Unable to get help - tl;dr

AE sorry yall

I'm a regular poster on other boards, but I wanted to use an AE because of the ridiculous and personal nature of this post... I will probably DD, because I'm a super coward :P

I have a long history of depression and anxiety, as well as dissociation. This is due to pretty extreme, organized abuse... sexual, physical, emotional/psychological... from early childhood through adulthood. Some of which I was *sort of* aware of, but compartmentalized and dissociated for years. Well, the memories have been coming back pretty much since I got KU. I struggled with depression throughout my pregnancy, was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and admittedly did not seek professional help while insured. I have ceased contact with my (abusive) family, and don't really have any friends I can trust to talk to or really help me out at all. I am also now single.

So, there's that. I had my baby recently (more than 6 weeks ago), and I'm not sure if I have PPD exactly, but some of my reactions to normal things are really abnormal and scary. Like, if baby is crying and I can't tend to him immediately, I automatically am flooded with thoughts of self harm and suicide. Not normal, not ok. I heard this can be related to my history of abuse, and unhealthily empathizing with the unanswered cries of a baby/young child. Thus, I freak out temporarily. Thanks to dissociation and being "used to" being depressed, I am functioning and caring for, bonding with and loving my baby as I should. If you talked to me for an hour, you'd probably never guess that I'm a sh!tstorm waiting to happen internally. I am barely squeaking by. I consider a trip to the grocery store or a 15-minute walk - really, anything beyond just taking care of and playing with my baby all day - major accomplishments. I want to do better.

Right now, I am uninsured and unemployed. I'm waiting for Medicaid application to go through so I can get some much needed counseling. (For the nosy noodles, my plan is to get back on my feet and off of welfare ASAP. I'm used to being much more high-functioning and totally independent and self-sufficient, but the types of memories I'm discovering really f'uck with one's ability to do life. And to reiterate, baby is being provided for, entertained, stimulated, bathed, fed, loved etc). Medicaid paperwork can take time, though. I've tried talking to regular ol' counselors - ya know, the volunteers and professionals offering occasional free services - but the sh!t I'm dealing with is pretty severe, and non-specialized therapists have a hard time grasping what I'm going through. 

So, finally to my question: What are some coping mechanisms you all have developed for dealing with episodes of overwhelming emotions that seem to help to temporarily alleviate some of the acute, severe symptoms of PPD/PPA? I EBF, so there are some supplements I can't take, but I'm definitely open to herbal/natural suggestions, as well as things I can *do*.

 

tl;dr -  I'm depressed and temporarily uninsured, but need creative ideas for getting through until I am insured once again, which will hopefully be soonish. All suggestions should be single mom / EBF friendly. TIA! 

Ardmhs83

First off, I am so sorry for what happened to you when you were younger.  I don't have any advice for that other than I am sorry and I will pray for you and your baby.  Have you ever had professional help to deal with your childhood experiences?  Getting that talked about and taken care of first will greatly improve the PPD/PPA. 

I had horrible PPD/PPA...didn't seek help until my DS was 7 months old.  I also loved my son to pieces, breastfed him and cared for him VERY well, but I was a total wreck inside.  Horrible panic attacks, never ending insomnia and suicidal thoughts as well.  Two trips to the ER and several attempts to fix things with sleeping pills and benedryl. 

I finally got into see a great congnative behavioral therapist and a phychiatrist (that is what I suggest you do, when you can).  Also got on appropriate meds.  I tried breastfeeding friendly ones for 2 months, but ended up quitting when my son was 9 months old b/c they were playing pharmacy on me too much.  I worried about all the meds going into him, so I formula fed him for 3 months.  It sucked and I still get sad about it, but I had to take care of me to be a good mom!

Until then...ask for help from anyone you trust..even for small things, like helping to clean or cook or watch baby for an hour or so.  Look up progressive relaxation techniques, herbal remedies for anxiety and depression (clear these with your pedi), and cognative behavior therapy self-help books.

Look into things like GABA, Valerian Root, fish oil, folic acid, St Johns Wort....exercise is a great thing as well!  Like I said...check this all with your doctor and pedi before just taking these.  Some can only provide some temporaray relief, but won't fix a problem withou talk therapy.

Good luck...PPD/PPA sucks horribly, but you CAN get through it...I promise!   

thatoneredhead

Im in free counselling through work which has done wonders for my marriage and not so much for me... so... I hear you there.

I know it sounds stupid but Im huge on placebos. I have PMS tea that is my fix all when Im hard-core PMSing which is a really, really bad combo with all my other awesomeness. It might calm me a little herbally, but it's much more of the ritual of  breathing in the steam and really focusing on the warmth of it. 

Another thing that sounds stupid and trite is I totally enjoy the little things. We planted a garden. Im lazy alot. Alot of that is depression, alot of it is me really not being lazy, but just taking things slow. I do it for me and to spend more time with my baby. I say "no" alot. Ill get back to where Im "go!go!go!" but Im too tired right now for that and thats ok.

Im on medication, in counselling, but nothing can fix my hardest days. There are some days where I just feel vile. 

ETA: I know you dont have insurance, but some stuff is pretty cheap. Would it be worth the 100 bucks or so to go ask?

greenic

Please go to your doctor re: any supplements you may hear of before taking them. Also, your doctor may be able to refer you to a Counselor.

brandi6102

Maybe there's a support group in your area or you could see if any of the counseling agencies offer services to those without insurance or use a sliding fee scale. You could contact your county mental health board and ask them for a referral. A rape crisis center is usually a good place to start to get some services. Most offer free services. I hope you find something that will help while you're waiting for insurance. I also want to say that YOU SOUND LIKE AN AMAZING PERSON! You are still caring for your child when dealing with so much and you're being honest and smart enough to reach out for help. I wish you the best of luck!!!