Toddler Tantrums..........I need help!!!

Suepotsy1

I also posted this on the toddler board:

I have an almost 3 year old daughter and a 4 week old baby boy. Our newborn is a dream..............easiest baby ever. I wish I could say the same for our daughter right now. I expected some difficulty after bringing home the baby, but I did not expect the level of aggression.............towards ME.

For the first 2 weeks, she was fine, just clingy. This has now escalated to the point that I cannot even walk into another room without her sobbing, even when my husband is home. This breaks his heart, by the way. In addition, she is now throwing ridiculous, aggressive tantrums. She hits, kicks, screams and throws things. Always at me. She has never shown any aggression towards the baby. However, most of these tantrums occur when I am feeding him. I am nearly to the point of quitting breastfeeding because of it. I have tried time-out, but it doesn't work because she just continues to scream and then gets up. Recently I have been bringing her to her room and telling her she can come down when she is ready to be nice. This works fairly well, the problem is that I have to stop what I am doing (usually feeding the baby) to bring her there. I have tried to ignore her until I am finished feeding him, but it usually escalates and that is when she starts hitting or kicking. Today she threw her shoes at me. I am at the end of my rope. I miss my sweet, happy girl, and I feel so guilty that I am not able to spend the time/attention with my son that he deserves. Any advice that you have would be greatly appreciated!!

Oh, additionally, I am a teacher, so I will be at home until the school year starts back up. Bringing her to the babysitter is not really a solution for me at this point.

doremi29

Theres probably no quick fix but what about a once a week mommy-DD day/date.Give her some special time with you.  As for the feedings, I actually give DS the Ipad when I nurse because he loooves to play with it.  Anything she just loves- even a favorite tv show that you could put on then?  I know some people really don't like their kids to watch too much tv but, when times get tough..... 

Maybe a sticker chart for good behavior?

=Lee=B

Was she in daycare before the baby came?  The changes of a new baby in the house and being removed from daycare can often be a double whammy for little ones.  I know a lot of families that have found the older child much happier if they were able to remain at their daycare to keep some consistency in their life.

 I know you mentioned being home for he school year but it might be worth considering.

If you can't afford to do that maybe find some free playgroups or social interaction to take her to...if baby is easy going you can pop her in a carrier and then the older child can socialize?

08summerbride

I don't have much advice becsuse I am losing patience with my almost 3 year old as well. I did read somewhere a suggestion for the feeding time. It said to have a special bag of stickers or something she can entertain herself with Independently that you only get out for her when you are nursing. I am sure the novelty will wear off quickly but it might buy you a couple of days :

Suepotsy1

=Lee=B:

Was she in daycare before the baby came?  The changes of a new baby in the house and being removed from daycare can often be a double whammy for little ones.  I know a lot of families that have found the older child much happier if they were able to remain at their daycare to keep some consistency in their life.

 I know you mentioned being home for he school year but it might be worth considering.

If you can't afford to do that maybe find some free playgroups or social interaction to take her to...if baby is easy going you can pop her in a carrier and then the older child can socialize?

I was home with her for 2 weeks before the baby was born....... She is used to alot of mommy time, so I know that is part of the problem.  I do send her to the babysitter once every 2 weeks so she still has some social time and so I can get some things done.  I feel so bad about the idea of sending her to the babysitter while I keep the baby at home.  I don't know, maybe that's something to talk to my husband about....

doremi29

Suepotsy1:

=Lee=B:

Was she in daycare before the baby came?  The changes of a new baby in the house and being removed from daycare can often be a double whammy for little ones.  I know a lot of families that have found the older child much happier if they were able to remain at their daycare to keep some consistency in their life.

 I know you mentioned being home for he school year but it might be worth considering.

If you can't afford to do that maybe find some free playgroups or social interaction to take her to...if baby is easy going you can pop her in a carrier and then the older child can socialize?

I was home with her for 2 weeks before the baby was born....... She is used to alot of mommy time, so I know that is part of the problem.  I do send her to the babysitter once every 2 weeks so she still has some social time and so I can get some things done.  I feel so bad about the idea of sending her to the babysitter while I keep the baby at home.  I don't know, maybe that's something to talk to my husband about....

