Thoughts on moving somewhere new... LONG

jf198400

Here's some background.  DH and I met in high school, got married and bought a house 5mins away from his parents (30mins away from mine).  We've never lived anywhere else.  We live in PA but DH works in NYC.  His commute is 2hrs each way.  Yes I know that's crazy.  But we love where we live, I have a FT job here, and our families help us out all the time with the kids.  Plus housing is way more affordable here than anywhere around NYC.

DH works in finance so most of the jobs are in NY.  He loves his company, it is incredibly stable and has amazing benefits.  He also hates change and would be happy to stay at his current company forever.  The commute is crazy though and we know that it will only get harder when the kids are in school and have activities like boyscouts and little league that DH wants to be around for.  So we know that we probably should eventually move closer to NY.

This terrifies me.  How does one go about finding a nice place to live when you don't know the area at all?  What if you buy a house and go through all the effort of moving and then find out you don't like it there? 

I also can't figure out how you would coordinate finding a new job somewhere else while also trying to move.  I'd imagine I'd have to take some time off from working.  I can't imagine we'd be able to find any decently nice and affordable houses compared to what we can get in PA.  I don't know how I'd be able to manage being a working mom without the support of my mom and MIL closeby. 

We're not planning on moving anytime soon, but the topic came up the other day, so now it's on my mind.  Just freaks me out thinking about it.  Not sure what I'm looking for here, just needed someone to listen, thanks.

Reilly626

I am guessing you live in the Poconos? I grew up on the PA NJ border on NJ side and know people who commute like that on 80 or 78. Of course any move is tough and you most likely won't get the huge house for the PA price, but there's great things about NJ. I would recommend checking out towns with commuter trains into NYC. We live in Union County where this is so. I recommend Scotch Plains fan wood, Westfield, Cranford, Berkeley heights, Chatham. These are all great towns with great schools and amenities. I love that I can hop a train and be in NYC or hop on the parkway and be at the beach. Seeing your husband spend time with his kids and not risk his life on that horrible commute is worth moving. We go to the "country" and visit my family all the time. Best of luck in your decisions.

jf198400

We're actually not in the Poconos.  We live in the northern suburbs of Philly, close to the NJ border.  DH takes NJTransit to NY.

Reilly626

Wow that is a horribly long commute. I'm sorry! Personally I'd move but it sounds like you don't want to. Best of luck!

CYBURRCHIC

I live in northern NJ and moved here about 6 years ago.  You just do what you have to do.  It sounds like trade offs.  Quality of life for your DH and being a part of your children's lives vs staying where you are.  You most likely wont love your new location at first because change is hard.  But prioritize what is important to you in a location.  Close to transit, parks, country vs housing development vs in a town...NJ taxes are shocking and child care is the price of another mortgage but that is the cost associated with your DHs quality of life.  I would job hunt before moving so that could play into your decision of where to move.

laurakaz13

I would never be okay with my husband having such a long commute.  That is terrible quality of life.  We would absolutely move. 

It's not like NJ is that far from PA.  The areas are pretty similar.  I'm sure NJ is more expensive closer to the city.

 We move every few years for work. We just get on the internet and research, or talk to friends and coworkers and find out about good areas, towns, school systems, etc. 

This would be a no-brainer to us.  Edited to say that DH can also look for a new job in the Philly area.  I know it may be tough, but that would also be an option. 

thedash

It's an area that you should be able to learn a lot about through online research. Once you narrow it down call a few realtors and get their opinions based on your priorities. It may be worth renting for a year while you transition. The job thing is tough to coordinate but at least you are close enough to drive for interviews and not have to stay overnight. Good luck! It's scary but sounds like the right move for your family.

FemShep

Relax, OP.  People deal with much more difficult moves all the time.  You can do this.

Even moving an hour closer to NYC will  make a huge difference in your DH's quality of life.  That's 10 hours a week he'll get back!  And he'll be able to spend that time with family, which helps everyone.

You certainly don't need to take time off from working to move, especially if you only move an hour closer to NYC.  You may have a rough commute for a few weeks, but it's absolutely doable to be a working mom and look for a new job.  

And when you'll move, you'll still have your mom and MIL within easy driving distance.   

It's obvious that you don't want to move, but part of marriage and family is making compromises and doing something you may not want to do for the good of everyone else.  I know you know this-we do it every day.  But I think you need to focus on the incredible benefits to your family in cutting DH's commute in half instead of the challenges of a move.  Moves really aren't that bad.  I've moved 3 times in the last 5 years (6 in the last 11), and it's doable.  And the benefits for you will be huge.

