what does divorce mean?

J&A2008 · October 2009

I know it's a cozy little word, but there is a lot packed in there that might need some spelling out:

"I want a divorce" means:

I want to take $50,000 from you for legal fees.

I want to take our house from you.

I want you to spend xxx amount in child support and xxx amount in alimony and xxx amount in counseling for our kid.

I want to take our son and treat him like my property.

I want to have your baby, but I get to decide when you see him.

I want to keep fighting for the next 18 years about who does homework and takes him to soccer practice.

I want to hate your next spouse.

I want to tell our son how you were a bastard of a husband.

I blame you for how miserable my life is.

Threats of violence aren't the answer to a laundry/grocery debate, and neither are these threats.

And don't tell me divorce doesn't have to involve these things. If she's going to blow up about him not doing a grocery list or asking questions about laundry, you think she's going to play nice in a divorce? No.

MrsJuneHawk · October 2009

STFU. Violence is NEEeeVVVVEeEEERrrrr the answer. No matter what she said, threatening with violence is NOT JUSTIFIED EVER.

Amrice78 · October 2009

I don't think anyone said she was in the right for threatening divorce (if it indeed was an empty threat) HOWEVER that still doesn't make threatening violence okay.ever.

I am a child of divorce and a child who experienced a great deal of DV - neither is okay, but the violence left unimaginable scars.

violetvirgo · October 2009

it doesn't mean all those things to me. my sister got a divorce and it involved none of those things except splitting their savings and parting ways. not everyone is a douche during divorce.

ETA: sometimes (especially when dv is involved) getting out alive is all you fvcking want!

Brookie-Cookie · October 2009

you are an idiot. This is the worst follow up post ever.

Crazycrustacean · October 2009

I don't know. My parents got divorced & it really was none of those things. They were actually better friends and better able to communicate afterward.

It was the best thing they could've done for themselves & for us.

I don't however think either one of those people would play nice in a divorce. They're both very fiery people with a lot of coal up their butts, but...... That's just my 2 cents.

SweetJenna · October 2009

Yes

Agreed...people take this much too lightly.

My DH and I fight occassionally like other couples and in the almost 3 yrs we have been married we have NEVER used the D word....EVER. We value our marriage and our vows and wouldn't threaten D over petty arguments.

jen_k2 · October 2009

You know what "I want to punch you in the face" means?

It means I want to break the law & physically hurt you.

Stop trying to equate the divorce w/ physical violence.

KelzinBoston · October 2009

Divorce isn't always pretty...but staying married for the wrong reasons can be worse and have a worse impact on children.

cbwm · October 2009

SHE DID NOT BLOW UP ABOUT THE GROCERY LIST AND LAUNDRY.

Go back and read the effing OP.

They had talked about divorce before. He had shown violent tendencies before.

Him threatening to punch her in the head IS NOT OKAY.

There's obviously a history of marital problems between the two of them and her bringing up divorce WAS NOT the first time.

102503Natalie · October 2009

Oh yeah, 'cause that's what divorce means for everyone.

ETA: Indifferent

kbs0929 · October 2009

cbwm:

SHE DID NOT BLOW UP ABOUT THE GROCERY LIST AND LAUNDRY.

Go back and read the effing OP.

They had talked about divorce before. He had shown violent tendencies before.

Him threatening to punch her in the head IS NOT OKAY.

There's obviously a history of marital problems between the two of them and her bringing up divorce WAS NOT the first time.

OMG, this x1,000,000

lisaroo · October 2009

I don't think this is necessarily true. Many divorces are amicable and many divorces come from people who genuinely don't want anything to do with the other and don't intend to make the other miserable; they just want them out of their lives.

This seems like a very one sided summary.

And frankly, if I had the choice of my child splitting holidays or overhearing her father threatening me, well, I'll take Thanksgiving.

violetvirgo · October 2009

cbwm:
SHE DID NOT BLOW UP ABOUT THE GROCERY LIST AND LAUNDRY.

Go back and read the effing OP.

They had talked about divorce before. He had shown violent tendencies before.

Him threatening to punch her in the head IS NOT OKAY.

There's obviously a history of marital problems between the two of them and her bringing up divorce WAS NOT the first time.

