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1st Trimester
Vent from an Underappreciated SAHW
My husband is great and I love him to death. We rarely fight or get upset at each other, but the other night at dinner he said a few things that are still bugging me today.
The other day we went out to eat and he made two comments throughout the night pretty much saying I don't do anything. He said them both in a lighthearted and teasing way, but they still bugged me. The first comment was in response to me probably saying I hadn't had time to do something. His response was something along the lines of: *laughing* "but you don't do anything all day."
Then later in the night he made another comment about how I get to be "on vacation all the time."
I understand that there is a difference between him being gone at work all day and me staying home and running the house. But I really think he doesn't know how much work I do. How does he think his laundry gets washed, hung/folded and put away? We have a huge dog, so I sweep/mop/vacuum about 3 times a week (more if there's rain that week). Who cleans up the pee spots when he misshoots the toilet? Who makes the bed everyday? Who does the dishes? Who runs to the grocery store? And we only eat out once a month, so every other night of the month I'm responsible for dinner... so, who made that steaming meal sitting on the table!?
I know he notices that the house is clean because the next day after he made those comments he said, "I'm so glad we're one of those couples who keeps our house looking like a showroom." So I know he notices the house is spotless. But I kinda did a 
to his use of the word "we" lol. He does help by not leaving his stuff laying around-- but I'm the one scrubbing the floorboards and dusting the mantle lol.
I guess I just don't want him to think I don't do anything and a few comments he's made lately have lead me to believe that he thinks keeping this house looking like it does is easier than it really is. I want him to know that I work hard for us just like he works hard for us.
ETA: Wow this is so long. Anyone who took the time to read this is amazing.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent from an Underappreciated SAHW
Thanks. Yea I will mention it to him tonight. I don't need him to help more like you did. I'm not working so I'm completely content and I think it's fair that I take on all the house chores, but I just want him to stop thinking I sit around all day.
But thanks for your input. I appreciate you reading all that and responding
Umm yeah, you're kidding yourself if you don't think you're on vacation all the time.
keeping house WITHOUT children is not a job. Gotta side with your husband here.
Oh fingernail of feta - go4 told me that one the other day when she was here for a playdate and I was dying. The best part is that the feta was probably pasturized. These chicks and their cheese. Like anything you get outside of making it yourself from the cow's tit ISN'T pasturized!?
I don't get why your feelings are hurt.
Try working 60+ hours a week in Corporate America and 100% running the house and doing everything you mentioned in your post.
If I didn?t bring in an income my husband would expect me to get a whole hell of a lot done - it is your job to do stuff in the house b/c you don't do anything outside of the house - and you can't really argue that.
I agree! I'm a teacher and the summers when I don't work are a vacation. I really don't do much during the day even doing all the stuff you named plus some bigger home projects.
I must agree with this. What the hell do you do all day?? Your life now is a vacation compared to what life will be when you have your baby.
I hear ya on that. I don't necessarily keep my house spotless, but I like it when he notices that things are done. Any time he comments about him being the one going out to work and me sitting home all day, I feel like he wishes I still had a job. He says no that's not what he means, but he still makes me feel that way.
After reading all the other posts, I'm not saying that I have a super busy life or anything... just that it's nice to be appreciated. I appreciate DH working to put a roof over our head, so he should appreciate me taking care of the place. That's all.
I agree with YH as well. Being a SAHW is a luxury and doing housework that would need to be done anyway is not a "job."
Since your feelings got hurt, you should talk to him about it.
I can take this statement two ways. One would be that anyone who works fulltime shouldn't have to do housework. Not everyone can afford help.
Second would be that you assume DH isn't helping out. A lot of times that's not the case. I do the majority of the housework, but DH takes care of the bills, cars, outdoors, etc. Yes, it's pretty traditional roles but I don't like to do the bills cuz I'm an accountant and work with that stuff all day. DH enjoys the work on the outside of the house. It works for us. And if either one of us needs help, the other asks.
As for the OP, no sympathy here. DH and I both work fulltime and we both contribute to running the house. If I stayed at home with no kids, my house sure better be in "show" condition. And compared to working and taking care of a house and working and raising a child, being a SAHW is a vacation.
Oh, and tell your DH he shouldn't get too attached to his home that is in "show" condition. That's most likely gonna change when the baby arrives.
The OP isn't complaining about the amount of work she does. If you read her response to the first reply, she's saying she's happy with doing all the housework and she thinks it's fair. Her issue is that she feels unappreciated. Which I can totally relate to. When I stayed home for a few months in between jobs, I hated when my husband would say I didn't do anything all day. It's like the laundry you do for him and meals you cooked don't matter when they say something like that.
No one wants to feel unappreciated-- no matter if you work outside the home or in the home. She just wants the work that she does to be acknowledged and there's nothing wrong with that. She's not asking him to do more work and she's not whinning about the work she has to do, she merely just wants to be given credit for whatever work she has done instead of being told "you don't do anything".
To OP: just talk to him about it. He probably doesn't realize that he has downplayed the amount of effort you put into your home. He probably really does appreciate the things you do.
Yeah my husband does a good half the work...and cleans up his own urine, and he works 40 hours and I am a stay at home mom and nursing student - but he's away more total. just sayin that the problem isn't really so much that she feels appreciated or not, it's that she does nothing to contribute to society or anyone else's life except to make her husband's arse sparkle and still feels the need to complain.
Yeah sorry... he's working 8+ hour days most likely, and cleaning the house 3 times a week (yeah right) doesn't take 8 hours. I'm sure she never goes to the mall or gets her hair did. Why does he need to fawn over it?
