Late Term and Child Loss

Sad to be here (long post)

But from what I've browsed in the last few days I don't think I could be anywhere else.  I know I didn't make it quite as far along as most of you, but after also looking at the miscarriage/pregnancy loss boar, I really do feel more comfortable here. I'd like to share my story, and I'm sorry if it's a little long but this isn't something to go on FB and I'd really like to get it all out. And as sad as I am to be here, I know I will be able to get more support here than I will from anyone else, other than my husband of course.

Friday afternoon I started feeling some cramping, infrequent at first and it would often go away when I moved or shifted positions. When I went to bed however it became a more frequent and didn't really go away as I moved. I was able to fall asleep though. I woke up about 2:30am to go to the bathroom and discovered blood, lots of blood, part of which I would later discover was the mucus plug.  After freaking out by myself for a few minutes and trying to figure out what to do, I woke up my husband so we could head to the hospital.

About 3am we got to the ER and while they checked me in fairly quickly it felt like it took forever to finally speak to a dr that could tell us anything. Lots of bloodwork, two trips for an ultrasound and a quickly inverted bed later we learned that my cervix was open and the bag was bulging. My husband and I weren't quite sure what to think as the ER dr tried to get a hold of the on call OB from the practice I was using.. My ER bed was right across from the desk, so we were able to pick up parts of their conversation. There was multiple discussions going back and forth about getting me up to L&D and hospital policies.  Time seemed to move so slow while we were waiting to find out what would happen. Then all of a sudden I'm being told we're being admitted and moved.

About 7am I finally saw the OB, and after a super brief internal exam he basically said he didn't think the pregnancy was viable but he wanted another ultrasound, because what he saw/felt didn't seem to match up with the first ultrasound. I wish he wouldn't have done that, but understand why he did, however I think it gave us a bit of a false sense of hope that we might be able to save our little boy.  I was wheeled into a L&D room where we did a lot of waiting, 2 more hours for the ultrasound. Great, now that that's done where's the dr? After 2 more hours they did a final page and said if they didn't hear from him they would go to the back up OB. Unfortunately he responded and then it became a waiting game for him to come in. In the mean time they did swab to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid, and sadly I was. Another two hours pass and I asked my RN about him coming in, said that because he responded we would have to wait and unfortunately if he didn't come in before 2pm (7 whole hours after our brief encounter at 7am) that he wouldn't be back in until 5:30 or so as he had office hours. We were livid, and could not believe he had not been back in yet.

Fifteen minutes before 2, the phone for the room rang. I was confused, only two other people knew we were there and no one knew the room number. I picked it up and it was OB, delivering our hearbreaking news over the phone.  Apparently we weren't worth the time for him to come in!!! *Luckily hubby works at the hospital and plans on having a few conversations with some higher ups*  Our options were to just sit still and hope things reverse or be induced and deliver as the baby was too big.  I nearly hung up on him as I burst in to tears with the room full of nurses, they were amazed that he would do this over the phone.  Luckily I had a great team of nurses that had been filling us in on what they could as we had waitied for him.  They gave us our time to think about it, even though there was nothing to think about.  We knew I was dilated and leaking amniotic fluid.  The hardest decision of our lives was to induce and know that I would go through labor, delivering our little man and not be able to take him home. Incredibly, 15 minutes after the decision was made the damn dr showed up.  Smiling, joking, he was lucky my husband didn't knock him out.  I guess policy was that he had to start the induction (vaginally with pills), then magically he was gone again.

The next 8 hours were so long and slow and fast.  Those that came to support were under strict orders to check their emotions at the door. There was no way I would have made it through to delivery if I was constantly crying, and I knew there would be plenty of tears after. About 1/2 an hour before I gave birth, it was crazy and intense.  Perfectly timed, the visitors cleared out of the room and left my husband and I in our final moments.  When I knew something needed to happen I called the nurse in and said it was time and she was not prepared.  A few minutes later she got her back up (the other nurses on the floor) and it was time.  After about 5 pushes our son was born.

 Daniel Parker **** was born at 10:50pm and weight 6.9oz and measured 8.25", he was perfect, he was ours.  My husband was able to watch him be born, and cut the cord and I am so thankful for that.  Even if his heart beat but a few times in the room, we were a family for those few seconds.  Thankfully I was able to deliver the placenta just a few minutes later and I did not have to go in for surgery.  We were able to hold him and spend time with, he stayed in the room with us overnight until we were discharged the next day.  I am so thankful for the time we had with him, but it will never be enough.  It was the absolute worst feeling being wheeled out of that room, out that hospital and getting into our car without him.  That is not how it was supposed to be. 

The last few days have been surreal.  We're home as if things have not changed, when everything has.  We are parents at home without our son.  I feel numb as well angry, confused, sad and so many others.  I hate seeing the changes in my body already, when I don't have him here.  I'm afraid of so many things.  I know I (we) will heal over time, and when the timing is right we will have our rainbow baby.  In the meantime I'm grateful to know that I will have a place to go, where others truly understand what I'm feeling and where I'm coming from.

Thank you for welcoming me and taking the time to read this.


BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Sad to be here (long post)

  • MrsZ816MrsZ816 member
    I am so sorry you have to be here but hope you find this board as helpful as I have.  I lost my daughter 3 months ago in a similar manner and understand what a difficult time this is for you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. 
    Married 8/2009, TTC since 4/2010
    ME: 30, DOR- Low amh, normal fsh/afc DH: 30, morphology issue
    IVF #1- BFN
    IVF #2- BFP!!! Beautiful baby girl became an angel on 2/6/13 at 17.5 weeks due to PPROM/IC
    IVF #3- New RE... February March 2014! 8r/6m/6f. Transferred one and have one frostie! BFP! EDD 12/7/14
    **PAIF/SAIF welcome


  • I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is beautiful. I cherish the short time that I got to spend with my daughter, and I am glad you got the same with your son.