Yes she didn't say it for shitz and laughs, honey. maybe instead of saying something she should just hand him papers??? is that it? divorce is serious, but not as serious as violence. the end.

Monkeybuttwhat · October 2009

It means we have to pay his ex wife a huge giant enormous crap ton of money and than multiply that times 100 and we have to pay that too.

It means the ex wife will call your house at 5am to wake your baby up a week PP when she knows your H is out of town just to be a C-bag.

It means she will spend all the money on crap for herself and SAH instead of buy the kids things like oh clothes and get a job.

It means you really never worry about your DH leaving you because: 1.) he can't ever afford it 2.) He is so burned by the legal system he is too scared 3.) He knows that it feels like to miss his kids every second of the day 4) hopefully he loves you .

Oh and it means he will probably have to live with his mom again for a while.

That is what divorce means here. When I was younger and it was my parents divorcing it meant something different to me.

RufflesRambo · October 2009

kbs0929:
cbwm:

SHE DID NOT BLOW UP ABOUT THE GROCERY LIST AND LAUNDRY.

Go back and read the effing OP.

They had talked about divorce before. He had shown violent tendencies before.

Him threatening to punch her in the head IS NOT OKAY.

There's obviously a history of marital problems between the two of them and her bringing up divorce WAS NOT the first time.

OMG, this x1,000,000

EXACTLY. It was clearly not just over the effing grocery list!

Cytina · October 2009

That's BS. IF we get a divorce, it will be because we can't find a way to get along and provide a healthy married family life for our kids. I honestly don't think my DH is an evil person at all and he doesn't have any money for me to take, trust me. I'm the breadwinner - so a divorce hurts me more financially than it would him b/c he'd probably get palimony.

Furthermore, I suggest you re-read my OP. I did NOT blow up at him for not making a grocery list FFS. He started a fight with me because I didn't do it while I was sick with the flu.

mikey&amie · October 2009

Brookie-Cookie:
you are an idiot. This is the worst follow up post ever.

You took the words right out of my mouth. Seriously, f'n idiot.

RufflesRambo · October 2009

Also, I find this post in terrible taste considering all the stuff that's been going on lately with some posters here. Yes, divorce is not something to take lightly. I think we can all agree on that. But to try to make someone feel guilty for considering this extremely difficult decision that just may be in their best interest? That is a low blow.

Temp174496125006552 · October 2009

I know people who have divorced and it was very amicable. So you are wrong here.

I just read the OP and I think your post is ridiculous. It's not like this is the first time they've had issues. She clearly said there is a history of this type of behavior from him here and they've had problems before, been through counseling and FFS, he's punched holes in walls. Do you want her and the kids to be the next thing he uses as a punching bag?

jays_bride · October 2009

You clearly didn't read what she wrote. She didn't blow up at him over a grocery list...he made her out to the bad one b/c it only took 3 minutes to make up.

I totally get the laundry thing, I'm so over answering the same freakin' question 100 times.

Regardless, I don't think the divorce is rooted in laundry ~ there's more to it. He obviously also has violent tendencies ~ that's not ok.

I'm sure there's fault on both sides, marriage and 2 kids in 2 years...a lot to handle in a short amount of time...have some sympathy.

Monkeybuttwhat · October 2009

If she really wants a divorce I don't see what the big deal is though. You don't get your divorce by not talking about it. If she wants it talking about it is a step to getting it.

*blondiem* · October 2009

Violence KILLS. What do you not understand about that?

All harsh words are not equal.

jen_k2 · October 2009

Saying " I want a divorce" means I don't think we can work things out and I no longer want to be in this marriage. (Is there a better way to express these feelings? I guess)

Saying "I want to punch you in the face" means I have no respect for you & want to hurt you.

exhausted_bride · October 2009

jen_k2:

You know what "I want to punch you in the face" means?

It means I want to break the law & physically hurt you.

Stop trying to equate the divorce w/ physical violence.

Exactly.

I am really, really saddened and worried for some of you. I'm at a total loss for words right now.

Ciconrad · October 2009

Yes, sometimes parents act like as*es during a divorce and do a lot of damage to kids. But sometimes divorce also means escaping from someone who is mentally, physically and verbally abusive. Sometimes it means standing up for yourself and telling someone that adultery is not something you tolerate. Sometimes it means taking your children away from daily interaction with someone who has an addiction problem. There are a lot of good reasons to get a divorce.

