Got into a fight with a friend about BFing-make me feel better :(

sunnyday016 · January 2010

I just got into a big fight with one of my best friends. Background: We were roommates in college and she has always been a very private person and uncomfortable about anything womanly-pregnancy, breastfeeding, periods, boobs, etc. She's single, no kids. She has also asked me to never tell her anything about pumping or breastfeeding. So, I haven't and if she's around when I need to BF I always cover up, even if it's in my own living room.

Anyway, today we were chatting online and it was time for me to pump so I told her I had to go "do something". She (correctly) interpreted that to mean that I had to pump and got all grossed out and mad at me. She started saying how gross is and how boobs are disgusting. I got SUPER MAD. Breastfeeding has been pretty easy for me, but I'm pretty damn proud of myself for BFing 10 months and pumping at work. So yea, to have my efforts be called "disgusting" really pissed me off. The convo ended with her saying "I better leave before I get any more pissed" and I said "good idea". I'm just so frustrated and hurt by her. I feel like she's being super immature and I have to be careful what I say around her so as not to offend.

Sorry this is long.

starlingrose · January 2010

AH! I cant believe that you have actually put up with that. I would NEVER apologize to anyone for breastfeeding or try to cover up the fact that I pump ect? She is being incredibly immature and a bad friend. Thats really ridiculous. Its so hard when single friends dont understand our new world. I have similar issues with my friends who want to party all the time. One time when Aiden was about 2 weeks old they came over to visit on a sunday and brought coolers? Why the hell do you need drink on a sunday afternoon- while visiting with a newborn?....Anyways not sure If I have any advice because I wouldnt have even gone as far as to lie about pumping ect. Sorry you have to deal with that!!

PizzaBride · January 2010

Breasts are disgusting!?!? I assume, because she is female, that she has a set of breasts...so she must find her own breasts disgusting. Does she constantly wear a bra so that she doesn't have to look at them? Does she wear it in the shower, too?

What a stupidbitch...I'd be pissed, too. I'm sorry, there is nothing disgusting about breasts or breastfeeding. Your friend is an idiot.

sunnyday016 · January 2010

jackieobride:
AH! I cant believe that you have actually put up with that. I would NEVER apologize to anyone for breastfeeding or try to cover up the fact that I pump ect? She is being incredibly immature and a bad friend. Thats really ridiculous. Its so hard when single friends dont understand our new world. I have similar issues with my friends who want to party all the time. One time when Aiden was about 2 weeks old they came over to visit on a sunday and brought coolers? Why the hell do you need drink on a sunday afternoon- while visiting with a newborn?....Anyways not sure If I have any advice because I wouldnt have even gone as far as to lie about pumping ect. Sorry you have to deal with that!!

I was "apologizing" rather sarcastically :P

Thanks for your kind words. You're right-our single friends have no idea...we really are different people after we have our LOs!

EcoBaby · January 2010

The girl has issues, obviously. I can't even fathom wanting to talk to someone like that, so I can't give good advice.

k8atl · January 2010

she sounds awfully self-centered. you were clearly being respectful of her boundaries and comfort-level, she ought to pay you the same respect. goes back to the old saying - if you can't say something nice, just don't say it. you gave her and easy out and she needs to just keep quiet and get out of the conversation if she's uncomfortable.

Traycee1242 · January 2010

Did she ever give you a reason why she feels that way? It seems so extreme to me. Before hating on her....find out why she has such an extreme reaction.

I know someone who feels like your friend...she is a sexual abuse survivor.

She might not tell you... but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

CollieJade · January 2010

I think calling your friend an "idiot" as the pp did is quite judgemental, but IMO your friend does have some issues that are NOT normal. I get not feeling comfortable w/the idea of BFing (some people just aren't cool w/it personally, whatevs, to each his own...) but to get MAD at you and badmouth what you are doing when the general word on it is that it's healthy, that is a highly unusual response. she honestly sounds like she had some kind of abuse in her past to make her think that boobs are gross.

sunnyday016 · January 2010

Traycee1242:
Did she ever give you a reason why she feels that way? It seems so extreme to me. Before hating on her....find out why she has such an extreme reaction.

I know someone who feels like your friend...she is a sexual abuse survivor.

She might not tell you... but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

I know her pretty well, and I don't know of anything like this in her past. She's a tomboy though. My hope is that we can just move on and forget about it completely. She's hurt my feelings, and she feels like I hurt her feelings.

preppynewlywed · January 2010

Lurking from BOTB.

I am willing to bet she was abused or someone along the line made her very ashamed of her body.

That was my first thought when I read this.

lkstor · January 2010

Traycee1242:

Did she ever give you a reason why she feels that way? It seems so extreme to me. Before hating on her....find out why she has such an extreme reaction.

I know someone who feels like your friend...she is a sexual abuse survivor.

She might not tell you... but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

This was my thought exactly.

jk09uhed89 · January 2010

i find it really strange that she acts that way.

to get mad at you for simply saying you have to go do something??? something is up there, that doesnt seem right at all

her attitude about it is really extreme and personally its not something i would be willing to put up with

wnk1029 · January 2010

I'm kind of surprised at how mean some posters are being... I mean, are we really going to stoop to name-calling?

