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Blended Families
I know I will probably sound immature...
but I really don't want BM anywhere near my home. SO and I are taking the kids on halloween becasue it is our weekend with them. but of course BM has to play mom and will want to go with us. Idon't want her hanging around my house afterwards. Everytime she has the kids on a weekend, she drops them off at a babysitters at least one night (SO has them everyother weekend). I am sick of her picking and choosing when she wants to hang out with the kids. I already told SO that she is going to have to get used to it because come next year, she is not spending halloween with my baby. (she is completely irresponsible and I want her nowhere near my baby). Can you tell I cant stand BM?
How can I handle this. I suggested doing halloween every other year.
go ahead and tell me I am being immature. but what would you do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I know I will probably sound immature...
SO? Are you married?
You poor pet. Having to deal with a mother who A. wants to go trick or treating with her kids on Halloween and B. also likes to have time to herself on weekend nights, presumably to date and not pine away after their father
Horrible life it must be. And YOUR baby will be your SO's children's brother or sister, and therfore their mother is important in this blended family.
Get used to it.
AND LOL at "play mom" What, um, exactly are YOU doing? And she IS mom....
I know I will have to get used to her going, but I don't want her in my house. She has her kids every other weekend and on those weekends she ships them off to have someone else take care of them. she has every other weekend besides that to go out get drunk. She also leaves her kids with a babysitter at night when she has them on monday and wednesdays. so when the daughter gets up, mom isnt' there. She only has them 50% of the time. She can go out and party the other 50%. Any who.
I just don't want her in my house. It is my house and his house. I may be a part of his life the the childrens life, but she is not going to be a part of mine or my baby's.
and the only reason she plays mom is so no one will look at her badly. I can guarantee she would rather be out drinking with friends on halloween. but she would catch *** from people.
yes, she is polite to me. but that doesn't matter. She would love to be friends with me. Actually invites him and I over for dinner. (not gonna happen). I can't be friends with someone I don't respect.
okay, this is a woman who's own father had a talk with her about her drinking habits. her friends think she parties to much and that she is a bad mom. I am not the only one with this opinion.
It is kinda sad that when you remind the son that he is spending the weekend with mom, his reply is "I get to go to {insert babysitters name}?!!
he is more excited to see the babysitter than mom. Why? because the babysitter shows affection to the kids.
Yes, yes it does matter. You don't have to be BFF's with the woman, but you should be courteous, kind and respectful, if she is treating you that way. If she was a raging C_nt that would be a different story.
You may not approve of her lifestyle, but she is allowed to go out when she has the kids as long as she is providing adequate caretakers for them. Stop being so GD judgemental. She is trying to be part of a family activity with her kids, let her. Is she going to steal from you? Is she going to be disrespectful to you in your home? Is she going to put you or the children at danger by being there? If you can't answer yes to any of these, then you are being a petty immature brat. If you can honestly without doubt answer yes, then you have a valid concern.
Being a BF means making choices and doing things that are not always pleasant for the adults, but puts the kids first. Do you think they woud want her there?
why do my other posts sound selfish? I don't quite understand that. because i want a nursery for my baby? also, dad can't stand mom either. he was full custody.
Full custody or 50/50?
Let me get this straight...she is nice and polite to you and even willing to be friendly. And you are being a biotch about Halloween because you don't agree with her lifestyle choices and don't think she is mother of the year.
I don't agree with lots of what BM does but its none of my concern. What is my concern is providing a good environment for DD and SS in my home. If I was lucky enough that BM was nice and polite to me and willing to be friendly, I would love to have her along trick or treating.
You don't only sound immature, you sound insecure and biotchy.
The kids are 3 and 5, right? You will probably be trick or treating with them fairly early in the evening, so I would invite her over to go out with them from 5-6:30pm and then she has to go home. You should stay home to greet trick or treaters at your home and let your bf and their mother to walk them about your neighborhood or have them go around in her neighborhood and then return to your house. She should just kiss them both goodnight afterwards and then go away. You don't have to invite her in for the evening.
