First baby and live out of state

cosoonmom2b

I need some advice please. My DH and I live in another state from both our families. After reading the Lemon Clot essay, and doing much thinking, I'm not sure when to allow our families to visit when baby is born. I would love them at the hospital but would also love time alone when we go home to bond with our baby. My MIL is very pushy and the last thing I want to deal with is her telling me how to care for my child when my hormones are going crazy. I understand some help will be nice but not sure I can deal with her right away. My mom has been my best friend my entire life so I want her here but i'm afraid i can't 'have me cake and eat it too' so to speak. Has anyone else been in this position and what is your advice? I want our families to know our wishes ahead of time.  

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aesf

Things change in the blink of an eye.

My MIL passed away last August.

2 years ago I had both mil and mom visit as soon as the baby an I were cleaned up. My mil was a pushy lady but she always had people's best interest at heart. I was nervous. She and my mom came over everyday for a couple weeks. I actually loved having them there for advice and help. I was very nervous about both of them but it turned out amazing.

But I know how to say no. I also know how to say no to mh when he takes his parents side. I don't mean that rudely I just mean to acknowledge that yes it worked for me but I don't have trouble standing up to my mil and mom.

tittytwistertortoises

If I could do it again I would just have DH at the hospital. He was amazing and I didn't really need my mom or sister in the room with me. I did like how my sister took all the pictures and they turned out great. My mom and I are close but she drove me nuts in the room. Nothing in particular just one of those mom things that bugs. Mil and Fil waited in the waiting room ,we waited to tell them I was in labor and told them to stay at home until I had the baby, but they came anyways.
I wish DH and I had more time alone with baby. Also, family came and visited the day after in the hospital and on the weekend when we got home. That was WAY too many visitors. I had issues BF and the last thing I needed was people telling me what to do, especially mom and mil. Plus it's been 30 years since they have had kids and rules have changed. The look I got or comments when I said that something wasn't practiced that way anymore, drove me nuts.
I am super close to my family and DHs family but hormones and the newness of everything, I was constantly annoyed by them.
With this baby, it will be just DH and I. Someone will bring DS to visit at the hospital and then everyone else will need to wait until we are ready!

SaraSKC

I haven't been in that position, but my brother and SIL lived a VERY long couple of flights away in London when my niece was born. (Our family lives in Illinois, SIL's family lives in Arizona.) She was the first born grandchild for all parties (4 groups of grandparents due to divorces). SIL's mom got the first visit. I'm sure my mom was a bit disappointed but she understood. This is about parent comfort and baby's needs, not grandparent feelings. The rest of the family gets plenty of Skype time and is thrilled when they do get to visit.

cosoonmom2b

Suhey1983:

All the advice I can offer is have your mom there. Now are you a FTM? You will need some help because you can get overwhelmed, its hard. It's your choose and don't feel pressured on your decision.

yes, me and DH are first time parents. Thank you all for the advice....this is a tough decision to make!  

daileym

I had no idea what the lemon clot essay was so I googled. Completely ridiculous. I never had a lemon sized clot come out of me, my father in law never oogled my bare naked breasts and no one expected me to wait on them. That was very dramatic and not the case for how my family treated me. 

I think it depends on your housing situation. If you have a large house, multiple bathrooms and a guest bedroom I would have them stay with you. If not, I would have no problem asking them to stay at a hotel. Since they are both out of state, you could consider asking your parents to come the week the baby is born and your in-laws the week after that.  That way you have two weeks of help, and each set of grandparents won't step on each other's toes. In my experience my mom and mother-in-law were very helpful. They did dishes, fed and walked the dog, made all the meals, ran to the store and it was so nice to be able to hand the baby off for a moment and go take a hot shower! I missed them when they were gone. Everyone was overly respectful and understanding.  

SweetPeaK26

I loved having both my mom and mil around. Things were different with dd1 with the NICU thing, but ILs came down as I was in labor, and stated for ten days. I really appreciated the extra arms so I could shower, nap, eat etc. if I needed a few alone minutes, I just said that I was going to lay down and nurse baby.

I liked having everyone around. My mil can be a bit tough to handle at times, but the good outweighed the bad.

angie244

Maybe you could have them "stagger" their visits as a means to always have someone to help you. Like tell your MIL that someone can make it sometime in the first week so maybe she can come the second week..will give you some time before she arrives. Besides you can have no one at first bc no one knows when baby will come..well unless you have a scheduled birth but they don't have to know that..so really you could have a week alone before anyone could make travel plans to get to you if you wanted.

A37licia

I think the mother's mother has the prerogative to come when her daughter wishes, and if you want her to come be there and help after, she's the first one in line to be able to do that, imo.

If you want time alone, then you're going to have to decline any hospital company, because it's not very polite to invite everyone to town then keep them away when you get home. Plus, I just really don't care for multiple out of town visitors so soon after having a baby, and your mom will certainly treasure that time with you.  I'd invite MIL to come (would she stay with you and help?) when baby is about 3w to a month old. If FIL comes too, then do it closer to a month or more so that you're well healed and established with nursing, etc (I personally feel more comfortable having my FIL, whom I love dearly, come later on). If your mom stays a couple of weeks (wonderful!) you might enjoy a few days by yourself before MIL comes, so plan that in. 

Also, keep in mind that you don't have to do it the same with all your kids, but this is the first, and if you allow them to all come when you don't really want the too, then they might insert themselves again when you have another baby. Setting up the boundaries now in general between you as parents and them as in law is important. 

I'm more private with some things, and only wanted to share the birth itself with DH. That was the case for the first two. For our third this fall, I did invite my mom to come to our house for the home birth and I told her I'd decide that day if I'd have her come in for the birth or come upstairs right after (or we'd wake her up right after or something).  MIL was DYING to be at the birth of her first grandchild 4 years ago, but we said no, sorry, we are not having any family in the room or hovering in the waiting room. She was disappointed, but respected it, which we appreciated. For our second, she came around a month, and this one, it may be the same.

 

kdv77

This is what we did and I still felt like there were too many people and opinions close by: 

Just me, DH, and doula at the birth. My parents and grandma drove to the hospital in the morning and stayed with us for 3 days, then went home to give us alone time as a family. They came back a week later when DH had to go back to work. Then, my in laws came for visits. My MIL welcomed herself for 3 weeks while my DH was out of town and it made me batty.

For me it was important to have alone time and do things my way. I was set on BFing, etc and my grandma who had flown down from OOT have me a lot of grief for feeding her every time she cried telling me I needed to wait x amount of time. I'm not good with confrontation and just like to be left alone to do my thing. My MIL liked to share her opinions as well. So, consider your personality and the personality of those who will be visiting. My mom was an amazing help, the others not so much. Don't be afraid to request alone time for a bit if you prefer, but the help is nice if they don't get in your way. 

This time, we're giving birth in a different country, so having family is not an option. I'm going to miss not having my mom, but I think I will actually really enjoy the privacy.