FI vent - very long

brownbetty2006 · March 2009

So, my FI and I have been together a little over a year. The entire time we've been together, he hasn't had a job. I worked for a few months when we first got together, but I lost my job. We were living with his parents then, and did everything for us. We moved out on our own and I immediately found a job that paid well and supported both of us. Every paycheck, I would give him half of what was left over after the bills were paid and food and gas was bought.

Now, I have quit my job and we've moved back in with his parents for now. He swears he is trying to find a job, but has only put in 2 applications. Well, he is working a few days a week for a friend of his dad's, who is paying him $10 an hour to do yard work. He worked today for 8 hours. Now, keep in mind, this $80 that he got today is the only money that we have to our names....

He just left to go to the store with his mom. I told him on his way out the door not to blow all of our money. He snaps at me, "I will spend it if I want to!" and walks out the door. This is NOT the first time this week that he has ended up blowing every penny that we have at the time. Its getting to be ridiculous and I'm sick of it.

I have no idea what to do. His dad has given him til the end of this month to atleast have an interview or his a$$ needs to find a new place to live. He doesn't seem concerned. Everytime I try to talk to him about getting a job, he just get mad and blows up at me. He tells me that I need to leave him alone. He's being completely immature.

I'm sorry, I guess I'm not looking for any advice or anything. I just needed to vent a little.

MrsBeckO · March 2009

If your job was the only means of support you guys had, why did you quit?

I would be really fed up at this point, and to be perfectly honest - IMO, he needs to realize that he is about to be a father and has a job to step up to, or you'll have some major decisions to make.?

Is there a medical reason you can't work right now? ?

thailajo · March 2009

I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially while pregnant.I know you don't want advice, I just can't help myself...

I hate to sound rude- but usually these things don't change...he needs to step it up and prove to you that he's ready to be a dad, which includes providing..... maybe I'm old school, but I believe the man in the relationship needs to be providing....

If I were you I'd start submitting his resume FOR HIM...lol...

wilkins1 · March 2009

MrsBeckO:

If your job was the only means of support you guys had, why did you quit?

I would be really fed up at this point, and to be perfectly honest - IMO, he needs to realize that he is about to be a father and has a job to step up to, or you'll have some major decisions to make.

Is there a medical reason you can't work right now?

my thoughts...

HeyyRed · March 2009

WOW.

Did he get the memo that a baby is on the way? They don't exactly pay for themselves so I would give him a deadline to get a job or say goodbye. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me and I would strongly advise you to rethink being with someone who can't meet you half way and take care of his responsibilities.

You have a baby to think of and yourself to take care of. Sounds like he's looking for another mommy to take care of him. You would be better off financially on your own.?

staycee · March 2009

that boy needs to man up and get a job. good luck to you.

brownbetty2006 · March 2009

I had a few fainting spells at work. I was working in a nursing home as an aid, and my back just couldn't handle all the lifting. I got a dr excuse saying that I could rest when I needed to, and HR told me that if I needed to sit any more than my breaks that it was a restriction and I couldn't work there any longer. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, and we moved in with his parents for a little while.

And the problem is, he already has a son, on which he should be paying child support but he isn't because he isn't working.

britti<3 · March 2009

Not trying to flame but him NOT having a job when you first got together seemed ok why?

I would be gone, no way would I be with someone with no motivation to better himself or family. What is the reason you quit your job? You aren't that far along you could still get another and move out on your own without him. Having a baby isn't cheap he definetly needs to get act together.

thailajo · March 2009

HeyyRed:
WOW.
Did he get the memo that a baby is on the way? They don't exactly pay for themselves so I would give him a deadline to get a job or say goodbye. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me and I would strongly advise you to rethink being with someone who can't meet you half way and take care of his responsibilities.
You have a baby to think of and yourself to take care of. Sounds like he's looking for another mommy to take care of him. You would be better off financially on your own.

precisely

staycee · March 2009

brownbetty2006:

And the problem is, he already has a son, on which he should be paying child support but he isn't because he isn't working.

not to be offensive... but if he already wasn't paying for one child - why'd you get pregnant?

Indifferent

Sequoyah Shoars · March 2009

um, he needs to get a job. and why did you quit yours? who is going to pay for all your hospital bills and the baby's stuff? i'm sorry, but i think you should worry about taking care of yourself and your child, and deal with him later. and i would go with pp, i think history repeats itself... and call me old fashioned, but if my dh didn't work, he wouldn't have a wife either. sorry for being so blunt, but that's my two cents.

