Shower drama

polinaant

Lurker here and I've always enjoyed reading others shower dramas. Didnt think I'd be wringin my own vent but here we go. Excuse my mobile typing skills
Back story: fil has terminal cancer and was given a month to live. Exactly when I'm due. Dh is obviously having a hard time but wer there for eachother and he has still been supportive and great. I try to be there for him and not bring my own drama to him at this time. I guess that's why I come here to vent.
My shower is this Sunday and at first his fam RSVPed an SIL was helping cohost w my BFF. After finding out the doctors diagnosis last week I said to SIL I totally understand if ur side of family won't make it on Sunday thinking they'd wan to spend as much time as possible w their dad.
Long story short. His side of family isn't coming but it has nothing to do w the dad. SIL has a concert to go to and because she feels guilty not seeing the dad all day she decided to cut one thing out of her day my shower. Concert apparently is more important. And the rest aren't coming because they booked a cottage after RSVP ing that they were coming. Mil is staying home to look after fil which I get even tho dh and bil can stay w him but I get if she's not upto celebrating.
I hate to sound like a b. but wtf??
I have been there for ever single family event for them. I was understanding a supportive of what they're going thru w their dad and never demanded any kind of attention to my pregnancy but I just feel that ppl didnt make the slightest effort to be there for me for what I thought would be a nice time to spend w family and concentrate on the fact that new life is coming and a piece of their father will live on. I don't get it. Am I crazy? Here I am thinking ppl won't come because they would want to spend time w him but that's not the case at all. They just made other plans last minute after RSVP ing. My BFF isnt thrilled either for being left to do everything on her own now that my SIL isn't involved.
All I got was a cheery txt late last nite how. We're sorry we can't make it we're going to the cottage. Hugs!
Umm ok. Thnx for telling me now.
It may be selfish but I'm emotional and feel like I need to vent. It's been hard enough dealing w fil diagnosis and watching dh be sad and depressed. I was just looking forward to something joyous and feel snubbed by the family.
Thank u for listening.
Vent over.
Touchscreen and autocorrect are not my friends

Texasmomma13

The only person I would be ticked at would be the SIL. She wasn't just a guest. She was supposed to cohost, that's completely different. It was very tacky of her to leave your friend high and dry for whatever reason. The rest of the family, I could kind of understand. Maybe MIL just wants to spend every last moment with her husband. I know if my husband were ill, God forbid, I would have a hard time leaving his side.

Just try your best to enjoy the shower. Make sure you show your appreciation to your friend for taking care of everything. Your SIL has shown her colors. Now, you know what you are really dealing with in regards to her.  Good luck!

EastCoastBride

I'm sorry.  That does suck. 

I do have to play devil's advocate, though .... your SIL is actually doing exactly what you said she could do - not come to the shower in order to see her dad.  I have no idea the circumstances around the concert, but it appears she scheduled that around your shower.  And now this, with her dad, has come up.  And YOU told her "you can miss the shower to be with him".  

I'm not sure where the expectation comes into play that she should actually cancel the concert plans - especially not knowing who she's going w/, what she spent to go, etc.  

Past that, though, and for the fact the rest of the family said "yes, we're coming" and now have scheduled a trip... I'd be disappointed to.

All I can suggest moving forward is to adjust your expectations.  They aren't going ot necessarily "reciprocate".  So - when it comes to attending their events, go if you really want to go.  But don't go thinking "let's build up relationships and they'll come to my stuff too!".  They've made it clear that they won't do this. 

ETA: I DO think, though, that your SIL should still do whatever she can to help your BFF - even if she isn't at the actual shower. 

mplesset23

Honestly, I'd be pretty upset with SIL and the rest of the family.  It's one thing to cancel so they can be with your FIL, but to go to a concert and leave town AFTER RSVPing is just rude.  SIL is totally in the wrong, IMO since she was originally planning it until a little while ago.  The concert should never have been

I don't think there's really anything you can do about it, you don't want to look like the callous B%%%, but I'm sure it hurts and I'd be upset if that happened to me.

 At least you have us to vent to.

polinaant

I agree w everyone's response. I'm just bummed. I'm horrible at telling ppl when something bothers me as I hate conflict and don't want to start any fights. My preggo hormones r making me more outspoken and I did tell her "that she can do what she feels is right but I'm won't lie and say I'm not disappointed that she chose to go to a music festival thing over my shower" being that this will be ur first niece. I told her to spend time w dad thinking she cancelled everything and will stay w him but knowing that she only cancelled on me rubs me the wrong way. And the last minute cottage plans r kinda whack. Of course to them I said no problem and thank u. Good to know where we all stand.

FemShep

I am sorry your feelings are hurt, and it's certainly an understandable reaction on your part. 

However, as someone who has lost a parent, I'd like to offer another perspective. Perhaps your FIL has always been the rock, the person SIL loved and trusted and counted on. Certainly, on your MIL's part, she likely planned to spend the rest of her life with him. Getting a sudden, terrible prognosis (a month to live) is a horrible blow. It's completely understandable that your MIL would not want to leave FIL under any circumstances.

People react to grief and terrible news in different ways. Maybe it's easier for your SIL to adjust if she goes to a music festival with friends. Maybe your other ILs are going to a cottage because they need private time to grieve and be strong for your FIL. It's very sad that all of this is happening at such an inconvenient time for you, but please, try to be compassionate and give your ILs the benefit of the doubt. In the grand scheme of life, a baby shower is just not that important, and someone's attendance, especially when they discover that their father or husband has a month to live, is not at all a reflection of their feelings about you or your upcoming LO. Let it go.  

polinaant

I know. Ur right. I do feel guilty for caring abt stupid petty things during this time. I'm letting it go and plan to enjoy time w my family and friends.