How do you deal...

MJC1116 · April 2013

...with people who constantly ask you when you're going to have another? I'm a teacher so I get the looks (I feel like more people look at my midsection than my eyes), the frantic questions or the pestering comments, "Come on already, it's time for another!" or even permission, "Okay you've taught all my kids. You are allowed to have a baby now." I don't want to be rude and shut them down by telling them we're trying (and failing), but I don't want to lie and say we're waiting.

My friend who doesn't have any kids yet told me that she got tired of people asking her when she and her husband were going to start their family (they've been married 3 years) and she responds by saying they don't want any kids (even though it's not true). She says it shuts them up and people stop asking her. I'm afraid if I said that, the next month I'd end up pregnant and people would think that the baby was a mistake. Why do I care what people think?!?

Any thoughts?

mlamping · May 2013

I know what you mean. When we walk around with dd and people always ask do you want another? When are you making her a little brother or sister?

I do not like it, it always reminds me of our efforts and that they are failing. I just say we are working on it. i think is something people think they should be asking. I do not know, but I hate it. I do not handle it well at all.

So I do not have any suggestions for you, but just wanted to say I relate.

Best of luck

kofmkg · May 2013

It's been harder lately b/c it's been 2.5 years of trying. I'm done being patient with our circumstances and at this point it's hurtful when someone who doesn't know our circumstances insists that we need another kid.

We have a neighbor do this, several of my co-workers, and then the random people we see when we are out. Lately I've just told them all that we can't have more kids without a doctor's help. that usually shuts people up.

I know they mean well and aren't trying to be rude (even if I'm hurt by the comments). Their innocent questions don't warrant a rude response-- they are lucky to be so unaware of IF.

SigmundsGirl · May 2013

I usually get asked this at DS's daycare, which is a Catholic school, so I just say "if God wants to bless us with another child, He will." Then if people ask any further questions I usually say something like, "infertility is a very hard thing to deal with."

Since I am older (38) fewer people seem to ask me when we are going to have another. I guess they assume that because of my age and the fact that DS is 3 we just aren't planning on having another child.

kimberm0511 · May 2013

It is very frustrating. I didn't have IF with my 2 boys, so I know that I was probably one of those naive people asking others "when are you going to have another?!" and it breaks my heart to think about because who knows if I asked the wrong person and they were silently suffering. My kids were from a previous marriage, so when I got married to my new husband (who doesn't have any children of his own) we were asked ALL the time when we were going to have one. At first I'd just smile and say "when we're ready!". As time went on and on I finally started saying things like "Unfortunately, it doesn't come easy for some people". I've been fairly quiet about my IF struggles, but at the same time I want people to know about it because I didn't know anything about IF at one point. People should be educated that maybe they shouldn't be asking those kind of questions. Particularly to someone you barely know. Hang in there!

tryingyetagain · May 2013

It is really hard getting those questions. I've gotten to the point that I say, "We haven't really had any luck in that area." People never seem to know what to say to that and they almost always immediately change the subject and never bring it up again. And I secretly delight in making those people uncomfortable!

mama_cito95 · May 2013

We are in the same boat. But like pp say, it seems like the only way to get people to stop asking is to make them feel equally uncomfortable. Like any of the comments above ("infertility is really hard to deal with"... "we haven't had any luck in that area"...) One of my colleagues who went through IVF as well told all their friends and family: "We are going through IVF right now, please know that it is a difficult process for us, and if we have any news to share, we will be sure to update you." She said it worked for them.

MJC1116 · May 2013

Thanks, everyone! I feel like I have some good come-backs for those who mean well but don't know any different. You're all right, sometimes it's a person who needs to be shut down and sometimes it's just a person who truly means no harm. I appreciate your help!!

slstine19 · May 2013

I am a teacher and totally understand how you feel. The first time I didn't talk about IF a lot. One of DH's friends asked all the time and I finally got to the point and said we can't. This time around I am more open and talk about IF more. I think I have learned more about it and want to share that it is not so easy for everyone.

How do you deal...

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