hopefully this won't get me flamed...[[long]]

orion09 · May 2009

This past april my cousin got married.

I was made her matron of honor from the start and i wa srealy happy about that because we're very close.

i was paired to walk down the aisle with the best man...

on the thursday before the wedding she told me that i would be walking down the aisle with my EX.... who doesn't not get along with my husband or myself. The Ex acts as if he still wants to be with me so DH doesn't want me anywhere near him.

my cousin made it seem that the change had just been made.

When i pleaded to her and her fiance, they ignored me, and just pushed me to the side. He fiance disrespected me in his mannerisms and was just plain rude. I literally begged them to change it back to the original order, and was ignored.

I felt that since she knew it would upset DH and I and the whole backstory with the Ex it was very disrespectful to pair me with my EX. I told her i woul dnever do that to her. I told her that i had taken vows to forsake all others for my husband, and that included her and her fiance, and that i could not be her matron of honor if it meant being with someone even for a slight second would disrespect my husband.

long story short... they changed it...i was in the wedding...

after the wedding i found out that she had known for months that my partner had been changed and just chose to not tell me knowing it would upset me, and waited untilt he last minute to tell me hoping that i would disrespect DH and go against him for her. She lied to me for months about who my partner would be to put me in a hectic situation to where i would be forced to choose between Dh and her wedding. I really feel betrayed and that her actions were very vindictive. I was even told by her father that he told her months ago that she should tell me and not lie about things because they would blow up in her face....and she still chose not to tell me...

I spoke to her and she acknowledged that she kept the information from me purposefully....but felt she didn't have to tell me anything because it was her day. I felt that its just common courtesy to let me know instead of lying about it. i emphasized tha t i would never put her in a situation like that....She didn't feel the need to apologize and i didn't ask for one for putting me in that situation. But now we arent as close as we used to be....

am i wrong for choosing to not be in the wedding and for being upset that she lied for all those months? I know she was upset to find out that i had gotten out of the wedding at the last minute but i feel like she knew it could come to that which is why she lied and waited until the last minute. I feel like i'm owed an apology and i no longer trust her... i want thngs to get back to how they used to be but the emotional rollercoaster she put me through during that weekend i wouldn't wish on my worse enemy....... ::puts on flame resistant blanket::

ksayles · May 2009

I would have been upset, but if it was just walking for a few minutes I don't see the problem. That is just me though.

Donny-stfu · May 2009

Yeah, I think you could have walked next to the guy for 2 minutes. This is HER wedding, HER day- it's supposed to be all about HER. Not you.

UrbanHippieMama · May 2009

ksayles:
I would have been upset, but if it was just walking for a few minutes I don't see the problem. That is just me though.

This.

lennonlover · May 2009

I would be mad too, especially if she knew. But, I don't understand....she is the bride, didn't she make the order? Her fiance really shouldn't of had much of a say, usually that is the bride's job. So, did she decide or did he somehow take over that?

orion09 · May 2009

yea it was more of the principle... that she knew it would be a huge problem between dh and i and didn't care.... like i said dh and the EX do not get along at all!!! and the EX is always trying to act like he wants to be with me, he's actually quite obsessed with me and walkign down the aisle with him migh tgive him even more ammo to stay stuck on me... ... so even touching him for a few seconds makes me angry let alone DH....

Smellygirl · May 2009

I'm sorry, I'm confused. Did you stick it out to be in the wedding or did you back out?

I don't know why she wouldn't want you walking with the best man if you were matron of honor, but I think you made too big of a deal over who you walked with. It sounds like it was a whole lot of avoidable drama - on both sides. Just my opinion though...

Sad that it's ruined such a close relationship...

rbidi · May 2009

sesa:
Yeah, I think you could have walked next to the guy for 2 minutes. This is HER wedding, HER day- it's supposed to be all about HER. Not you.