Obviously this girl's opinions are outside the 'norm,' (even for non-APers), and I'd be willing to bet that there may be a reason for her extreme insecurity about the issue. I was thinking the same thing as the previous poster who mentioned the possibility of sexual abuse -- people who have been victimized often have a hard time accepting their bodies. It's painful for me to see people who so often complain about others not seeing their point of view to so quickly write off someone else as an "idiot" without knowing her story.

To the OP -- Perhaps you should start out by telling her how much it hurts your feelings when she insults (whether she means to or not) an accomplishment of which you're very proud and which will benefit your LO. Guide her to think of it outside of the physical, and let her see how much it means to you emotionally.

sunnyday016 · January 2010

wnk1029:
I'm kind of surprised at how mean some posters are being... I mean, are we really going to stoop to name-calling?
Obviously this girl's opinions are outside the 'norm,' (even for non-APers), and I'd be willing to bet that there may be a reason for her extreme insecurity about the issue. I was thinking the same thing as the previous poster who mentioned the possibility of sexual abuse -- people who have been victimized often have a hard time accepting their bodies. It's painful for me to see people who so often complain about others not seeing their point of view to so quickly write off someone else as an "idiot" without knowing her story.
To the OP -- Perhaps you should start out by telling her how much it hurts your feelings when she insults (whether she means to or not) an accomplishment of which you're very proud and which will benefit your LO. Guide her to think of it outside of the physical, and let her see how much it means to you emotionally.

Thank you so much. No, she is not an idiot at all, just someone who is uncomfortable with stuff like this. Perhaps she has been abused, although I doubt it because we lived together for years and are very close. I did tell her I was proud of myself and that she hurt my feelings. I guess it's just one of those things that we'll never see eye to eye on. Still hurts (and makes me angry) though.

somethingchangd · January 2010

I completely agree with the PPs that there is a good chance she's a survivor of sexual abuse. Just because you're close and lived together and she never told you, doesn't mean it never happened to her. If she can't deal with talking about breastfeeding, do you really think she could talk about rape?

Temp108743750006959 · January 2010

some relationships are not to be or people grow apart despite all efforts.

that said, I prob would have been mad too, but I think the next thing I would try is empathy for her. It might not work, but I'd give it a try and see if you can get your close friend to open up a bit and explain.

and the next thing I would do (if it were me) is explain that from here on out, you are firm on the fact that YOU feel happy and comfortable with your breasts and breastfeeding and you will not waver from expressing this. of course, if she opens up to you about her reasons, you may want to ease into that.

I wasn't thinking abuse, I was thinking perhaps gender issues.

ncbelle · January 2010

I agree that it seems like she's got something much deeper going on. Whatever the cause of her reaction, it's sad that she responds that way. I would definitely feel hurt and would have a hard time not saying something if I'd gone as far as you have to respect her wishes. Maybe it's time to have a heart to heart about it if this is a friendship that you want to continue. And while you may not be able to change her mind, I think you have every right to express your hurt and let her know how important BFing is to you.

christina-marie · January 2010

Traycee1242:
Did she ever give you a reason why she feels that way? It seems so extreme to me. Before hating on her....find out why she has such an extreme reaction.

I know someone who feels like your friend...she is a sexual abuse survivor.

She might not tell you... but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

I was thinking this exact same thing. Although, I must admit it doesn't excuse her behavior. I find it odd that she had to end the conversation before SHE got any more pisssed? It's odd (to say the least) that she's offended by your BFing; but that is her problem to work through not yours. Don't take ownership of her hangups KWIM?

praline · January 2010

Huh, wow she has issues. Like to the point that I'd suspect she was molested or something. What under 70 yr old woman is that mortified by hearing the word (or even the idea of) breasts?

Chrysallys · January 2010

Whoa, how old is she? She sounds like she's got some major body issues. Was she sexually abused? Her behavior isn't normal.

And stay proud mama. You've doing great. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

DarcyLongfellow · January 2010

I agree with others that there's something else going on there. No one has issues like that without some real serious cause.

Here's what I would do. I'd decide that I wasn't going to tiptoe around her any more. And I'd tell her that straight up. Maybe the next time she comes over to your house, tell her that her attitude towards breastfeeding is very upsetting to you. You feel strongly that breastfeeding is natural and normal, and you're no longer going to hide it from her. If she has issues with that, they are just that -- her issues, and she needs to either open up to you about her past or stop letting those issues affect her behavior.

rachz21 · January 2010

As far as I read it in your post, you held up to your end of the bargin by not directly talking about BFing or pumping. If she takes offense to your saying that you have to go "do something," then she clearly has a problem, that is a HER problem, not a YOU problem. Abuse or no abuse (as mentioned why she may be acting this way), one can still be respectful.

jenibo · January 2010

EcoBaby:
The girl has issues, obviously. I can't even fathom wanting to talk to someone like that, so I can't give good advice.

