Single Parents

Split between 2 homes

Posted on June 2012 mommy board before I thought to post here.  My daughter will be 8 months old Friday.

My daughter's father and I are, unfortunately, not together anymore.  I returned to work when she was 12 weeks old and she's been going to daycare during the week and spending every other weekend with her Dad.  His mother just retired and moved here a couple of weeks ago and has volunteered to keep McKinsey 2 days out of the week (Thursday/Friday). This would be an ideal arrangement except she lives 40 minutes away from me so my daughter would have to stay with her grandmother from Wednesday nights and I would pick her up on Friday nights after work.  Her father lives with his mother so on his weekends McKinsey will be there from Wednesday night to Sunday night.

My concern is that my daughter would actually be spending more time with her grandmother than she would with me.  I'm afraid the line between Grandma and Mommy might get blurred.  Additionally, I'm concerned about the stability of the would seem that McKinsey doesn't really have a home because her time would be divided pretty close to half and half between 2 places.  My family thinks my daughter is really too young for it to have that kind of lasting effects on her and they all agree if his mother is offering me a break both financially (because I won't have to pay full price for daycare) and time then I should take it.

I havent even mentioned the part about missing my baby while she's gone that long.  I've never been away from her longer than her weekends with her dad...and don't even get me started on how I don't think it's fair that he made the decision not to be a full time part of her life and now he's trying to "back door" time with her by having his mother take care of her. 

Anyone have opinions on splitting a baby between 2 homes and the possible effects it might have on my daughter?

Re: Split between 2 homes

  • It all depends on how the grandmother treats McKinsey.  My cousin is very close with her mother, closer than she is with her husband.  So my aunt does a lot of babysitting for her when she needs it.  And her 3 children have gotten used to calling their grandma "mommy".  My cousin either doesn't notice or doesn't care, which unnerves me (my parent talks to me about how terrible that is but then expects to have the same relationship with my LO when she's born).  My aunt has never corrected the kids, so they have been calling her mommy since the first one was old enough to talk.

    If the grandmother can draw the line, I am all for it.  But, I would also figure out a way to pick her up after work if I wasn't sure about the situation over there.  Forty minutes is a ways away, so I understand that will be very hard to do. 

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  • A couple things here:

    1. Do you have a court order for custody time?  Or are you making this up as you go along? 

    I ask because this seems very young for a 50/50 split in custody time for an infant and state guidelines don't usually recommend this much time apart from the mother.

    2. You baby will always know you are the Mommy.

    You can have your baby in daycare with the same caregiver everyday for 10 hours a day and the baby will never confuse who is the mommy.

    You can say thank you for the offer to G-mom but you don't have to accept it just because she offered.  Would you normally choose a daycare 40 mins out of your way? 

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  • We had a similiar situation before my son turned 2. I was busy with school and work, btu still missed him a ton!

    A year later, and he was not affected by this at all. I know he was well taken care of there, but now he is absolutely positive that his home is here, with me. Children adjust easily. 

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  • I don't post on here regularly since I'm no longer a SP, but there is no way in HE-double hockey sticks that I would agree for my infant to be away from me that long.  Absolutely not.

    Infants need to have a strong bond with their primary care giver, and that should be you, not grandma. 

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  • You're crazy if you think saving a few bucks on daycare is worth having your LO away from you that much. If its not in the co then dont do it. I understand being poor and paying for daycare but anything is worth having your LO at home
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  • DONT DO IT!  No way!!  Your 8 month old daughter should not be going 4 or more days without seeing you.  The most she should be away from you is one or max two nights in a row. 

    Not to mention it is near impossible to feel like you have any control over how a family member is taking care of your child.  Please! please! please! just keep her in the daycare she is currently in and have dad keep every other weekend.  Or give grandma only one day a week.  If you can pay daycare 4 days a week and grandma gets every Friday maybe.  Trust me I've been down this same road and you do not want to commit to something like this.  Your instincts are right on.  It is too much time away from you for that age.  It is well worth the extra few hundred dollars a month you are probably paying in daycare. 

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