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Adoption
MayDayGirl
member
VERY htt, tread lightly
MayDayGirl
member
in Adoption
If you are open to all sorts of races, do you have a hard time not judging those who aren't?
If you are open to only a specific race, do you have a hard time not judging those who are more open?
Please be respectful of your answers, and let's try to keep this nice 
Married on 3.20.2004. It took 30 month, 2 failed adoptions and IVF for our first miracle. We have had 9 foster kids since he was born and started the domestic adoption process when he was 10 month old, we had 4 failed matches in that time. After our daughter was born we brought her home and spent 2 weeks fearing we might lose her because of complications that came up. But Praise God all went through and she is ours forever! Expecting again after IVF
This discussion has been closed.
Re: VERY htt, tread lightly
We have very limited openness to race. We do not judge those who are more open.
In our particular situation, we live in a very diverse little neighborhood, but our town is not diverse as a whole. We also have relatives who are openly racist. We did not feel comfortable adopting a child of a different race who would have a good chance of feeling out of place in our town as well as dealing with comments from relatives, even if we had limited contact with them.
I think everyone makes the decision based on what they think they're comfortable with, and I wouldn't judge one way or another.
In our homestudy, we did an exercise called the bead game. We were given a cup and several different colors of beads each of which were to represent a different race. They went through a list of questions, for example, what does your neighborhood look like (you would put in a bead to represent each nationality represented in your neighborhood). This list went on to include your workplace, your church, your family, your close friends...you get the idea. At the end, you were supposed to put in one for each of the races you were willing to accept into your home. I think this is a really good exercise for exercise and may bring to light some of the challenges that you may be facing raising a child of a different race.
When we got done, a few couples only had a cup full of "white" beads. I think that is fine....every couple should only accept a child that they are willing and prepared to accept into their home.
Nope to either one. I'm really self-absorbed and only care about what's right for my family!
I will say that...flexibility is the fruit of life.
I think everyone "sees" their family one way or another. And their "vision" may not be the same as mine. I would never judge them nor would I want to be judged for mine.
With adoption there can be such a feeling of being "judged" without us adding to it.
It's an interesting question, and one that my DH and I had to deal with when we were first exploring adoption.
I was more open to racial makeup than my husband. My long-time boyfriend was AA, and for many years I assumed that my children would be biracial/AA. Given my choice, I would likely have opted for AA domestic.
My husband is Korean/American, a culture that is not predisposed to accepting adoption. Adopting a Korean child made the whole concept more palatable to his family. Also, my DH is a teacher in the Chicago Public Schools, and he sees first-hand how difficult life in America is for a Black young man. He doesn't feel that he has the appropriate resources to be a father to an AA son. I deferred to his wishes, because parenting is hard enough without these doubts.
Building a family is intensely personal. I don't judge anyone's decisions and I prefer they not judge mine (and I overheard some pretty nasty comments about my AA boyfriend when I was in college).
Personally, I would be open to all races. I think my DH is somewhat open, although he has some reservations about being a "conspicuous" family.
However, we are probably not going to adopt a child of another race, because our neighborhood and community are not well-integrated at all. If we lived elsewhere, we might be more open, but right now it's just not realistic for us to raise an AA child.
I don't judge those who are more or less open than we are. Everyone has to make the choices that they are comfortable with, based on their own family, community and social circle.
As a BM, I was more concerned with finding the perfect family for K and less about the color of their skin. With K being biracial (AA & white), we had no idea what she would look like until she was born. Her BF is black as midnight and I am as white as they come. People tell me I am whiter than Casper and I could glow in the dark.
As we looked at profiles, we realized we preferred a couple that was mixed as well. We wanted her to feel comfortable, and get less looks of "WTF??" and more of "That's cool!!" If that makes any sense. K's adoptive mom is white and her adoptive father is AA. It worked out perfectly and there will be less questions as she grows up. I don't expect her family or K to hide the adoption, but she does not have to explain it everytime someone meets them.
I love all the responses! Such an open board!
This is a hard thing for me, part of me feels we shouldn't care about skin color in the world ie not care about the race of our child, but then I remember that having a child in your home for the rest of your life of a different skin color is completely different than walking around in the world not "seeing" color .
The child's needs are more important than not feeling picky. As Hershey wrote, our child will always be obviously adopted simply because of his/her skin color. And that might be hard for him/her, it is something as a family we will have to work through.
If like DrL we had racist family members, I cannot fathom bringing an AA child into a family like that.
