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Blended Families
I know I will probably sound immature...
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Re: I know I will probably sound immature...
It's amazing to me how much you "know" about what BM does with her time, how often BM calls the school/speech therapist, BMs partying, and how BM expresses her feelings. Are you spying on her or something? I think that you are WAY to involved with her life - you need to concentrate on your own.
"She is playing mom" Hunny - she is the mom. You aren't even a step-parent so you really have no say in anything. I would be so happy if my SD's mom wanted to go trick or treating with us/her! I would be so happy if she showed ANY interest in my SD... And the comment about her going out? I can't wait to hear what you have to say if you get full custody. God forbid you EVER want to go out to dinner with your DH and get a babysitter (because certainly that would be a no no!)
I dont think that you are being immature... I think that you should very inexperienced with blended families and yes, it will take time to "learn the ropes" of it all... This isnt about you. This is about two innocent children, basically babies. Please listen to what these women are saying - they are right.
Oh she is flakier, more neglectful, etc. She had her electricity shut off. She had her car repod (and yet she can afford to go out). She neglects her children's education needs (the 3 year old doesn't speak and she declined transition services (months) of speech therapy). She allows the kids to walk around the parking lot by her home barefood (where there is broken glass).
Well... then SHAME ON YOU and your boyfriend for not stepping in and protecting those children!
This! I'm both BM & SM and Halloween is not treated special in my or my DH's CO. If it is our day we have the kids, if not then skids' BM & DD's BF have them. For example, from 2005-2007 Halloween fell on a weekday. So we had DD since she lives with us and we did not have the skids. Last year (2008) it fell on the weekend DD is at her BF and skids are at their BM's so we did not have ANY kids on Halloween. The same will go with this year...no kids on Halloween. However, we take them the weekend before to do something where they dress up and trick or treat (last year it was a tailgate thing at the local high school) this year we are going to a state park to go camping that does trick or treating the weekend before Halloween. Next year (2010) & in 2011, we will have only DD because it falls on Sunday night, then Monday night and we will have DD then and not the skids. The first year DH & I will have all of the kids ON Halloween since we have been together will be 2012.
It doesn't bother either of us one bit and both skids' BM and my DD's BF have never had an issue because they also take the kids to do something Halloween related on their last weekend with them if Halloween does not fall on their day. So I don't see why it should be a problem for anyone.
In regards to the "playing mom" comment...my response for you on that would be way too long to type.
Of course you are immature and insecure. You got whoopsie knocked up by a mere boyfriend who doesn't even live with you as yet. And now you are trying to run the damn show just because you happen to have been fertile at the right moment.
You keep this up and he will resent you, if he doesn't already.
Click me, click me!
YOU can NOT control the actions of another adult.
If you want to be in a realtaionship with a person that has kids you need to get over the I don't like BM crap and grow the hell up. If you can't do that then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.
With that said, what makes you think you have any right to dictate anything that goes on with his kids and their BM???
You not only sound immature, you sound b!tchy and entitled. You have no plans to become their step-mom, yet you think you should dictate their schedules and you are able to tell us how BM thinks and feels!?
THIS
If you and the father share a home and you don't want her in it, you have every right to not let her in it. Meet her outside the door with the kids ready to go and say your goodbye's in the driveway when it's over.
And what will you guys do for Christmas, Thanksgiving etc.. Is she going to want to come over and spend that with you as well? I do think you should alternate the holiday just as all the others are done. Just cause she's mom & he's dad doesn't mean they're going to be able to be there for every minute of the kids life when apart of a blended family.
And keep in mind that the attitude that you have toward BM will show thru with the kids. They can see right thru all the Bull. I suggest you get to a more positive place concerning BM whether you agree with her parenting or not. It will only benefit the children. You dont have to be her best friend, but she does deserve respect and you will continue to get it in return.
we have both been through divorce and aren't going to jump into marriage again because we are pregnant.
any one else appreciate the irony in this one?
I see a lot of good points, here is my thought. If she is only "pretending to care" but doesn't really, why is she making such an effort to go trick or treating with her kids? It is on a Satuday, and not even her weekend, I'm sure if she is such a partier, she would have an awesome party to go to.
I do hope you learn how to put the children first. I'm sure having everyone there to trick or treat with them would make them very happy!