Don't feel bad!!!!! DS goes 3 times a week while I'm home with the baby! (eta: I'm a teacher as well). Consistency is great for our 3 year olds and lets face it- they got lots of one on one time with us, so why shouldn't baby #2?! I would definitely bump it up to 1 day every week that she goes to her sitter. DS gets so much more playtime and releases so much more energy there just because I can't possibly run around with him like the sitter can when I have the baby too.

Suepotsy1

doremi29:

Suepotsy1:

=Lee=B:

Was she in daycare before the baby came?  The changes of a new baby in the house and being removed from daycare can often be a double whammy for little ones.  I know a lot of families that have found the older child much happier if they were able to remain at their daycare to keep some consistency in their life.

 I know you mentioned being home for he school year but it might be worth considering.

If you can't afford to do that maybe find some free playgroups or social interaction to take her to...if baby is easy going you can pop her in a carrier and then the older child can socialize?

I was home with her for 2 weeks before the baby was born....... She is used to alot of mommy time, so I know that is part of the problem.  I do send her to the babysitter once every 2 weeks so she still has some social time and so I can get some things done.  I feel so bad about the idea of sending her to the babysitter while I keep the baby at home.  I don't know, maybe that's something to talk to my husband about....

Don't feel bad!!!!! DS goes 3 times a week while I'm home with the baby! (eta: I'm a teacher as well). Consistency is great for our 3 year olds and lets face it- they got lots of one on one time with us, so why shouldn't baby #2?! I would definitely bump it up to 1 day every week that she goes to her sitter. DS gets so much more playtime and releases so much more energy there just because I can't possibly run around with him like the sitter can when I have the baby too.

OK, that's a possibility then. I just feel guilty about everything, which I suppose is somewhat normal. I feel bad that she is so upset and bad that I don't spend as much 1 on 1 with the baby. Maybe going to the babysitter more often will help. I also plan to start her in dance class when we come back from the beach, so that will just be "girl time."

HML5382

This sounds like my DD. For nursing, busy bags have been a life saver for me. I made up a bunch with different little activities (most of my supplies were from the dollar store) contained in ziplocks and stuck them all in a big gift bag. When it's time to feed the baby we pick one out and I set her up with it while I feed her sister. I have also taken to feeding her very much on the go. Sometimes we'll sit in DD1's bed and read books while the baby nurses or at the kitchen table while she eats her breakfast/lunch/snack or even in a lawn chair while she plays outside! I just try to make sure DD1 is somewhat occupied before I start feeding the baby.

As for the other times. I would stick to your guns with timeouts and all. I definitely think DD was testing me to see if the rules were different now. It felt like she broke every single rule we had just to test me, but it has gotten a lot better now. I also found talking to her and trying to put her feelings into words helped, after she finished her time out of course Good luck!

=Lee=B

 

I was home with her for 2 weeks before the baby was born....... She is used to alot of mommy time, so I know that is part of the problem.  I do send her to the babysitter once every 2 weeks so she still has some social time and so I can get some things done.  I feel so bad about the idea of sending her to the babysitter while I keep the baby at home.  I don't know, maybe that's something to talk to my husband about....

 

As a school teacher and prior daycare teacher I can understand how you feel about still sending her to daycare while your home. But I have seen and worked with MANY families that ended up doing this and it worked really well for everyone.

If she was happy in daycare before then she will likely really enjoy going. It is a way for her to go and be her in a familiar environment without the baby being the focus of attention.

Obviously it is hard to pay for childcare when you are at home and could provide it...but in my experience it is a worthwhile investment if you can afford to!

Plus, with time away from her yourself you will be better able to deal with the behavior issues when she is home.  With you having had a break and reacting to it better it will hopefully pass all the sooner!

Debbie0580

Suepotsy1:

doremi29:

Suepotsy1:

=Lee=B:

Was she in daycare before the baby came?  The changes of a new baby in the house and being removed from daycare can often be a double whammy for little ones.  I know a lot of families that have found the older child much happier if they were able to remain at their daycare to keep some consistency in their life.

