and it will shape they way they handle themselves. It's weird to think that you have to handle yourself and your marriage the way that you want your children to handle theirs in the future. But just another thing for you to think about.

I agree with everything you have said...

Kicking your husband/wife out is the final move. This needs to be talked about and worked through and whatever is decided upon, needs to be decided together and RIGHT AWAY.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this Clayli. Your husband is a prick. I know that's harsh, and no we don't know everything about your relationship.... but what he said is totally a prick move. *hugs*

witch_city_wife · June 2010

I'm so sorry.

It's hard, after going through all those years of losses and infertility, not to feel grateful for the pregnancy itself. But I think the flip side of those years of disappointment is that you have all those years to hope for a successful pregnancy in the future. If he's spent the last three years picturing a baby boy in his arms one day and that is what got him through, I understand that adjusting expectations can be hard. Clearly he's not handling it well. And blaming/hating you is an unacceptable response, hopefully with time he'll see that.

My husband and I always talked about having a girl. For the last 3 years I've been picturing a baby girl in my arms. The only reason I'm leaning toward learning the sex of this baby is so that, if it is a boy, I'll be able to adjust my expectations. After all these years, I'm thrilled to be having any baby. In my head, I know that I am grateful and lucky. Sometimes your emotions take a bit of time to catch up with the logic.

I don't know you, but I know that to go through the losses we've all gone through takes one hell of a tough woman. You'll get through this! And yo'll have two wonderful girls! LUCKY!!! Hugs.

W.Bear · June 2010

I don't know what advice to give but if it was me I would leave and go to my family for a bit cut off all contact for a few days and try and figure out what I want out of this. I will be thinking of you and your two beautiful girls. I am so sorry you Dh is being such a a**. (HUGS)

Jacquiemark · June 2010

I'm so sorry you are going through this Clayli. I just read Lax's post about what had happened. I do hope that your DH seeks some counseling because I understand being a little upset for an hour or so, but this is ridiculous. You and the babies don't deserve that. And I'm sorry, but if my DH kept saying to me "I want a divorce" when we argued, it would be hard to forgive him. That is not acceptable. I really do hope he seeks some help whether professional, family, or friends.

I think staying with some family and friends may be a good idea, even if it is jut for a few nights.

((hugs))

vkbaby09 · June 2010

sydney0928:
I know things may seem hopeless right now, but from someone who has worked through some serious marital issues, it can get better. I do consider what he's doing emotional abuse, and it sounds like he needs some anger management counseling. You don't deserve to be treated like that. But if you two can work through it, you will both be even stronger for doing it. I'm glad you're getting away for a while, focus on your precious daughters for a few days. You need to decide how you are going to set a good example for them as well, unfortunately, and he's not making it easy on you. I am a firm believer that marriage is a serious committment that deserves to be worked on, but he needs to put in 100% too. Take care of yourself!

I agree with this. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this though.

(((((big hugs))))))

Winter*Mommy · June 2010

I am so so sorry. You do not need to deal with this right now, but I am glad you will be able to get support where you need it. Please consider going to a counselor who might help in communication and anger management for him - those words hurt. My dad has threatened my stepmom with divorce for 20 years and it hurts all of us. We never know when he is serious. I am so sorry you are going through this, after all of you have been through.

xleslieraex · June 2010

::hugs::

EmKo0210 · June 2010

I'm so sorry, Clayli. (((((((BIG HUGS))))))))) I think it will be good to get away for the weekend and clear your mind.

*shortie · June 2010

Wow. I am so, so sorry to hear this. Your husband is acting like a complete *ss and a complete child. Spoiled, immature, selfish. I hope that counselling is an option you'll explore together, but I hope that if he refuses to change his behaviour and treatment of you, you'll seek alternative, more separate solutions. *hugs*

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