Seriously, you are the new person to this equation. Yes, their mother might be a neglectful, selfish partying skank, but you have no control over her behavior. You just need to smile and deal with her as politely and kindly as you can.
Im not insecure by far. Shouldn't it be a concern of yours if you love those kids and their mother isn't providing a good envirnment for them?
they right now have joint custody. He wants full custody because she doesn't show any interest in them unless it will reflect badly upon her if she doesn't
How is she not providing a good environment? You haven't described anything so far that sounds harmful other than your disagreement with her lifestyle and parenting choices. She is their mom, for better or worse. And you should examine your attitude toward her before it bleeds over into the kids seeing how you feel about their mom.
I'm going to forget the stupid stuff stated and just address your unselfish issue which is not wanting her in your house. I think you have a right to not have her in your home if you do not feel comfortable with it. Just let her know you have plans for later that evening and while she is welcome to trick or treat with you, there is no open door policy for hanging out at your house afterward.
I don't think this is something you need to get all worked up about. Just kindly thank her for coming out to spend time with her kids and shut the door. End of story.
Whose day is it on Halloween? We want to trick or treat with SS this year, but guess what? It is his mom's day..so we'll wait until next year! Are you guys going to have to have joint Christmas' too? And what about Thanksgiving? This just seems weird to me. When you have children & are divorced from their father you give up part of your time w ith your kids. Why does she get to come to your house on Haloween if it is not her day??
Maybe it is your pregnancy hormones, but if she is friendly towards you why can't you be friendly towards her? The only person you're hurting by being a b!tch to her is the child.
if you would have read my later post. She wants to play a mom who cares. I may not be their mom, but I treat them more like my own than she does. Hell, the babysitter shows them more love than BM does.
I agree with the PPs that you come across as selfish and immature. You are not even a permanent fixture in their lives. You may think you are, but you are not married or engaged to their father. You have no say over what BM does in her spare time, and unless she is being abusive or negligible towards the kids, your SO won't get squat in court unless she gives it up.?
Being part of a blended family is something you have to accept and understand that you have little to no control over what goes on. If you want to start a war over going trick or treating, be my guest, but there are bigger fish to fry. What's going to happen if you stick around long enough for the kids to get married?
And I'm still laughing about your comment that she is playing mom. There are crazier BMs out there and here you are on your soapbox about how she is a horrible mom.
You need to get over yourself and get a reality check.?
This is my point exactly. SO has them. This is the same women who threatened my SO with not seeing his kids again because he refused to pick them up on easter and drag them all over gods creation because they were both throwing up. He was going to stop by her place to visit them but thought it in their best interest not to run them around. She didn't care she wanted them out of the house because it was his day.
but i am not being a *** to her. I just avoid her. so next year, she will have the kids on halloween. They have every other holiday worked out this way.
Let me just expand on that a little. I get where you are coming from a little bit. BM likes to party and leave SS with a sitter on her days too. We split custody 60/40 so she has plenty of time and every weekend to party or go out. I don't agree with what she does, and I may voice my opinion to DH about it, and then I let it go. You have to let it go, and be mature about things for the kids. If they pick up on you seething with dislike for their mom, its going to come back and bite you in the butt.
Anything that BM does is out of your control. And if the kids are in any real danger and its truly a bad environment, then your SO needs to step up and fight for custody.
Your role as your SO's girlfriend is really more of a supportive one to your SO. You don't get to dictate to him his custody agreement or what kind of mom she should be. Also, what does HE think about her coming along.
If you are both truly uncomfortable with her coming along, you can politely decline. However, if you are nice and gracious about having her a long, perhaps she will turn around and extend the same courtesy later. And there is nothing that says she has to hang around at your house afterwards.
