Advice on family taking sides?

CurlieWhirlie

Hi guys, I've been lurking here for a few weeks, but I used to be (under a different username) pretty active on the baby boards. Now I'm looking for a little BF advice.

My SO fits a pretty common description -- married his high school sweetheart too young, they didn't know themselves well enough yet, had kids, realized they didn't have much in common, tried to work on things and stick it out, made themselves miserable for a few extra years, and finally he called it quits. He's a modern guy, a super-involved and supportive dad, but his ex puts up a lot of road blocks to him seeing his kids because she's still mad, and hurt, and not self-aware enough to see that she's using the kids to hurt him. It sucks. 

 Anyway, the part I wanted advice on is not his relationship with her, it's with his family. His parents have chosen a side in the divorce -- hers. And it has been really hard on him. They invite her to family events and ignore him, or call him as an afterthought. He gets his kids EOWE but he wants them 50%. He doesn't want to fight over it, so he tries to work toward an amicable agreement for the good of the kids, but she feels validated in her position of power by his parents, who tell her she's right, and he's wrong. And by the way, they've been separated for 15 years, and his dad has lived with his girlfriend for 10 (just saying, who are they to judge?)

 Does anyone else have experience with this? Any advice on helping bring them around, or at least helping him get over their non-support? I can't even comprehend how it must make him feel, I would be livid if my parents supported my ex and not me. As it is, they support both me and my ex, which is great because we have a good relationship, but if we didn't I would expect them to be on MY side! Right? 

  

 

bebe11

Sounds like your SO needs to sit down and talk to his family.  My husband's family is still close to his ex-wife,(and that marriage ended because she cheated).  They stay friendly for the sake of my SS.  I've had some issues in the past with my MIL and the ex-wife - but I kind of got to the point where I stopped caring what they do and say (about me).

fellesferie

Just a few questions/comments from reading your post-

Has he discussed this with his family? 

It's possible that they aren't taking her side, they're taking the kids side. And since she has the kids the majority of the time, they want to maintain that connection. 

If he wants 50/50, then he needs to fight for it. It's really easy to SAY you want it, but that's meaningless--especially to the kids--if you don't do anything.

--

My xMIL has made a point to stay in touch with me since I am her grandson's custodial parent. We are FB friends, and she always gives me a hug when she sees me. We sometimes exchange cookies around the holidays, and they brought gifts for DD (she's from my current marriage) when she was born. When XH and I split, she was against it--she begged me not to file for divorce and to wait for him to come around. But I've never interpreted it as her being on 'my side.' She just wants to make sure she gets to stay in her grandson's life.  

And it works. Because even if XH fell off the planet tomorrow, I would still make sure DS got to spend time with that side of his family.  

Wahoo

I would also question whether or not your ILS are on exWs side or just want to see the children.  If the two of them split "because we were too young and grew apart...." there is no reason to choose sides (which makes me question how mature your SO really is about all of this).  I am still friendly (FB, xmas cards, occasional phone call) with both of BILs ex-wifes, as well as BIL and his current gf.   

I can see one way your SO can put an end to their actions - if he is invited as an afterthought to a family party and it's HIS weekend with the kids - he doesn't have to change his plans to attend.  Ditto if he arrives with the children in tow and his family is rude to him - he can just pack up and leave.  Not in an angry 'in your face" way, just "well, it was nice stopping by, we have plans for the rest of the afternoon."

As far as 50% custody, he has to be willing to fight for it.  His ex is putting up roadblocks even for the EOW custody - do you think she'll roll over and give him 50%, lessening her bargaining power, and possibly reducing her child support?  Don't count on it.  Particularly if your SO has someone special (you) in his life. That will only fuel her feelings of hurt.

 

Nineoceans

I'm sorry we have something similar and it is a terrible situation. My ILs are closer to Bm's other kids than our son. Their choice, their loss.

What I've found out over the past year we have been estranged from them is that A LOT of people have terrible parent situations. Just mention your story and you always get two back about a similar issue. Sad but true

It's not your SO's fault. What he can do is connect to the people who love and support him like friends, your family, coworkers and church. If they're so warped that they don't see this as an attack on him, nothing he will be able to say to them will change their opinion. Sorry you're dealing with this

MrsBPO

If this was Facebook, I would LIKE fellesfaerie and wahoo's posts so hard.  I couldn't have said it better.

I have custody (and am adopting) my granddaughters.  Ex just takes things with the flow but his wife, to whom I was nothing but curse words for many years, now talks to me and has friended me on FB so we can arrange monthly visition with the girls so she and they can maintain contact.  It's a KID thing, not a favored DIL over son thing.

CurlieWhirlie

Thanks for the advice, everyone. After reading your responses, I think the situation is a little bit of the "it's a kid thing" and a little bit of the "disapproving of his choice to end the marriage" thing. But it's given me a new perspective -- given that he doesn't have a close relationship with his parents, they may not know his side as well as they know his ex's, so they may not know that she is actively trying to prevent him from getting more time with the kids (he is fighting for more time, FYI, he's just trying to do it without going to court, because he doesn't want her to feel threatened). And it may be that they will always disapprove of his choice to end the marriage, but he'll never get their support unless he talks with them openly. They may think that the ex is the custodial parent by his choice, and therefore want to maintain that relationship because of the kids, like some of you said. Makes sense if they don't know the whole story. 

And for what it's worth, I don't think that the love of a parent for a child should be contingent on whether or not they agree with everything the child does. At least that's not how it works in my family. I may think you're wrong, but I still love and support you (while loudly telling you I think you're wrong, probably).

Anyway, thanks for the new perspective, so helpful!