Sad to be here (long post)
amandager99
member
But from what I've browsed in the last few days I don't think I could be anywhere else. I know I didn't make it quite as far along as most of you, but after also looking at the miscarriage/pregnancy loss boar, I really do feel more comfortable here. I'd like to share my story, and I'm sorry if it's a little long but this isn't something to go on FB and I'd really like to get it all out. And as sad as I am to be here, I know I will be able to get more support here than I will from anyone else, other than my husband of course.
Friday afternoon I started feeling some cramping, infrequent at first and it would often go away when I moved or shifted positions. When I went to bed however it became a more frequent and didn't really go away as I moved. I was able to fall asleep though. I woke up about 2:30am to go to the bathroom and discovered blood, lots of blood, part of which I would later discover was the mucus plug. After freaking out by myself for a few minutes and trying to figure out what to do, I woke up my husband so we could head to the hospital.
About 3am we got to the ER and while they checked me in fairly quickly it felt like it took forever to finally speak to a dr that could tell us anything. Lots of bloodwork, two trips for an ultrasound and a quickly inverted bed later we learned that my cervix was open and the bag was bulging. My husband and I weren't quite sure what to think as the ER dr tried to get a hold of the on call OB from the practice I was using.. My ER bed was right across from the desk, so we were able to pick up parts of their conversation. There was multiple discussions going back and forth about getting me up to L&D and hospital policies. Time seemed to move so slow while we were waiting to find out what would happen. Then all of a sudden I'm being told we're being admitted and moved.
About 7am I finally saw the OB, and after a super brief internal exam he basically said he didn't think the pregnancy was viable but he wanted another ultrasound, because what he saw/felt didn't seem to match up with the first ultrasound. I wish he wouldn't have done that, but understand why he did, however I think it gave us a bit of a false sense of hope that we might be able to save our little boy. I was wheeled into a L&D room where we did a lot of waiting, 2 more hours for the ultrasound. Great, now that that's done where's the dr? After 2 more hours they did a final page and said if they didn't hear from him they would go to the back up OB. Unfortunately he responded and then it became a waiting game for him to come in. In the mean time they did swab to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid, and sadly I was. Another two hours pass and I asked my RN about him coming in, said that because he responded we would have to wait and unfortunately if he didn't come in before 2pm (7 whole hours after our brief encounter at 7am) that he wouldn't be back in until 5:30 or so as he had office hours. We were livid, and could not believe he had not been back in yet.
Fifteen minutes before 2, the phone for the room rang. I was confused, only two other people knew we were there and no one knew the room number. I picked it up and it was OB, delivering our hearbreaking news over the phone. Apparently we weren't worth the time for him to come in!!! *Luckily hubby works at the hospital and plans on having a few conversations with some higher ups* Our options were to just sit still and hope things reverse or be induced and deliver as the baby was too big. I nearly hung up on him as I burst in to tears with the room full of nurses, they were amazed that he would do this over the phone. Luckily I had a great team of nurses that had been filling us in on what they could as we had waitied for him. They gave us our time to think about it, even though there was nothing to think about. We knew I was dilated and leaking amniotic fluid. The hardest decision of our lives was to induce and know that I would go through labor, delivering our little man and not be able to take him home. Incredibly, 15 minutes after the decision was made the damn dr showed up. Smiling, joking, he was lucky my husband didn't knock him out. I guess policy was that he had to start the induction (vaginally with pills), then magically he was gone again.
The next 8 hours were so long and slow and fast. Those that came to support were under strict orders to check their emotions at the door. There was no way I would have made it through to delivery if I was constantly crying, and I knew there would be plenty of tears after. About 1/2 an hour before I gave birth, it was crazy and intense. Perfectly timed, the visitors cleared out of the room and left my husband and I in our final moments. When I knew something needed to happen I called the nurse in and said it was time and she was not prepared. A few minutes later she got her back up (the other nurses on the floor) and it was time. After about 5 pushes our son was born.
Daniel Parker **** was born at 10:50pm and weight 6.9oz and measured 8.25", he was perfect, he was ours. My husband was able to watch him be born, and cut the cord and I am so thankful for that. Even if his heart beat but a few times in the room, we were a family for those few seconds. Thankfully I was able to deliver the placenta just a few minutes later and I did not have to go in for surgery. We were able to hold him and spend time with, he stayed in the room with us overnight until we were discharged the next day. I am so thankful for the time we had with him, but it will never be enough. It was the absolute worst feeling being wheeled out of that room, out that hospital and getting into our car without him. That is not how it was supposed to be.
The last few days have been surreal. We're home as if things have not changed, when everything has. We are parents at home without our son. I feel numb as well angry, confused, sad and so many others. I hate seeing the changes in my body already, when I don't have him here. I'm afraid of so many things. I know I (we) will heal over time, and when the timing is right we will have our rainbow baby. In the meantime I'm grateful to know that I will have a place to go, where others truly understand what I'm feeling and where I'm coming from.
Thank you for welcoming me and taking the time to read this.
Amanda
Re: Sad to be here (long post)
IVF #1- BFN
IVF #2- BFP!!! Beautiful baby girl became an angel on 2/6/13 at 17.5 weeks due to PPROM/IC
**PAIF/SAIF welcome**
Ava's Story
BFP#2 10/18/13 Blighted ovum 11/25/13
BFP #3 1/31/14 EDD 10/18/14 -- It's a GIRL!
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy Daniel. I really hate to welcome you but we are here for you. It has been 20 months tomorrow since we lost our DD Sydney , I am here to tell you that the pain doesn't ever go away but it does get easier to function after time. Hugs!
Heather
I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your son, Daniel. It is awful leaving the hosptial with empty arms. I didn't even want DH to wheel me to the door like all of the other moms who were being wheeled out with live babies. I fought with the nurses and DH to let me walk out of there. I wish you doctor wasn't so cold, I'm so sorry.
You have come to a great place for support. ((SO MANY HUGS)).
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
Me(26)PCOS, Hypothyroidism & Incompetent Cervix DH(28)Azoospermia
4/11 Off BCPs -- Cycle 1-3 (6months) - No ovulation, Provera
Cycle 4-6 - Provera, Clomid 50mg, CD23BW - All BFN (HSG-all clear)
Dec 2011 DH S/A shows zero count - dx Azoo
TESE 4/13/12 - Sperm found!! 5 viles frozen
IVF ICSI #1- (Lupron protocol) 5R 2F 2dt- 2DP & 4CF - BFFN
IVF ICSI #2- (Antagonist protocol) Started stims 7/26
ER 8/8 11R 9F 3dt - 9BF & 7BF (+HPT 8dp3dt)TWINS! EDD 5/1/13
LAP Transabdominal Cerclage - 4/15/13 only possibility of carrying my children to term
IVF#3 - June 2013 - canceled.
IVF ICSI #3.2- (Antagonist Protocol) 7/26 start stims (same day, a year later from J & Z's stim start date!)
9/11/13 - U/S shows 1 baby HR 135bpm! EDD: 4/30/13
It's a BOY!!
2/9/14 - DX Gestational Diabetes
C-section scheduled for 4/7/14 (36w5d)
Colin Joseph - 1:07pm 6lbs 14oz - 8 days in the NICU
Everyone Welcome!
Amanda,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son Daniel. You have come to the right place. I am also sorry for your experience with the OB. I remember the feeling of leaving the hospital, as soon as we crossed that threshold I lost it. It was so unfair. All of this is unfair.
HUGS
Shawnna