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Blended Families
Help! Long-distance parenting & bonding with SD.
Hello! I am a 1st-time poster, and fairly new to the The Bump, but I've read some of the other posts on this board and I am encouraged by other stories that are similar to my own. I am looking for any advice on ways to help the relationship between my SD and myself. SD is almost 11 yo, and I first met her when she was 5yo.
Problem #1: SD lives with BM on the east coast, DH and I live on the west coast. (BM was allowed to move nearly 3,000 miles away bc DH was in the Navy at the time of the divorce and therefore BM's choice to move would create a stable environment for SD, which at the time DH could not provide.)
Problem #2: BM does not allow SD to travel by herself, so on the visits to us BM joins SD as well as often times bringing her husband and their children, therefore making SD "choose" which family she would like to spend time with on the visit. BM is very manipulative, and knows just what to tell DH to get her way. Case in point: SD is required by CO to come visit us for a month each summer, has this ever happened? No. (The CO states that a week in Feb and April, DH should visit SD in her state, and for a month in the summer SD should come to us. However, often times BM wants to come visit us in Feb and/or April bc the weather is nicer than the summer. So basically, the CO has never been followed word for word.)
Problem #3: BM wishes we would just go away, and has often times told DH to give up his rights to SD, so that her current husband can adopt her. BM has allowed SD to use her step-father's last name in school, so that she is no different than her other siblings.
Problem #4: We just moved into a house big enough for SD to have her own room, which was decorated just for her, with a "dog" theme that she requested. Except now SD refuses to stay the night, telling BM that she does not like me. I feel like SD and I have never spent enough time together to form a relationship, and when I heard she does not like me I was really upset me. I've tried many ways to connect with her, maybe it's BM's influence on her, but for whatever reason SD and I have not been able to bond, even slightly.
DH talks with SD on the phone at least 2-3 times each week, but visits are few and far between. We tried video chatting a few times, but SD looked so miserable sitting there, that I could not bear to continue with them. Her last visit was in April, and it was by far the worst visit we've ever had. She flew out with BM and stayed with BM's parents, they spent over 1/2 the week's visit together, and we only saw SD 3 of the 7 days she was here. The pictures tell it all, SD looks annoyed in every pic, with no smile present at all. VERY different from the child that we saw a year ago in 2008, when we took a mini vacation together and SD was away from her BM and full of smiles from ear-to-ear. I do care a lot about SD, but because of the many issues BM has caused, I often find myself resenting SD at times, and I hate that. I wish I knew what has changed over the past year, but I'm afraid I don't really know.
SD will be visiting for a week with her BM in August, and I am looking for any advice on long-distance parenting, and help with ways to form a relationship with SD. I know that this is something that cannot be forced, but I feel like there has to be something I can do to TRY and help this relationship. Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer! I appreciate it.
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Re: Help! Long-distance parenting & bonding with SD.
Thank you for replying and for the suggestion of email. I did observe SD checking her email account on this last visit, so we can definitely try communicating that way as well. In the past, when we tried email with SD, she was still too young and did not check her email often.
DH is extremely passive when it comes to BM, and just recently has become more assertive with her, especially regarding the month long summer visitation. (For this summer, BM explained that she had already enrolled SD into various summer programs, and SD was "so looking forward" to them, that of course DH did not want to be the bad guy and therefore agreed to only a week in the summer instead.) He expressed his concern for next summer, and BM, for now, agrees, but things seem to change right before the start of the visit. I think speaking to a lawyer is a great idea, my only concern is BM telling SD things like "your dad is talking me back to court, and causing us to spend more money and he is forcing you to go stay with him even though you don't want to", etc, etc, etc and in turn SD will become even more upset with us. I know it's the law that DH has visitation rights and that we should not worry about things like that, but I feel like BM has such a strong control over SD, because she is with her 99% of the time, that we are in a lose-lose situation as far as visitation is concerned.
The CO lists that for the summer month long visits, SD should be "made available" to the maternal grandparents "a few" times each week. It does not include BM traveling with SD on the visits. As you can see, the CO is very fague an open to interpretation, which is another issue I have a problem with.
Oh and I think it is GREAT that you use video chat with your LO and her father, even at such a young age. I feel like if my DH and his daughter had communicated more when she was younger, then their bond would be stronger now.
I would consult with a lawyer, since BM is a little on the difficult side, it would be better for you guys to stick to the CO. Your DH needs to grow a set and stand by the CO and not let BM walk all over him. I don't say this to be mean, I had the same issue with my DH in the beginning, he always seemed so scared to rock the boat. But when it comes down to it, neither one of you are ever going to please BM, so stop trying, and worry about SD instead. She is the one that matters here. That comment is more for your DH than you.
It is important to keep a relationship between SD and her grandparents but since she lives so far away the majority of her vacation should be spent with you guys. Maybe DH and the grandparents can work out a schedule where they see SD for a couple of days but he gets to spend more time with her.
As for you and her, hmmm tough one since you don't live near each other and don't get to see each other. Definitely try the email thing and just keep reaching out. Her mom has probably been filling her head with all kinds of nonsense about you and DH, and that is really unfortunate. When you have SD visiting you guys, ask her what things she wants to do and try and make her time with you fun. If she likes to get her hair done, treat her to that, or whatever it is she likes to when she's home, take her to do that. When she isn't with you, keep trying to connect with her and talk with her. She is nearing the teenage years, so it might be a few more years where things are difficult, but they won't always be that way.
How old was your SD when her parents separated? How about when her mom remarried? What kind of relationship does she have with her dad? Does she have any memory of living with him full time?
Do you have reason to believe that biomom is alienating the girl from you and your husband? Has the girl said anything that leads you to believe that the mom doesn't promote visiting her dad?