This is the attitude that bridzillas use. If she knew it would upset you, why would she even create the situation? Unnecessary drama in my opinion.

orion09 · May 2009

lennonlover:
I would be mad too, especially if she knew. But, I don't understand....she is the bride, didn't she make the order? Her fiance really shouldn't of had much of a say, usually that is the bride's job. So, did she decide or did he somehow take over that?

he [the fiance] decided. in the end she still had nothing to say about it. i know the weddings are supposed to be about the bride but i just feel like weddings are also political... you dont sit so-n so with so n so at the reception because they don't get along... the same goes with pairing of bridesmaids and groomsmen... you have to consider certain things... now what would have happened had the ex tried to upset dh while walking with me... [which he would do] and dh beat his @ss at the wedding? lol... i just feel like lying about it to the point of trying to make it a last minute decision... had she told me months ago abut the change then i would have told her months ago that is was a problem...

txbabs111 · May 2009

Umm, how long was the aisle you had to walk down if you made that big of a deal out of it? In my opinion you overreacted.

orion09 · May 2009

rbidi:
sesa:
Yeah, I think you could have walked next to the guy for 2 minutes. This is HER wedding, HER day- it's supposed to be all about HER. Not you.
This is the attitude that bridzillas use. If she knew it would upset you, why would she even create the situation? Unnecessary drama in my opinion.

this is exactly how i feel.

HisLovf · May 2009

That would piss me off too. If she knew that it would upset you and your H, and still went ahead and did it anyway, it WAS really disrespectful of her. Good for you for sticking to your guns and putting your H and his feelings first. I don't know about an apology though, she did eventually change it.

Lolita0626 · May 2009

Smellygirl:
I'm sorry, I'm confused. Did you stick it out to be in the wedding or did you back out?
I don't know why she wouldn't want you walking with the best man if you were matron of honor, but I think you made too big of a deal over who you walked with. It sounds like it was a whole lot of avoidable drama - on both sides. Just my opinion though...
Sad that it's ruined such a close relationship...

I agree. Although I understand your frustration, I don't think a couple of seconds walking down the isle was worth getting so upset over. I understand that it would have been awkward, but if you were that close to her maybe it was a sacrifice worth making if it'd make her happy on her wedding day?

steph_puck · May 2009

just a lurker usually...but wanted to share my input. i would def refuse to walk with the ex, just out of principle...even though it's her wedding, it was disrespectful of her to go behind your back and do something that she knew you would not be comfortable doing. so i don't think you're wrong for not being in the wedding...or for being upset...

Sugar Honeybiscuits · May 2009

I certainly understand your stance on the whole subject but you said it right...it was in fact...her day. Walking down the isle is not really forsaking your husband, it's putting yourself aside for someone else's chance at the spotlight. You wouldn't be the woman your husband loves and adores with your past.

HDxNxJ · May 2009

I would have just walked down the isle for the brief minute that it takes but I wouldn't have held his arm. Also I would have asked that if we were being announced at the reception that we would not be announced together... I think that would make me uncomfortable also.

cheshirekaatttt · May 2009

I have had issues with my ex, that my DH would have probably been pissed off in that situation also. ?I don't blame you. ?Your husband is your life partner, I don't blame you on choosing him over being in a wedding. ?Your cousin obviously doesn't know how important a relationship is between a husband and wife. ?She will be put in situations and eventually relate and realize what she put you through. ?I would let her have her space, until she realizes how disrespectful she was to ask you to go against your husband. ?You guys are family, and eventually you'll both move on and get over it, and it'll be like it never happened, but for now, she needs to know what she did was wrong.

orion09 · May 2009

it wasn't about the time i had to walk with the ex...

it was about the pairing me with someone who still wants to be with me, and someone whom Dh and i dislike very much! this is someone who wasn't invited to our wedding because it wa decided by other family members that he might try to object! its disrespectful...

i guess i can ask this...

if a family member lied to you for months about who you were walking down with for reason of knowing it would upset you and your husband would you consider it disrespectful? and had no specific reason as to why youwere paired with that person other than... cause its my day...when traditionally you should be walking with someone else...

especially if they wanted you to walk down the aisle or be partnered with someone who has a never ending crush on you and your Dh hates!

would you do it regardless of how your dh felt?

chels0120 · May 2009

At my best friends' wedding I had to walk with my ex. It wasn't the most comfortable experience cause we had a pretty bad break up with lots of baggage at the time. But you suck it up and be there for the bride. Walking down the isle won't kill either of you and your dh should have taken a chill pill about it.