All this to say I don't judge others for their decision, but it is a good to remind myself daily that there are a million reasons for why each family goes the route they do.
No, I do not judge how other people grow their families. I prefer that they do not judge how I grow mine.
I don't understand this. How is it racist to acknowledge (for whatever reason) that you might not be the best parent for a child of another race? Especially since some of those reasons--such as community--are external factors?
To me, the refusal to acknowledge the potential difficulties in parenting a child of another race (especially for a white parent who may not understand what it feels like to be a minority) holds much more potential for harm.
I do not judge people on their choices in adopting a child/children. We are only open to caucasian for several reasons. One of my main reasons that has not been mentioned is that I don't know other cultures very well. I guess it's because while there are other races around where we live now, there weren't many minorities in the town we grew up in. I feel very strongly that if you adopt from another country/ethnicity/etc, that you should teach your child about their culture and I don't feel like I could adequately do that. I do sometimes feel quilty about not being more open to other races but I think each family should do what they are comfortable with.
DH and I have been very up front that we want a caucasian child- we may consider a mixed race- but we want the child to look like us. I am from a very conserative family, and so is DH. We know what is best for us. I do not judge others for their views and I hope that people respect our decision.
We actually felt bad telling our SW this- she said- dont feel bad- you are giving a wonderful home to a child who needs it, dont feel bad.
We were somewhat limited in our openness. We took the decision very seriously and took a good, hard look at our extended families and our community. Our agency offered some excellent training on transracial adoption, so I feel like we made the best decision for our family. The one thing that stuck with me was the comment that before considering transracial adoption, be sure you are surrounded by a lot of diversity. Don't just adopt a child of another race, and then seek to be part of an AA (or whatever) community.
Though I did not (do not) judge those who are more open, I do always think, "I hope they've given this a lot of thought and have received a lot of education."
Interesting topic. I've felt judged on this board before--long ago by a poster who is no longer around. Thought that was pretty crummy.
In our families a baby is a baby....blue,purple, green or full AA....to be honest dh and i are extremely thrilled that our baby is AA, and thats just us... you do have to do what is best for your family but no matter what race the baby is they all need the same kind of love. I would never judge why someone wouldnt want another race child, i would probably wonder their thought process but not judge... I DO however think that if u gave a full AA baby to a family that was set on a caucasion baby they would have a very hard time not falling in love and forgetting where that baby came from.
Our first foster baby was dark aa and after several months dh and i were talking and we had almost forgotten that we were white!!! and i know its not all about color its about culture so you need to do what you think is best.. to each his own i guess and we all got to adoption probably through some sort of struggle to have a family and judging is the last thing we should be doing.
TTC since 2005
missed miscarriage nov 2006- 4 failed clomid cycles-
3 failed femara iui cycles-
moving on to IVF oct 2011
ER nov. 7th
tansfered 2 blasts on 11/10
lots of +hpt!!
beta #1 on 11/21= 50.4
beta #2 on11/23= 90.8
another miscarriage 12/23
moving on to Round 2 of IVF with an auto immune dx
ER 4/23-retrieved 12 eggs
ET 4/28 3 transfered
Beta #1- 356
Beta #2- 870
I just want to add my $.02 relating to the above comments. Yes, you need to be aware of it and do all you can to facilitate cultural awareness and diversity in your child's life. However...
I grew up in a very diverse part of the country (San Francisco). However, our family now lives in a rural part of the country where there is minimal diversity (though the general feeling is one of tolerance and respect). We try and facilitate as much exposure to our children's culture and race as possible, BUT it is no where near what it would be if we lived in other parts of the country. I still firmly believe our children are better off here than starving in Haiti.
You have to be aware of the challenges and do all you can to facilitate a healthy cultural upbringing in your child regardless of race. But, IMO (and I'm sure some will disagree with me) living in a non-diverse area does not preclude you from adopting a child of another race/culture.
This is PRECISELY the discussion we had at our house. In fact, these words--or something similar--actually came out of my mouth. Appearance has very little to do with it. I do not need any child to look like me. Heck, my own biological son looks nothing like us! I have very dark hair (almost black), and DH's hair was brown when he had it (lol). DS is blonde. We had to decide which races we would best be able to parent into adulthood. What would be the best choice for BOTH of our children, and for our family as whole? Etc. After reviewing everything and having hours upon hours of conversations about it, we came to our decision. Because of the thought we put into it, I am very confident in our decision.
