The Gay Guide to Wedded Bliss

mollykelley

From the Atlantic: "Research finds that same-sex unions are happier than heterosexual marriages. What can gay and lesbian couples teach straight ones about living in harmony?"

Article link: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/06/the-gay-guide-to-wedded-bliss/309317/

Your thoughts gay bumpies?

firstcomeslove2013

I love this!!! I haven't gotten to read the whole article but I found what I read to be really interesting!!! Thanks for sharing MK!!!

maryoosa

Here are my thoughts. Of course queer marriages are happier. We couldn't marry legally for a long time, and many of us still cannot. When we can, we are usually going to be pretty sure about who we are marrying and what we want in our relationships. Pretty much the same way you rarely hear about child abuse in gay couples--- because we have to jump through some fairly intense hoops to get our children.

Many of the points the article raises are the good ones; however, I hesitate whenever we try to elevate marriage to the great equalizer between gay and str8--- there are plenty of folks both gay and str8 who don't want to get married. For multiple reasons. 

lbugher

"A growing body of scholarship on household division of labor shows that in many ways, same-sex couples do it better."  Yup!  I also like the bit on same-sex couples "fighting funny."  My partner and I do that.  When we bicker my partner will say things like "divorce is expensive" or "we have a 30 year mortgage - no one's getting out." 

We already have a very equal distribution of labor in the house - except for our pets.  She doesn't like my cat and I don't like her dog so we tend to shoulder their care ourselves (I take care of my cat and she mostly cares for the dog, though I'm recruited to clean up his messes from time to time because he's paralyzed and he's very, very difficult to care for).  We've already agreed that on weekends, we each get one morning to sleep in without child or pet care. I have a feeling we'll both be cooperative and involved as parents. I don't worry at all that the division of labor will be equal. I think I'd worry about that if I was with a man.

I see my straight friends and how they interact with the kids. Obviously the dads love their kids, but my female friends are ALWAYS the ones to do the heavy care-taking. They are the ones who feed them, wipe their faces, change them, hold them, and chase after them. I get exhausted just watching them but they seem happy with the arrangement.

Men in general aren't held as responsible for the care of small children, at least not in our culture.  French dads are super involved, to the point where I kept noticing and pointing it out to my partner.  I'd say "Hey, look how cute that dad is talking to his baby!" or "Wow, that dad's holding the kids while his wife is shopping." I noticed men doing things that men should probably already be doing yet they do them so seldomn that it captures my attention when I witness it. 

I think America is at a crossroads still trying to navigate rapidly changing gender roles and dynamics. I think more dads wish they could be more mushy with their kids without compromising their masculinity. Family work and government policies still heavily favor the patriarchal model so those will have to shift with time. Interesting, though... We're not bound by traditional gender roles (implicitly or explicitly) so we're able to form our own ways to work together fairly.

Manada

Admittedly I haven't read the article as I am teaching intensively this week and super busy :. But based on comments I think I can presume the gist of it...

I can only speak to my experience but I think that being queer doesn't necessarily mean I know how to be in a marriage in a good way. That said, I do think that some of the challenges that H and I have faced because we are queer have really pulled us together in some pretty awesome and unique ways.

I also think that we are a bit more attentive to each other in some ways around social impacts of homophobia. This extends to more consideration and deepens our connection more than I have experienced in past relationships with straight dudes.

Though really, that could all be just because H is clearly better than my exes .wink!.

mollykelley

This article has some interesting points, but perhaps not enough years of research to see the lasting effects of marriage. I know I feel very grateful to be in a couple where roles are not "assumed" and where we find a way to each contribute in different ways. My straight couple friends who have what seem to be happy marriages are those where the labor is divided somewhat evenly (meaning the man does A LOT by society's standards). I also know some great married couples with kids who are super happy and in love. The common thread in all of those families: they all have housekeepers and nannies!

Both of us feel the need to contribute equally to our relationship and household, and we will both have some time off for baby - but I will definitely take more as I am the gestational mother and will be doing the bfing. I've been pleasantly surprised with how supportive K is about my leavin work and/or going back. I've been reading "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg and taking part in a discussion group at my workplace. She notes the grave inequalities in male/female households in regards to chores, child care, and priorities for a career. Often having a child is what takes women "out" because they are not adequately supported by society. She also mentioned in a lecture that it is much more equal in female/female households, and I think it is easy to see why.