 I know you mentioned being home for he school year but it might be worth considering.

If you can't afford to do that maybe find some free playgroups or social interaction to take her to...if baby is easy going you can pop her in a carrier and then the older child can socialize?

I was home with her for 2 weeks before the baby was born....... She is used to alot of mommy time, so I know that is part of the problem.  I do send her to the babysitter once every 2 weeks so she still has some social time and so I can get some things done.  I feel so bad about the idea of sending her to the babysitter while I keep the baby at home.  I don't know, maybe that's something to talk to my husband about....

Don't feel bad!!!!! DS goes 3 times a week while I'm home with the baby! (eta: I'm a teacher as well). Consistency is great for our 3 year olds and lets face it- they got lots of one on one time with us, so why shouldn't baby #2?! I would definitely bump it up to 1 day every week that she goes to her sitter. DS gets so much more playtime and releases so much more energy there just because I can't possibly run around with him like the sitter can when I have the baby too.

OK, that's a possibility then. I just feel guilty about everything, which I suppose is somewhat normal. I feel bad that she is so upset and bad that I don't spend as much 1 on 1 with the baby. Maybe going to the babysitter more often will help. I also plan to start her in dance class when we come back from the beach, so that will just be "girl time."

I don't post much on this board but just wanted to let you know I also send DS to daycare while I'm home with the baby. He's been going 4 days a week since she's been born and in June will start 3 days one week 2 the next. I feel guilty when he's there too, but he really does love it!!! He calls it work, so when daddy goes to work he goes to work. It's the cutest thing and he comes home with the best stories.

kgs0505

my son is 2 and we kept him in daycare. he is doing great, and it's good for my sanity as well. especially since i have twin newborns at home. so many other things have changed, we wanted something to stay consistent for him, so daycare it was.

i would really consider uping her time at the babysitters to at least 2x a week, and the days she's not do, have a schedule for her which should include time at a park, or maybe some kind of playdate, or whatever. it'll get everyone out of the house, and give her an activity for just her.

watermellens

Suepotsy1:

=Lee=B:

Was she in daycare before the baby came?  The changes of a new baby in the house and being removed from daycare can often be a double whammy for little ones.  I know a lot of families that have found the older child much happier if they were able to remain at their daycare to keep some consistency in their life.

 I know you mentioned being home for he school year but it might be worth considering.

If you can't afford to do that maybe find some free playgroups or social interaction to take her to...if baby is easy going you can pop her in a carrier and then the older child can socialize?

I was home with her for 2 weeks before the baby was born....... She is used to alot of mommy time, so I know that is part of the problem.  I do send her to the babysitter once every 2 weeks so she still has some social time and so I can get some things done.  I feel so bad about the idea of sending her to the babysitter while I keep the baby at home.  I don't know, maybe that's something to talk to my husband about....

don't feel bad...she had your undivided attention for 3 years. It's okay to let her have a few days of normalcy a week (daycare) so you can just spend time with your newbie, who gets none of your undivided attention  

I agree with the PP...favorite TV shows, a special box of activities for when you are nursing, having friends/family come and play with the baby while you do a special trip or activity with just DD. Something that might help too is to give DD some special 1:1 time just before you nurse...if she gets some time with you and then you say "mommy has to spend some time with the baby now" maybe she'd handle it better.

My son was like this the first 2-3 weeks I was at home. It was hell AND he was still in daycare 2 days a week. It got a lot better, but it's an adjustment for everyone.  Hang in there!!

jgoetz1

We went through this too.  DD is 20 months and DS is 9 weeks old.  Things are just now starting to improve a lot with DD.  We kept her in daycare 2 days a week during my maternity leave and the days she's home with me we do a stroller exercise class to get out of the house and socialize.  She loves it and it feels good to be in some kind of routine again.  I am also a teacher so am off in the summer.  She will be home with me full time at that point so I can enjoy summer with both kids before going back to full time work in the fall.  Good luck!  I'm sure with time your DD's behavior will improve too.