I would like to think that most adoptive parents go through this sort of process before making such an important decision. Therefore, as I said previously, I don't judge others for their decisions. They know what will work best for their family.
I really like this thought in theory, but in practice I always go along this thought process when I hear it... The concept preassumes there are sufficient "best families" available for orphans of other races. Let's face it--there are tens of millions more non-white orphans in the world than there are PAPs. I wonder if, given the choice, the non-white orphan would pass up a loving family just b/c they weren't the "best" on paper.
Another point. DH and I may not be "the best" parents for our bio daughter. I'm sure somewhere out there are 2 individuals who are better parents than we are. That doesn't mean I want her to go live with them. None of us are going to be perfect parents. But are we willing to do the best we can by our kids, learn from our mistakes and continuously improve as parents?
I'm not judging anyone based on their preference for a child. I have to admit that DH and I went into adoption thinking we wanted only a CC or CC/H, or CC/Asian child. We were not open to bi-racial or AA children. When the call came about Ben, they said he was CC/Hisp., but the BM insisted he was part AA. We read the situation and looked at his picture and loved him from the moment we saw him-not even thinking about his race (we knew he had some AA in him when we saw the picture although the agency still insisted otherwise). We later found out that he was CC/ 1/4 AA and 1/4 Hispanic. Now, sometimes I feel so awful that my choices almost kept us from the child God had for us.
I'm not going to tell anyone to adopt a certain race or be open to a certain race. It's your choice and your family. I feel in my heart that God chose the child for us and that everything that happened was exactly how God planned it all along.
Exactly. I think a lot of PAPs, and social workers, agencies, etc. try to make the "best" matches. Which child will fit which family "the best", etc. This is great, and it does serve a purpose. But in the grand scheme of things, I think it ends up doing a lot of harm too. None of us will go through life without difficulties, challenges and unfairness. To try to escape it, to make our lives easier, is human... but how many opportunities do we miss because of it? There are kids who need families. There are birthmoms being turned away because there's not enough "demand" for their child's racial makeup. Placing that child in a loving, stable home, even if the parents don't live in a diverse "enough" neighborhood, or have a diverse "enough" church/school/whatever, is preferable to that child being raised in a home where the parents can't provide for him/her, or where the child is exposed to violence, hunger, neglect/any myriad reasons the birthparents wanted to place the child in the first place. At least in my humble opinion.
When we go active, we'll be open to any race. Are we nervous? You bet. We're white, and odds are we'll be raising a black child(ren). Can anyone truly be prepared for such a thing? We'll do our very best to expose all our kids to black american culture, but we know it'll only be a substitute for what black parents could instill. We'll get questions and comments and stares, and so will our kids (bio and adopted). But our job as parents is to equip our kids to deal with stuff like this. It is our stance that you get one life - we're going to live it as well as we can, and give our kids the strongest foundation and faith in God that we can. Life is tough no matter what you look like or where you come from. A racial challenge may look and feel different from other challenges in life, but at its root it can be dealt with like any of the other cards we're dealt in life.
This is a great topic, MayDay, and one I think Americans should examine more often. Our feelings about race are often easy to define when talking about strangers. But what about having a different race in your own home? For many, this is a completely different equation.
I'm with Fred on this one. I don't judge others for their choices - judgment, as far as I'm concerned, is in the hands of God and we all will face Him and someday and answer for how we have lived. But, I admit it hurts my heart a little when others say that they don't feel a child of another race is "right" for their family. I don't discount their reasoning - racism elsewhere in the family, a less-than-diverse community, and systemic prejudice are all real and to be dealt with.
I live in the suburbs of the Denver metro area and the demographic here definitly skews primarily Caucasian and Hispanic. But, we also have thriving African-American, Asian, and Orthodox Jewish populations in addition to many others. My neighborhood? Definitely more "white" than anything else, but there are (Eastern) Indians, AA, and Hispanic families on my street. I could probably argue that my (potentially) AA or biracial child might be one of only a few in their class. I also have extended family that probably has less than progressive (read racist) views about non-whites.
But here's the sticking point for me: if I refuse a child because of their race based on social prejudice or familial pressure, what does that say about ME? Do I relent to those pressures because it WILL be difficult to assimilate this child? Do I relent because someone in my family WILL react negatively? And if I do, how do I answer to God when He asks why I made that choice? Because it was too hard?
I am intelligent, well-educated, and I want for nothing. If I don't open my arms to ANY child - and then advocate for that child until the cows come home in every situation necessary, e.g., when some knuckle-head makes a racist comment to us, or my local school doesn't provide diversity in educational services, or when the world casts a sideye on us because our family looks different - then who will?
