DS(2) only gets in trouble at DC every other Monday...and pretrial hearing tomorrow

KTdidit

Do you think it's a coincidence that its always the day after he comes home from BD's house? I think not. He's such a good boy normally, but every other Monday I get notes that he wasn't listening to the teachers, or was climbing all over god knows what, or was being rough or mean with his friends. Its sad that the daycare ladies already know the situation, and make comments like "Well he did such-and-such today, but he did just go see someone over the weekend right?" What do I do? How do I counter the bad behavior before it starts? I already tell him to be a good boy when I drop him off in the morning, but at 2yo I'm not sure that he automatically realizes "I'm back at Mommy's I can't act like I do at Daddy's". He realizes it after the fact, when I get the note and talk to him and tell him that that kind of behaviour isn't acceptible at home or at school and we don't do that (hitting, talking back etc). He's back to being a good kid Tuesday, its just the first day back thats rough.

And on another note - the first pretrial hearing for BD being in contempt and not paying CS is tomorrow morning. I was told twice by the new assistant that I don't need to be there, apparently they prefer that I'm there for everything. Which would've been fine but I didn't request the morning off ahead of time. So I guess I have to wait to see what happens, if BD even shows up. What happens in a pretrial hearing anyway? Anything worthwhile?

Littlejen22

Telling a 2yo to be good does not help. You need to tell him specific behaviors you expect from him such sharing and no hitting. Why do you think that he is learning this at BFs house? I do not know the situation so I cannot make assumptions but just because his behavior is bad after BFs house does not mean it is his fault. It is possible that you son is acting out because I the change or because he misses his Dad.

fellesferie

Lots of relatively harmless stuff can affect kids' behavior. It could be something pretty minor like a later bedtime or just a change in routine. Since there's not much you can do about fixing it, I'd try not to worry too much. It does make it hard, for sure. 

SimpleJane

It is totally and completely normal for a child to act out on transition days. For almost the first year DD and DS were total tyrants the first day I got them back AND the first day their dad got them back. It's hard for a kid to go between two homes.

What we tried to do was focus on what behavior we expected, and praise them when they did right. We also really focused on expressing frustrations in appropriate ways and talking about things when we are upset. Just teaching them it was okay to have a hard time and okay to talk about it and express and communicate it productively was what really turned the corner.

Now if they are having a hard day during the transition they say it, we talk about it, we do something to make it easier like calling Daddy or drawing him a picture.

KTdidit

andrea99:

No advice on the pretrial, but I can relate to the trouble at DC.  SD was getting in a lot more trouble at school the days after she was with BM.  Her teacher kept a calendar of all of her incidents, and they perfectly lined up with the overnights.  It's frustrating for sure.  And I don't know that we ever figured out how to stop it, other than seeing how she'll behave now that she sees BM less often.  Sorry you're dealing with that. 

Yep, DC does a daily report on all the kids that I or FH get when we pick him up, I've gone back over the past year and all the reports with notes on them coincide with BD's weekends.

Jen - If he has been doing something specific then I know what to tell him not to do (Dont hit, no wrestling, listen to your teachers) etc. But I'm not gonna run down every single thing that he might possibly do during the day.

And I guess I am just assuming that the bad behavior is allowed at BD's, rather than DS just having to adjust to being back home. I will admit I have zero confidence in him as a father.

 

Pamelacake

No advice on the court stuff but 6YO SD would act out at school after seeing BM and tell her whole class, teachers and school counselor about event's that had taken place on their visit.. which none of them were good. 5yo SD has wet the bed a couple of times after as well, something she used to do every night when BM was here, But has only occurred 3 times since BM left.

 

This also happened with my 10yo DS when he was in kindergarten. I think his was the transition because it didn't last long. DS would beg me not to take him and would pee and poop on the floor in his room at X's house. X made DS wear pull ups to bed and he was 5 and had been potty trained for 3 years! X tried to use DS's transitional counseling against me in court but it backfired on him b/c these things didn't occur in my home. X put him in counseling to use against me but the judge used it as transitioning X out of DS's life completely. I went to the counseling with DS every time, X went one time.

KTdidit

andrea99:

This is how I felt with SD, too.  I know BM let her run the show.  And that's not how it works in our house.  She was allowed to act out over there, and it took her about 24 hours to get back into following our rules.  Then she was just fine.  (I think some of it was testing us, also.  She pulled the, "But Mommy lets me do XYZ!"  She figures out that DH is a bit smarter than that and quits.) 

Even at 2 DS does that, some of you may remember the driving on BD's lap incident a couple months ago? DS still tries to get me to let him drive in the front seat with me. I've unintentionally found out that BD lets DS have pop and gum too, that comes out when I tell him he isn't allowed to have those things and he says "daddy and mana (Amanda, BDs GF) give me pop". 2yo's don't know how to lie yet....

2chatter

One of my DDs has a hard time with transitions.  I have noticed over the years that these issue happen before AND after time with Dad.  This morning is a great example.  She was .... just a mess.  Could not find socks, could not put on shoes, could not brush teeth.  I think sometimes it's just too much for them and they hit this overload point.  Her big sister is incredibly consistent and smooth unless there is an issue - like exh leaving the girls with someone they have never met overnight instead of for an hour like he told them when he dropped them off. 

Time will show you how your DS handles this - but my first thought was to talk with BD.  Every effort you make at coparenting pays off for the children - even if he is not receptive.  Exh here sometimes gets a little defensive and dismissive but weeks later will mention something like "I tried an earlier bedtime and she's a lot easier to handle by Sunday afternoon".  I view it kind of like a jury trial - things can be struck from the record, but you cannot make people unhear things.  These guys generally don't actively try to suck at being parents or adults, so the more information sharing you do the greater chance of improving things for the children.

twister22

Have you tried a sticker chart? Each day he gets a good report from DC. After x stickers, he gets y. Positive reinforcement tends to work better than negative consequences. It's worth a try, at least. 

KTdidit

twister22:

Have you tried a sticker chart? Each day he gets a good report from DC. After x stickers, he gets y. Positive reinforcement tends to work better than negative consequences. It's worth a try, at least. 

Thanks thats a really good suggestion, I'll make one up for him this weekend, that boy LOVES stickers!