I feel like I'm the only one who is not getting closer to DH

BeeBee08

Lately I have felt like this IF stuff has actually been coming between DH and I.  I feel resentful and frustrated.  I feel like I'm the one who does all the research, investigating, testing, etc, and he does absolutely nothing.  I feel like his family blames me for this, as his sister has already offered to carry for us and everyone in his family is pushing for that.  Everyone has already given up on me.  I feel guilty because I'm not interested in sex, and I feel angry at him that he wants it.  I feel like a failure as a human and I am suffering and I feel alone in this suffering, and worse, I want him to feel the pain that I do.  I know that everything I'm saying pretty much makes me the worst wife on the face of the planet.  I have suggested MANY times that he move on and find a wife that can provide the life he is looking for.  And then I feel guilty for that because it's passive aggressive and manipulative. 

Everyone is always commenting on how much support they get from their husbands and how this is bringing them closer together.  I feel like my marriage is broken.  I am not drawing strength from him.  I am walking a fine line between wanting to continue treatment and wanting to walk away.  I know I would regret leaving, I do love him, but I just can't handle all of this guilt. I don't know how to deal with it anymore.  I am so jealous of you all for being what I wish I could be.  And I hate myself for being jealous. 

What a great morning to start our Canada Day long weekend.

PrettyAccountant

Oh sweetie. My heart is aching for you. While I will say overall DH and I are closer, there were many many times I felt like you do. It is normal. Our dx is azoo and so many times I felt like I was the one who was doing the research, making phone calls, etc and he did nothing. I resented him for it and it drove me crazy because he didn't know how to fix it. Everything you are feeling is normal and yes, it sucks to have to add all of this to the stress of IF. I wish I knew the magic words but I don't. I would say to you to have a talk with his family and thank them for their support but ask them to please give you some space with their suggestions. I would feel the same way you do if DH's family kept suggesting a carrier.
Sending you super big hugs.

rrdiva1

I am sorry you are feeling alone, I can assure you that a lot of people are feeling the same way, you were just brave enough to share. 

If is such a kick in the face along with everything else a marriage goes through. Maybe try talking to a therapist to sort out the bitterness etc.I think we just get overwhelmed from doing all the research h etc that you need an outlet. Maybe also make sure to have date night every week. I made sure we did this since we started if treatment back in Oct. All the meds, and mechanics of sexy time takes it toll on anyone, just make time for each other, and maybe not share so much of journey with family.

Here for ya sweetie! 

DoublePortion

First of all...HUGE HUGS! You marriage is not broken and not everyone gets tons of support from their husbands. I keep most of the IF stuff to myself and sometimes it's overwhelming. Do you share what you are feeling/thinking with YH? If you do, is he a "fixer" like most men? One of the best pieces of advice my husband has been given by an outside party is to not go with his gut instinct to try to fix the situation, but to validate my emotions. That I need him for support.

You are doing the brunt of the work and his job is to support you. Would you and YH be able to take the long weekend and go somewhere a few hours away for a spontaneous mini-vacation? I've always found it's a great way to reconnect, especially if you're stuck in the car for a few hours together.

Please don't be jealous, at least of me! I've thought many times it would be better for DH if he had a fertile wife, but I know that's really not true. And I highly doubt it's not true for YH. If he didn't love so much you he probably would have taken off at the first sign of trouble!

As a funny aside... DH came home later than I expected one evening and I asked where he had been. (I assumed he went and spent a ton of money at the golf store! lol) He jokingly said he met a girl and took her out. My response: Well did you at least make sure she's fertile? lol

ETA: Also, be happy that YH still wants to have sex with you! That's a big way men connect. Fake it till you make it sister!! MH and I have both been struggling with a disinterest in sex. For so long it's been about making a baby that I think it reminds us that we (yes we, we're in this together) are broken in that area. We're working on getting our mojo back, but believe me it is work!

ekc0630

Girl there was one year I my DH and I almost didn't make it.  The stress level, the 5 year mark, felling like there was nothing else we could do to get a baby.  I think it is something every IF couple goes through.  DH gained like 50 pounds.  It was a really rough year.  What turned it around for us was talking.  We are MFI and he was thinking exactly what you were.  I would be better off with someone who could give me children.  I told him if that is what I wanted I would not have been around for 5 year!  We will be married 7 years on Sunday.  We have done 5 unsuccessful IUI's countless blood work, he tried clomid, we are about to start our first IVF cycle and he is the one keeping me sane.  I'm stressing over everything and he is the one telling me it will work.  It will be ok.  If this were 2  or more years ago it never would have happened.  It takes time but IF does make the relationship stronger.  Its crazy to say but I truly believe it does.  Good luck to you and keep your head up.  It will work out in the end

BeeBee08

Thank you ladies.  I think it is the upcoming 5 year anniversary of this and our upcoming IVF that has me freaking out a little as well.

