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luckyangel
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Would you? Adoption question
luckyangel
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Ok so BM has no contact with the kids by court order, its been that way for almost 2 years and will likely continue after this Order of Protection is up for review. Even prior to that, she stopped showing up for visitation and stopped calling and being available to talk to the kids on the phone.
She is now expecting a baby with some 23 year old pup (she's 33). BM has anxiety and depression problems and self medicates with booze instead of her prescribed medications. While pregnant her hormone levels usually even out pretty well and she is more logical and well...normal.
DH and I have hoped for a long time that she would allow me to adopt the kids. For almost 2 years I have been the only mom they know...yes they remember BM but their memories of her are not good ones for the most part-they were neglected and abused by her, 2 of them were beaten pretty badly.
Things have been quiet for a long time, BM no longer calls in the middle of the night drunk...which required the OOP PLUS 2 violation of OOP charges and harassment charges being slapped on her.
Here is the question. Should we, while BM is in a "normal" state of mind, send a letter or have the lawyer send a letter requesting she give me the right to adopt the kids?
3 things could happen:
1 she could use this as an excuse to try to drag us back to court-probably wouldnt get anywhere with it, but she has mentioned trying to get visitation back in the past...
2 she could use it as an excuse to start harrassing us and being psycho again
3 she could see the benefit to the kids and say ok
I just dont know if its worth it. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to adopt the girls! But does being their adopted mom really mean much? I'm their mom no matter what right? I'm jsut not sure if its worth the risk. Any opinions?
accordingtoabby.com"
"From of suffering emerges the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Would you? Adoption question
Being their legal parent means a lot more than just a formalization of an emotional bond. ?It means everything in terms of your rights to make decisions for them, enrolling them in school and god forbid, visitation if you and DH get divorced. ?
If BM is in the right head space, this might be them time to move on it. ?And if she puts up a fight, it might be good for the girls to see that you and DH are willing to fight for them.?
I don't have experience with this but if it were me, I wouldn't push it. Two years really isn't that long and I get that she's an unfit mother but I think the kids know who their 'mom' is and that's what matters. I wouldn't rock the boat because she's so unstable.
Our BM reacts really strangely to things, she flips out over stuff that I feel is insignificant and is really cool with things I think are major. FI can predict her reaction really well (since they WERE married!). What does DH think she'll do?
I agree with Daring...but I would add, why not suggest the adoption but offer to still have her involved in some way, shape or form? Maybe sending pictures, letters, cards, etc to have her feel that she is still a part of their lives.
I was adopted as an infant and always wondered about my BM and when I became of legal age, I sought out information about her. I would guess the girls will, at some point, want to contact her to know her or ask questions about why she was not involved in their lives and maybe leaving a little crack in the door now will help down the road?
I'm sorry if you've mentioned this before and I just don't remember, but have you mentioned adpotion to BM before? What kind of response have you gotten? Does she pay CS right now (or is she supposed to)? If I were you I would try to think of as many ways to put a "postive spin" on it for BM as I could. But I think it would be wonderful if you were able to adopt them, for you and for them. BM certainly doesn't need to be in their lives anytime soon!
I'm going to do this in an organized fashion so you guys can respond again if you want:
Daring: I have already been listed by the judge as an acting legal guardian so I am able to enroll them in school, make decisions with doctors, etc.
Curly: DH thinks she will just refuse to respond to the request and start posting nasty stuff about us on myspace again...who cares. There is the chance though that WHILE she is in the right state of mind, she could attempt to get her visitation back. Its highly unlikely due to the circumstances surrounding her loss of contact with all of us,but thats a scary risk to me.
Jaden: At this point we are in a COMPLETE no contact situation. She isn't even allowed to send letters or cards to the kids. Long story short she told the cops she was going to kill the kids and herself because she didnt want me and DH raising them (this was 2 months after she lost custody because she was beating them and not feeding them and leaving them-ages 2, 4, and 5-home alone when she was going to the bar late at night). So at this point offering to do that would violate the OOP and open her up to the right to have contact back with us, plus she hasnt seen the kids or pics or anything in almost 2 years so that could open up alot of emotions and push her over the edge again. This woman is so unstable and such a risk that I not only got my fire arms license, i also took 3 self defense classes, bought a gun, and paid for private shooting lessons incase she broke into our house or came after me or the kids.
