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December 2010 Moms
In Law Vent ...Why do I get put in the middle?!
SO...picked up DS from my MIL's house yesterday ...(her husband is dying, she's his sole caregiver) ...when I picked up DS she grabbed his things and walked us straight to the car ...never had that happen, hell, she didn't even say a single word to me. DS was quite upset, said he wasn't ready to go. I said, "well buddy, I'm not in a rush but I guess Grandma wants us to just go." My SIL is also in town, she said to me, "I don't think its a good idea if DS stays the weekend anymore" ...I looked at her and said, "Ok, well that's fine, the only reason he stayed the weekend was MIL said he was a big helper" My emotional pregnant side came out while driving home...DH sent me an instant msg asking me where I was, I responded with "heading home" ...he was pretty surprised, asked what happened ...told him I'm not sure, but it obviously wasn't good when we were practically escorted off the property. ...I was mostly upset that DS suffered this weekend ...if it was so hard for MIL to have DS there, then she should have just picked up the damn phone and asked us to come get him. No feelings would have been hurt, but MIL is damn stubborn (just like DH). DH called MIL last night, they started yelling and what not ...when they don't agree they usually just start screaming and cursing and being straight out mean to each other.
So talking to SIL today she tried to pin the hard weekend somewhat on us ...using the example of a brand new baby, in respects to having to help care for her father. I wanted to bark back with, "Look, I had DS, he is not a burden for us, if it was such a hard weekend someone should have called us and we still could have gotten everything done with DS around." ....I hate it when people try to imply that parents think their kids are a burden ...DH and I are very good at getting things done with DS around and it just sends me into defensive mommy mode when people say s*** like that. I do sympathize with MIL and SIL, caring for my FIL cannot be easy, he's bedridden as of this weekend ...but DH and I are the closest in distance, and to rub us the wrong way doesn't bode very well ...especially when DH can hold a grudge longer than anyone I've ever met.
FIL is going to probably be gone by the end of the year ..no one really knows, he's still eating very well and swallowing ...just not there mentally...been gone for a long time now, and now the physical disabilities are starting to become more prevalent. I hope DH and his mom and sister do start talking again before its too late and we don't see them until the funeral ...but why does the already emotionally unstable pregnant lady have to be in the middle? FIL was the only one that kept the family balanced ...without him, all hell will break loose....already feel like it has a little bit.
Sorry if none of this makes any sense ...but this crap kept me up some last night, and with the crazy dreams and LO going nuts starting at 1am I'm just tired.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: In Law Vent ...Why do I get put in the middle?!
Warning: Tough Love Enclosed I am sorry for your situation. Yes, MIL should have called you. She didn't though.. and waited until things got out of hand. On the other hand, with FIL dying - you shouldn't ask her to do anything. Ppl in this kind of situation need a lot of support, and are usually not in their right mind to say "no" to requests for their time. Your MIL is caring for her husband who is DYING - this is really tough on caregivers. Maybe you should offer to care for FIL for at least an evening or a day so MIL can get out? If you can't imagine yourself doing that with DS running around, imagine how MIL must feel. Tough on both sides.
One more thing, I REALLY hope that you were not reading and responding to text messages while DRIVING yourself and your DS around! That is is super dangerous, for all of you, and for the people on the road. I see it everyday. People are not paying attention on the roads and that is not good for any of us. DH used to do that, but now we are a NO PHONE ZONE household. https://www.oprah.com/packages/no-phone-zone.html Please watch the stories here, it may change your mind.
Nope, we asked if she could keep him. DH's real father passed in Feb so we were going over to his house to get some things done over there, and make a list of all the things that need to be done to the house before we could sell it. Granted, could have been done with DS there, which is why I called Thurs. to double check that everything was still ok, that MIL was still good to keep DS - not knowing how quickly FIL declines every few days I thought this would be a safe bet, that she would speak up if things had changed...but she didn't - so we stuck with the comment "DS is such a big helper" I didn't find out till today that Thurs. was a mess and they had to reschedule so much to get DS ...but no one said a word to DH or I about any of this. Its like they keep us in the dark until after the fact so we can feel bad about it. DH of course doesn't, he just has the theory, well, they should have said something so we could have made other arrangements for DS to make the weekend easier for MIL and SIL. Maybe if I wasn't pregnant I would feel the same way ...I'm not quite sure.
2012 Reading Challenge
Problem with MIL is that she doesn't say anything until well after the fact...we knew that this weekend was probably going to be the last one that she could keep DS. She used to ask to keep him all the time - it was her distraction from her husband dying ...you gals are right, we should have used that as a sign, that she hadn't asked to keep DS in a while. Unfortunately DS seemed to suffer quite a bit over this weekend ...he got yelled at a lot and overall didn't enjoy his time over there ...that's the worst feeling to have as a mom.
She does have a caregiver come in twice a week to help so she can get out of the house - we have offered to pay for them to come more often ...heck, that's how it was set up to begin with ...but once FIL got the prognosis of 3-4 months, she was given help through the state...so she's using that up first.
And nope, if my car isn't stopped the msgs (even voicemails) get to wait...I really screen my calls while driving too. If its not DH or parents, it gets to wait also. Too many people get hurt from messing with their phones while. And DS can be a distraction enough sometimes.
2012 Reading Challenge
Sounds like that situation just turned into a big mess - no one's fault really - but now you have a chance to try to offer a little comfort to MIL. Maybe DH could offer to take care of SFIL for a few hours - while you take MIL out to lunch or for a little spa time? Getting a pedi is super relaxing sometimes! She will really appreciate the break - and knowing that you understand.
Glad to hear it - about the driving
REALLY is a big mess ...MIL and DH are both so hard headed and stubborn ...she talks to SIL and I about this stuff more than anyone else ...and I usually have to pry things out of MIL ...but I feel like its just the right thing to do, to let her know I'm here for her ...I just wish she would take advantage - especially with the LO arriving sooner than later...if FIL lives longer than expected I'm not going to be as available as I am now.
2012 Reading Challenge
That's tough. It's got to be hard for everyone with your FIL not doing well. It isn't fair, I know, but my advice to you is to let this one blow over. It sounds like your DH let her know how you guys feel, so there isn't much more you can do. Lesson learned the hard way I suppose. Yes, she should've called for you guys to pick up your DS and should've at least acknowledged that it had been a rough weekend and they were exhausted instead of being cold...but it happened.
I would focus your efforts on your DS and make sure he's ok. Talk to him about what went on and explain that everyone is really emotional...or whatever is appropriate to talk to him for his age. I think it's important that he knows that it wasn't them really being mad at him, but more the situation.
I'm glad that you have a forum like this to vent to. It's so nice to have someplace like this to get things off your chest. It sounds like a really rough time for your family and my T&P to you that your family finds some peace and joy.