- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Austin Babies
NBR: Okay girls, I'm at a loss.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR: Okay girls, I'm at a loss.
I am so sorry you're dealing with this! What an awful situation. ((HUGS))
I have some personal experience in the type of situation you're describing, and I think you're definitely doing the right thing by not reacting impulsively and thinking over your next move.
Couples counseling or individual counseling for you would be at the top of my list. I think what's most important is deciding what's best for you, and what outcome you might feel comfortable living with.
You may not be ready to share what's happening with your family or friends right now, but a good support system is so important when you're dealing with something so difficult. And you know you've always got nesties in your corner, no matter what happens.
I'm praying for the best for you!
Rarely Updated Blog
This.
Ditto. I think your plan is great & will give you the opportunity to discuss it with him alone and have him spend some time away to consider his actions. I'm really, really sorry. ((hugs))
cheated once and you got through it. You dedicated the time and energy into getting your marriage 'back' after the first time - and going and doing it again (physical or not) would not be tolerated by me. Everyone has to make their own choices and decide what they want... but personally, I would be on the phone with a lawyer trying to figure out how to secure my finances and my child. Even if you decided not to divorce, there is no reason not be prepared -- who knows what HE will want out of this... and I would want to have my bases covered, in case.
I agree with others - figure out exactly what you want before you emotionally react. If you want to stay married - figure out how/if that will work. If you want a seperation to have time to figure it out, find out the legal requirements.
I am so very sorry. Obviously, you have tons of support here. Can you contact a close friend to 'talk things through' before you talk to him? They might give you some clarity, too. Let us know if you need anything.
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.
Ditto all of this 100%. I'm really sorry this is happening to you.
And I LOVE m_and_m's idea about changing the # in is phone by one digit. Brilliant.
this.
I like this idea, too. Or perhaps if she is in there under her name and not just her number, you could change the number to yours, so they come right to your phone.
1. DO NOT feel bad about stumbling across this. You picked up his phone by accident...it was an honest mistake. You were not "snooping" for no reason. Don't let him try and convince you otherwise.
2. Definitely take some time to clear your head before confronting him. Even if that means telling him, "I'm really upset, I don't care to talk about it right now until I've had a chance to think it through." Just make sure that if you give him a vague answer that you give him a specific date/time that you will come back to the topic so you're not leaving him hanging.
3. Ditto Emer....get your ducks in a row. Forward messages to your phone and/or call the cell company and see if you can get a printout of his messages. Even if you're able to get past this particular situation, I would want to file those away for the future......just. in. case.
4. Getting DD out of the house is a GREAT plan. She doesn't need to be around this conversation (even if she were asleep) and you both need to be able to focus 100% of your attentions on the conversation at hand.
5. If you have the cajones....call this other woman. Don't yell at her, don't scream at her but talk to her. Ask her how long they have been texting, how frequently do they turn sexual. Does he always initiate the sexual tone or does she? Have they ever met in an inappropriate situation? She just might surprise you and be honest with you, but at least it will give you an opportunity to hear her side of the story without any prior coaching from your DH. Obviously, you need to be prepared that she will immediately call/text your DH and then the cat will be out of the bag.
6. My thoughts are with you. I've been in a VERY similar situation & I know how gut-wrenching it is to see those texts. I hope for the best possible outcome for you (whatever that may be). If you need anyone to chat with, please don't hestiate to email me: mrsmillertime at gmail
{{{{ HUGS }}}}
Mcgee and others had some very good advice. It sounds like you already have your head on as straight as possible. Think it through before you confront him, but DO confront him once you have a plan.
(((HUGS))) and I'm so verry sorry.
This too.
Same here. Hugs and more hugs...
BFP 12.20.2010 :: missed m/c 1/2011 around 8 weeks
BFP @ 9dpo 5.24.2011 :: missed m/c 6/2011 around 7 weeks
positive for ANAs (1:40) with a speckled pattern
MTHFR c677t mutation (heterozygous)
*folic acid, baby asprin, Prometrium, acupuncture, Lovenox*
BFP @ 9dpo 2.1.2012 || HCG = 8 : Progesterone = 19.2
2nd HCG @ 11dpo = 40 || 3rd HCG @ 21dpo = over 5000!
Stick, little one, stick! EDD October 15, 2012
52 Choices For Better Health
this!
This was my first thought, almost exactly.
I have been out all day but wanted to offer what little support I can from afar. I know from personal experience how devastating it is to deal with this behavior.
I hope your talk has been productive and you are able to find whatever solution works best for you and DD.