Chunk'sMom · May 2009

I'm SO sick of the whole "I'm the bride, it's MY day so I'll be as cvnty as I want to whomever I want ::stamps foot::".

I'd have been pissed, too, but I probably would have walked next to the guy just to keep the peace. Good for you for standing up for yourself, though. I've got exes that I wouldn't want to be in the same CITY with, much less walk beside, even if it's just for 2 minutes.

EastCoastBride · May 2009

I totally get why you were upset and I think your cousin was fully in the wrong.

But what I feel is the overreaction is all this talk of "disrespect". Even if you had done it, YOU weren't "disresepcting" your DH because it's not something you were CHOOSING to do. You weren't "going against" your DH.

THAT is the overreaction.

Not wanting to do it, being upset w your cousin- I get all that. I don't get WHY she did this knowing your history, but I feel all the talk of 'disrespect' kind of jumbles the issue.

schmoodle · May 2009

I would have been annoyed but would have just walked with the guy. All it requires is walking down an aisle with him for 3 minutes, it's a pain in the ass if it's a guy you have history with, but it's not like anything intimate. My DH is pretty damn jealous and even he would be ok with that.

ExpatFamily06 · May 2009

ksayles:
I would have been upset, but if it was just walking for a few minutes I don't see the problem. That is just me though.

Ditto

orion09 · May 2009

oh maybe this got lost in the message but i WAS in the wedding. Her mom changed it at the last minute and i walked with the groom's brother...

i'm more upset that she lied for so long knowing the history....

Donny-stfu · May 2009

rbidi:
sesa:
Yeah, I think you could have walked next to the guy for 2 minutes. This is HER wedding, HER day- it's supposed to be all about HER. Not you.
This is the attitude that bridzillas use. If she knew it would upset you, why would she even create the situation? Unnecessary drama in my opinion.

Bridezilla? No. I got married in a court house, never had a wedding. Thanks anyways.

Everyone knows that wedding are for the bride. And shame on anyone who tries to start drama on her day.

sweetyface77 · May 2009

rbidi:
sesa:
Yeah, I think you could have walked next to the guy for 2 minutes. This is HER wedding, HER day- it's supposed to be all about HER. Not you.
This is the attitude that bridzillas use. If she knew it would upset you, why would she even create the situation? Unnecessary drama in my opinion.

This is how I feel. We're not taking about a friend who got married, this was a family member. Some women get confused at the fact that when they get married, the whole bridal party is there to do their bidding. The bridal party is there to celebrate the nuptials just like everyone else. Their feelings should be taken into consideration and in this case, I feel that your cousin knew all of the backstory and didn't care enough to tell you about changes she knew for months. It's a shame that your relationship with her has changed over this.

orion09 · May 2009

sesa:
rbidi:
sesa:
Yeah, I think you could have walked next to the guy for 2 minutes. This is HER wedding, HER day- it's supposed to be all about HER. Not you.
This is the attitude that bridzillas use. If she knew it would upset you, why would she even create the situation? Unnecessary drama in my opinion.

Bridezilla? No. I got married in a court house, never had a wedding. Thanks anyways.

Everyone knows that wedding are for the bride. And shame on anyone who tries to start drama on her day.

i feel like she started this drama herself by lying for no reason for months.

Donny-stfu · May 2009

orion09:
i feel like she started this drama herself by lying for no reason for months.

Ok, ok, ok. She should have told you, and you should have sucked it up and walked down the aisle with the ex. You were BOTH wrong.

abrightgirl · May 2009

It is hard to say what I would have done....but I feel like the bride deliberately lied and kept the information from you and that is what the problem is. It sounds like your DH and you could easily be on the same page and figured out a solution or just agreed it would only be a few minutes and all that but it is the bride that acted so strangely. Personally I don't buy the whole "get out of being socially repsonsible and policte for a day because you are getting married today" card. Yes my wedding was my day along with my DH's day but that doesn't mean I get to be do whatever I want......

