Bullying or normal 3 year old behavior?

Still free to be me

My daughter has one really good friend.  (He is five weeks younger than her, so basically the same age, but a size or two smaller.)  In the past few weeks while playing together, she has said things to him like, "You're too little to do____," or "When you are big like me, you can do _____," or "You are not making good choices, so I'm not going to let you play with ______ anymore." (Relevant background info:  My DD has a newly mobile little sister who is frequently "too little to ____.")  My DD has also told her friend, "Your painting is terrible."

 Obviously, I know the last one is very unkind, but I am wondering if these are bullying behaviors, or relatively normal, considering DD's age.  Of course, I am talking to DD whenever I hear her say hurtful things to her friend, but I am wondering if they are typical kid comments, or something more concerning...

 Thanks... 

tokenhoser

It's normal in that most 3 year olds are a$$holes. They've got verbal skills and no filter and are still pretty self-centered. It's a bad combination.

All you can do is keep encouraging kindness and discouraging meanness. 

aglenn

Sounds normal to me.  3 is all about testing those boundaries and rules and learning how far they go.  My DD does similar things, and now that DS has started walking there is a lot more of it.  It is almost like she is trying to figure out where the line is between "big" and "little" now that he's not so obviously a tiny baby.  I wouldn't worry about it.  The painting comment, I seriously doubt that was meant to hurt or even as artistic criticism.  I wouldn't take it too seriously; obviously tell her that's not a nice thing to say and that it could hurt her friend's feelings, but I don't think it's very meaningful in and of itself.

LatteLady5

It doesn't sound abnormal. To me it seems more like a personality thing than an age thing. Those comments don't seem like bullying (except the last one) but rather, "I'm the boss." I have always been the type to try to be in control even from a young age. If I were you I would find things at home that she can be in charge of. Every day she is in charge of making sure something is done. Feeding the dog, making her  bed, folding some towels etc. Even if you have to unfold a bunch of towels for her to fold every day, let it be her thing. Help her practice taking turns being in charge so she knows how to do it in a setting with her peers.  

I wouldn't let her say the things she's saying to her friend though. While it may be normal, it's not nice and could really end up leaving her with very few friends. How have you been addressing her mean comments? I work with kids at church and always ask if their words are hurtful or helpful. If they hurt someone they have to make it right. They apologize and say or do something nice for the person they hurt.

Still free to be me

Thanks for giving me some reassurances that those comments are pretty typical for a kiddo her age.

I've been addressing them by reminding her that her friend is her age, even though he is smaller than her, and that he actually is allowed to do whatever it is, if that is the case.  I also try to remind her that she isn't his mom and she doesn't get to make his choices for him.  I don't know how much of an impact I've made...

With the painting comment, I told her that it wasn't a nice thing to say when it happened, and then brought it up again after her friend had gone home...That type of comment hasn't come up again (that I'm aware of) and they have played together four times since then...

 We also have a talk at the beginning of each get together about things both of them can do to make playing together more fun, listening to each other, using words instead of snatching toys from each other, asking a grown-up for help if using words doesn't help, etc...Usually, I will ask leading questions and get them to give the "right" answers, or I will give ridiculous scenarios and ask if that is a fun way to play or if there is a better way to play and get along.

 If anyone has any other suggestions on how to make playtime between these two kiddos more smooth, I'd love to hear them...

happywife2b

Sounds pretty typical. I would make sure to address it every single time with face to face communication and a very simple instruction. That way it doesn't become an habitual thing.

happywife2b

tokenhoser:

It's normal in that most 3 year olds are a$$holes. They've got verbal skills and no filter and are still pretty self-centered. It's a bad combination.

All you can do is keep encouraging kindness and discouraging meanness. 

Like you? It is not appropriate to call 3 yr olds a-holes. wow.

nosoup4u

fredalina:

I can't tell you how much I hate the word "bully" being attached to a toddler or preschooler. Bullies by definition are intentionally making other people feel bad, which means they by definition have to have "theory of mind" enough to know how their actions will affect others. 3 year olds just don't have that. They are still very much learning empathy and theory of mind. This sounds normal to me. Just explain how it is hurtful.

Thank you for saying this! So true. 

OP, I wouldn't worry about it. Definitely typical three-year-old behavior.