How do you deal... — The Bump
Secondary IF

How do you deal...

...with people who constantly ask you when you're going to have another? I'm a teacher so I get the looks (I feel like more people look at my midsection than my eyes), the frantic questions or the pestering comments, "Come on already, it's time for another!" or even permission, "Okay you've taught all my kids. You are allowed to have a baby now." I don't want to be rude and shut them down by telling them we're trying (and failing), but I don't want to lie and say we're waiting.

My friend who doesn't have any kids yet told me that she got tired of people asking her when she and her husband were going to start their family (they've been married 3 years) and she responds by saying they don't want any kids (even though it's not true). She says it shuts them up and people stop asking her. I'm afraid if I said that, the next month I'd end up pregnant and people would think that the baby was a mistake. Why do I care what people think?!?

 Any thoughts? 

DH & I: 29
TTC #1 4/2009 -  DD 2/5/10
TTC #2 since October 2011
2IF issues
7/2013 - IUI #1: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFN
8/2013 - IUI #2: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFP! Beta #1 (12 dpiui) 8/21: 45  Beta #2 (16 dpiui) 8/26: 301 Beta #3 (21 dpiui) 8/30: 1,929. 1st Ultrasound 9/4 - One perfect sac. 2nd Ultrasound 9/13 - Heartbeat at 124 bpm! Anniversary  


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Re: How do you deal...

  • I know what you mean. When we walk around with dd and people always ask do you want another? When are you making her a little brother or sister? 

    I do not like it, it always reminds me of our efforts and that they are failing. I just say we are working on it.  i think is something people think they should be asking. I do not know, but I hate it. I do not handle it well at all.

    So I do not have any suggestions for you, but just wanted to say I relate.


    Best of luck  

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • kofmkgkofmkg member

    It's been harder lately b/c it's been 2.5 years of trying.  I'm done being patient with our circumstances and at this point it's hurtful when someone who doesn't know our circumstances insists that we need another kid.

    We have a neighbor do this, several of my co-workers, and then the random people we see when we are out.  Lately I've just told them all that we can't have more kids without a doctor's help.  that usually shuts people up.

    I know they mean well and aren't trying to be rude (even if I'm hurt by the comments).  Their innocent questions don't warrant a rude response-- they are lucky to be so unaware of IF. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
    Love, luck, and prayers to my BFPB Dr. SnowflakeBride

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  • I usually get asked this at DS's daycare, which is a Catholic school, so I just say "if God wants to bless us with another child, He will." Then if people ask any further questions I usually say something like, "infertility is a very hard thing to deal with."

    Since I am older (38) fewer people seem to ask me when we are going to have another. I guess they assume that because of my age and the fact that DS is 3 we just aren't planning on having another child.

    Dx: PCOS and short luteal phase
    18 cycles (3 with our RE) - Metformin + Clomid + HCG booster did the trick!
    BFP #1 6/22/09 EDD: 3/2/10 DS born: 3/8/10

    TTC #2 since Dec 2011
    BFP #2 7/8/12 EDD: 3/18/12 M/C @ 9w1d: 8/16/12

  • It is very frustrating.  I didn't have IF with my 2 boys, so I know that I was probably one of those naive people asking others "when are you going to have another?!" and it breaks my heart to think about because who knows if I asked the wrong person and they were silently suffering.  My kids were from a previous marriage, so when I got married to my new husband (who doesn't have any children of his own) we were asked ALL the time when we were going to have one.  At first I'd just smile and say "when we're ready!".  As time went on and on I finally started saying things like "Unfortunately, it doesn't come easy for some people".  I've been fairly quiet about my IF struggles, but at the same time I want people to know about it because I didn't know anything about IF at one point.  People should be educated that maybe they shouldn't be asking those kind of questions.  Particularly to someone you barely know.  Hang in there!  
    TTC #3 (#1 for DH) since September 2011. DX: Unexplained infertility with possible cervical factor. May 2012 did clomid with IUI - BFN August 2012 IUI #2 w/ follistim/letrozole - BFN September 2012 IUI #3 w/ follistim/letrozole - BFN October 2012 IUI #4 w/ follistim/letrozole - BFN November/December 2012 IVF/ICSI #1 Retrieved 12 eggs, 8 fertilized. Transferred 1 beautiful embryo and 5 made it to freeze. Got my BFP! January 2013 u/s showed empty gestational sac. FET cycle April 2013.  Transferred 2 5 day embryos.  BFP!!!!!  2 heartbeats!!!!  EDD:  12/27/13
  • It is really hard getting those questions.  I've gotten to the point that I say, "We haven't really had any luck in that area."  People never seem to know what to say to that and they almost always immediately change the subject and never bring it up again.  And I secretly delight in making those people uncomfortable!