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  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Daniel. We hope that you can get the support you need here on this board. I am so sorry the Dr. was such a jerk, especially in such a hard circumstance.
    Lilypie - (qptF)

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  • I am so sorry for the loss of you sweet Daniel. We lost our daughter in a similar way due to an incompetent cervix. I am so incredibly sorry the OB on call was so callous and cavalier during the most traumatic time. Hugs and welcome
    Married 11/23/11, TTC starting 10/12, BFP#1 11/30/12, Adoption of stepson finalized 03/19/13,Loss of our daughter at 20w4d due to incompetent cervix 03/27/13, BFP#2 06/28/13, DS2 born 3/1/14.

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  • I am so sorry for the passing of your sweet boy. I just lost my boy 2 months ago, and I am so thankful for all the healing. You and your family our in my thoughts and prayers. 
  • I am so, so sorry for the loss of Daniel. You have come to the right place. I completely understand the feeling of leaving the hospital without your baby. It IS the worst feeling. In time, the pain will ease. But do not deny your feelings, it will bottle up and explode if you do. I found the pain came in waves, and after I felt them it would ease for a while. I am 12 1/2 weeks out from my loss, and I'm still standing. It's been hard, but I know our babies wouldn't want us to fall apart and be sad. You can make it, step by step. Counseling and our support group have been very helpful. I wish you peace and support.... (((hugs))))

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  • Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy Daniel. I really hate to welcome you but we are here for you. It has been 20 months tomorrow since we lost our DD Sydney , I am here to tell you that the pain doesn't ever go away but it does get easier to function after time. Hugs!


    DS- Brenden born 11/13/93 Missed miscarriage on March 6, 2007 @ 9 weeks D&C on March 8th 2007. Riley Annalise born 2/25/08 ( 3 weeks early weighing 8 lbs 12.8 oz.) Chemical pregnancy 3/2010. Sydney Adriana born sleeping on 9/30/11 weighing 10lbs 3 oz at 38wks 4 days. Trinity Alivia born via c section at 36 wks 4 days weighing 9 lbs. 5.7 oz. She is our amazing rainbow baby!!! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers PGAL buddy drvst8
  • I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Daniel [and that you didn't have the best experience with the doctor; that's terrible]. I also remember that the worst feeling in the world was leaving the hospital with just a box of things that would represent my child's ridiculously short life; going home with empty arms is one of the hardest things ever. It does get easier over time, but please take it easy on yourself and lean on us if necessary. We're definitely here for you. *hugs*

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  • I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your son, Daniel.  It is awful leaving the hosptial with empty arms.  I didn't even want DH to wheel me to the door like all of the other moms who were being wheeled out with live babies.  I fought with the nurses and DH to let me walk out of there.  I wish you doctor wasn't so cold, I'm so sorry. 

    You have come to a great place for support.  ((SO MANY HUGS)). 

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    BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.

    BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.

    BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.

    BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section

  • my heart is breaking for u right now i just cried reading your story i feel just as you did and still do. I am soooo soooo sorry you have to go through this god i wish you didnt its not fair at all that any of us mamas have to go through this heart breaking pain. Today will be one month since i delivered my benjamin ray i was one day b4 my 31 week mark. He had already passed before delivering him i had started having problems a few days before. Leaving my room with out him was so unatural so painful all i could do was cry all the way home. The changes my body has went through has been horrible i hate it i hate not having him not doing all the daily things that dreamed of for so many months.  I pray we all have our rainbow baby when we are ready to do so. Again i am so sorry and i hope you find peace in your tragedy it will always hurt but i hope it becomes easier to bare the loss of your lo
  • I am so sorry for the loss of Daniel, I lost my twins in december the same way. Reading your story hit very close to home. I am so sorry you have to go through this pain. Be gentle with yourself and PM me if you ever have questions or want to vent. ((hugs))
    Lilypie - (5WpR)
    Me(26)PCOS, Hypothyroidism & Incompetent Cervix  DH(28)Azoospermia
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    <312/9 Joshua David and Zoe Faith born too early at 19w4d due to incompetent cervix <3
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  • I am so sorry that you are here with us, I understand how you felt leaving without him. I cried the entire w/c ride down to the car, I should have been leaving with her and not empty handed. We are here for you, this board helps more then you can imagine. 

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    Isabella Genavieve - 02/03/05 - 7 lbs 11 oz 22 in 
    Arianna Kaitlynn - 04/10/2013 - 4 lbs 15 oz 15 in

    BFP 08/10/13 
    TWINS!!!! 09/01/13
    Miscarriage at 12 weeks lost baby B 
    Arianna diagnosed with an Ompalocele at 13 weeks
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  • Amanda,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Daniel. You have come to the right place. I am also sorry for your experience with the OB. I remember the feeling of leaving the hospital, as soon as we crossed that threshold I lost it. It was so unfair. All of this is unfair.



    TTC #1 since 10/2010 RE consult 6/2011 PCOS (known) MFI IVF #1 w/ICSI 2/2012 BFP TRIPLETS our angels grew wings at 19.5 weeks 6.25.12 IVF #2 2/2013 Sono shows tissue Hysteroscopy needed Changing RE Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers ~~~all welcome~~~
  • Thank you everyone, for taking the time to read my story and your kind words. It's been a rough couple of days, especially difficult to watch DH struggle. I've been thinking I may need to start a blog or some online journal to help me get everything out. I hate putting it all on DH. Not quite sure what to do yet.
    BabyFruit Ticker

  • I am so sorry for your loss of your baby boy, Daniel. I hope we can help to bring you some comfort and support. Welcome.

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