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awesomenus1341
member
Question for those who get SK's EOWE
awesomenus1341
member
What do you guys do for activities with your SKs? We live about 2hrs away from SS, and when we get him, we are constantly doing things all around the metroplex that we live in. However, he is getting to the age (turning 4 this month) that, if he were living with us, we would be looking at things like gymnastics or t-ball or some other socialization group. He lives in the country, BM has pulled him out of daycare, she is not working (that we know of) so her only source of income is the CS we send every 2 weeks, so she isn't signing him up for anything extra, and he isn't even getting the daycare interaction. I feel like he really needs to have something going on besides just being with adults all the time. Since he has been pulled out of daycare, he has been lying more, pitching fits anytime he is disciplined, and today, he outright punched a kid when we took him to the bounce house. I feel like the lack of structure at BM's house, plus not ever having to share, getting what he wants as soon as he wants it, and not having the group structure of daycare (his was a very nice daycare/more like preschool set up), is all building up into a spoiled, entitled, little brat.
I am a big believer in team sports/activities. I feel like it teaches so many life lessons and great skills to children. We are also hoping to find something that would allow SS to make some friends near us. Our neighborhood has a ton of kids, but all much older than SS. We were trying to plan a party for SS's birthday and realized that, other than 1 cousin, he has no one his age to play with. He doesn't really care right now, but I would like to get him involved in something to meet more kids his age and learn some of those group skills, plus, as he gets older, those friends will become more important. What do your SK's do? Things like sports leagues have weekly practices that he wouldn't be at, and he would miss every other game. Same goes for most classes, although we are considering gymnastics, where at this age, they mostly just play around and get some of that energy out. Any suggestions?
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Re: Question for those who get SK's EOWE
Also it's not a teacher or coaches job too parent your child. YOU can teach him to share etc.
You are extremely judgemental of his BM. That's one thing from your post that I would say IS going to work against your SS.
I agree with this. If BM can't afford it,and YH thinks its important he should talk to her about it. If she agrees to take him to whatever activity you guys decide on you guys could enroll him. I don't think its feasible to put him in anything during your time if it's only EOWE.
You can sign him up for an activity that only meets on the weekends. Especially at his age it's completely doable, they're not doing two-a-days yet! You just have to do a little research and worry a little less about judging and throwing blame on BM.
DS goes to karate and while he does go during the week as well, there are plenty of kids who only go to Saturday practice. Martial Arts starts at 4 years old at most places and it's an excellent activity to help teach discipline, following rules, being respectful...etc.
My local park also has soccer and tennis practices on the weekends only. Look into your local City park org or YMCA or just get out the good ole yellow pages and look into a Martial Arts studio. There should be plenty of options, since you seem like you live in a city.
If you guys think he would benefit from a part time preschool, pay for it. It's not essential or mandatory to send your kid to a preschool, but if your H wants his son to get more exposure to a school setting, make it happen on your dime.
Ok, I've re-read my post several times before responding. I was not intending to flame BM, but I could see how it came out that way. BM has not always been the easiest to work with, and I am sure she would say the same about us. But a lot has improved in the last 9 months or so, and while we don't always agree, we are on decent terms. That being said, I was trying to explain the situation. BM and SS live way out in the country. Due to her current work situation, all CS is going towards paying bills, whereas it used to cover all of daycare. She is doing her best to make ends meet, but it is not feasible for her to put SS in daycare right now, and they don't have many activities for young kids where she lives, she is about a 45min drive from the closest city. There are 3 children (10, 4, and a 3 week old preemie) and 4 adults living in close quarters. As well, with the large age range, there are different expectations with each child and there is not much interaction between them (obviously the preemie isn't playing around, and the 10 year old is rarely at home, she is usually out with her school friends). We do not have control of what happens in her home. SS is not being harmed, he is loved, there is no abuse or neglect or anything else. Their home is just very chaotic, and the situation isn't one that will likely change any time soon.
I am well aware of how 4 year olds behave. This last year has been trying with SS establishing his independence, and yes, like most toddlers, he thinks the world revolves around him. My point with the spoiled brat comment is that in the last 3 months, I have seen a marked difference in the way he interacts with other kids. There is a difference between wanting to be first or arguing over who is taller, and a kid that consistently shoves everyone out of the way, hits when he doesn't get his way, etc.. We teach him to share and take turns as best we can with being 2 adults and a kid, but there is also a difference in having to share with adults and sharing with other kids. I do not expect a teacher or coach to discipline him, but I think there is also something to be said for a group environment where kids learn how everyone is important to the group, they form friendships, etc.. Plus, saying "We don't hit people," or "We need to take turns" only goes so far when he still isn't around any other kids to have to practice those behaviors. We have discussed our concerns with BM who states that she has also recently had similar problems with SS and we are all trying to come up with ideas for a solution. I don't think all kids have to go to daycare or preschool, but I do feel like some interaction with other kids would be good for SS and since he is no longer involved in anything like that, we are looking for another option for socialization.
DH and I have discussed this, and we are on the same page. This is why I originally posted, because we would like to get him in an activity, where he can make friends on this side of town, and be a part of a group. He won't be going to school here, so it would be nice if he had a group of friends that he can kind of grow up with here too. I really appreciate the suggestions, we had actually talked about martial arts, but I didn't realize it started so young. We will have to check in our area for that and the YMCA leagues as well. We are not really involved in a church around here, but we have talked some about things like VBS this summer with SS and things such as swim lessons when he is here for an entire month. Thank you all for your help!
