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Blended Families
twinkl5379
member
Did BM tell too much?
twinkl5379
member
This is kind of an old issue, but I'm bored at work so have time to post...
DH and I got married in Sept. Skids knew we were engaged but did not know the date. DH never told BM we were getting married, but she may have found out from the kids or the sister-n-law???
We were planning to tell the kids after we married b/c we didn't see them for about a month before (we eloped in Maui so they were not at the wedding). DH NEVER mentioned this to BM b/c they don't communicate often.
So when DH told skids we'd just gotten married, they said they already knew b/c BM told them. We never even told her, so DH's sister-n-law must have told her we were actually getting married.
It made us mad b/c we wanted to be the ones to discuss this with Skids. Do you think BM should mind her own business or that she has a right to tell the kids what's going on with us?
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Re: Did BM tell too much?
This!
They knew that we were engaged, just didn't know the date of the wedding. And we would've told them prior but didn't b/c we just didn't end up seeing them for more than a month prior to the wedding (visitation does not have a set schedule, so it doesn't work out very well). And it wasn't something to tell over the phone b/c they're so young they don't do well on the phone.
Plus, it certainly wasn't DH's intention to withhold info from them; the timing just didn't work out very well. I guess I just left the decision up to him.
I agree that the kids should have known before hand, but it also isn't BM's news to tell. I don't get why a lot of BMs do this communication with the kids only stuff. IMO if she thought the kids should know, she should have had an adult conversation with BF regarding her concerns and the two of them should have come up with a plan.
Out of curiosity, why did you not want to tell the kids?
sonbeamer - i just edited my previous post to answer this question.
It was not an intentional decision NOT to tell them. The timing just didn't work out. As I mentioned, they knew we were engaged and going to be married.
Since we didn't see them, we just didn't think about it...since they already knew I was "going to be their step-mom" it never crossed our minds as a big deal.
Why didn't you elope w/ the kids??
Why are you allowing to not see them for a month at a time?
Why couldn't you take them out for lunch or dinner and tell them your news?
Yes the BM has EVERY right to tell the kids b/c well you were so damn secretive about it.
A wedding and marriage is boaut bringing families together. Your first act as a family and you EXCLUDE his children.
I have lost respect for you.
Sweetie...wow, people elope all the time without it being a big deal. I wouldn't say that we were secretive since everyone knew our plans (including the kids knowing we planned to be married). We just chose not to make a big deal out of it.
As for not seeing them a month at a time. That is the visitation schedule, one time per month. The specific wknd is not set b/c BM is a nurse and her schedule changes. I've encouraged DH numerous times to solidify a weekend, but he wants to be flexible so he can watch them the wknds BM works. The result of this "flexibilitly" is that it's never consistent. I dont' like this at all.
We don't live close to them, and DH travels a LOT, so it's not easy to take them out to dinner when we're 4.5 hours away.
You've lost respect for me as if it was MY decision to elope without his kids. My original plan was to have a small wedding where his family and mine would be there. But his family is in ND and mine is in MS, so it's not easy to bring everyone together. So it was actually DH's idea to elope in HI, not mine.
It's also not easy to take an autistic child to HI when he has therapy 30 hours/week. DH can't even get him for a week in the summer b/c of this, so our options are limited.
DH would NEVER chose to disregard his children. And this plan was as much his plan as mine.
Fi took me to the South of France last year and proposed. We were so excited, we called a couple of close friends and our parents to share our good news. Someone told BM and she began texting Fi demanding that he call her to discuss ??? and that he tell SS. He had to tell her to back off and stop texting him. We ended up telling SS over the phone from France when what we actually wanted to do was chat to him and explain what getting engaged meant, he was only 7. I was p!ssed about that and thought she way over stepped her boundries.
However, I have no idea how we would go about not taking SS to the wedding. He would be devestated and he is so excited you would think he was getting married lol. I have to say I NEVER even considered getting married without him there and we are also getting married abroad. We are going away for 12 night and we are keeping SS with us for 8 of those nights. I think that your DH made a big mistake by excluding his kids, those are the things that kids remember and form resentments about.