I am so thankful that you all were honest with me (eve though I don't wish this hurt on anyone), because I truly felt like something must be completely wrong with our marriage that I feel like it would be easier to walk away right now.  It sucks.  I really need to find a way to deal with the jealousy issue, it is making me a person I don't like.

We decided last night to head up to our cottage this weekend (this is our long weekend, Canada Day is Monday) so hopefully that will give us a little break together that we need. 

DP - he is a fixer!  I think the effect of that is two-fold, he is frustrated he can't fix this, I am frustrated that he tries and doesn't just validate my feelings, and then sometimes I feel annoyed that he can't fix it because he fixes everything. 

Thank you again for helping me give myself a break for some of these feelings.  It can be so intense, can't it?  I swear, not only do we deserve a baby at the end of this road, we deserve some kind of mental olympics metal!

hmz819

I could have written your post.  I feel the exact same way. 

Also, you have pm.

luvboston

I am so sorry you feel this way. My DH is not supportive he doesn't do any research and half the time is clueless as to what's going on. The only reason we are pg is because of me and only me. I get very angry with him a lot and I think it's normal given the situation. We went to therapy but I didn't find it helpful because he didn't really understand and it just made me more irritated. I would ask his family to back off I had to do this with mine because people kept pushing a surrogate and adoption. We almost got divorced last year because of his family and he didn't stick up for me. I also think that when I went to therapy on my own it changed me and the way I dealt with things and at least I felt better. Some marriages cannot hold together after so much strife and that's ok as well.

Sophistikitty

Your are definitely not alone.  For the longest time I felt like DH and I were closer and stronger as a result of this whole process but lately as we approach five years of TTC, things are not so great.  I feel a lot like you do at this point.  Huge hugs.

 

EDIT: I just realized it will only be four years TTC for us in July... God help me at five years if I feel like this now!  

brooklynesque

Oh sweetie. IF is a rough road that f:s with the head of everyone involved. I know what it's like to feel guilty that you're the infertile one and to be looking for a way out if the pain ... even if that means walking right out of your marriage. Please consider seeing a therapist, either alone or with your DH. What you're feeling is normal and talking to someone can help you work through it all in your head. Hugs, and I hope you and your hubby have a good weekend together.

liz4paws

Oh sweetie, my heart just sank reading your post. I so know every single thing you described. And as you have read PPs, you are certainly not alone. Marriage is full of ups and downs in general, and IF seems to drag the downs into a deep, dark place that I never even fathomed was possible. I have never in my life had such ugly, awful, feelings than those related to some of the fights and feelings around our IF issues. We have had massive blow outs, we have had nights where both of us end up crying. IF is marriage shaking, it really is. You are certainly not alone, but for me those feelings seem to wax and wane. I might feel like we're doing really well for a while, then all the sudden we dip back into that place as we hit the bumps. I think it's normal, and I think it's only through those really dark places do you find the new bond you never had before. It's a process though, I don't think it's something you magically attain.  

I wish I had something comforting to say, but above all else, you are NOT alone. I think PPs had some wonderful suggestions and time does heal - both of you. It's normal.  Have a wonderful get away....and I'll keep you in my T&Ps that you're able to weather some of these tough times and find some brighter times ahead.

Ecarabeo217

I hope you're having a great get-away! DH and I have had more than our share of fights during this process. I've also thought about walking away. I'm sure he has, too. He's often told me I should find someone who can get me preggo since we are mfi, but I keep telling him that it isn't the point of having a child, period...I want a child with him. But sometimes it feels easier to walk away from it all. My sex drive has disappeared into some IF oblivion, and he will point that out periodically which will spiral us back into a fight. Get aways have helped us, especially when we have promised not to think or talk about babies at all. DH is also a fixer and I have repeatedly asked him not to try to fix things when I vent....just to hear me out and let me feel whatever I feel. He's gotten better at that, and it's been an improvement. I hope you realize you really aren't alone. Just hang in there and talk. Talk about how you feel. Let him do the same. You'll get through this!