Open-mindedness isn't just the responsibility of the rest of the world and for people in open and diverse communities in urban areas. Tolerance and acceptance is the responsibility of ALL people. And it starts at home. This may sound preachy, unrealistic, and hippy-dippy-liberal to some folks, but this was the only decision I could make that felt right to my conscience.
we've talked a lot about this in our house. DH is from SUPER small farming town, and I hear ALLLLL the time about the "that one black guy" that lives there, who happened to be adopted into that family, and is also a doctor. Yet DH feels he'd have to change the whole mentality of the town in order to get them to stop talking about his bi-racial kid. (his family is "high profile" in that area, for many silly reasons that make me giggle) (all good) He finally confessed that if we were to adopt a biracial AA child, he worries people would whisper that I cheated on him (with an AA.)
I scoff at most of this notion myself, but it is what it is. I'm a mom. I want to me a mom to more kids. I don't care if they are green and purple with red spots, gimme more kids to kiss goodnight.
We're focusing on asian ethnicities because we spent many months living there, and love the culture(s). And those cultures are something that we'd like to share with our family, and our children. I guess we choosing what we're choosing because we'd rather have an annual vacation to Thailand vs Peru. Just a preference.
There's many other factors, but that's my nutshell.
Do I judge others? not one darn bit. We have good friends that have gone thru HUNDREDS of IVF's, etc. and failed adoptions. They will ONLY consider a newborn, and one that comes from VERY caucasian-looking parents. They joke that the baby best have blond hair and blue eyes or they won't take it. Not my cup of tea, but it's their family. not mine.
I'm totally picking up what you're laying down, Fred! I'm sure that some would argue that my ideals are a luxury I can afford to have and that other PAPs aren't in the same boat.
I guess my point is that while I acknowledge that what you describe above is the reality for some families (bigoted immediate family and community), I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that a sizable portion of the families who have the means to adopt also have families and communities similar to ours - with some questionable family contacts and a predominantly white makeup.
To be honest, if my family was so overtly bigoted that it would preclude me from bringing a non-white child into my family, I would have to seriously consider how much contact they would have with ANY kid of mine - because I don't want to expose my kids to that kind of influence.
My parents are in their early 60's and from upper New England - which means they come equipped with some biases I'm not going to change. Our approach was to sit down with all our parents and have a VERY frank discussion about us having a non-white child and what that would mean. How certain speech and attitudes from the past were simply not going to be tolerated and that any meaningful relationship with our kid would be predicated on an open mind and heart. We didn't tiptoe around it - just came out and laid down some expectations. And everyone responded well. Obviously, we'll have to see how it goes in practice, but I'm confident our family will live up to our expectations.
But not everyone has the relationship we do with our folks. And not everyone feels comfortable having this kind of discussion with their family.
And that's the part that hurts my heart - that for some families, a white child is the path of least resistance.
Of course not. Beyond culture, it is the responsibility of the parents to provide a strong sense of identity--within their adoptive family, birth family, school community, neighborhood, etc. No doubt you do this for your children. For some people (maybe not here) that is a big task, and not one to be taken lightly.
I've seen this in my family when my aunt adopted a biracial child. His race was never spoken of, and for many years his parents would just say, "We're not really sure about his race. His father might have been white." As insane as that sounds, I don't think it is that unusual in this country.
?Judge? Nope, that is not my place. ?But question their reasoning? ?Yep, I do. ?Everyone on every side of this has posted well thought answers, and I respect everyone of them. ?Are there reasons why transracial adoptions don't seem like they could work for some people? ?Sure, but I tend to think like Colorx girl on this one, if I'm ?not willing to take a stand, then how will the world ever get better? ?This isn't to say that I want my family to be a walking political statement, but rather that when racial issues come up, just do the best I can do. ?
?Have we thought about all of the issues that may come up if we do pursue adoption form Ethiopia? ?We honestly have tried, but I'm sure there is much more that we cannot even comprehend until the issue arises. ?Am I willing to throw myself completely into this? ?Absolutely, and I think that while love may not conquer all, education can pick up the slack.