HeyyRed · March 2009

brownbetty2006:
I had a few fainting spells at work. I was working in a nursing home as an aid, and my back just couldn't handle all the lifting. I got a dr excuse saying that I could rest when I needed to, and HR told me that if I needed to sit any more than my breaks that it was a restriction and I couldn't work there any longer. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, and we moved in with his parents for a little while.
And the problem is, he already has a son, on which he should be paying child support but he isn't because he isn't working.

You have a child to take care of..... if you marry him, you become responsible for paying support for his other child. Do yourself a favour, move on, this is not a healthy situation to bring another child into.?

thailajo · March 2009

brownbetty2006:
I had a few fainting spells at work. I was working in a nursing home as an aid, and my back just couldn't handle all the lifting. I got a dr excuse saying that I could rest when I needed to, and HR told me that if I needed to sit any more than my breaks that it was a restriction and I couldn't work there any longer. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, and we moved in with his parents for a little while.
And the problem is, he already has a son, on which he should be paying child support but he isn't because he isn't working.

This is a HUGE red flag!....please be careful, and really think about what you are getting not only yourself into, but your child. If he doesn't take responsibility for 1 child, he's probably not too interested in being responsible for another...

volleydiva · March 2009

Personally, I would have left a long time ago. Me and my DH live with my mom, but we pay rent and he has two jobs since I lost my job. We also save a lot of money for the baby and to get out of here. Right after I lost my job we went thru some rough times, but he came around and stepped up after we found out we were pregnant. I work Basketball tournaments to make sure most of my bills gets paid w/o using the money he makes so we can stash more and put more towards this baby. Good luck, but honestly he's not going to change! My sister has been going thru the same BS w/her DH for 18 years and he hasn't changed, he will get a job for a few months then not work for about 3-4 years. I do hope things get better for you!

staycee · March 2009

thailajo:
brownbetty2006:

I had a few fainting spells at work. I was working in a nursing home as an aid, and my back just couldn't handle all the lifting. I got a dr excuse saying that I could rest when I needed to, and HR told me that if I needed to sit any more than my breaks that it was a restriction and I couldn't work there any longer. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, and we moved in with his parents for a little while.

And the problem is, he already has a son, on which he should be paying child support but he isn't because he isn't working.

This is a HUGE red flag!....please be careful, and really think about what you are getting not only yourself into, but your child. If he doesn't take responsibility for 1 child, he's probably not too interested in being responsible for another...

doesn't sound like he's all that interested in being responsible for anything.

brownbetty2006 · March 2009

I've told him before, if he doesn't get a job so we have our own apartment by the time I have my shower, I am moving in with my Dad until the baby is born and I can go back to work.

Thank you ladies for letting me vent. I'm just waiting for him to come home with a ton of sh!t we don't need, all for himself. He came home from the yard work today with a big bag of McD's for himself. I asked him why he didn't think about me, and all he would say is, "I didn't know what you wanted and I didn't have the cell phone to call."

MrGandMe · March 2009

staycee:
brownbetty2006:

And the problem is, he already has a son, on which he should be paying child support but he isn't because he isn't working.

not to be offensive... but if he already wasn't paying for one child - why'd you get pregnant?

I hate to say it too but I was thinking the SAME thing. He does realize that his $80 he made today will barely get your baby a month's worth of diapers right? This is an urgent situation....and I am in complete shock that 1- he doesn't see that it is...and 2- that you put up with it. I'm sorry you are going through this!

staycee · March 2009

brownbetty2006:

He came home from the yard work today with a big bag of McD's for himself. I asked him why he didn't think about me, and all he would say is, "I didn't know what you wanted and I didn't have the cell phone to call."

and yet another red flag

Sequoyah Shoars · March 2009

ok, seriously, if he is not paying child support for his first child, it is going to be no different with yours. get out of that situation and make a better life for yourself. NOW.

mooninlv · March 2009

hmmmm...not really sure on this...all i can say, honestly, is i don't know how you're living. do you have health insurance? sounds like both of you need to try and find something so you can support yourselves, and your baby on the way. gl

nalah · March 2009

You two are in this together. Why not try sitting down together, listing family and financial goals, and coming up with a reasonable plan or two on what you can both do to help reach those goals. If you do it together, you both might feel more committed to help reach the goals.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G · March 2009