I think the BM should have called called your DH out on excluding his kids and let him explain to them why there were not there.
Phantom, if BM would've called DH out, I can tell you that would not have gone well. They do not have the kind of relationship where one should get in the other's business. That's why they're divorced.
I don't really think it's my place to second guess DH's decisions about his children.
Now that I think about it, DH may have thought it would've been difficult on the oldest kid to be there since he's had a difficult time with the parent's divorce. I'm not certain about that, just guessing as I think back.
And I think that DH probably struggles with how to help on an emotional level. I've encouraged him to talk to his son more b/c we know he talks to his mom about these things. And there's no telling what BM tells him other than her telling DS that DH is going to hell for wanting a divorce.
I'm not a parent and not a psychologist, so we just do the best we can in a difficult situation.
The kids should have bee the first ones to know. It's awful to me that your DH didn't make this priority #1.
Additionally, the fact that you are still thinking about this is another alarming issue to me.
Karma - I think the reason it's on my mind is b/c we're planning to move to the same city where BM and kids live. We are not telling her (b/c it's not her business until it's official), and we're not telling the kids until we know when it's certain b/c they are kids. It could take a long time from now since we have a house to sell and I have to find a job.
However, some of my DH's family know b/c we were talking about it this wknd, but we have to tell them not to tell sister-n-law b/c, based on the marriage situation, we know it will get around to BM.
I think this is stupid, but it's just the way it is when you're in a BF.
You're going to have a rough way to go if you continue to think your DH can somehow be just your DH sometimes and a father separately. Kids came with the marriage. That makes you a parent and you need to be involved with DH's decisions.
Granted, there are some decisions that you'll have to give your opinion on and let him have the final say. Case in point in my situation: I will not let my MIL drive our daughter once she is born. I've been in the car with her recently and she is not safe due to declining mental faculties (she's nearly 75). I've expressed this concern to DH regarding my SKs. It is not my place to forbid his mom from driving his kids. He has to make that call. However, in other situations, how much we see the kids, rules in our house, basically anything that affects me day to day and my role as their SM and his as their dad is discussed and a solution is derived mutally between us.
I feel sorry for the kids. You and your DH didn't think enough about them to include them in your wedding day, much less even mention it to them. Sad, sad, sad.
*lurker posting*
Wow, what you two did was really low . . . .
I feel for the kids. I get the feeling you're one of "those" stepmoms.
I would love to know what ''those'' stepmoms are?
Honestly, twinkle, are you married to my ex? B/c he hasn't contacted the children to tell them his grandmother passed in December and hasn't told them that he got engaged in January...oh and he hasn't bothered to see or contact the children in oh over a year...so i'm guessing he and his GF just didn't think about it.
Um...yeah, I did feel it was my place to tell both my children when I found out b/c they posted it on their open to the public facebook pages. My children have a right to know what's going on in their family and a right to greive the loss of their great grandmother. Even though none of his family have contacted the children in over a year and i guess they didn't think about it either.
Sweetie, my DH loves his children very much. He calls them on a regular basis but doesn't get to see them as much as he'd like. But that's part of the reason we're moving where they are.
He's a man who's very emotional to me, but not great at being emotional towards his children.
I think he is an AWESOME person doing the best he can to raise his kids with a woman he doesn't like. Some people are better at emotional things than others, but this does NOT make him a terrible person.
And, as I said, I'm just speculating. It just seems that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about these tough, emotional things with the oldest kid, probably b/c he feels a little guilty about not being there everyday. And I bet that is quite common for a non-custodial.
Sounds like a real winner.
Wanna take bets on how much she'll be complaining in a year or two when she has a kid of her own and her DH is not emotional towards her children?
I'll take a bet that he will be an awesome father when we have children.