Me as well. I hope that you get the answers and/or resolution you are wanting.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't feel the need to get more evidence, but I would capture what you have found. Texas is a no-fault divorce state, but it could still be admissible in court if it comes to that, especially if custody gets contentious. I would also have a plan to get some money into an account of my own (if the money is in joint accounts) so that I would not be in deep trouble if he decides to go empty accounts when he finds out what you know.
I would find counseling for myself, if not jointly. If only to have someone safe to talk with and think through things aloud.
Is this the same woman as before, or a new woman?
Something you'll need to decide for yourself is if you are better with him or without him. That will help you make your decision.
You are a smart, educated woman with a good job who can support herself and her child. So don't feel you have to stay out of fear of the unknown.
If it were me, I would assume that there has been physical adultery as well as emotional, and insist on getting myself tested for STDs ASAP and again in 6 months. If I were to continue a relationship with him, he would need to get tested as well.
One thing that is bugging me about this, is how much you have shared about wanting another child and how disappointed you are that he is not willing to do so because of his health. Knowing his actions now makes me wonder if health is really his reason and that makes me even sadder for you.
You've gotten so much advice I don't have anything to add, other than to say I'm sorry you are going through this and you know this board is here to support you, whatever you need.
I'll ditto everything taffy said.
But I'm going to have to disagree with MMT - I would NOT call the other woman. This is between you and your husband. It doesn't matter who she is or what her side of the story is. The bottom line is that no one put a gun to your husband's head. HE is cheating, if not physically then at least emotionally. Talking it out with the other woman or telling her to stay away from your man or whatever detracts from the real problem - your husband and his actions - and it may even allow him to weasel out of trouble by placing the blame and your attention on her.
IMHO, forget about her. Focus instead on yourself and your daughter. Decide what you want from your marriage and in your life going forward, whether that's to stay with this man or separate. And then do what you need to do to make that happen. If it helps to release some anger, perhaps write a letter to the other woman and then destroy it, but I'd avoid contacting her because nothing good will come from it.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
This! I am thinking of you!
Our Blog
All, first THANK YOU so much for your words of support, kindness, and hugs. It means so much to have such a supportive group of women. Amazing. It's been a really really tough day. We're both on vacation and dd has been at daycare and I've been alone with him for the most of the day. He's been texting, off and on while I've been working around the house, trying to stay busy. I did get to sneak a peak at his phone when he left to use the bathroom and the top three texts were to her. I didn't get a chance to open them, but from the couple words that showed on the screen seemed they were having some ongoing conversation. I don't know. I just broke my heart to see her name again.
This is a different woman. He's only known her 6 months.
I'm incredibly angry, sad, frustrated that he's put me and our family in this position.
I just don't understand why he has consciously made this decision again.
As of now, I'm planning on talking to him tonight. I will ask him for his phone and bring up all texts to her and ask him to explain himself. I plan on staying calm. I'm going to ask him to attend individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. This is his only option to avoid a separation and/or divorce. This is a non-negotiable. We do have separate checking/savings/money market/401K's etc...the house, cars, etc are in both of our names. Financially, I'm stable and not worried about that being a factor in the future. I do plan on asking him to resign for the Board in which she is the President of. He has organized a huge golf tournament on behalf of the organization and I will ask him to identify someone else that can take his place as the organizer. This too is a non-negotiable. If he can't/won't agree to any of the above, I've already made arrangements for him to stay with someone until I decide what my next will be. My parents are picking up dd in a bit....I just sent him to run an errand so that he is not here when they pick her up. I have a tape recorder hidden and plan on taping our conversation. I have my neighbor on notice in the event I need a witness. I'm not worried about him becoming confrontational/violent/etc...he's going to be shocked, embarrassed, and emotional.
Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and hugs. I need them. I'll update tomorrow.
Tracy
good luck!
I'll be thinking about you tonight - and I hope everything goes well (as well as possible). I hope you and your DD end up exactly where you 'need' to be when this all comes to an end.
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.
My best wishes for a reasonably calm intervention and a positive outcome if there is such a thing. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Wow, sweetie, I'm so sorry for this mess! I don't have any advice that wouldn't be totally counterproductive and probably illegal.
I do agree with the pp who said that he might have a problem. Definitely counseling together and maybe for you by yourself?
It sounds like you have a great plan for this evening. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts.
good luck. I don't "know" you, other than what I've read from you on this board, but I teared up reading your response just above. I am sorry, again, that you're having to plan all this and having to worry about this.
I hope your talk goes well, that he agrees to your concessions and that everything works out.
hugs.
this. i'm so sorry. good luck.
This. I'll be holding good thoughts for you tonight.
