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Attachment Parenting
E_sharp
member
Alfie Kohn is f*cking my sh*t up
E_sharp
member
Granted, I haven't read the whole book yet but I am in the middle of Unconditional Parenting, and I kinda get what he is saying sometimes, but I haven't gotten to the alternatives to traditional discipline, and I don't know how his kids aren't total brats.
I thought I had a pretty good idea of how to engage in balanced discipline, but now I don't know WTF I am gonna do!
I thought I had a pretty good idea of how to engage in balanced discipline, but now I don't know WTF I am gonna do!
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Re: Alfie Kohn is f*cking my sh*t up
I can say that we parent based off of this for the most part, and my 3.5 year old is the most caring, sweetest child in the world. He honestly DOES want to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. I'm not saying he doesn't act like a normal child for his age, but I can just tell you that after raising him this way, it's working.
If you're thinking that his kids would be total brats, you must not be reading the same Unconditional Parenting book I read. It is NOT permissive parenting in the least, it's just using logical, natural consequences to teach your child to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do instead of doing the right thing because they'll get in trouble.
And I forgot to add, your kid is gorgeous!?
Well, like I said, I am only halfway through, but I did just read a part about how instead of saying "no" you should try and say "yes" as often as possible. On the surface, that sounds like permissive parenting. I have some more reading to do, and I like that I am being challenged by it. I just want to do the best by my kid, and I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around these concepts.
.
And, I know that I have a while before I need to discipline, seeing as my kid isn't even 6mo yet. I like to be prepared...
I am not anti-no. But I do follow the basic concepts of unconditional parenting. I read it for the first time when DS was about 6 months, too! It is a bit hard to follow at places, and doesn't give great examples, but it has a great concept. "Kids are worth it" by Barbara Coloroso is a great book to read, too. It tells you how to use this stuff more.
I do say no, but I make sure that they don't hear it all day every day, and I try to make sure they know the reason behind my "no." I'm trying to teach them through discipline, not just make them my little puppets, you know? IMO, everything is an opportunity for a lesson.
I think my "excerpt" is being miscontrued. I didn't take it to mean the same thing as redirection instead of no, I understood it to mean, don't deny your kids what they ask for. Although, it really needs the context. Like, if your kid wants to play, and you don't want to, you should muster it up and play anyway. But he says too that your needs shouldn't be second to your child's. Gah, I am probably doing the book a real disservice with this terrible write-up.
My guess point was, I thought I had it all figured out, and now I have to reexamine and reconfigure my thinking on how I am going to discipline my child. I used to think that I would be a spanker too, but that's gone by the way side now too (although I do think that my SILs kid needs a whalopping sometimes).
And, erinms, thank you kindly! I'd like to think so too, but you never know if you are that mom who thinks that their kid is the cutest, but really makes all the other moms on the playground cringe
I understand what you are saying (I think, lol
).
The book turned my world upside down too, and like you, I only have an almost 7 month old, so I speak knowing that I don't actually know and won't know until I have an older child, but my point is it really made me rethink everything.
Like I never knew there was something wrong with time-outs!
I was a bit apprehensive about the no thing at first too but then other things he champions put it in perspective. I won't do a good job of explaining either, but I teach, and I see a lot of children who, imo, have not been served well by some of the more touchy-feely (for lack of a better term) practices in education lately. But I misunderstood. I started to see that perhaps the problem wasn't that they hadn't been told "no" enough, but that perhaps they had been praised too much for not having done much of anything (being against praise is another of Kohn's big things).
I think you'll find that one of the chapters at the end is a bit more direct in what the alternatives are. Except he won't dwell on WHAT to do too much because I think he's coming from a place of WHY a child is acting the way he or she is in the first place. He does give suggestions as to what to say instead of "good job" though, for example
Seriously!
There is a joke in our AP playgroup...*If you want to really feel like sh*t about your parenting...just read Unconditional Parenting!*
That said, it's something many of us strive for, but rarely achieve. Especially when the kiddos reach toddler/preschool age. I think it's a great philosophy and it really helped to look at situations and decide if I really needed to step in or if it was just my controlling tendencies taking over. Sometimes I realized it wasn't necessary, or a simple talk or request could take care of it, other times I really had to step up and use reward or consequences.
For me, it's all about balance...and it's hard considering I'm a Sped Teacher and much of my education was centered around Behavior Modification full of rewards & consequences.
Like with any kind of parenting book, take what you can and strive for the balance that would make sense for you and your family
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