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Blended Families
Did BM tell too much?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Did BM tell too much?
Thank you, Paris. IMO, you're one of the most reasonable posters here, so I'm glad you see my point.
It would have been best if your H had told them either immediately upon returning from your trip, or prior if this was a planned event. Although, I lean towards after the trip.
This is exactly what we planned - to tell them immedately after. We got them right after the wedding, tried to tell them IN PERSON But BM beat us to it (she must've told them well before it b/c hardly any time elapsed at all). Again, they're 4 and 6 so the official wedding didn't meant that much to them. DH and I already lived together prior, so not much changed for any of us.
Besides, DH calls them regularly but admits that they do NOT do well on the phone. They can't focus on it and calls are very short b/c of this.
She said since they didn't see the kid, they didn't think about him.
Nice, right?
Click me, click me!
She said since they didn't see the kid, they didn't think about him.
Nice, right?
No, not this. We didn't think we had to tell them we were going to elope when they already knew we were getting married.
Of course a "date" matters to a child of this age. You can pretend that they're too young to understand if it makes you feel better, but you are really just kidding yourself. And if it's no big deal, then why didn't you just tell them on the phone?
I usually stay off this board, but this one hit close to home. My father remarried and I had to hear about it from another family member because he didn't want us to be involved in it. It hurt like you wouldn't believe -- I felt betrayed.
You're rediculous. If it's too hard for the child to go to Hawaii, then you have the wedding somewhere the child can go to so he/she can be a part of it. Quit whining about "U don't kno mee! U don't know my lyfe!" Do you think you're the first person who has family far apart? My DHs family was in MS and my family was in VA. We had friends and family in TX, FL, NY, MT, MN...they all showed up. My SDs live in Michigan for cripes sake. Tons of people have family spread out. My best friend's husbands family is from Bolivia and THEY showed up for the wedding.
Even if you didn't want a wedding, the kids should have been there. We see my SDs during summer and alternating holidays...thats it. We told them in person of the engagement, and OF COURSE we included them in the wedding. My husband has the emotional range of a robot but he'd do anything for the girls. There is no way we'd get married without them being there, regardless of how old they are. I would have gotten married in Mississippi in frickin July if BM wouldn't let us get them for a date outside the CO, even if my dream wedding wasn't having my hair stuck to my neck in 110 degree heat with mosquitoes everywhere. DH and I would have done whatever it took to get them there if BM wasn't as cool as she was with it.
I don't think BM was in the wrong. What if they asked her "when is daddy getting married to twinkl?" what's she gonna say "Ummm...you need to wait until it's convenient for your dad to talk to you about that." No...she'd probably be honest with them. Maybe y'all should follow suit.
Ok, I admit they did not forget they had the step kids... they were just too busy to pick up the phone and tell them. Is that really putting the step kids feelings first? I stand by my argument that if they had already talked about it to the kids, they had time to call them. OR called/sent the BM an email saying that they were going to elope and wanted to tell the kids first. It should have been a priority to make sure you told the kids beforehand that you were going on a trip and going to get married. Or eloped and told no one you got married until you came back and told the kids. Obviously you had time to tell other people but not the step kids.
OP, I just don't see how you don't see how hurtful this could have been to them. Why are you worried about what BM told them and not trying to fix making sure the kids know they are part of your life?
this.
as the cp, I can't imagine BM telling us it "wasn't our business" to tell the kids something.
My ex and his wife married one month after my kids came back to me after they'd been to his place for the first half of the summer. He had a wedding, his son with his wife was invited (though hers with her ex were with their dad) and they had friends and family. They told the kids before they came back to my house that they were getting married (on DS2's birthday, by the way!) My youngest was about the same age as your older one, and my kids have resented the fact that their dad didn't care enough to invite them to a wedding for years.
They also didn't tell the kids about baby brother until he was several months old (we lived long distance; they saw dad at Christmas and summers. She was about six months along when they were there at Christmas, but hiding and didn't tell the kids they were having a baby brother. They got a photo album in May for a "late" Christmas present, the last photo being captioned "this is your new baby brother!)