My FIL had repeated affairs on my MIL - some of which the children knew about. His parents are finally after 30 years getting divorced because his mother finally got around to getting some self respect. My DH wishes everyday that his parents had gotten divorced and the instability of his parents fighting and his father moving out every few years (until his mother took him back, of course) would have ended. He has 2 sisters with so little self-respect because they saw a mother with absolutely no backbone that they are ending up in similar relationships. In that case, divorce may really have been a better option.

102503Natalie · October 2009

RufflesRambo:
Also, I find this post in terrible taste considering all the stuff that's been going on lately with some posters here. Yes, divorce is not something to take lightly. I think we can all agree on that. But to try to make someone feel guilty for considering this extremely difficult decision that just may be in their best interest? That is a low blow.

Agreed!

took79 · October 2009

cbwm:

SHE DID NOT BLOW UP ABOUT THE GROCERY LIST AND LAUNDRY.

Go back and read the effing OP.

They had talked about divorce before. He had shown violent tendencies before.

Him threatening to punch her in the head IS NOT OKAY.

There's obviously a history of marital problems between the two of them and her bringing up divorce WAS NOT the first time.

This... and you're a fuccking idiot.

Monkeybuttwhat · October 2009

I really think everyone needs to calm down and separate the two issues. They are very different.

Violence does kill and is a horrible thing. When I read her post it sounds to me like she is taking steps in the right direction and telling him she wants to leave.

Divorce is awful and expensive. However, there is not one divorced person I know who would tell you they wish they could be back in that relationship.

.DietDrPepper. · October 2009

you are the most bitter "new wife" ever. sorry your DH's ex is a slut (i knwo you've posted that before), but divorce is not even in the same ballpark as threatening physical violence.

you are pathetic.

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

this is the sh!ttiest post i've ever seen. WTF made you God that you can decide on who/why people get divorced. your post is EXACTLY the reason that i stay in a horrible fvcking marriage. I have never disliked anyone on the nest as much as i dislike you right now. I feel like you are attacking the OP (and me) personally because we didn't have a crystal fvcking ball. Screw you.

Temp174496125006552 · October 2009

RufflesRambo:
Also, I find this post in terrible taste considering all the stuff that's been going on lately with some posters here. Yes, divorce is not something to take lightly. I think we can all agree on that. But to try to make someone feel guilty for considering this extremely difficult decision that just may be in their best interest? That is a low blow.

And I also totally agree with this.

jenifairies · October 2009

seans_grl:

I know people who have divorced and it was very amicable. So you are wrong here.

I just read the OP and I think your post is ridiculous. It's not like this is the first time they've had issues. She clearly said there is a history of this type of behavior from him here and they've had problems before, been through counseling and FFS, he's punched holes in walls. Do you want her and the kids to be the next thing he uses as a punching bag?

Ditto. J&A, not every divorce is like yours (or your H's? I can't remember). Divorce can also be a VERY good thing.

LaLaSweets · October 2009

jen_k2:
You know what "I want to punch you in the face" means?

It means I want to break the law & physically hurt you.

Stop trying to equate the divorce w/ physical violence.

haha way to go jen!

fIowerchild · October 2009

Why are you posting this?

FWIW, I'm divorced from my first husband. We got marriage at 23 and things didn't work out.

His family had a lot of money - but I left with nothing except what I had saved when we were together. We sold our house and split the profits. He did not pay me alimony, although I was 'entitled'. I didn't want that. We also got 1 lawyer together, just to draw up the papers. It cost $500.

Divorce doesn't need to be as you described and for many, it can lead to happiness and a much better life.

violetvirgo · October 2009

.DietDrPepper.:
you are the most bitter "new wife" ever. sorry your DH's ex is a slut (i knwo you've posted that before), but divorce is not even in the same ballpark as threatening physical violence.

you are pathetic.

having this (above) info makes me understand this ridiculous post so much more!

yeah, sorry divorce is shitty for you, but it's not always the case. believe it or not some people are better off and actually remain friends.

tmp-354536812503300 · October 2009

I want to take $50,000 from you for legal fees. I get to pay $50,000 in legal fees for something that wasn't my fault

I want to take our house from you. I get to lose my house

I want you to spend xxx amount in child support and xxx amount in alimony and xxx amount in counseling for our kid. Child support is the only thing I'll get and the least of my worries

I want to take our son and treat him like my property. I have to take our son and treat him like property which is more than you ever did.