This.

sunnyday016 · January 2010

Thanks everyone for your input and support. I tried calling her after work but she didn't answer-I left her a message. Hopefully we can work it out because, like I said in my OP, she is one of my best friends and I love her dearly.

SapphyrEyes · January 2010

sunnyday016:
wnk1029:

I'm kind of surprised at how mean some posters are being... I mean, are we really going to stoop to name-calling?

Obviously this girl's opinions are outside the 'norm,' (even for non-APers), and I'd be willing to bet that there may be a reason for her extreme insecurity about the issue. I was thinking the same thing as the previous poster who mentioned the possibility of sexual abuse -- people who have been victimized often have a hard time accepting their bodies. It's painful for me to see people who so often complain about others not seeing their point of view to so quickly write off someone else as an "idiot" without knowing her story.

To the OP -- Perhaps you should start out by telling her how much it hurts your feelings when she insults (whether she means to or not) an accomplishment of which you're very proud and which will benefit your LO. Guide her to think of it outside of the physical, and let her see how much it means to you emotionally.

Thank you so much. No, she is not an idiot at all, just someone who is uncomfortable with stuff like this. Perhaps she has been abused, although I doubt it because we lived together for years and are very close. I did tell her I was proud of myself and that she hurt my feelings. I guess it's just one of those things that we'll never see eye to eye on. Still hurts (and makes me angry) though.

This girl sounds like she was victimized in her past. And even though you lived together and were very close some people do not handle their backgrounds that well and don't share with anyone even if it's someone that they grown close to. Her attitude is alarming and defnitely aggravating. Unfortunately it's something you'll never be able to come to an understanding on for either side. Hopefully, if your friendship is strong enough you can get past it and still be friends in spite of how extreme she is acting in regards to these normal woman things. If not, then know it's ok for friendships to run their course and part amicably.

LucyPevensie · January 2010

Haven't read any responses, only OP, but my first response is there is something wrong with her - psychologically. In other words - she's nuts. And uptight. And .. koo koo. Yes, that covers it. I can't see myself staying friends with someone like that.

jlhabecker · January 2010

wnk1029:
I'm kind of surprised at how mean some posters are being... I mean, are we really going to stoop to name-calling?

yeah, i got made fun of with a side of name calling today

jlhabecker · January 2010

i understand your wanting to just move on. IMO i don't think that just moving on and forgetting about it is going to help because it is already causing censorship in your friendship. i'm not saying that she has to agree with you. she doesn't , yet your not having the freedom to talk about what is going on in your life (BF) makes for an awkward friendship. i encourage you, after you've had some time to talk to her about it and tell her what you shared with us- how hurtful her comments are.

i'm sorry for your hurt. it stinks when there is discord in a friendship.

di0607 · January 2010

It sounds like you grew up and had a baby leaving you friend behind in the dust. None of my single or even engaged friends "get it", they are too preoccupied with their world. My world revolves around my son and my dh and I have "adult" friends now. It's so very true when they say you can quickly outgrow your friends.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with your friend and her immaturity. Now you have to decide if it is worth it to you...

Sunny1inTucson · January 2010

Ok so two options I see: 1) she's extremely immature and uptight about her body; and/or 2) she was victimized in her past and hasn't come to terms with it.

As you are her best friend, I would sit down with her (or if you are long distance over the phone), and express to her that first of all, her comments are extremely hurtful to you.

Also, her feelings (while valid and completely her own) are not....healthy? I wouldn't say normal b/c that isn't nice even though it's true. Basically, in a caring manner I'm saying you should try to dig deeper and figure out if she's got some issues that she hasn't dealt with yet. Not saying that she needs to confess anything to you or even tell you what's going on.

But just suggest that maybe she talk to someone about her feelings about the female body to become more comfortable with what it was naturally made to do. Because you don't want to be made to feel attacked by her and you don't want her to be upset about something like this - something that is very common and natural (i.e., feeding your baby).

Because really, it's NOT normal to get angry, pissed, and disgusted when your best friend insinuates she's going to go pump milk for her LO. So...hopefully she'll talk to someone about her feelings and try to move beyond it. Probably not, but I imagine this affects her in other ways too.

MollyMeinhardt · January 2010

I find it odd that she considers breasts and BF disgusting (especially since she is a woman). I can understand a man being a little awkward around BF, but a woman?? It's completely natural and healthy for your baby!!

You did not even mention the word and she overreacted! You should not have to apologize for doing what's right for you and your child.

iheartnachos · January 2010

In my opinion, this girl has something wrong with her psychologically. Its one thing to make a choice about whether or not to breast feed your own baby, but imposing your extreme views on another person to the point that you can't even mention it to her. That goes beyond being opinionated. That's just...weird.

C-Charm · January 2010

Traycee1242:
Did she ever give you a reason why she feels that way? It seems so extreme to me. Before hating on her....find out why she has such an extreme reaction.

I know someone who feels like your friend...she is a sexual abuse survivor.

She might not tell you... but maybe give her the benefit of the doubt.

What great insight (about the abuse). I also thought her reaction was pretty extreme, but never thought about why that could be.

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