VERY htt, tread lightly

8.9.8isthedate

ColoRxGirl:

I'm with Fred on this one.  I don't judge others for their choices - judgment, as far as I'm concerned, is in the hands of God and we all will face Him and someday and answer for how we have lived.  But, I admit it hurts my heart a little when others say that they don't feel a child of another race is "right" for their family.  I don't discount their reasoning - racism elsewhere in the family, a less-than-diverse community, and systemic prejudice are all real and to be dealt with.

I live in the suburbs of the Denver metro area and the demographic here definitly skews primarily Caucasian and Hispanic.  But, we also have thriving African-American, Asian, and Orthodox Jewish populations in addition to many others.  My neighborhood?  Definitely more "white" than anything else, but there are (Eastern) Indians, AA, and Hispanic families on my street.  I could probably argue that my (potentially) AA or biracial child might be one of only a few in their class.  I also have extended family that probably has less than progressive (read racist) views about non-whites.

But here's the sticking point for me: if I refuse a child because of their race based on social prejudice or familial pressure, what does that say about ME?  Do I relent to those pressures because it WILL be difficult to assimilate this child?  Do I relent because someone in my family WILL react negatively?  And if I do, how do I answer to God when He asks why I made that choice?  Because it was too hard?

I am intelligent, well-educated, and I want for nothing.  If I don't open my arms to ANY child - and then advocate for that child until the cows come home in every situation necessary, e.g., when some knuckle-head makes a racist comment to us, or my local school doesn't provide diversity in educational services, or when the world casts a sideye on us because our family looks different - then who will? 

Open-mindedness isn't just the responsibility of the rest of the world and for people in open and diverse communities in urban areas.  Tolerance and acceptance is the responsibility of ALL people.  And it starts at home.  This may sound preachy, unrealistic, and hippy-dippy-liberal to some folks, but this was the only decision I could make that felt right to my conscience.

Well said.

mom2one

Dr.Loretta:

fredalina:

But what if it was my dad, my MIL, my siblings, my siblings-in-law, my cousins, etc.  All those people we didn't get to choose to be related to?  What if i didn't share those racist/bigoted feelings but it seemed like all my family members did?  Is it really a good family environment to raise a child with ZERO contact with extended family?  Will the child sense that they're part of the reason for the strain and tension when relatives call?  It it fair to me and my husband and any other children we may have who may already have relationships with these people to uproot our family and live as though we hatched from an egg, drastically reducing our support network?

(i'm using myself so as not to put anyone on the spot at all.)

ITA

And it hurts my heart to think that someone feels God is going to think less of me because I didn't want to subject my child to being potentially cut off from family, community, etc. for a situation that may not have been right to begin with.

 

Honestly, this just sounds like a lame excuse.

soon2Bkranz

I am not open to many races. I want our kids to look as much like each other as they can. We are very open about the fact that our daugter was adopted at birth, but she may not want to be...If our kids look different from each other then people will ask questions. We always said we would change our race criteria after our first...just base it off of our first child.

Now with 2 that look very similar I feel even stronger about it. The 2 I have are my priority and there is already some potential for issues there so we are putting THEM first. Period. Maybe its harsh but I am saddened for the children out there wanting for homes and great families lie mine...but my kids will ALWAYS come first.

Nothing has broken my heart like looking at the orphans in Russia(2 siblings adopted from Russia 6yrs ago)...Getting a little girl placed on my lap. But I wanted an infant I wanted the chande to know the birthparents so we went domestic. That is all I judge myslef for in adoption...

And I would never judge anybody for their choices in adoption since we all make them...even deciding what age child you want or DA versus IA could be judged..

I guess I look at it like those that live in glass houses..

 

foundmylazybum

soon2Bkranz:

I am not open to many races. I want our kids to look as much like each other as they can. We are very open about the fact that our daugter was adopted at birth, but she may not want to be...If our kids look different from each other then people will ask questions. We always said we would change our race criteria after our first...just base it off of our first child.

Now with 2 that look very similar I feel even stronger about it. The 2 I have are my priority and there is already some potential for issues there so we are putting THEM first. Period. Maybe its harsh but I am saddened for the children out there wanting for homes and great families lie mine...but my kids will ALWAYS come first.

Nothing has broken my heart like looking at the orphans in Russia(2 siblings adopted from Russia 6yrs ago)...Getting a little girl placed on my lap. But I wanted an infant I wanted the chande to know the birthparents so we went domestic. That is all I judge myslef for in adoption...

And I would never judge anybody for their choices in adoption since we all make them...even deciding what age child you want or DA versus IA could be judged..

I guess I look at it like those that live in glass houses..

 

I guess I need more explanation too on your reasoning behind this...and maybe this is completely off base, but...what are you telling your kids? That being a sibling is skin deep? 

For instance, no one in my immediate family is adopted. I don't look anything like my brother...at all. But I know he's my biological brother, and when you meet us, everyone knows we are related, because we are soo similar in our personalities, sense of humor etc..Our "sibling-ness" goes so much deeper than what our faces look like. 

I guess..I don't know, the sibling relationship "should" go deeper than looks.. 

And I'm not trying to judge you...I'm really not--I'm just not sure what the reasoning is behind why you did this.. 

LovelyMissNikki

I'll be totally honest since I've mostly seen admitted judgment from one side and not the other.

Sometimes I wonder whether all people who are open to transracial adoptions have really looked at the up hill battle they're going to climb and not just through the 'everyone needs love' idealistic lens. We've done so much research on the topic, including reading a lot of literature, and talking to adults who were adopted into families of a different race, and there's a lot more to it than just always being a conspicuous family or having to defend your child from a rude family member or stranger.

Perhaps it's because I grew up motherless, but I feel particularly sensitive to the fact that all children grow up and go through at the very least a stage of wondering, "Who am I? Where am I from?" While a loving family to fall back on can definitely soften the process, by no means does it negate some of the potential sticky issues and situations that can crop up if you don't share a common cultural background with your child. Do I think these things can't be handled and navigated with grace and compassion? Absolutely not- I know people can and do handle it and beautifully at that. But I also know that sometimes even the most well meaning parents can fail in this aspect. I realize that cultural tradition (and security in your cultural heritage) has a certain degree of required authenticity. I don't think I'm racist for feeling like our Polish/Russian families just could not provide cultural authenticity for children of other races.  

I want to make it clear that I don't immediately think this off the bat when people say they're open to other races, nor do I judge those that are and take in other races as somehow being inferior or whatever. I just think that there are a certain set of challenges inherent that not everyone will feel they are up to meeting as well as another family could, and I feel sad when other people feel judged and maybe even considered potentially racist for trying to be realistic about all these factors and their own family.

cindybaf

Being right at the beginning of our adoption journey, we haven't even thought about this that extensively yet. We're at the girl or boy stage, believe it or not! I think adoption in itself is huge, we come from families that have had gigantic reservations about adoption. To have come to the decision to adopt before(and maybe in leu of) doing IF treatments, is huge for us in my mind. We got burned with our pregnancies, so trying IF was not something either of us want to do right now-and finally getting the family support in this decision took years. They're at the point that they feel so bad for us they just want us to be happy, oh, and I couldn't care less about what they think anymore about where my future child came from or looks like-shut up is a new word we use in regards to that. I think everyone here deserves some credit! Be proud of yourselves. I think that the more research we do, and the more time yearning for a child, the more open we will feel about all avenues of adoption. And if we want to be parents, I think God will lead us to our child, whatever sex, race, ethnicity they are.