And he is a real winner. He's the most respectable man I've ever known and is very successful on many levels (earning a Ph,D at age 25, being respected & successful at work, helpful & respectful to his family, loving, supportive & emotional to me, very patient, doing the best he can at parenting, etc, I could say more won't but get into more personal issues...).
I should re-phrase: In my opinion, DH TRIES BUT STRUGGLES WITH how to deal with emotional issues with his children.He definitely tries; his son has asked him some tough questions that he's done his best to answer. It's just not easy on him b/c he's a man.
Want to bet that my DH is not the only one, especially being a non-custodial and dealing with the guilt of that?
I am also married to a man who isn't very expressive with his emotions. However, when we got engaged he told me that we would not be getting married unless SS was there and involved in the wedding. We have also made sure that SS heard FROM US major changes in our lives that would be effecting him (marriage, children, moving, etc).
Sometimes, even though it's tough, we have to have these uncomfortable conversations with our kids (someone remind me of this when I have to talk to DD about s-e-x).
You and your dh have a LOT of excuses. "It's too hard" "they knew it was going to happen anyway" "I don't know how" "I don't want to second guess his parenting" "it's not easy because he's a man" blah blah blah.
Apparently your dh has a profoundly damaged child (and other kids as well) that he sees once a month, leaving the balance of that child's care to its mother; who, god forbid, mentioned to his children that their father remarried, without inviting them or even calling to tell them. No, he's not a real winner; he's an easy-way-outer.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You see how he currently parents, as best he can as you put it, with his quality time of one weekend a month with those kids; and spends the rest of his time doing things he 'needs' to do. You may rest assured that your children will also not be high on his priority list.
Sue-sue... DH used to see his children much more often. But BM took him to court saying that she needed to move away for the child to get the best therapy available for his autisum (since he wasn't improving in certain areas).
As a result, visition was decreased. He did fight this but didn't win. So we're moving to be closer. If that doesn't mean he's trying, I don't know what does.
You may call them excuses, but this is the reality we live in. I see how he currently parents, and THIS IS WHY I want to have children with him.
Sorry you don't get to see our everyday lives. Yes, it's rocky sometimes, but other times are wonderful, and I know I have a good man. The children know it too; they love their dad very much...even though he's not perfect.
Oh, and sometimes we do see them more than 1x/month, but that is the visitation legally.
I have a VERY pesonal issue with this kind of thing. I think it is CRAPPY as hell of you to have gotten married and not even tell your SKids!
My father got married without telling me and to be completely honest I have ABSOULTELY NO RESPECT for my stepmother because she went along and was okay with getting married to someone with a child and not even telling that child.
I think that if the BM felt that she needed to tell the kids rather than it be "surprise we got married and didn't have the courtesy to tell you or include you" then SHE did what is best for the kids - not you.
I have a cousin who also married a man with a child. They eloped in the same city we all lived in, including the child. He was also a very dedicated parent but did not include his child in the marriage. They only had 2 guests - me and my x-husband. X took pics and I was the witness.
In fact, the child wasn't even at the reception that was held a few days after the wedding. It never crossed my mind as odd that his daughter wasn't there. And I certainly didn't lose respect for him as a parent.
THis was 8 years ago before I was ever a step-parent or involved with DH.
I guess people view situations differently.
I couldn't imagine getting married w/o my SK's. Oldest SD was a jr bridesmaid, 2 younger SD's were our flower girls, and SS walked me down the isle.
But on the other hand my dad married my SM when I was 7 or 8 years old and they told me after the fact. My dad is very quiet and rarely shows emotion so it was kind of presented like a fact. The funny thing is I didn't think to much about it. SM was already in my life and in my kid brain nothing had changed.
Even though my inital reaction was they should be included like I did with my SK's it may not be too bad this way. From my personal experience it didn't bother me and maybe BM should have waited. *calls mom to see if she knew before I did* I know my dad's not emotional (my H is the same way) and that's okay. He is when it counts like when he cried like a baby during our father/daughter dance.
The kind that put stepkids second and get all huffy when the DH puts the kids first.
