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3rd Trimester
So my "bf" threw me a shower, then abandoned me...
3 weeks ago, my best friend threw me an intimate ladies brunch shower. Up until then we were on the phone, email, or facebooking each other pretty much every day. Her and her H are looking for houses right now, so I was always asking for updates, or even sending her phone numbers of houses I had seen listed.
My friend offered to throw us a shower as soon as I told her I was pregnant. At first when she started wanting ideas and input she was completly excited, she sent me all kinds of links to ideas, and even a time line for when things would be done. Then about a little over a week before the shower I felt like I knew absolutely nothing about what was going on, or even if it was still going on! I know the invites had been sent out, but that was it. I didn't want to ask for any details, because I knew that I should just feel grateful that she was hosting. The night before and the day of the shower was complete chaos, she had left everything to the last minute. She was hosting it at my house, because hers is too small. I was frantic cleaning and readying the house. My mom ended up paying for half the food, and preparing it because she arrived half an hour before the shower started. That day I couldn't have felt more like a burden. I felt like I was being pulled in 20 directions, trying to be attentive to my guests, my host, and trying not to overwork myself. Everything turned out nicely though, all my guests had a nice time. At then end of the shower, I thanked her profusely and gave her a really nice hostess gift.
Since then, I've emailed her to ask how the house hunt is going, and nothing. My mom emailed her to thank her, and nothing. Her husband is best friends with my husband and pretty much every weekend we do stuff together, even if it's just a quick dinner. But since the shower, we've literally had 2 conversations with them, both of which WE initiated. I can't help but feel slighted. Since I've been pregnant she's chided me that I'd better not dissapear and prepare to have her at my house all the time once the baby arrives. Now I'm lucky to get a call back! Her birthday is on Wed. and I don't even know if I should bother calling her. She celebrated it this weekend, and didn't even call us.
My hormones are on overdrive, and I'm really saddened by this. I really really hate to call her on it, because in the past when other friends have done the same, she wrote them off completely and never talked to them again. I don't know if I'm just being sensitive and should just wait till she feels like talking again, or if maybe I did something wrong and she's pissed. Sorry this was so long, I just really needed to vent, and I'm sure some of you have been in the same boat.
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Re: So my "bf" threw me a shower, then abandoned me...
I agree with this but still can't see why taking a phone call is so hard, even just once in a while. If she's stressed, I would hope she'd consider you a good friend to vent to, even with all that's going on in your own life!
Definitely call her on her birthday, but maybe after that, leave the communication up to her availability to call you (except obviously when you have your baby -- share that news or she might be hurt and pull away more after that).
I think this is your answer. Sadly, you may be another link in her chain. I've had this happen to me a couple times with friends. I'd seen them abruptly end friendships and believe everything she had told me about their reasoning. Then, as time went on, I found myself in the same situation and the friendship was over.
Hopefully, you can talk to her and work things out. I'm sorry you are going through this...it sucks, I know.
Holy crap, I could have written this myself . . . except my bf offered to host and then ended up never planning a shower, only to now decline the shower invite of my friends who did step up.
My only word of advice. Forget her.
I would not take it too personally. I bet she was just so overwhelmed with planning the shower that once it was over, maybe she just needed a little break. I know if I were her, I would want to go out and get drunk after all that hectic planning in the end (which is why she went out for her bday). She probably did not tell you because it was probably at a bar which is no place for a pregnant lady. Now....I am totally guessing here. I could be wrong, but if you were her friend you should definetly call her on her birthday! I am sure she would be very happy to hear from you. Don't think about it too much or you will go crazy. Just relax and know that you have a gret friend who obviously cares for you to throw you a shower in the first place.
Again this is just my opinion becasue your friend sounds a lot like my best friend.
Hope this helps
Ugh, the most effed up part about this, is that I saw and believed what those friends were doing to her, and I ended my relationship with them too. They weren't the best of friends to begin with, but I knew it was either her or them. If I continued to talk to them, eventually she would have gotten mad at me. My husband thinks she's undercover crazy...but puts up with her because I like her, and he likes her husband. But now he's not even calling my husband, and DH thinks its because of her. I really don't need drama right now! Bleh.
Yep, that sucks!
If this were me: I am a very honest and upfront person. If one of my friends just changed gears like this, I would get ahold of her anyway I can and just ask. "Hey, it could just be me, but I really feel like you have pulled away in the last few weeks. I just want to know if there is anything I may have done or said to offend or hurt your feelings. You are one of my best friends and I just feel like something is off. If it is, let's get it out in the open and make it right. I appreciate everything you have done for me, especially with the shower! If things are just crazy right now for you, no problem, I am here for you just like you have been there for me. I hope we can go have a beverage in honor of your Birthday this week. I am free on X, Y and Z days/nights, so just let me know and we will make it a date! I hope to hear from you soon."
I hope this helps - sometimes you just don't know unless you ask. This happened with a friend of mine and I basically did this. She finally responded and apologized - she has just been overwhelmed with some things and that is why we haven't talked much. Make the effort and if it isn't returned after a couple of tries, just back off and let it be. GOOD LUCK!!!
That is exactly what happened to me...especially with the one friend I had in college. She made us believe her ex boyfriend (a friend of the whole group) was a monster. Everyone stopped talking to him! Then, when she turned on me...everyone stopped talking to me. I felt so bad for how we treated her exboyfriend because I realized that she was just nuts...cause she honestly stopped talking to for absolutely no reason.
I've learned there are crazies out there who have their own issues they deflect on other people and that it is best to stay away from them.
it does sound like she is abandoning you but what if something is going on in her life that she hasn't told you? maybe she had a miscarriage or T-ttc or sotmething. maybe she didn't invite you to her party bc it was a full-nighter or something.
I would concentrate on your pregnancy and upcoming babiness! she might come around soon enough. you've done your part by calling/emailing her.
Maybe she's going through some things and doesn't really want to be bothered? You said she's house hunting...maybe she's really busy with that. Could her birthday celebration have been last minute, or put on by someone else? I'm sure she didn't mean to not include you.
Or if she's like me, sometimes I have days where I want to see/talk to people and some days I just feel like doing nothing and relaxing. Or I get tired of seeing the same people over and over again (even a best friend)...doesn't mean I don't want to be friends with them anymore, I just need my space.