Blended Families
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BAITERS
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OMG. I am watching Oprah's LIfeclass tonite. Anyone else see this?
XH, XSD, and XSS are baiters.
And Oprah and Dr Phil said what I've said a lot of lately the past couple of years. There are two kinds of people in this world: Takers and Givers. Which one are you?
This one is so hitting home.
I'm just glad that the baiters in my life are now in my past.
"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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Re: BAITERS
Here's a synapsis from Dr. Phil
?I call these people BAITERs: Back stabbers, abusers, imposters, takers and reckless,? Dr. Phil says. ?They are people that will sell a patient fake medicine and are just being reckless with life itself.?
?One of the things I want to do is teach people how to spot these folks coming and how to understand specifically how they do what they do,? Dr. Phil says.
Detect a BAITER by noticing these telling characteristics:
The Evil 8
1. See the world through a lens of entitlement.
2. Lack of empathy.
3. Incapable of feeling remorse or guilt.
4. Self-destructive behavior.
5. Feed off drama and crises.
6. Try to brag and outsmart you.
7. Have short-lived relationships.
8. Have delusions.
The Nefarious 15
1. They infiltrate your life with promises and flattery.
2. Define you as a conspiratorial confidant.
3. Are focused on getting your approval.
4. They gather data to build a file on you.
5. Misdirect and maintain a mystery about who they really are.
6. Constantly blame others when confronted.
7. They will lie to the point of destruction.
8. Tendency to cheat and steal.
9. Isolate their victims to foster dependency.
10. Abuse positions of power.
11. Know your hot buttons to gain leverage.
12. Selective memory.
13. Two-faced: Spread lies and gossip.
14. Paranoid.
15. Passive aggressive.
Here's the thing J you are still enmeshed with that family for as long as you give them head space. Stop trying to diagnose them! It no longer matters to you if they are serial killers.
You need to focus on yourself. If you are looking outside for answers you are looking in the wrong place.
Let it go, let them go, focus on you and you will start to heal. You deserve it!
Phantom - I'm working on that. As my counselor has told me, it's going to take time. Right now we're working on my calming myself in order to deal with XH and my anger and resentment toward the past 6 years a little better. XSD and XSS are pretty much a non issue for me anymore. The only thing I struggle with is I fear they will take advantage and try to manipulate DD at some point. I can guarantee they will at some point. I will deal with that by teaching DD how to avoid and run from people like that in general. Other than that, I only thought of them when I watched the show. They are takers and Baiters too.
There is a part two which probably runs next week. I consider this education for myself so that I don't make the same mistake, and I learn how to deal with XH better.
Kali - that would make complete sense because I believe XH is narcisstic.
In the show, a lady tweeted, "Dammit. I think I've been baited." Oprah laughed at that. I did too, because that's my same damn reaction.
It all became SO clear watching this show. So clear. And I feel better because it is also apparently I'm not the only sucker. There's lots of us who get sucked in by these people, and I know now that it's okay to say no to them.
In reading through the first 8 characteristics, many of them remind me of SD1 and a few in the 15 characteristics, but not all. I am counting myself as very fortunate to have to think hard to see if i know people with these characteristics. My ex boyfriend right after my separation probably fits the bill for the first 8.
Do they have all of these points or just a majority? I'll have to see if I can find the episode online, this is very interesting.
It's an acronym he coined and the basis of his new book. He's plugging it big time!!
Dr Phil stated that they don't necessarily have to fit it exactly and they can vary. He used the Boston Bombers as an extreme and individuals can be anywhere to that degree, or a lesser degree could be like a high shool bully. He says that we all at one point or another exhibit a trait or two, but baiters are people who consistently behave this way.
The traits in the acronym are common attributes. The Nefarious 15 are how they tend operate on a regular basis.
Thanks for the explanation. I just now realized that BAITERS was an acronym. Duh
I have followed the later part of your story over the last 8-10 months or so, and I am sorry you have had to deal with this kind personality on a regular basis. I think when I first started reading on here you were dealing with regular contact from SD and it sounded awful. I'm happy for you that you are moving on from that part of your life.
It's been over a year since I've talked to SD and SS and I don't miss them one bit.
XH is another issue. I swear he calls me just as much as when we were married. I ignore 75% of his calls.
I can not wait for him to get a new target to bait.
I hope he finds another target soon.
When my (BAITER) Ex BF and I broke up it took me months and months to completely break it off with him and get him to stop randomly texting me about nonsense and commenting on my FB page. Part of it was my fault because I have never been one to completely cut off all contact with anyone that I have broken up with, but it was really something I needed to do with him.
I know you can't do that because you have DD together, but ignoring as many of his calls as you can is the best thing you can do if he is just trying to stay engaged with you. Any tiny window of opportunity for him to reach out to me he did, and it was really frustrating and prolonged things.
My DH (BF at the time) was pretty understanding about it, he was in my life as a friend for most of my relationship with Ex BF so he knew all of the drama and the way he could be. He told me that needed to be the one to make that break from Ex BF, he knew I would never get back with him, but that I was acting like an abused spouse that kept forgiving and going back, and he wanted me to be the one to cut ties with Ex BF, not do it because he told me to. I think once we had that conversation it opened my eyes even more to how dysfunctional we were, and I was able to stop it.
Believe it or not, he still texts me occasionally, but it's more like 2 times a year now, and it's to tell me something like his dad is having heart surgery, or it's the anniversary of somebody's death that we knew.
Same here... To a T.
Same here... To a T.
Wendi - a audience member stood up and asked about family like this and just as I have told XSD before, Dr. Phil and Oprah both told her in so many words that just because they are family, does not mean that you have to put up with their crap.
Dr. Phil said that there is no rule that the universe has put on us that we have to allow family to treat us badly just because we share DNA.
He said, "you can call me a %^&*@!, but you'll be doing it at a distance."
I loved that. And that's how I feel about them all and anyone else like that, that may try to infiltrate my life.
That sounds familiar.
Yes, the clean and sober, responsible one is the bad guy. Not the addict who can't get their life in order and puts it all on their family and friends.
How much of that is addiction tho? If she got clean, would she be a baiter?