As an aside, I'm not sure what type of finance work your DH does, but has he looked into opportunities at Comcast?  Their corporate headquarters are in Philly, and they have a large corporate finance team that handles the "sexy" stuff like M&A as well as a significant finance group in their operating divisions.  It's a good company to work for (even though it has a terrible reputation for its products), and their CFO is one of the very best in the business. 

Virgo17

Does DH have the option to work from home or flex his schedule at all?  If he could WFH two days a week, or even work 4 10-hour days, that would alleviate some of the commute time.

Honestly, I would not want to move away from both families if they are involved with the kids.  Also, if you have a job you love and the house you love, it seems that there should be a better way to make it work.

 

shakinros

Yeah, I'm trying to coordinate a move and job hunt to NJ from CA so we can be two hours from family and friends. Your situation sounds so easy! But then I think how much I've moved in the last 10 years and how awful it is to deal with all that stuff and I start to understand how it might be tough if you've owned a house and filled it for all these years.

I'm with the others who say your DH should consider a new job if its important to him to be home more. I know you said he hates change, but has he considered what it's going to be like to remove the grandparents from the child care situation? That sounds like way more upheaval in your day to day lives to me.

If you're still thinking move, you're close enough to visit the areas you might move to. Just take a day each weekend and drive around neighborhoods. You'd probably want to rent for the first year to get to know the area before you commit to buying a house.

groovygrl

Well, this will probably be a bit long, sorry.

I can understand your position in some ways- I grew up in the Lehigh Valley (and it still shocks me how many people have moved there and commute into the city from there now), I lived in NYC, and then in Union Cty and commuted into the city from there (ditto pp's suggestions about Union county towns, they're great! You'll get more for your $ in Cranford, Scotch Plains, etc than Westfield but it is a great town.).   I guess you don't live off 78 but driving from that area to the Lehigh Valley is not bad at all and we visited my family often and they came to us easily too.  But, since you're further south, you might want to consider a little west of there or southwest maybe. Still not as bad a commute as where you are now but a little more affordable housing. The Princeton area is great also- more $$ but closer to your family I would think.  Property taxes will suck no matter what if you move from PA to NJ.

We moved from NJ to a southern state & we now live in a different part of the country. We made the first move for quality of life, pre-kids. NJ was not what we wanted  in terms of cost of living, housing, commuting time, congestion, etc., but again, those were our priorities & our thinking.  The only thing we really loved having nearby was the beach and our longtime family & friends. So, while I see the viewpoint of moving away from home and how that can be hard but can have very good benefits, I also see why you'd want to stay nearby. My husband's family pretty much all thought we were insane for leaving NJ and didn't understand it at all, so I don't think you're alone in that, though I do think an hour further away is really not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, if your family's time is better spent without all that commuting, your nuclear family will probably be happier from that perspective, and you can still see your own family regularly (assuming they're pretty mobile & able to come see you as well as you coming to see them).

It sounds like you've never lived away from home. It is hard to move even 1 hour, because you really do have to learn a new place, make new friends locally, etc unless you plan to drive back 'home' constantly to do everything. That can all be hard. I am in my 6th state right now so I've done it a number of times though only 2 states have been with kids. My advice is to try to view it as an adventure, a way for you to try something new as a family that could be great and remember it does not have to be for the rest of your life if it doesn't work out.  Obviously there are a lot of financial costs to moving, so there is that, but if that is not a major barrier, I always said that I'd wonder 'what if' we'd tried something...you never know, you might love it there & be very happy & realize that being an hour away is not a huge deal. Also, another perspective that is specific to our family situation and maybe not yours but is related to a lot of people's 'friend' situations- as kids get older and friends have kids and all the stuff going on, you really don't see those people all that much anyway- you may see them just as much if you live an hour away and plan to come do things vs living 15-20 min away. The only exception would be those who maybe live really close, like neighborhood or same town and you see each other locally on a regular basis.  I find that I see my college &h.s. friends just as much now (a couple times a yr when we visit or we arrange a weekend somewhere) as I was starting too once ppl started having kids & crazy lives.

GL! I say go for it but again, I've moved quite a bit & never lived near family when we had kids (like states away) so my perspective will be different. It's hard for anyone else to really say what will make you all happiest.

 

jf198400

Just to respond to a few things:

"What about just biting the bullet and getting an Amtrak monthly as opposed to using NJT? It cost more, but the time savings is a huge difference"

This is not an option.  NJT is about $400/month Amtrack is over $1000/month and would only cut down about 15mins each way.

"You certainly don't need to take time off from working to move, especially if you only move an hour closer to NYC. You may have a rough commute for a few weeks, but it's absolutely doable to be a working mom and look for a new job." 