Why did you quit your job? Why did you not only get knocked up but also get engaged to a loser who didn't have a job and lives with his parents in the first place? Why aren't you: a)kicking his ass or b) dumping him He sounds like a real loser and if he can't handle normal adult responsibility now you are in for some tough times when you have a baby. Honestly though it sounds like you both need to grow up -again why would you quit your job if it was your only source of income? Tis the time for you both to makes some changes.

brownbetty2006 · March 2009

Sad part is, his parents have told me that if he doesn't get a job, they will kick him out and take care of me and the baby.

And, FYI, I have been on medicaid from the start of this pregnancy because I didn't qualify for insurance through work and now I'm not working.

I know all this stress isn't good for me or the baby. I guess I need to stop threatening and just DO something.

kcbrandle · March 2009

Yikes. This sounds stressful. I think you need to start worrying about your baby and yourself, like other PPs said. Do you and FI have a long term plan in place to get your own place, savings, etc? It might be time to sit down and make some serious choices... GL.

HeyyRed · March 2009

Oh and someone should take him aside and INSIST on a condom.

Mama Jan · March 2009

This is not going to change once baby arrives, once you get married, etc. Something to think about.

Sequoyah Shoars · March 2009

HeyyRed:
Oh and someone should take him aside and INSIST on a condom.

Red for the win.

brownbetty2006 · March 2009

kcbrandle:
Yikes. This sounds stressful. I think you need to start worrying about your baby and yourself, like other PPs said. Do you and FI have a long term plan in place to get your own place, savings, etc? It might be time to sit down and make some serious choices... GL.

We do have goals of getting a house. He wants to go back to college so he can earn more money. He doesn't understand that he needs to have money to pay for college and get his sh!t in order before we can ever reach the goal of getting a house.

Also, another reason he doesn't pay child support is that his ex-wife doesn't even take care of his son, her mom does. But the court doesn't know that yet. We are working on getting custody of him. He loves his son to death and he really is a good father.

mfransdell · March 2009

Here is the thing.....he doesnt WANT to work. Why should he? You can work, his parents provide a place for him to live, No one is making him pay child support on his son. They guy has a free pass to do what he wants. If he WANTED to fix the situation and provide for not only himself but his son, his fiance and his new baby on the way he would do anythign and everything he could like a good man would.

I know the economy is bad but come on! DH and I both work and if he got laid off I know he would be out there delivering pizzas, mowing lawns, or anything he could possibly do to take care of us. It's ok to be selfish in this situation...move out and make him prove himself.

LillyBug923 · March 2009

My advice would be to take that $80, buy a good pair of tennis shoes, and RUN! I am very old fashioned and believe that a man shouldn't take on a wife (and child) if he cannot support them. It sounds like he needs to step it up, stop being lazy and inconsiderate and take care of his family. I am sorry you are going through this, you really do deserve a lot better than he is giving you. Some men just are not meant to be Dads.

Sequoyah Shoars · March 2009

brownbetty2006:

kcbrandle:
Yikes. This sounds stressful. I think you need to start worrying about your baby and yourself, like other PPs said. Do you and FI have a long term plan in place to get your own place, savings, etc? It might be time to sit down and make some serious choices... GL.

We do have goals of getting a house. He wants to go back to college so he can earn more money. He doesn't understand that he needs to have money to pay for college and get his sh!t in order before we can ever reach the goal of getting a house.

Also, another reason he doesn't pay child support is that his ex-wife doesn't even take care of his son, her mom does. But the court doesn't know that yet. We are working on getting custody of him. He loves his son to death and he really is a good father.

WAIT.

you are ok with him not paying child support? he should be paying it to whoever is taking care of the child! and you should not seek custody, you have no way to care for YOUR baby, much less another!!!!!!!

omg.

kcbrandle · March 2009

brownbetty2006:

kcbrandle:
Yikes. This sounds stressful. I think you need to start worrying about your baby and yourself, like other PPs said. Do you and FI have a long term plan in place to get your own place, savings, etc? It might be time to sit down and make some serious choices... GL.

We do have goals of getting a house. He wants to go back to college so he can earn more money. He doesn't understand that he needs to have money to pay for college and get his sh!t in order before we can ever reach the goal of getting a house.

