Touchy naming issue

Phantomgirl · October 2009

ToledoDeux:
Phantomgirl:
ToledoDeux:
Phantomgirl:

I disagree with punishing a toddler for this also as per my pp BUT bare in mind that this is her FI and not her DH - makes a difference I think.

I thought the advice to slow down was great advice

No, to me it doesn't make a difference at all. If calling either your FI or your third husband "Daddy" doesn't sit well with you, then have a conversation with your 2-year-old. Model the "correct" name for her. You don't punish for her understandable confusion - regardless if the wedding has taken place or not yet.

There's a huge difference between a BF, FI and a DH. No one else is advocating for punishing the two year old and like you say the confusion is understandable.

**Sigh** No, it doesn't matter... in the context of the advice to punish the toddler. It doesn't matter WHEN the kid uses the word "dad," it is never appropriate to punish her for doing so.

Conversing with you is like conversing with a two year old - I WAS NOT THE PERSON WHO SAID PUNISH THE CHILD and I have agreed with you all the way, other than on the importance of the status of the relationship - if you feel the need to reply again PLEASE go back and read.

CT_08 · October 2009

I think this would be completely up to the kids. If they want to call him Dad that is their choice. My mom married my step-dad when I was 4. I called him dad my whole life; except when around my bio dad's family -- then I called him by his first name. The kids will learn what to call each "dad." My parents just made it clear that I wouldn't get in trouble for whatever I chose to call him (unless it was a swear word). Honestly, my bio dad was my dad, but my step dad was my REAL dad -- he practically raised me.

I would say just let your kids go with whatever they want. They will work it out on their own. I hope this helps!

ToledoDeux · October 2009

Phantomgirl:
ToledoDeux:
Phantomgirl:
ToledoDeux:
Phantomgirl:

I disagree with punishing a toddler for this also as per my pp BUT bare in mind that this is her FI and not her DH - makes a difference I think.

I thought the advice to slow down was great advice

No, to me it doesn't make a difference at all. If calling either your FI or your third husband "Daddy" doesn't sit well with you, then have a conversation with your 2-year-old. Model the "correct" name for her. You don't punish for her understandable confusion - regardless if the wedding has taken place or not yet.

There's a huge difference between a BF, FI and a DH. No one else is advocating for punishing the two year old and like you say the confusion is understandable.

**Sigh** No, it doesn't matter... in the context of the advice to punish the toddler. It doesn't matter WHEN the kid uses the word "dad," it is never appropriate to punish her for doing so.

Conversing with you is like conversing with a two year old - I WAS NOT THE PERSON WHO SAID PUNISH THE CHILD and I have agreed with you all the way, other than on the importance of the status of the relationship - if you feel the need to reply again PLEASE go back and read.

Sweetheart, right back at ya. I know you are not that person, and I am responding to what YOU wrote. My entire point to YOU is that the importance of the relationship has no bearing on whether the child should be punished. In your first response, it appeared that you were giving some leeway to that notion by noting that he was not yet her H.

I'm sorry if you're too dense to get this, but it's no reason to deflect your issues on to me with insults, babe.

hindsight's_a_biotch · October 2009

desdemonah:

First I want to apologize for all the pp who have decided to take it upon themselves to offer their unsolicited advice on how you live your life.

It's a message board, idiot. You're pretty much opening your ass up to "unsolicited" advice whenever you post on the damn thing.

As for whomever said it was punishment, please. That's how you teach kids to say please and thank you. No one is suggesting you glare at them and deprive them of food for hours. I would give them two tries to say it and if they didn't, I would give them what they were asking for. But it sounds like there are plenty old enough to say it when asked. It's just a reminder

But to the OP, yeah, for the health of your children and to avoid this problem in the future, slow.the.hell.down!! Your children aren't even straight on who their father is but you want to bring in another to confuse them further? And you don't think it would be best to wait and see if your judgement in men has improved before procreating again?

Genius.

Lhalsey315 · October 2009

ToledoDeux:
taagent:

When she refers to him as daddy you need to correct her every. single. time. When she says it to him, he should tell her what to call him (Robert) and not give her what she wants until she calls him by his name. After she calls him Robert, then praise her and give her what she is asking for (if it is reasonable).

This is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard.

That is the way you train a dog not teach a child.

I really do hope you put the TTC on hold for a little while. This whole family needs some time to get use to what life will be like with daddy #3 married to mommy. As for what to have the children call Robert maybe Daddy Robert would work out and Daddy for the bio-dads.

GoldenAngel1723 · October 2009

This is slightly off topic but my ex FI was FORCED to call his step-dad "Dad" and his biological dad "Rob" Even though from what I can tell Rob was in M's life as much as he could (but I could write a whole book on how fvcked up M's mixed family dynamics are [don't get me wrong, I still love these people, I just can't help but shake my head at all the drama in the last 21 yrs])

As for me, my mom and dad didn't get divorced until I was 10 and as much as I have grown to hate my dad over the last decade, I would have flipped out if I had to call anyone else dad.

But your kids are little, they will confuse people. As they get older let you DH3 be DH3 and DH2 be daddy. Correct them, like a PP said with the daycare.

Littlejen22 · October 2009

taagent:
This is a teachable thing and honestly they shouldn't be calling him daddy if they have a father who is active in their lives. It doesn't matter how close they are to him, he is not their father.

When she refers to him as daddy you need to correct her every. single. time. When she says it to him, he should tell her what to call him (Robert) and not give her what she wants until she calls him by his name. After she calls him Robert, then praise her and give her what she is asking for (if it is reasonable).

Your other kids need to help the situation by not calling him dad in front of them because it 1. will only confuse them, and 2. he isn't their father and it just seems strange to me (personal opinion) that they go from man to man calling him dad. Refering to him as their dad when it is easier than explaining their true relationship is one thing but these kids seem to get attached to a male father figure and then when the relationship ends where are they left, calling the next guy dad?

I am sorry if I sound harsh but my DH would ABSOLUTELY have an issue (and has had an issue) if my SD called her mother's boyfriend dad. Would you want your kids calling another woman mom - or would that not affect you (just curious)? BM didn't have an issue with SD calling her bf daddy (DH told BM it needed to stop), until I came into the picture and then surprisingly (not) she outright told ME that SD was NOT to call me mom of any sort. Is the father of your oldest kids in their lives?

This 100%, every single word. If you allow your kids to call another man Dad then you should expect them to call every woman that James dates Mom. Explain to James that this is happening because the kids are not even 2 and are confused and that you are working to correct it but want him to know that you realize that even though Robert will have a big role in their lives he is not their Dad and that you know you would not like anyone called Mom besides you.

And, your kids have been through a lot, I know it is probably too late for these words of advice, but SLOW down, you do not need to get engaged and move in together so quickly. I honestly fear that you are so scared to be alone that you are moving into relationships too quickly and allowing these new men to become too big of a role in your kids lives too quickly.

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