Help

MagickalNarwhal

I will likely DD this for privacy at some point but I could really use some help. I feel like our son's birth dad is wanting and expecting to be more involved with parenting tasks than I am comfortable with, and with the impending possible adoption of a second child of his I want to be VERY clear about this so he doesn't agree to an adoption with the expectation that he will get to be involved on that level. And, I don't think my agency is taking me seriously when I express concerns about it.

We have a very very open adoption and in the beginning with our son we were very open to them both being really involved - long visits, where they would feed him, snuggle him down for a nap, etc etc. It felt OK but looking back on it, and with the chance to do it again, we are really feeling like it did actually affect our ability to bond with our son and we'd like it to look different this time. Also, with a 16 mo old and a newborn, we are just not going to have the capacity for the kinds/frequency/length visits that we had before.

Some of the things that are not feeling good to us:

- Frequency of visits. Our agreement states 4x/yr but it's worked out to about once a month or a little more these days.  Last visit he said, "wow, I feel like it's been so long since I've been here - 3 weeks! That's too long, and I'd really like to talk about more frequent visits".His interest in visits has increased (a lot) as our son grows up, and he always talks about things like, "oh, I can't wait till we can read these comics together," or "I can't wait to take you to [whatever cool place]." From everything I read and researched I felt like the desire for visits typically waned as birthparents processed their grief and reengaged in their own lives, but the opposite is happening with us.

- Comments like, "oh, I'm going to have to work on my diaper changing and feeding skills! and you know that I'd like to do as much of that kind of stuff as possible with the new baby."

- He REALLY wants to be the one to soothe our son if he's upset. He has even taken him out of my arms when he's crying before. My son is old enough now that he makes it clear he doesn't like it, but bdad still does it anyway.

- Last night we got an email where he said, "I want to be involved with naming our daughter. This baby is just as much my child as [our son] and I intend to be in her life as she grows up." (We did involve them with naming our son and plan to do the same this time, but we thought bmom had been talking to him about it)

So, I'm feeling like he might want more "parenting involvement" than feels comfortable for me. And you know, maybe he actually just wants to parent. If that's the case, I want someone to be REALLY CLEAR with him that that's OK and that he can make that choice, but that if he does choose adoption, that he has to let go of some expectations and entitlements to that kid. Our SW just wants us to handle the individual things instead of having a big theoretical convo about it, like we did talk about expectations around post-placement visits and agreed on shorter and less frequent visits.

Sorry this is so long. I'm really struggling with this because I genuinely do love him and I genuinely do love and appreciate having a very open adoption. But I don't know if I'm over thinking stuff or what, and how to handle things going forward.

MagickalNarwhal

Yeah we had the same issues before. Based on the responses here and advice from our SW we let it go because we hoped it had to do with feelings about the breakup and around our son's 1st bday and we hoped they would subside. Unfortunately they are doing the opposite.

If our SW won't facilitate, we do feel like we will have to talk to him directly. There is no way we will go into another adoption with this happening.

aligross

Yikes! As much as I don't have any idea what this is like as we are still in the beginning process I can tell you that my thoughts an prayers are with you! Are you going through an agency? If so is there another SW who you could chat with? I'd stress the extreme pressure he's putting on you and how incredibly uncomfortable it is for you. Maybe have the SW present for your convo with him! Again, Yikes! Good luck!!!

mmmraow

Yeah, he obviously doesn't get something. It's unfortunate that your sw isn't being more to-the-point with him. I wonder if he knows he can parent, or if he is trying (probably subconsciously) to find a way he can parent (as in, still be the father even though he may not be able to pay for daycare while he works, etc).

I'm sorry this situation is getting worse. Hopefully the sw will step up and do his/her job! 

Rachel Sonnier

This sounds like such a tough situation! Not quite there yet, but if you are entering into a second adoption through the agency, I feel like your CW should be helping you to navigate this. With our agency BPs have their own advocate/case worker, and APs have a separate case worker who advocates for them. If you suspect that he may want to parent, someone, IMO his case worker, needs to advise him that he has that right. If he still wants to make an adoption plan, the case worker should help you guys to navigate an openness agreement that you all feel comfortable with. It sounds like maybe he isn't aware, or is in denial, about what TPR really means for him. How old is BD if you don't mind me asking? Maybe it's just a maturity issue and he can't quite grasp the finality of it.

MagickalNarwhal

Thanks everyone, our SW did agree to facilitate a meeting with the three of us and his social worker. He's 32 and extremely smart so it's not that he doesnt get it per se. It's just that what has evolved has turned into something more than what's ok. I'm angry that I have to be the one to tell him that open adoption is NOT coparenting even if you all really like each other. We decided last night that we cannot take the baby home until we make ourselves very clear and he makes an honest decision on how he wants to proceed so we are going to ask our agency to arrange cradle care after the birth just in case.

Oy.

maryoosa

Such a tough place to be in for you all *hugs*

IdigDirt

Sorry this is so difficult, hope he gets it and things go smoothly.