Are you freakin serious? So all SAHW should never feel unappreciated even when they're told they don't do anything after they got done scrubbing the bathroom because they don't contribute to society?
When did this become a societal issue?
The issue isn't how much she cleans. It's that her husband says she doesn't do anything when she obviously does. Fawn over it? Spouses should always be thankful for what each does to contribute to the family. Whether it's taking the kids to soccer practice and cooking supper or working in a cubicle.
What I bolded are just assumptions and I'm not even going to address that.
This.
I am going to side with LOTR here. I work a full time job, and still have to do all that. Granted, DH does do some of chores, but currently he is a full time student and has two jobs, so guess who has to do everything but take out the trash and pick up the dog shiit.....that would be me.
So although I would LOVE to tell you to kick him in the balls and explain to him that you do work hard, wait until you have this baby....and then wait until this baby starts to walk and turns into a miniature tornado and all you do is follow him/her around picking up after him/her.
Then, when he says something, come back to these boards, say he is talking crap about your SAHM job. Then we all will tell you to kick him in the balls.
And my question to you is what discussion should I have with my husband? Should I tell him that on top of his full time school, his full time job, and his part time job, he should also do half the chores around here?
I work 8 hours a day, but since he is gone for 11-12 hours a day, I figure its more than fair for me to do the majority of the housework.
I do adore a good lecture from someone with less than 20 posts. And also pulls the "bitter" card to boot.
This is a chat room. She posts, she gets opinions.
Uhh, why else would we be on a message board? We clearly don't need to talk about the wonders of the first trimester since we know everything already. duh...
I'm a little surprised at all the women saying that the OP deserves to be told she isn't doing anything. She obviously is doing a lot if her house looks so good... maybe she's not doing as much as others because she doesn't have a LO yet, but she's not complaining about the amount of work in the first place. So I don't see how all the responses that state things like "Well I work 40 hours and have a child etc" are relevant. Her problem isn't the work... actually she said she was content with the work and thinks it's fair that she do all the house chores herself.
Sounds to me like she's complaining about him saying she doesn't do anything... as if the clean clothes hanging in the closet got there on their own and I can see how that would be frustrating.
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So you're saying her husband shouldn't appreciate the work she does around the house because she's supposed to do it because that's what people do?
Lets flip that logic around: Should she not appreciate her husband going to work because it's something everyone does at some point?
I agree with this wholeheartedly! Your husband's right you are on vacation. Instead of complaining be happy that you have the option to be a SAHW.
Make a pregnancy ticker
OP, you might want to try the Stay at Home Moms board. I think its a bit of a stretch to say you're "on vacation" because you don't dedicate yourself to a 40+ hour work week. I don't remember the last time I did household chores while on a vacation.
Unfortunately, when you bring up working mom/wives versus stay at home you'll find that a pissing contest erupts as to who has it harder.
Running a household is not easy and it's a full time job. You're a key part of the household not just a cleaning service. You also have more flexibility in your schedule because you don't report to a 9-5. Try your best to help your DH out and pencil in any errands he is unable to do because he is at work. Also, remind him he is not doing you any "favors" by letting you stay at home. You're both equals and should be working as a team.
I disagree. Stay at home moms (I'm one for the most part) would laugh at her too. Maybe there's a stay at home trophy wife board on some other message board system she could go to...
I get that the OP feels underappreciated and she should talk to her DH about that. But I'll be honest, keeping a house clean, doing the laundry and cooking for two adults is not really that hard or time consuming. There was a point a few years ago where I had about 6 weeks between jobs. My house was spotless, the kitchen was stocked, dinners were planned and on the table when DH got home, a load of laundry was washed, dried, folded as soon as there was enough for an entire load, bills were paid within minutes of the mail arriving. And I usually had all of that done by noon (except the cooking of dinner) and was calling my SIL to see if she had any errands she needed done. It's not hard to run a house for two people and I think that the issue that a lot of pp have had is that the OP makes it sound like she does SOOOO much and its SOOOO much work to run the house.
Ditto this. I've not worked for periods of time during our marriage (pre-babies) and it was a PIECE OF CAKE. Honestly, a life of leisure. I'm a SAHM and I keep my house clean now and dinner on the table, but some days, I'm run a bit ragged. Prior to my son, I could do it by 10 am and have the rest of the day to do whatever! If you think running a house with 2 adults is hard, you are in for it when your baby arrives. Being a SAHW and SAHM are no comparison.
So tell your husband to apologize and thank you for cleaning up his pee and get over it.
I am a SAHM and I know that it really does not take that much time or energy to clean your house. Especially when you are home and picking up/cleaning every day. I get it done in 30 mins everyday. I also take care of my daughter and another little boy and still have plenty of time to screw around. THIS IS way easier than what my husband does. Sure he should appreciate what you do but I bet at least 50% of the time you really do not do anything.
Disagree with what? A married couple being equals or her not allowed to feel under appreciated?
Are you aware of the negative connotations of the term trophy wife? So by your reading and reasoning of the OP's post this is a "kept" woman (usually some bimbo) married to an affluent man? If so, I understand it is your opinion but I don't get why the belittlement of the OP.
No one would laugh at her on the SAHM board. As the primary care taker of my kid and business owner - I empathize with her situation. I didn't try to figure out how much more I handle on a daily basis than her.
It's an issue all of us have faced - feeling under appreciated on some level at home. That is what the post was all about. You clearly missed that point.