But it is what it is and it sounds like the wedding already occured. You need to find a away to move on....and to explore a way of fixing the relationship. Maybe foucs less on the guy and that whole deal because that is not the bride's problem (she is not responsible for his weird behavior)...and focus on the real issue (or at least seems to be) about her keeping it from you....make it about that....something along the lines of dear friend...I am so glad I was a part of your wedding.....I am worried that you didn't want to tell me about the guy....and just want to make sure that you know you can always talk to me and let me know what is happening in your life.....

I don't know if that helps?????

Lolita0626 · May 2009

Even though it sucks she lied, I don't think it's worth still being upset about. I think it'd be best to let go of the grudge and move on.

orion09 · May 2009

sesa:
orion09:
i feel like she started this drama herself by lying for no reason for months.

Ok, ok, ok. She should have told you, and you should have sucked it up and walked down the aisle with the ex. You were BOTH wrong.

i respectfully disagree. My husband and I have specifics on how we run our marriage and that's not something we stand for. If anyone lies to us to place us in an awkward situation we take ourselves completely out of the situation especially if it makes one or both of us uncomfortable. That's just us.

Jaylea · May 2009

You've got a flair for the dramatic, huh?

It's walking down the aisle. For about 30 seconds. For someone else's wedding.

What is the big deal?

renebean319 · May 2009

look at it this way:

we're all pregnant and having a baby right? so its a joyous occasion for the family right? so since its a joyous occasion and its not a ME ME ME situation, then everyone in the family should be allowed to do what they want, when they want in the delivery room, right? MIL's should be allowed to take all sorts of ridiculous cooter shots, brothers should be allowed to videotape and plaster it all over facebook right?

WRONG.

Giving birth is YOUR day, between your dh and yourself.

Getting married is YOUR day, between your dh and yourself.

Its Your day and you should be able to have it the way you choose (within reason).

it doesn't make the ops cousin a bridezilla at all. and in all honesty, it shouldn't matter who you're walking down the aisle with, big bird, don king whoever! bc its not Your wedding day.

if you didn't like it, then you have every right to leave the party but don't be oblivious to the fact that things will change after this. relationships might be broken and thats the risk you take when you chose, what you chose to do.

MsBlake · May 2009

Hmm

Confused

Um. It isn't like it was anything intimate. It takes all of what, 30 seconds to walk down an isle with someone? This whole melodrama is ridiculous. The bride does seem like a horrid *** and this whole friendship sounds exhausting, but you totally overreacted as well.

CalledOut · May 2009

I'm with all the ladies who say that it sounds like everyone involved - you, your H, your cousin and her H - were all acting like drama queens.

Seriously - your H was genuinely upset that you'd walk down an aisle w/ an ex? COME ON!!! ::eyeroll:: And for your cousin to "lie" about it for months - jeeze. The whole situation is / was ridiculous and should have never happened. Since it did, you should have just sucked it up and spoken to her about it privately after the wedding.

EastCoastBride · May 2009

My husband and I have specifics on how we run our marriage and that's not something we stand for.

Yes, she is wrong to have lied. We all agree.

However, YOUR marriage and what you and your DH have set up in your marraige is between the TWO OF YOU only. That's really not your cousin's problem.

You say you're really only upset about the lie, but that's not true. Half your post is about you "disrespecting" your DH, etc. And this statement above- this isn't about the lie. It is (again) about your relationship w/ your DH.

She was wrong to lie, and if you had stepped down, quite honestly, you wouldnt' be wrong to have done that. But being angry at the line up and demanding they change it because it doesn't fit the rules of your marriage- THAT is where you are wrong.

