I wasn't going to x-post this, but some of you know our story so well

CaptainSerious

that I thought you might be able to give me good advice.

Aside from ignoring, how do I deal with my dad's concern?

Ever since I told my father about M's fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, he's convinced I'm languishing in some deep whole of depression and that I lack any perspective regarding M's potential.  He spends all his time pointing out all of M's strengths and giving me lectures on how he will be just fine because he is loved.  His latest explanation for why he feels I need him to uplift me is because the last time we spoke about M, I mentioned that we have to prepare for the possibility that he may never live on his own (This only came up because we are currently looking for the "dream house" that we intend to stay in for most the rest of our lives, and, in response to my mother's suggestion that once the boys move out we won't need such a big place, we mentioned that we want it to be able to accommodate the possibility of M living with us as an adult.).

I've tried explaining that I am not depressed, but that, when we initially got the news and sometimes at random moments now still, I did/do mourn the loss of the future I envisioned for us.  I am saddened that we most likely will never have a typical mother-adult son relationship, but I love my son and delight in him every day.  When he or my mother tell me that we don't know how he may change or things may just come together and "click" for him sometime in the future, I also explain that my son's actual diagnosis, static encephalopathy (alcohol exposed), translates into "permanent, unchanging brain damage" and therefore, it is not internalizing the worst-case scenario for us to be planning for the possibility that our son may not be capable of living independently as an adult.

Yet still, my father insists of using most of our time together to dwell on this topic.  It's tiring, and while I know it comes from a caring and loving place, it's upsetting to me that my parents, who are among a very small handful of people who know of M's diagnosis, don't understand either the severity of it or my reactions to it.

My father even suggested that the fact that I "saved" M from a life of poverty with very few opportunities and gave him a loving home and lots of supports and therapies should take away any sadness I feel over the situation.  I reminded him that I did not adopt to save my children and explained that no one would ever suggest such a thing if he were my biological child and was diagnosed with a similarly severe and unforeseen condition, and that my sadness and disappointment in the situation are no different than a parent in that situation.

I have decided to try to ignore my father's attempts, but I know this is bound to come up again.  I feel he's dismissive of what we're going through, yet at the same time, he's trying to reach out to me.  I wish I knew how to articulate to him that his best support could be in understanding that I'm not blowing things out of proportion, but that even with all our difficulties, we are so happy as a family and in love.  He did ask me what I would prefer to him "trying to make me see there is hope," and I didn't know what to say to him. 

Dr.Loretta

I'm going to ramble, so bear with me. Some things I might consider are:

-Having your dad talk to a/your doctor to get a 3rd party perspective on M's diagnosis and potential

-Having him read Welcome to Holland to see a different perspective

IRR

CS -   I do think it is terrific that you dad is being supportive and hopeful and perhaps you are more of a realist than he is but that is not always a bad thing.  I love that he points out the positives and it tells me your parents were awes

mtendere

What a tough situation. Maybe writing a letter with a lot of what you've said here would be helpful. You can lay it all out without having to deal with the defensiveness and then invite him to talk with you after he's read it. And as far as what to do, le

MagickalNarwhal

It's possible that he's actually trying to talk himself out of difficult feelings, not you. He is being dismissive. Maybe he's having a hard time with it. Maybe he is being "parental" and trying to protect you from difficult feelings. I know you have t

Dr.Loretta

MagickalNarwhal:

 

When I've been on the receiving end of unhelpful "look-on-the-bright-side!" pollyanna-ing, I've

silliestbunny

It's hard to give advice not knowing your dad but....

 He sounds typical male and wants to "fix" the problem.  It may help you to keep perspective if this is his natural response... to fix things.  This may be how he copes with lif

fireflychaser

MagickalNarwhal:

It's possible that he's actually trying to talk himself out of difficult feelings, not you. He is being dismi

IRR

Dr.Loretta:

 This is a really good perspective. My mom is a "fixer", and at times I've had

CaptainSerious

Thanks, everyone.  I think you are onto something with him wanting to fix things, and possibly even that he is processing through his own emotions and possibly attributing them to me.

Unfortunately, my father is in some ways still very much