I started reading all of these posts, but once they started getting snarky at you I stopped. It is very hard for someone to be a SM and just sit back and watch your SC being raised by someone else when you don't believe in their style of raising them. As a part time SM you feel the need to help raise that child, and in reality you really have almost no say in how that child is raised. It's one of the biggest struggles that I have had.
I just want to say that I understand!! We get SS every other weekend. Out of the every other weekend that she has him, she sends them off with a grandparent for the whole weekend.
They drink, smoke and party a lot. They talk about quitting weed but how it's so hard. But because she is the BM she looks highly upon than the BF.
And of those snarky remarks on playing mom. BM totally does that! When other people are watching her, like the school, she's an angel. But SS will come to us without having brushed his teeth since the last time he came to us. I'm sorry, but she is playing mom. She is the mom, but she's playing the roll instead of having her heart into the roll. There's a big difference. And it's difficult to sit back and watch her raise a little boy that I love more than life itself.
It's difficult being a SM. You fall in love with this child and will do anything for them, and you get to sit back and watch them being raised by someone you do not respect as a mother.
Just pointing out that she is not (and does not plan to be) their SM.?
If you choose to marry this man, she will be part of your life. Even if you don't like the idea, you marry the man and his past.
Has your SO moved in yet? If not you guys need to slow down and have a serious chat about boundaries and expectations that you can both live with. It should not be this much of a battle, first the baby room now the holidays.
About Halloween I can identify, I would not be happy setting the precedent that BM can spend the holidays at your house if she chooses to do so. In fact BM would not set foot inside my door uninvited. That is why you need to discuss this BEFORE your SO moves in. Trust me girl you will be much happier in that house alone with your baby that having SO and the kids there and resenting every moment of it.
BUT at this point your really are only the GF and don't have a say in the kids upbringing. I know that they will live with you BUT that is your choice. I am also the fi of a bio dad and really the best thing I have learned to do is go with the flow. Also I have found that if I step back and let FI lead he is way more likely to consider my needs/feelings than if I fight him on it and he becomes defensive.
Good luck and I really feel you are going to need it. You have a lot of bitterness towards BM and I have often heard bitterness being described as 'drinking poison and expecting the other person to die' - It will only hurt you.
She is NOT a stepmom! They have no plans to commit...they could break up next week. Good grief...
Julie - my SD's mom is an alcoholic and I have zero respect for her for many reasons other than just that, so I get it. But she is SD's mom, so I kept my mouth shut. I never said anything bad about her mom to SD and I only griped or expressed my concern to DH. I stayed in the background, kept my mouth shut and was nice as pie to SD's mom when I had to communicate with her. DH pretty much handled everything and I stayed the hell out of the middle.
I suggest that since you are not a SM yet, you are not married and have no plans yet, that you just step back and let your boyfriend handle all issues with the BM and the kids. Including school. He should be the primary parent as far as his kids are concerned and you should take a back seat.
You don't want her around your child? That's fine. But you need to be a little realistic in that you will cross paths with her. It's not like you have to leave your child alone with her.
Your child will be exposed to a lot of bad influences, but it's how you handle it, and teach your child about how to handle these things as they grow older that will influence them the most.
I suggest you not go Trick or Treating if you don't like her. Smile nicely, be polite and pleasant and send them all on their way. When they come back, ask if they all had a good time and be as pleasant as you can be.
You say friends tell you about her? Tell them that unless they have seen her do something to physically harm or scar the children emotionally and mentallhy in any way, you don't want to hear it anymore. And even then...they need to tell your boyfriend. Not you. Don't engage yourself in those discussions. Change the subject.
I echo this. I've been with my FI for almost two years and have yet to meet BM. (Not because we refuse to meet, it just hasn't happened.) I wouldn't invite her to my house, nor expect to be invited to hers. Sure I'll see her someday at a graduation or other big events, but FI has a separate life from her and they do not co-celebrate holidays with their daughter. Whoever's day it is, has her that day. The other celebrates on a different day when they have custody.
I echo this. I've been with my FI for almost two years and have yet to meet BM. (Not because we refuse to meet, it just hasn't happened.) I wouldn't invite her to my house, nor expect to be invited to hers. Sure I'll see her someday at a graduation or other big events, but FI has a separate life from her and they do not co-celebrate holidays with their daughter. Whoever's day it is, has her that day. The other celebrates on a different day when they have custody.