Curlilocks: We did mention it before a while back...she freaked out and said that I have been plotting to steal her children from day one. Which is not true, honestly I didn't want kids at all, but now that I have them here I love them. She doesn't pay CS-she is on social security because of her panic attacks and depression so she doesn't have official income. She IS supposed to pay 25% of medical, school, extracurricular costs for the kids but has not made a single payment for her 25% portion since the divorce went official in 2006. Can't get blood out of a turnip.
At one point I was going to write her a letter basically letting her know (because I doubt she understands) that she wouldnt be responsible for paying that 25% anymore-which would mean no more contempt of court charges and no more court costs and save her $ in the long run which is always her biggest concern but the lawyer said not to because anything that could be construed as trying to coerse her could be revoked and overturned in the future if she claimed we basically black mailed her by saying we wouldnt ask for $ anymore and would drop asking for the $ she owes us.
Its so complicated!
Ok after reading through your first post and then the responses and then your second post, I'm not sure it's worth the risk. I mean, why do you feel like you legally want to adopt them? You already have some legal standing from the courts, and BM cannot contact the kids and they do know who their 'mom' is, it seems like you could be opening a can of worms. Unless of course she just agrees, but I'm not sure she would. WIth her having a baby she might be feeling all maternal right now and really put up a fight.
My other thought is, how have the courts not completely terminated all her rights to those kids already? That woman is nuts!
Butting in from adoption board...I would recommend consulting your attorney and see what the timeline looks for you being able to adopt without her consent. here in California, if a birth parent (mostly moms) does not sustain contact with a child (whether in foster care or like in your situation where the child is with the other bio parent) and "disappears" for more than 2 years, those children can be adopted without consent as it is considered abandonment.
Check out the legalities, and if the window is close enough, don't mention it and move forward once you are beyond that time. If she is contacting enough to make that not a possibility, then approach her.
PM me if you need more help, I have 2 kids from a former SIL and have had lots of fun the last 10 years with her. I have legal guardianship of my 10 year old niece, and am adopting her 14 mo. old whom I've had since birth.
HTH
My DH has had custody of SD since before I came along. SD has not seen biomom in over two years. I have been the "mom" to SD since before DH and I got married because biomom is not involved in SD's life.
DH has asked me to adopt SD, but I said no. I love SD and she loves me. She calls me "mom", but I will not adopt her because I do not think it is right. Biomom may be a dead beat and crazy but she is SD's mother. I never want to take away the possiblility of biomom and SD having a relationship at some point. If biomom gave up her rights, I would be too afraid SD would never have the posibility of having this relationship ever again. I also don't want this to later blow up in my face, because biomom could spin it later saying DH and I forced her to give up her rights, and that may cause a rift in SD and my relationship.
Being the "mom" in my SD's heart is enough for me.
Dre: In the state of Illinois they almost NEVER permanently terminate rights. our lawyer said this was the best possible outcome and not to hope for the state to terminate.
JPowell: Rights are terminated in 2 year incriments. It will be up for discussion again in just over a year. With her continued refusal to adhere to the OOP I am sure it will be continued for another 2 years...thats IF she shows up to plead her side-she didnt even show last time around. She was ordered parenting classes twice and has not yet done them. She will never get custody or decision making rights back-those rights are terminated permanently however she can get her visitation back possibly-IF she does it will have to be after she completes a 12 step program (never gonna happen) and seeks counselling, as well as adheres to random drug testing AND it would supervised only for a period of time and SHE will have to pay for the supervision center.
KristenW: Thank you so much! I will look into that!!!
And thanks for your POV MrsDTW.
I checked it out-here are Illinois' guidelines for adoption without consent
When Parental Consent is not NeededStatute: 750 ILCS 50/8(a)The parent:Is found to be an unfit person
Is found not to be the biological or adoptive father of the child
Has waived his or her parental rights
Caused the child to be conceived as a result of sexual abuse
So basically we would have to have her deemed an unfit person by the court (which I dont THINK would be too hard) in order to make that work. I will call our lawyer Monday morning.Thanks for the info!
I don't normally post on her but I thought I would lend my opinon.
As adults we often don't give children a lot of credit and sometimes they are to small and immature to give it to them but this is a situation that will shape their lives forever, so it might be best to wait until they are old enough to explain to you and dh there feelings and what they want.
They are lucky to have you though. good luck.
These girls are definitely old enough to understand. The 8 yr old just asked if she will be allowed to speak in court next time (they have never been to court before) because she wants to tell the judge she never wants to see her BM again. Apparently this came out in counselling too.
I will definitely take your suggestion into consideration. The 2 younger girls always tell people that I adopted them-but obviously I havent. Their cousin was adopted and explained that whole process to them and in their heads-I already have adopted them.
Thanks!