My main concern with transracial adoption for my family is?adopting?only one child of a different race. ?I personally do not want to do this at all. ?I'm just imagining how a child might feel to come into a family where no one looks like them. ?We have two bio kids at home, and I will not adopt only one child of a different race. ?I simply cannot fathom doing that right now. ?This is the hold-up with my DH and I moving forward with adopting from Ethiopia. ?We have researched, gathered paperwork, met an agency over the past year. ?Now, DH cannot process going forward. ?We had agreed to 3 children total, and I am the one changing that. ?While I do feel like 4 kids is a lot for our family, I refuse to give up on adopting a sibling group. ?Is my DH right that bringing one child home to America into a family that looks completely different them better then growing up in an?orphanage?with no family? ?Probably, but I still do not think its fair to that child.?
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ITA
And it hurts my heart to think that someone feels God is going to think less of me because I didn't want to subject my child to being potentially cut off from family, community, etc. for a situation that may not have been right to begin with.
I'm going to be honest here, please no flames. Truthfully, my non-openness to a race besides white/hispanic is due to the fact that I want the baby to look like us. or at least have a chance. I know, shallow, ridiculous, petty, I know. But the place where my heart is right now, I want to adopt a new infant, one that people could look at and not automatically know. Where I am right now, I want as close to the experience of a child of my own as I can get. That may change as we get further into things. I am ruling nothing out. It's just where I am right now.
Please no judgement. I am aware that this is not a good way of thinking. I definitely do not judge those who are totally open to any race. I have no room to judge anyone about anything.
Dr. L - I know what you're saying. I was speaking to my specific situation - where we have the ability to provide a good home and upbringing for a child of any race. I do feel an ethical imperative on this issue that others may or may not feel (or even be able to accommodate if they did). And I don't judge them for that because I don't have to walk in their shoes. The thought of cutting off my family for a child is not a choice I'd like to make.
What I'm getting at is that we live in a world where people have to make these types of choices and that is what hurts me. I, personally, DON'T have to make that call - which is why I feel it is even more important for someone in my shoes to be open to any child.
Does that make sense?
Yes it makes sense. Unfortunately, the way I read it was broader, and implied that God was going to think less of someone who wasn't able to be open to any child, for a multitude of reasons. If that's not how you meant it, I'm glad to hear it.
No, I'm talking about me. God has been very generous with his gifts to me and my family and I feel that his generosity is repayed in a sense by setting aside concerns about race and working to be the best parent possible - to whatever child he brings us.
I know that not everyone has these advantages and that's why this is a personal choice for all of us.
There's been a lot of good stuff and I must admit I wasn't able to read every response but I wanted to add what our experience had been. When we started my DH was not open to any race other than CC. As we went through our journey he discovered that health (physical and mental) was what mattered to him. Honestly, though we weren't comfortable taking a full AA case. I don't think there is anything wrong with knowing your own limitations are and sometimes you can't explain the feeling of comfort.
My DH now likes to talk about his swing in choice from wanting a CC child to now being the father of our BR son. He said that in the beginning he realizes the reason he was only open to CC was that he hadn't come to terms with my infertility and dealt with the reality that we would never have a bio child. Somehow ensuring we had a CC child would almost help his denial. Once he dealt with his feelings and came to terms with everything, he was much more open and is now an advocate of transracial adoption.
We don't live in the most diverse City in the US, but it's pretty good. We do stick out but I don't notice anymore. I don't look at our son and see anything but our son. However, I do make sure that I remind myself because its important to celebrate the differences. A fine line to walk if you ask me. We moved to the East from LA. When we return to LA we fit in and it is almost weird. My DH (who a year ago was not open to other races) told me after our last trip how honored he felt to be H's dad and be able to be an example to others in our community.
I say this as nice as I can. I don't JUDGE others that won't except other races but it breaks my heart that they don't want that child. I can understand for MANY reasons why a family doesn't want a child outside of their race but it still makes me sad. Thats the way I feel. I don't judge I always think to each his own and you have to make the best decision for YOU and YOUR family not what the rest of the world is saying!
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
Not judge, but I certainly struggle to relate to them and disagree with their reasoning and opinion. My DD is Caucasian/Inupiat/Hispanic and it wouldn't have mattered to me what she was. We were livid at my MIL when we told her that we would be adopting and her first question was 'What is she? Black, white or mexican?' My DH told her that it didn't matter to us and her race wasn't important. He wouldn't even answer his mom and told her that if she had issues with it or said/did anything inappropriate she could just not be a grandmother anymore to any of our children. She doesn't treat Charlotte different than Cooper and seems overjoyed to be able to buy her all the girlie things she can't with Cooper. We haven't had another race incident since my DH laid his foot down.