I want to have your baby, but I get to decide when you see him. I have to decide when you get to see him and figure out logistics and times and miss him when he's visiting you

I want to keep fighting for the next 18 years about who does homework and takes him to soccer practice. I'll have to figure out how to juggle work, homework, and soccer practive and have to do all of this on my own

I want to hate your next spouse. I won't hate your next spouse but at times I will probably hate mine if there is ever another one because of what you did to me

I want to tell our son how you were a bastard of a husband. One day I get to decide if I tell my son what a bastard his Daddy is or try to candy coat it and hide the real truth from him, lucky me.

I blame you for how miserable my life is. Damn straight I blame you for how miserable my life is.

Divorce means:

I protect my son from the influences of drugs and alcohol that his Daddy brings home and hope that he doesn't grow up to be just like him.

I get to remove my son from being right in the middle of a situation where one day his Daddy will wind up dead or in jail because of said drug/alcohol abuse

I get to try to create some stability in my son's life where he doesn't have a Daddy that might be coming home or might not be coming home and if he does come home he might be or might not be high

I get to ensure my son is safe when Daddy's using and out of his mind

I get ensure my son is safe because Daddy's not driving him somewhere after he's been drinking or smoking

I get to ensure my son gets all of the love and attention he needs because Mommy isn't stressed about a horrible husband and father in the picture

I get to ensure that my son and I aren't going to get hurt at the hands of Daddy or some crazy drug dealer he's linked up with

Divorce means I get to move on and so does my son. Divorce means an actual life for us.

Judah'sMommy · October 2009

Congrats, you've won the cvnt of the day award.

DelGrecoBride · October 2009

maybe thats how YOUR divorce is...but there are mature and civil divorces out there. sounds like you are quite bitter. oh and how about thinking before you post...use your head and really think about the OP. like many have said - this is not about a grocery list and laundry.

ibfloridagirl · October 2009

AudreyGolightly:

I want to take $50,000 from you for legal fees. I get to pay $50,000 in legal fees for something that wasn't my fault

I want to take our house from you. I get to lose my house

I want you to spend xxx amount in child support and xxx amount in alimony and xxx amount in counseling for our kid. Child support is the only thing I'll get and the least of my worries

I want to take our son and treat him like my property. I have to take our son and treat him like property which is more than you ever did.

I want to have your baby, but I get to decide when you see him. I have to decide when you get to see him and figure out logistics and times and miss him when he's visiting you

I want to keep fighting for the next 18 years about who does homework and takes him to soccer practice. I'll have to figure out how to juggle work, homework, and soccer practive and have to do all of this on my own

I want to hate your next spouse. I won't hate your next spouse but at times I will probably hate mine if there is ever another one because of what you did to me

I want to tell our son how you were a bastard of a husband. One day I get to decide if I tell my son what a bastard his Daddy is or try to candy coat it and hide the real truth from him, lucky me.

I blame you for how miserable my life is. Damn straight I blame you for how miserable my life is.

Divorce means:

I protect my son from the influences of drugs and alcohol that his Daddy brings home and hope that he doesn't grow up to be just like him.

I get to remove my son from being right in the middle of a situation where one day his Daddy will wind up dead or in jail because of said drug/alcohol abuse

I get to try to create some stability in my son's life where he doesn't have a Daddy that might be coming home or might not be coming home and if he does come home he might be or might not be high

I get to ensure my son is safe when Daddy's using and out of his mind

I get ensure my son is safe because Daddy's not driving him somewhere after he's been drinking or smoking

I get to ensure my son gets all of the love and attention he needs because Mommy isn't stressed about a horrible husband and father in the picture

I get to ensure that my son and I aren't going to get hurt at the hands of Daddy or some crazy drug dealer he's linked up with

Divorce means I get to move on and so does my son. Divorce means an actual life for us.

i you

jenifairies · October 2009

AudreyG, you just made me cry with your post. I'm so glad that your DS has such a great mom and I know you'll do the best for him.

J&A you are a bitter hag and I find it so appalling that you would post this. Way to try to guilt people into staying in sh!tty marriages.

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