Yes, SO and I only go out on the days we don't have the children. we know so much about her behavior because her friends talk and so do her kids (and no we don't pry). 5 year olds say the darndest things. and then SO confirms what kid says with mom. It may not be my business, but it is SO business and he has the same thoughts I do on the matter. He is just not on the Nest.
My question is this:
Since when does Trick-or-Treating involve her coming in your house?
You don't like her, thats fine. No one can MAKE you like her. But you are PREGNANT. This baby will be your SO's kids brother or sister. That means every birthday/holiday/etc, they will all be intertwined. You don't want to be best friends with BM, ok. But you DO need to accept her, and recognize that even if she is, at times, flakey... she is their mom, and the KIDS most likely want her around.
Oh, and the whole "playing mom" thing bothers me. I'm not my SS's mom, but neither do I "play mom." To me that suggests a certain level of facade, and disrespect to BOTH roles. You aren't even a step mom... so the only thing you need to "play," is nice.
and the whole playing mom thing? again. that is she pretends she cares. She cares when she has to. She comes first in her life. not her children.
Even if she pretends to care, that DOES NOT concern you. I'm a SM and that statement irritates me. You have NO control over her or her parenting style. Realize how lucky you are that BM isn't more flakey, crazier, or more negligent. ?
Oh she is flakier, more neglectful, etc. She had her electricity shut off. She had her car repod (and yet she can afford to go out). She neglects her children's education needs (the 3 year old doesn't speak and she declined transition services (months) of speech therapy). She allows the kids to walk around the parking lot by her home barefood (where there is broken glass). She doesn't go to work (if she doesn't work she doesn't get paid) because she might be able to go to a cubs game.. all of this affects the kids.
However, if you are going to be in these childrens lives for a long time to come, then you better find a way to be cordial. I have to deal with people every single day that I do not agree with. Whose lifestyles I find appalling, whose ideals/ideas I highly disagree with, and who I would never ever be friends with. However, I am polite and cordial to them. I offer them basic social courtesies and they would never ever know that deep down inside I think they are worthless excuses for human beings.
You need to realize that she is not going anywhere, and by pushing her away, and by being a little snit, you are hurting NO ONE but the children, who you claim to care about.
this isn't applicable to this. We have discussed it and we will get married when we want to. we have both been through divorce and aren't going to jump into marriage again because we are pregnant.
What exactly is a snit?
anasshole
My BM had her van repo-ed while it was in my DH's name, ruining his credit - and *I* paid for it before we even got married. She is still paying us back and that happened over 2 years ago. BM also forgot to take SS in for his physical until after Kindergarten started, which made him miss school. BM let SD miss 26 days (tardy an additional 26 days) of school her FIRST year of kindergarten. BM takes them into horrible Halloween stores, which inspires weeks of nightmares. BM had the kids this past weekend and the kids spent every minute of it with a baby-sitter, not to mention three nights last week.
You don't see me getting my panties in a bunch over a lot of that. I may vent on this board, but I am well aware that I cannot control her nor take custody away from her. I am married to her ex-husband, forever linking me to her and the kids.?
I'm not saying your BM is perfect (heck, she's a Cubs fan), but you need to lighten up on the situation. You are acting like an enraged teenager and not figuring out how to keep the interest of the kids first and foremost in your life. With this "her vs. me" mentality, you are only hurting your pride and your relationship with SO's kids. We're trying to tell you that you need to take a step back and examine your situation and you just keep bringing up info that will justly irk you. Learn the difference between what is being annoying and what is putting SO's kids at risk. Right now, your hatred toward their mother will hurt them more than her actions.?
This further shows that you do not have permanency in their lives. Step back.?
It is applicable. Maybe not to you, but to others it is. As of right now, you are a ship passing in the night who happened to get KTFU, so is sticking around. You have no control over this situation, and if BF wants BM around to see their children get dressed up for Halloween, and you are not comfortable with it, you need to think about this relationship.