While I agree that 4 year olds can be pretty outrageous, I also think that it's a very critical age (3-5 or so) that they really need to be taught how to share, be encouraged to talk about their feelings and have situations explained to them. That being said, DH and I have learned the hard way that no matter how hard you try, your 4 or so days a month don't really do much to BM's 26 or so days a month when it comes to discipline, schedule, or much of anything else.
Were in a similar situation. SD is an only child at BM's house but has a sister 3 years younger than her and now a sister that will be 5 years younger than her due any day so not the best playmates. She had a hard time adjusting to having a baby sister and we've really had to work hard with DH and BM getting on the same page with discipline and consistency at both houses. This might be the first step, to try and communicate with BM about what's going on with SS and see how you can work together for him.
As far as activities, that's a really tough situation being so far apart. I think the YMCA would be a great place to start, you could check out Craigslist also, in my area there are several moms that want to get together for play dates and that could become a great way for you and him to make friends! You could also look into places that have Saturday classes, karate or gymnastics or whatever, and see if there's any way they could work with him only being able to come to 2 classes a month.
I didn't want to respond originally but now I do. Kudos to you for your response!
I used to have an alternating weekend schedule for my DS. It was hard for the same reasons you state... how do you do activities on the weekend? I think gymnastics would be great. My son is doing that and the classes do not build on each other. If you go every other week he wouldn't miss anything. I know one family where we go that goes every other week and only pays for the classes they go to.
You could also look for mom's groups so you could do play dates with other kids. I did that when I moved and have made a lot of friends. Also look into free or unscheduled activities. Things like open gym at gymnastic or sports centers, story time at the library, indoor play areas, open hours at a bounce house place, etc. Those are free or pay per day and would offer socialization.
Not all kids are ready for organized team sports at that age.
I would look at Gymboree.
To go from EOWE to full custody I think she would need quite a bit more than BMs home is chaotic and she isn't disciplining him enough. BM just had a baby, a premature baby, of course its a little chaotic there right now. Not a good enough reason at all to make such a huge change in custody.
Based on her multiple responses there is not one indication that she or her DH have any desire to have SS full time. From what I read it sounds like they like their EOW arrangement and just want SS involved in some activities. Going for a change in custody arrangements is a long process and really has to have a solid foundation. I wouldn't be suggestive of taking a child away from his or her siblings and the home they know just because of a perceived idea of what the environment is like.
I think the bolded is a great idea. Check out meetups.com for some in your area
Just FYI, there is a big difference between a person getting custody when there hasn't already been a custody arrangement and a NCP getting the custody arrangement changed from EOWE to full custody. In order to change custody, you usually need to show that the other parent is unfit in some way (courts like stability for the children and don't take these major changes lightly). That is a very different legal standard than a court looking at a newly divorced couple to determine who would provide the better home.
Thank you to everyone for all the suggestions, ya'll came up with a lot more than had even crossed my mind and I really appreciate it.
And FWIW, SS has no siblings. The 10 year old is his cousin (his uncle is one of the 4 adults in the house), and the preemie is, as he calls it, his "uncle baby," his grandparents child (the other 2 adults living in the house). Each parent/set of parents parents their own respective child, with some general household expectations. I do think the preemie is somewhat affecting his behavior, but this all started a few months before the baby's arrival. He is disciplined by his mother, and I was actually shocked and proud of our first true steps at Co-parenting this weekend when she stepped in on the exact same page as us towards SS after he punched a kid at the bounce house we took him to. Her house is just more chaotic, and she is as consistent as she can be, but there are 4 adults there with different tolerance levels for bad behavior.
On the comment about custody, we have only had our current CO in place for the past 9 months. We wanted 50/50, but it's not possible with the distance. We did not push for full custody, and it would not have been rewarded at the time for various reasons. His current situation is not what I would want for my child, but he is also not what a court system would consider in any danger of harm, abuse, or neglect. That being said, he currently shares a room, and bed, with BM because there are so many people in the house. We are giving her a chance and some time/room to get things together and hopefully get herself back on her feet and provide something more sufficient for a growing child. If that doesn't happen, we will eventually go to court for full custody because we both feel that, past toddler ages, it is not appropriate for a growing child, school age, to be sharing a room, or more so a bed, with a parent. He needs his own space and room to grow, and we would be able to provide a much more stable environment. We are collecting as much evidence now to provide if/should the time come. But, we also aren't jumping to take him away from his mother, who is the best mother she is able to be given her situation. She would never give him up willingly to us for that stability, so it would require more than just "We feel like his house is too chaotic." It would be a long drawn out fight, and would probably do more damage to the entire situation that we have worked hard to make progress in.
I think it is great that you have a solid understanding of how the court system works. My son's father use to always threaten to take me back to court because his daddy is an attorney and it wasn't until we did finally go back to court that we both realized it isn't as easy as it seems to make changes. Just because you might want something doesn't mean a judge is going to see it in your favor. I also learned it does not matter how much evidence you have, because ultimately it is up to the judge. Going back to court burned a lot of bridges with both me and ex-H that at times I wish I hadn't. I often think that his animosity about a lot is still coming through even years later. Just make sure if you ever take that step to change primary custody that you have all your ducks in a row and have money saved. To be honest, if I never see the inside of a courtroom again I will be one happy lady.