Living on opposite coasts is going to make it nearly impossible for either you or your husband to have a major presence in SD's life. Is there any way that you both could move to be closer to her?
I wouldn't read any ill intent from the biomom for not allowing an 11-year old girl to travel alone across the country. I wouldn't allow it either. There's just too much that can go wrong. That said, I do see how her turning into her family vacation creates an issue. Can your DH talk with her about it diplomatically? A suggestion might be that if they want to turn it into a family vacation, that's totally fine, but it needs to be scheduled with the specific expectation that the daughter will spend X amount of time with her father. It's going to be hard for her to feel like she's missing something with her other family, but.. well, that's just the way it is. I think your husband should find ways to hype it up and tell her about all the one-on-one time she'll get.. and make a special effort to plan things she'd like to do.
Would your husband consider allowing biomom's new husband to adopt the girl? If he's been acting as her father figure for a long time, and she has established routines and a life, it's really not an outlandish thing for the biomom to want. I'm actually about to start talking to my ex about it, and I'm happy to legally guarantee him whatever visitation he'd like.. I'm just trying to provide for my kid in the event something happens to me. My kid has no memory of living with his biological father. He calls my husband dad. If he were to consider it but still insist on legal visitation, maybe it would help create a little goodwill from the biomom?
Your DH must try to make the biomom abide by the court order. She agreed to that visitation schedule and it's his right as her father. It might even do some good for the daughter to see her dad is fighting to spend time with her... she may interpret his attempts at cooperation as him being less than interested in seeing her. Your husband should be diplomatic and calm, but he should tell biomom that he expects her to follow the court order from this point forward and that any deviation from it will lead to him filing a motion in court.
Your desire to bond with your SD is admirable! Please don't lose heart that it's hard right now.. your families are really far apart and things take time. Email is a great suggestion. Maybe also try to schedule one-on-one time with her.. just a couple hours to go shopping, get a pedicure, go to lunch.. things like that. I bet that when she's a teenager and needs someone, she'll start turning to you.
Eveyone gave great advice.
Just adding. Don't forget that 12 usually equals MISERABLE. They hate the world, are easily influenced by any negativity from parents, are cranky, angry, little aliens. Don't take it personally that she said she does not like you, in all reality she doesn't know you, and I am sure her mother has not hidden her feelings of contempt towards you or her father-that certainly does not make it right, but it is not personal.
I would follow all others advice and I would make sure to contact a lawyer. In the meantime, can you vacation on the east coast, and pick up SD and take hedr with you for a week. Spending time together is the only thing that is going to help build a relationship. Emails, phone calls, letters, packages, all of that is wonderful, but face to face time is the real solutoin here.
Welcome - I can relate to the distance issue. SD lives with BM half-way across the country. DH agreed to an out of state move initally because it was only supposed to be a state away (for us it would've been less than an hour from us). Fast forward a couple of years and they've moved across the country. SD is now 13 but she was flying solo to see us when she was 11. I know there are some scary stories out there, but the airlines we've gone through have been fantastic about taking care of her. We also make sure she's only on direct fights so she doesn't have to worry about changing planes or gates.
As far as the bonding issue, that's a tough one. I'm lucky that SD and I hit it off from the beginning. She's very sweet and accepting. She also respects my authority as step mom. Some of your problem might be the simple fact that there's very little visitation or contact. It would obviously be much easier to establish and nuture a relationship the more contact you can have with SD.
I agree with PP's about contacting a lawyer. Whether or not BM is intentionally influencing SD against you, you and your DH have every right to see SD. BM needs to be held accountable to the CO and needs to know that you and your DH aren't going away no matter how much she wants you too.
Again, welcome to the board and GL with everything!!
SD was only 10 mos when her parents separated, so she has no memory of living with DH. And during that time DH was in the Navy, so his visits with her were not very often at all, and BM moved around a lot, until SD was about 3 or 4. when BM finally settled where they are now and BM remarried soon after that. SD refers to BM's current husband as "dad".
SD's relationship with DH is good. SD has her days where she doesn't talk much to DH, and then days where she gabs to him for an hour straight. He adores her, and gives her ALL of his attention when she comes to visit. (Sometimes to the point where she is completely spoiled.)
This last visit, DH did express his concern over the visits turning into a family vacation for BM, and has since brought it up a few times, each time BM says things will be different this next time, with a set plan for which days we get to see SD. We shall see, the track record for BM sticking to her word is not a very good one.
The adoption idea seemed to only be brought up when DH was a day or two late with his child support. BM would have her current husband call DH and yell at him demanding a late fee payment for the child support and telling DH that he should just sign his rights over. (After this, I wised up and told BM we would start sending the child support payments in one monthly payment instead of two per month, and EARLY, just to make sure they would get to the east coast in plenty of time.) So as far as DH going ahead with the adoption, I really do not know if he would? I didn't know you could do an adoption WITH legal visitation, and I doubt DH knew that you could do that too. I always thought that meant signing all rights over, and no visitation required.
We've talked about moving to be closer to SD, and DH even tried to get a transfer through his work a few years ago, but we are still on a waiting list. And it seems like each time DH tells BM that we would like to move closer to SD, she tells him that they are planning on moving soon too. (They've been PLANNING on moving for 4+ years now!) Now that DH & I have a son together, I think it would very difficult for me to up and move him across the country, DD is so attached to both DH's parents as well as my own.
DH and I have gone to visit SD in her home-state three times, but since having our LO we have not been back as a family due to finances. Instead DH has flown out there on his own to visit with SD. We would like to take our DD with us in 2010, and hopefully spend some much needed quality time with SD. We are definitely not giving up!
Thanks for all the responses & suggestions, I will be trying as many of them as I can! I am so happy I found this message board, thanks again!