That's what I got out of her posts.
Why would he fight her moving if it's best for the autistic child??
When I think of eloping, I think of husband and wife going off and getting married (and to Maui... thats pretty romantic) I cannot imagine bringing children there (when I am purely speculating - it was most likely their honeymoon also) or anyone else (parents, siblings, etc.) Isn't going alone the point of an elopement?
I think that fact that the OP is STILL thinking about this, shows me that maybe she is feeling like they made the wrong choice and regrets the elopment rather than a small wedding. I would be pretty POd that the SIL is sharing with the BM your lives... SIL needs to mind her own business.
As far as what to tell BM, etc. We do not tell our BM anything. Our lives are none of her business. I don't know how old your SK's are, but I do think that age makes a difference. If they were really young, then I think that she could have waited... If they were older or teens, I can see her telling them to spare their feelings.
?? I think she means that they fought for visitation NOT to be decreased? Although with that far of a distance, Im not sure how they thought standard, same would work... Too much speculation in these posts!! OP - can you jsut clarify things so people can stop jumping to conclusions?
Why would he fight her moving if it's best for the autistic child??
What would you do if you had to choose between your autistic child getting more therapy and seeing you less? How dare you even question someone's intentions when faced with this situation? The "experts" that were brought into this case were even undecided about which of these options was worse. There was not a good solution in this.
Yes, the better therapy is great, but seeing the parent less is not. Could you imagine how my DH felt when he was presented with this choice? I can guarantee you it was one of the toughest decisions of his life. He showed A LOT OF emotion by crying to me, a lot, over this tough choice.
My recommendation was to let the child move for the therapy and us move there. But it's taken almost a year, and I still haven't been able to find a job to get us there.
Regarding "fighting" the move, my DH originally rejected the request b/c BM offered no info, just a LETTER that she intended to move the kids away. But nothing about visitation, etc. It took a while for him to come to the decision to let them go based on the above. As I said, it's never that he didn't want son to get therapy. In fact, he paid $40,000 OUT-OF-POCKET for therapy expenses last year while BM only paid $8,000. This is in addition to the $1,400/month in CS plus the cost of their medical insurance that DH pays.
My point in bringing up the $ is that DH supports therapy for autism 100%, even going to the expense of paying for things that he may not have the money for.At the time of wedding, the kids were 4 and 6, so as j+r said, we didn't think an elopement ( and yes, honeymoon too) in HI would include them. If they were older, it would be a different story. Some may think that is wrong, but it was our plan. Given they were SO young and we'd already discussed marriage with them, they probably would not understand the "symbolic" meaning of the wedding itself anyway.
We did not feel like we were hiding anything from them.
Therapy for the child - hands down. There's no question, really.
Yeah, I would have told pinky if her dad got married, especially if I had no idea when he was going to tell her.
He should have called his kids once he knew he wouldn't see them right away.
Click me, click me!
Perhaps hindsight is 20/20, but it seems to me this all could have been avoided by telling them the date as soon as you knew. You had already told them you were engaged and (hopefully) talked to them about it, so it would have been perfectly normal to call them and tell them that you have the date and you wished they could be there.
That's what you would have done if you hadn't been so busy in yourselves that you FORGOT you had step kids since you didn't see them for a month.
Instead of stomping around being mad at BM for telling them, you should instead be mad and yourself and DH for being so selfish and hurting his children like that. I hope you at least apologized for not telling them.
So, OP, to answer your question, BM did not tell too much... YOU & DH told too little.
Ummmmm, ewwwwww. Seriously, they did not FORGET that they had children. Really?
I agree with J+R, an elopment in Maui (sounds quite nice) is not really child appropriate. I am assuming that there were not a slew of guests there, and possibly no one but the OP and her H. In that aspect, I totally don't see a problem.
It would have been best if your H had told them either immediately upon returning from your trip, or prior if this was a planned event. Although, I lean towards after the trip.
IDK if this was already answered, but how much time passed between the wedding and BM telling them?