    Me: 42. DH: 46.

    1st Pregnancy: MC, 11/19/00.

    2nd Pregnancy: DS born 04/10/06.

    3rd Pregnancy: CP, 03/11.

    4th Pregnancy: MMC, D&C 11/30/11, Genetic testing revealed Trisomy 4.

    5th Pregnancy: Ectopic, 2 doses of Methotrexate unsuccessful, surgery 4/10/12, right tube removed.

    Tried Letrozole January 2013-July 2013 (including 2 IUIs), all BFN.  After 2 1/2 years of trying for child #2, decided to "give up" after July cycle, based on AMA.

    August 16, 2013:  BFP our first month of "not trying!"  Still in shock.  Beta #1 (14dpo): 183.  Beta #2 (17dpo):  611.  Ultrasound 8/30/13: baby measured 6 weeks, 1 day, heart rate of 118 bpm! 
    Ultrasound 9/13/13:  8 weeks, heart rate of 176!
    Baby is due 4/26/14

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    BabyFruit Ticker

  • We are in the same boat.  But like pp say, it seems like the only way to get people to stop asking is to make them feel equally uncomfortable.  Like any of the comments above ("infertility is really hard to deal with"... "we haven't had any luck in that area"...)  One of my colleagues who went through IVF as well told all their friends and family: "We are going through IVF right now, please know that it is a difficult process for us, and if we have any news to share, we will be sure to update you."  She said it worked for them.
    2nd ectopic resulted in loss of tube. HSG revealed remaining tube is "severely torqued".
    IVF #1: ER 03/29/10; ET 04/01/10: transferred 2 embies; Beta #1 (9dp3dt)- 45; Beta #2 (11dp3dt)- 91= BFP
    FET#1: ET 04/18/12: transferred 4 embies; Beta #1: >2 = BFN
    IVF #2: ER 06/20/12; ET 6/25/12: transferred 2 embies; Beta #1 on 7/5/12= BFN
    8/16: hysteroscopy for polyp removal
    11/11: hysteroscopy #2 for yet another polyp removal
    FET#2: ET 12/15/12: transferred 3 embies; Beta #1 (9dp5dt): 12/24/12: 426; Beta #2 (11dp5dt): 845= BFP
    u/s 1/9= triplets!; miscarried all three on 1/10/13...

  • MJC1116MJC1116 member
    Thanks, everyone! I feel like I have some good come-backs for those who mean well but don't know any different. You're all right, sometimes it's a person who needs to be shut down and sometimes it's just a person who truly means no harm. I appreciate your help!!
    DH & I: 29
    TTC #1 4/2009 -  DD 2/5/10
    TTC #2 since October 2011
    2IF issues
    7/2013 - IUI #1: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFN
    8/2013 - IUI #2: 50 units Follistim +  Ovidrel  = BFP! Beta #1 (12 dpiui) 8/21: 45  Beta #2 (16 dpiui) 8/26: 301 Beta #3 (21 dpiui) 8/30: 1,929. 1st Ultrasound 9/4 - One perfect sac. 2nd Ultrasound 9/13 - Heartbeat at 124 bpm! Anniversary  


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I am a teacher and totally understand how you feel.  The first time I didn't talk about IF a lot.  One of DH's friends asked all the time and I finally got to the point and said we can't.  This time around I am more open and talk about IF more.  I think I have learned more about it and want to share that it is not so easy for everyone.
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