Also, another reason he doesn't pay child support is that his ex-wife doesn't even take care of his son, her mom does. But the court doesn't know that yet. We are working on getting custody of him. He loves his son to death and he really is a good father.

Sounds like goals are in place. Good luck reaching them.

nalah · March 2009

What are you doing to improve your situation? I agree that he should be doing his part, but ultimately you are the one responsible for your life. There are a lot of other jobs out there that you are capable of doing while you're pregnant.

HeyyRed · March 2009

brownbetty2006:
kcbrandle:
Yikes.? This sounds stressful.? I think you need to start worrying about your baby and yourself, like other PPs said.? Do you and FI have a long term plan in place to get your own place, savings, etc?? It might be time to sit down and make some serious choices... GL.
We do have goals of getting a house. He wants to go back to college so he can earn more money. He doesn't understand that he needs to have money to pay for college and get his sh!t in order before we can ever reach the goal of getting a house.
Also, another reason he doesn't pay child support is that his ex-wife doesn't even take care of his son, her mom does. But the court doesn't know that yet. We are working on getting custody of him. He loves his son to death and he really is a good father.

Seriously, the guy is all talk and no action. Classic emotional abuse to play into the fantasy of marriage, the white picket fence and house to match. You seem like a nice person, please this is a huge wake up call. You have strangers reading this and speaking from combined years of wisdom. He's full of Shiit. If you want to go to school, bust your ass and go to school. Work three jobs and go to school. You've got responsibilities and you have $80 to your name and you think it's yours to spend...... He sounds like a selfish, babied, boy who really needs to grow up, practice safe sex and take responsibility for his actions.

Two kids - you don't get to be choosy about where and what you do for work. You need to support your family.

I would be packing my bags and moving out. When he gets a job, he can forward his support payments to your new address.

Tough Love. Women sticking together.?

staycee · March 2009

brownbetty2006:

Also, another reason he doesn't pay child support is that his ex-wife doesn't even take care of his son, her mom does. But the court doesn't know that yet. We are working on getting custody of him. He loves his son to death and he really is a good father.

how's he going to pay for this kid if it comes to live with you - in his parents house?

Also, the support covers the expenses of the CHILD - it's not for the ex or her mother. Irrelavant who's watching the child.

heidismith · March 2009

jellibelli:
ok, seriously, if he is not paying child support for his first child, it is going to be no different with yours. get out of that situation and make a better life for yourself. NOW.

This!

jhelly77 · March 2009

HeyyRed:

WOW.

Did he get the memo that a baby is on the way? They don't exactly pay for themselves so I would give him a deadline to get a job or say goodbye. Doesn't sound like a partnership to me and I would strongly advise you to rethink being with someone who can't meet you half way and take care of his responsibilities.

You have a baby to think of and yourself to take care of. Sounds like he's looking for another mommy to take care of him. You would be better off financially on your own.

This. Please get this sorted out for the sake of your child. Sounds like you may be nearing ultimatum time. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

HeyyRed · March 2009

staycee:
brownbetty2006:

?
Also, another reason he doesn't pay child support is that his ex-wife doesn't even take care of his son, her mom does. But the court doesn't know that yet. We are working on getting custody of him. He loves his son to death and he really is a good father.
how's he going to pay for this kid if it comes to live with you - in his parents house?
Also, the support covers the expenses of the CHILD?- it's not for the ex or her mother.? Irrelavant who's watching the child.

Clearly he's still a child himself. ?

wilkins1 · March 2009

Red is my hero. you've said everything I've been thinking but better!

I shall keep reading now.

LillyBug923 · March 2009

Red is the Nancy Grace of this post. I agree w/her 100%!

mfransdell · March 2009

brownbetty2006:
kcbrandle:
Yikes. This sounds stressful. I think you need to start worrying about your baby and yourself, like other PPs said. Do you and FI have a long term plan in place to get your own place, savings, etc? It might be time to sit down and make some serious choices... GL.
We do have goals of getting a house. He wants to go back to college so he can earn more money. He doesn't understand that he needs to have money to pay for college and get his sh!t in order before we can ever reach the goal of getting a house.
Also, another reason he doesn't pay child support is that his ex-wife doesn't even take care of his son, her mom does. But the court doesn't know that yet. We are working on getting custody of him. He loves his son to death and he really is a good father.

OK, This is starting to make my brain hurt.

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