Don't mix up the issues here. Yes, she was wrong to lie, but your reaction wasn't ONLY about the lie. It goes deeper than that. At least be honest about that!

jolis_petits_bijoux · May 2009

sesa:

rbidi:
sesa:
Yeah, I think you could have walked next to the guy for 2 minutes. This is HER wedding, HER day- it's supposed to be all about HER. Not you.
This is the attitude that bridzillas use. If she knew it would upset you, why would she even create the situation? Unnecessary drama in my opinion.

Bridezilla? No. I got married in a court house, never had a wedding. Thanks anyways.

Everyone knows that wedding are for the bride. And shame on anyone who tries to start drama on her day.

I disagree. Though I think the big day is ultimately about the bride, what's the big deal to make a simple accommodation to prevent an awkward situation? I do agree that after reading the OP, there seems to be unnecessary drama on both sides.

Still, I think it's bridezilla-y to demand that certain people walk down the aisle together, especially when the bride knows that it's creating an uncomfortable situation. From the bride's perspective, does it really matter who walks whom down the aisle during the recessional? It truly shouldn't! It's usually as simple as organizing the wedding party by height (from shortest to tallest or vice versa), and if it's needed to switch a few people around to avoid uncomfortable situations, so be it.

amyhowell08 · May 2009

OMG! Seriously? She was the bride, it was HER day! If you accepted the role as Matron of Honor, it didn't matter who you walked down the isle with....if she wanted you to walk her dog on a leash down the isle, that's what you would have done. The wedding has happened.....what you are still complaining about? That she knew and didn't tell you? Get over it! It's not like she wanted you to go home with your EX.

jolis_petits_bijoux · May 2009

EastCoastBride:

I totally get why you were upset and I think your cousin was fully in the wrong.

But what I feel is the overreaction is all this talk of "disrespect". Even if you had done it, YOU weren't "disresepcting" your DH because it's not something you were CHOOSING to do. You weren't "going against" your DH.

THAT is the overreaction.

Not wanting to do it, being upset w your cousin- I get all that. I don't get WHY she did this knowing your history, but I feel all the talk of 'disrespect' kind of jumbles the issue.

I agree with this 100%.

There seems to be unnecessary melodrama on both sides. I think that you (OP) are making a big deal out of a recessional... but, then again, I think your cousin made a bigger deal out of not accommodating a simple request. I really don't understand why she was insistent on you walking with your ex during the recessional. What the heck does it matter? Knowing that there are issues between you and the ex and your DH, she should have definitely planned things differently. I think it was bridezilla-y and dramatic on her part.

All in all, a mountain is being made out of a molehill.

Things should have happened like this... that's how it would happen between me and my friends/family, anyway:

Bride: "So, I wanted to tell you that you're going to be walking down the aisle with AsshatEx."

You: "Oh boy. I would really appreciate if you could change that. I know it sounds silly, but things are really not okay with him and me. I am trying to be an adult about this, but we are not on speaking terms because he is acting like a crazy Asshat. I'm afraid it's going to cause drama, or even an altercation between AsshatEx and DH, if I have to walk down the aisle with him or interact with him in any way. Is it possible that you could change it so that I walk with another groomsman?"

Bride: "Yeah, sure, no problem! Thanks for the heads up... I wouldn't want anything to mess up my big day or make you uncomfortable! I'll have you walk with JimBob instead."

placeofsunshine · May 2009

I'm sorry....but if this has already happened, and you were in the wedding...then why does it really matter?

If your just asking if it was crappy of her, then yea, that was pretty nasty to not let you know...but it was last month, and it's over.

Donny-stfu · May 2009

orion09:
i respectfully disagree. My husband and I have specifics on how we run our marriage and that's not something we stand for. If anyone lies to us to place us in an awkward situation we take ourselves completely out of the situation especially if it makes one or both of us uncomfortable. That's just us.

Why ask our opinion? It sounds like you have already made up your mind as to who is in the wrong.

Want a personalized experience?

hopefully this won't get me flamed...[[long]]

Re: hopefully this won't get me flamed...[[long]]

Choose Another Board

Search Boards