Sad... Parenting Styles?

spainy17

Ugh, you guys, I am feeling really mixed up and want some opinions.  DD is almost 4 months now and I went back to work this week.  She has been having issues with bottles so we put the in-home daycare on hold for the time being and my mom, MIL and DH are going to tag team to watch her when I work (evening shift). 

Well, me and my mother tend towards the attachment parenting style (you can't spoil a baby, tend to her every need, etc.) where my DH and his mom are believers in CIO, independence, etc. 

Tonight MIL and DH were home with DD when I went to work.  DH then talked about how they put DD down to play alone with her toys while they sat on the couch.  When she started to fuss, DH said he started to get up and MIL said "don't, she needs to learn that people don't come running every time she fusses."  This really bothers me.  I kind of understand where they are coming from with CIO with sleep training because they need to learn to self soothe somehow, but why should a 4 month old have to play alone on the floor?  Or why should she need to learn that no one will come when she cries?  I just don't agree with that and when I voice it my DH gets defensive.  I know DD won't die if she plays alone or cries it out a few evenings when I am at work and that she would not get full attention from daycare either but I still feel a little sick about it.  What do you think?  Am I being a spazzy FTM and baby will be fine?  Should I say something?  Let it go?  I mean, her basic needs were met so is that good enough to expect? 

ta78

It depends if she is fussing a little or crying I guess. But really I would talk to your DH about how you're to comfortable w that and she is too young. Maybe then he can talk to his mom. They should respect how you want it handled next time.

MelissaRae1525

During this time babies build trust that their needs will be met. If she was fussy for a second then okay, that's one thing. But to let her cry a long period of time is damaging at this age. Babies cry because they need something, even if it's just touch and comfort.

sbevmc09

No, I don't think you're being a spaz.  It's important that you feel your child is getting good care when you can't be there.  I think it's important for you to communicate effectively with her other care providers (whether that be your H, other family members, a paid caregiver, etc.) and make sure that you're all on the same page with how your LO is being cared for.  I don't necessarily feel that they should have to bend to your will (especially when it comes to your H), but your opinion should be heard just like theirs and then a decision should be made on how to move forward.  I would not at all be okay with someone allowing my baby to cry or trying to sleep train them, etc.  This is something you need to talk out with them and make sure that you're all on the same page. 

Carlysolo

Talk about hitting the nail on the head!!!

 

My DH and MIL are the SAME exact way... where I run at every noise, I don't believe you can spoil a baby, I actually know from my degree that comforting a baby, and not letting them cry helps their self esteem and secure attachment styles.... anyways, I talked to my DH privately, told him how strongly I felt, and that I will not leave her alone with him or MIL if they don't do it my way. I am mom, I say what goes. Honestly, it was a really good conversation, he is on my side, and although he still tells me i spoil her, he doesn't let her cry anymore either

zonagirlie

Carlysolo:

Talk about hitting the nail on the head!!! nbsp;My DH and MIL are the SAME exact way... where I run at every noise, I don't believe you can spoil a baby, I actually know from my degree that comforting a baby, and not letting them cry helps their self esteem and secure attachment styles.... anyways, I talked to my DH privately, told him how strongly I felt, and that I will not leave her alone with him or MIL if they don't do it my way. I am mom, I say what goes. Honestly, it was a really good conversation, he is on my side, and although he still tells me i spoil her, he doesn't let her cry anymore either

This. I would not leave them alone with my kid if they couldn't respec my wishes. I also have a degree in human development and know what pp said is scientific fact. CIO only works for older at least six months old kids. Your four month old does not think "oh no one is coming. Ill take care of me. I'm an independent baby." Fussing is one thing but crying is a very different matter.
Everything I got from the hospital about adjusting to a new baby said "If they cry pick them up. You can't spoil a baby."
Good luck!

aklawrence1

To be honest, sometimes the only way I can get anything done is when DD plays on her activity mat, because she hates most everything else. So sometimes I leave her to play alone, even though I can see her, I'm not in the floor playing with her.
As far as fussing goes, DD sometimes fusses for several minutes before I can grab her. I would never let her full on cry like that, but I think slight fussing is okay.

janecanadian

You need to decide what you are comfortable with and then have a conversation alone with DH.   But do remember that if baby fusses a little while left to play on her own, she will be fine.  Just imagine if you someday have 2, 3 or even 4 kids, chances are that at some point everyone will be screaming but you can't attend to all of them at the same time and yet kids from larger families still grow up to be wonderful people.

mistd78

I think you are totally justified in your concerns.  You are the mom, and this is your child, if MIL can't understand that maybe she needs to not be watching LO.  As for DH, my DH and I are on the same page, we let her fuss a little then once she starts crying then we check on her, soothe her and make sure she is ok.  Again, you can't spoil a baby, and yes they need to soothe themselves, but they also need to know that if they are upset, hungry, need diaper change or just physical contact that their needs will be met.  You can NOT spoil a baby.  They are learning that they can rely on you to be there.  I would sit down with DH and explain that you are not comfortable with their style, and want him to listen to what your concerns are.  Yes her basic needs are met, but that's not what you want her to learn about her daddy is that he provides basic needs and that is all.  Good luck.

bstengler

ta78:

It depends if she is fussing a little or crying I guess. But really I would talk to your DH about how you're to comfortable w that and she is too young. Maybe then he can talk to his mom. They should respect how you want it handled next time.

totally agree.

this decaf life

I agree with PP that there is a difference between fussing + crying. I will let DD fuss for quite some time if I know she's full + clean but I try to react to her quickly if she cries. I think it's important for her to learn to "entertain herself" because I can't and won't always be there for her immediately but I think at this age if she's crying it's because she actually needs something.

But... to each their own! If you're against letting her fuss then I think everyone should be reacting to her in the same/similar way.