I'd tell you the same thing I told him when he said they married on the only weekend he could have a honeymoon. The wedding could happen anywhere, as long as the important people are there. Your kids should have been important enough to be invited. They're not "parents, grandparents, extended family..." They're your and his KIDS and should have been involved in such an important event. You could have gone to Maui afterwards when they went back to mom's.
Renew your vows in ten years in Maui and bring the kids with you next time. How's that for a plan? That's what my DH and I will be doing.
twinkle, these are the words that stood out to me.
If you don't get why it's so damned important, I don't get why you're so offended that their mother told them.
A date might not but an event sure does. You should have made the damned phone call.
Click me, click me!
They are HIS kids just like my SS is my Fi's son.
I love how twinkl is getting slammed here for being a 'bad stepmother' and her DH has escaped with all but a few comments.
THEY chose to elope, by themselves, and have a wedding & honeymoon in one. I have to say that that option crossed my mind also. I don't think she deserves to be hung out to dry over it.
OK Twinkl it seems from your posts that the kids were not really considered in all of this. Don't underestimate their little feelings, my SS has been so excited about our wedding and he has just turned 7 when we got engaged. I get wanting to elope and it sounds amazing BUT you guys should have taken them out for a meal or something and had a 'fun' time in lieu of the wedding. The point is that they really should have been told about it by their father. For something this important you should have made the effort to see them before you left. BM would not have 'told to much' if you guys had told yourselves KWIM? I don't think you guys were wrong to elope if that is what you both wanted. I don?t think BM was wrong to tell either.
No question - are you kidding me? You wouldn't even ask if the same therapy was available in your area where you can continue to see you child on a regular basis. Moving a kid away from a parent demands that every question be answered.
Phantom - I love how twinkl is getting slammed here for being a 'bad stepmother' and her DH has escaped with all but a few comments.
This is what I've been thinking the entire time. But I certainly don't think this makes him a bad dad by any means.
That is awesome that your SS is so excited over the wedding. As you know from previous posts, my BF has not gone as smoothly (well it's fine w/SS2 but can be difficult with SS1). I AM GUESSING that in my DH's mind, he did not think the kids would care about being at a wedding, especially one for us, knowing that SS1 has had a difficult time with the parent's divorce. Could this have helped it grow? In retrospect, maybe so? But I don't think my DH thought about that. Again, he's actually the one that suggested eloping in HI.
I don't think this makes him any less of a father. As I said, the plan was to tell them immedately after, and he did. That's when SS1 said they already knew.
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Re: the therapy - you're right, Phantom. Every ? should be answered, and that's why it was debated legally bringing in an expert opinion. Even the expert did not suggest the move over the new therapy place; she would not make a recommendation about which is better for the child but did state that he needed improvement in a particular area.
Every ? should be answered, and that's why DH initially rejected her request to move b/c BM offered nothing but a LETTER stating that she was taking him to a new therapy place but no detailed info about anything.
Can you imagine what a tough situation that was for my DH?
NOPE. Once you're married, you are legally bound to the kids, too, and legally responsible to support them. They are as much yours as his.
You are 100% wrong. Being married does not give you any legal rights to your SC.
At this stage I am bound to my SS through love BUT have absolutely no rights to him as a parent.
This. 100%. Just because DH and I are married does not give me ANY legal rights to my SD.
I based my respond on the assumption that the therapy wasn't available in thier area, hence the move to begin with.
not rights, responsibilities
You said LEGAL responsibilities. I have no LEGAL responsibilities to my SS. I have MORAL responsibilities to him. I have MORAL obligations to him, but LEGALLY I have nothing to do with him. I have no right to provide medical treatment for him, I have no right tomake decisions about his education, or anything else. How in the world can you say that is a LEGAL responsibility? IDK if I would legally even be allowed in a hospital room with him without his father there.