I think if we move, it would be like an hour and a half commute to my current job, there's no way I could manage that with doing both dropoff and pickup at DC by myself everyday. 

"I'd move now before the kids are older and more settled."

We won't have the money to move for at least 2yrs, possibly longer if we move to a HCOL area.

"Does DH have the option to work from home or flex his schedule at all? If he could WFH two days a week, or even work 4 10-hour days, that would alleviate some of the commute time."

No, he is in sales and has meetings with clients and has to be either in office or at the clients office.  He already works 9-10hrs/day so a 4-10 schedule is not an option.

"Maybe it is because I am from the area, but there is nothing easy in my mind about moving from the northern Philly burbs to North Jersey. Frankly, it would be like moving to foreign country to me.

I don't see what OP gains here -- her DH would still be commuting from the city. Pick ups and drops offs would still be on her, except now she wouldn't have the family support around to help with it.

Not to mention a ridiculous adjustment to COL. I'm shuddering just thinking about the tax difference."

This is EXACTLY how I feel.

Being 1-2hrs away from my mom and MIL means I'd be essentially on my own.  Right now if 1 of the kids gets sick and needs to stay home or be picked up from DC, I can call my mom and she's there in half an hour.  There's no way she could do this if I'm an hour and a half away. 

Also, DH and I are NOT done having kids, we want probably 2 more children.  I can't imagine going through having another baby with 2 toddlers at home without my mom around to help out.

Essentially we have 3 options: we move, DH changes jobs, or we continue on like this indefinitely.  DH thinks we should move.  I think he should change jobs.  I understand why he doesn't want to.  This is a conversation we need to discuss more.  I'm trying to get some outside thougts on my situation, to try to be openminded.

groovygrl

If you don't have the finances to move for at least 2 yrs, why not think about it in terms of setting aside a certain amt to put toward moving each month in order to prepare, and see if things change or you H gets more open to changing jobs? I would tell him you're willing to consider it though not committing to it & in return, you'd like him to reach out to some recruiters, etc, send a resume and see if anyone bites and just be open to the opportunity to change. He doesnt have to interview or even take a job if he is not interested, but if he doesnt explore the possibility he might be missing something really good. 

If you don't end up moving, you can use the saved up money to do something to your current home or perhaps move into a new home locally if your family grows, or put in a pool, or put it in a college fund for the kids or whatever. Can't hurt to have a little extra $

jf198400

groovygrl:

If you don't have the finances to move for at least 2 yrs, why not think about it in terms of setting aside a certain amt to put toward moving each month in order to prepare, and see if things change or you H gets more open to changing jobs? I would tell him you're willing to consider it though not committing to it & in return, you'd like him to reach out to some recruiters, etc, send a resume and see if anyone bites and just be open to the opportunity to change. He doesnt have to interview or even take a job if he is not interested, but if he doesnt explore the possibility he might be missing something really good. 

If you don't end up moving, you can use the saved up money to do something to your current home or perhaps move into a new home locally if your family grows, or put in a pool, or put it in a college fund for the kids or whatever. Can't hurt to have a little extra $

We are already saving money each month to move to a bigger home (we're in a starter townhouse right now). The question is whether our next house should be in PA or NJ.  We will have to move eventually no matter what b/c there simply isnt enough room to grow our family in our current house.

I like your idea about getting DH to job search a little in exchange for me house searching a little.  This is a great idea.  Now I just have to get DH to agree.

groovygrl

jf198400:

groovygrl:

If you don't have the finances to move for at least 2 yrs, why not think about it in terms of setting aside a certain amt to put toward moving each month in order to prepare, and see if things change or you H gets more open to changing jobs? I would tell him you're willing to consider it though not committing to it & in return, you'd like him to reach out to some recruiters, etc, send a resume and see if anyone bites and just be open to the opportunity to change. He doesnt have to interview or even take a job if he is not interested, but if he doesnt explore the possibility he might be missing something really good. 

If you don't end up moving, you can use the saved up money to do something to your current home or perhaps move into a new home locally if your family grows, or put in a pool, or put it in a college fund for the kids or whatever. Can't hurt to have a little extra $

We are already saving money each month to move to a bigger home (we're in a starter townhouse right now). The question is whether our next house should be in PA or NJ.  We will have to move eventually no matter what b/c there simply isnt enough room to grow our family in our current house.

I like your idea about getting DH to job search a little in exchange for me house searching a little.  This is a great idea.  Now I just have to get DH to agree.

Hope he agrees! Is he in finance as in banking or just in sales related to finance some way? MH is also in finance & there are tons of opps in NJ (and philly but prob more in NJ) so many companies there...the banking thing can be a barrier to leaving the city though.