I just can't relate to the idea of excluding children based on their race because of any of the following reasons: they won't look like us, we live in an area that's not diverse enough, I can't teach them their culture because I don't know anything about it, my family is racist, we always stick out as a family, etc. I feel like having a bio child is a gamble (not race obviously, but looks, gender, personality, health, etc) and I like the idea that adoption can be too. You just deal the cards you're dealt.
I guess what I'm saying is that I could use the same excuses for a bio child - potentially won't look like us, if special needs then don't live near other special needs children or I don't know anything about the health issue or my family will judge them. I never in a million years would reject a bio child for any of these reasons, so I can't understand or relate to the idea that these reasons make sense when adopting outside your own race.
My question is, why does it matter if you stick out as a family? Is it embarrassment, always having to explain (and just wanting to feel normal)? This point I can relate to because I just get tired of explaining why my children are 4 months apart and I get tired of discussing adoption with every stranger (although lately most people just say congrats and move on, which I love). However I'm hoping that by answering honestly I can help the next adoptive family feel like adoption is normal, even when done outside your own race.
For me not having my DD look like me (even though we are related) has stopped bothering me, although it did at first. The reason it did is because it was a reminder to me that I didn't get to carry her and give birth to her. I didn't like that constant reminder, but now that I've dealt with those feelings, it doesn't matter that she doesn't look like me.
I don't know anything about the traditions in a Hispanic culture, but I'm willing to learn to teach her. I'm also Inupiat and I grew up with the culture, so that's easy to pass on. I feel lucky to learn about another culture that my DD has brought into my life.
Maybe I'm lucky enough to be able to be honest and direct with my family about what is appropriate/inappropriate behavior around my children, to live in a very diverse area and have grown up in a diverse area for my comfort level to be so different than others. I wish it was the case for everyone so that BM's weren't turned away from agencies who didn't have enough 'demand' for their children simply due to race.
I do not judge anyone on how they build their families. It's extremely personal and different for everyone. As far as adoption, whatever you choose should be chosen after doing the appropriate research. I know my focus changed widely after I educated myself on the potential issues post-placement. My first foray into the adoption arena was highly romanticized and unrealistic, mostly based on myths.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
I grew up in a very small town in Texas and I have family members who are racist. I was told by my grandfather when I was probably 5-6 that I would never be allowed to bring home a black man. At 6 I didn?t fully understand, but at 10 I reopened that conversation (as it stuck in my head all those years) and asked ?Why is that if Jesus had skin of coal and hair of wool... Why is it wrong for me??
That said?Now, remember, I am just trying to answer the question and my intension is not to offend. I will say I have a hard time not ?judging? (or questioning their reasons) those who are less open. I hate to judge, hate it, I feel that would make me the same my racist Texan family? I just feel that maybe these reasons are excuses. Excuses to make you feel better about your personal beliefs... I feel where there is a will, there is a way...
& I do not feel that it will be negative on a child to be around my racist family (maybe/if even) once a year and my family has enough respect for me by this point not to mention it around me or my (future) family.
AMEN ColoRX Girl!
I respect everyone's right to make the choice that is right for them. God gave us free will so we can use it but I feel the same way you do. My oldest 3 children are adopted form FC. Oldest DD is C/AA, oldest DS is C/His., youngest DS is C. We are C and thus so is our one Bio child. We have faced prejudices , as much because of FC as because of race or ethnicity, and had to (as gently as possible) educate people and try to change their attitudes. My non-white children are learning more about their culture than if they had stayed with BPs. I don't claim we are perfect but we have always been open to learning and sharing. We would have done the same if all our children were C, or all AA or whatever. I will admit there are aspects of AA and H culture I don't like but there are aspects of my own culture I don't like. I strive to teach my children to be good people, treat others with respect and be proud of who and what they are. It doesn't matter what color your skin is or where your family is from, you will face prejudice for something. Certainly some groups face more than others. I try to keep the thought taht my family is helping dispell some of the myths about adoption and FC (I.E.: not all foster children have problems, not all "black folks" are lazy/stupid/ whatever, not all hispanics are dirty, etc) Whenever one of these myths come up with my kids, I point out to them that it is usually said out of ignorance and fear and you could say the same thing about almost anybody from any group at any given time. It doesn't make it true for the group or for the individual.
I do feel that PAP that have any reservations about race/ethnicity need to follow their heart. There is nothing more devastating than being unhappy to the point of disrupting the adoption. Everyone suffers in that situation and I think it would be better for the child to remain in FC/ orphanage than have to face it.
PAL/PGAL Welcome