Loss CheckIn

Mrs Nice

Hello Ladies,

Welcome to our Thursday checkin!

I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

OSUWifey09

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. I feel like I'm just maintaining at this point.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? No new goals. Just keep working on myself personally. I'm still considering grief counseling again, but I just haven't been able to force myself to make that jump yet.

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol? Everytime I hear "You Are My Sunshine," I think of him [and usually cry]. That song was one I taught DS while I was pregnant with Devon, and the two of us used to sing it all the time.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Tuesday was six months since losing Devon. I'm so amazed at how far I've come, but I'm also a little amazed at how much it still hurts. I think most people wish I'd quit blogging about it and talking about it, but most people have never been in my shoes before and don't get it - so I just ignore that and do what I want.

karebear57

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

Nope almost like swinging around...fine, bad, ok, horrible, etc.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

No, I'm just gonna keep continuing to talk to myself about Bri in my head. No one even remembers anymore anyway...except dh, but he doesn't talk about her much at all.

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol?

Butterflies, fall time, anything pink, the Beatles song 'Here Comes the Sun' idk why because I had 'Two sisters' by the Kinks stuck in my head when I had Brianna. 'Here Comes the Sun' makes me cry where ever I am when I hear that song.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

It's like I'm forgetting how Bri felt in my arms, what she looked like when I held her. I'm scared that I'm forgetting her. It's like she never happened.

meli1025

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really any major steps this week. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? No new goals set, just working on meditating and using some breathing exercises. 

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol?  Beautiful birds always remind me of my angel.  I also listen to the song "Beam me Up" by Pink all the time and cry my eyes out...thinking of her the whole time. 

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Tomorrow I'm planning to do a balloon release at the cemetery to honor Ava, that's been on my mind alot.  That and the fact that I should be home right now on maternity leave with my sweet little girl.  It's so hard to stop thinking about it. 

bunnybun4

((HUGS)) to everyone this week.   

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

PREGNANCY MENTIONED (not mine) -yes, my MIL came over on Monday to help me with some decorating ideas.  She brought a bottle of wine and asked me how I was doing.   My SIL is due with twins in a few weeks...this has been SO hard, my little girl was due a month after them.  When my in laws have expressed excitement about the twins it literally has felt like someone stuck a knife in my stomach and twisted it.  I felt like my little girl had been forgotten and that she hadn't meant anything to any of them.  My MIL brought up the twins and just expressed to me how much she is still hurting over losing my sweet girl.  She went into detail about how much she loved her and wanted her here.  We both bawled our eyes out.  I think all I needed was for them to acknowledge her and to hear that they loved and missed her.  I instantly felt a lot better.  I also saw my therapist this week and we talked about my anger at God and anger towards other pregnant people...it is still a daily battle but I feel like I am starting to take the steps to trust God again and starting to be able to separate my devastation from other people's blessings. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

still working on my weight...I fit into one of my pre-pregnancy pair of jeans this weekend...granted they didn't fit GREAT but I could still wear them.  My next goal is to feel comfortable in all of my old clothes. 

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol?

"baby mine" with Alison Krauss singing it...I downloaded it right after we lost her.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I'm getting an US done next wednesday because of some pains I have been having since my loss.  My OB is pretty sure that they are minor cysts but they have been freaking me out so she wants to calm me down.  I just want to be able to relax until we can TTC again in May.

meli1025

marylaurena:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

She went into detail about how much she loved her and wanted her here.  We both bawled our eyes out.  I think all I needed was for them to acknowledge her and to hear that they loved and missed her.  I instantly felt a lot better.  I also saw my therapist this week and we talked about my anger at God and anger towards other pregnant people...it is still a daily battle but I feel like I am starting to take the steps to trust God again and starting to be able to separate my devastation from other people's blessings. 

Big ((hugs)) to you.  I definitely think the bolded is a HUGE step, I feel like more recently I've gained the ability to do this as well.  I'm so glad that your MIL had this talk with you, I remember your recent post about how their excitement over the twins was hurting you so much....I'm so relieved for you that she ackowledged your sweet angel. 

 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

No.  I feel I've majorly, majorly gone backwards this week

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Just getting back on the right path.  I'm working through a book to try and change my perspective on life

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol?

The song "Shake your Booty" (which is in the Sensa commercial etc).  When were in the NICU, DH made up a song (which is does often) to try to get Corbin to BF and it was to the song "shake your booty" it went "suck, suck, suck.   suck, suck, suck.  Suck the boobie.  Suck the boobie."  Then he added a fist pump.  It makes me laugh and cry all at the same time.  And I was always calling him my widdle monkey so monkeys are big too

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

How big Corbin should be right now and what he'd be doing.  We're friends with this couple we met at birthing class and their son was born 2 days after Corbin.  They posted some pictures of him the other day and it just crushed me.

bunnybun4

meli1025:

marylaurena:

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

She went into detail about how much she loved her and wanted her here.  We both bawled our eyes out.  I think all I needed was for them to acknowledge her and to hear that they loved and missed her.  I instantly felt a lot better.  I also saw my therapist this week and we talked about my anger at God and anger towards other pregnant people...it is still a daily battle but I feel like I am starting to take the steps to trust God again and starting to be able to separate my devastation from other people's blessings. 

Big ((hugs)) to you.  I definitely think the bolded is a HUGE step, I feel like more recently I've gained the ability to do this as well.  I'm so glad that your MIL had this talk with you, I remember your recent post about how their excitement over the twins was hurting you so much....I'm so relieved for you that she ackowledged your sweet angel. 

thanks meli....i find myself getting angry still everyday and I have to stop myself and make myself think through why I shouldn't be angry...so I am definitely still in the very early stages of it but I know it is a big step in the right direction.

what was amazing about MIL is that she did this on her own...she didn't know that I had been feeling this way.   so it meant even more that she took the initiative to bring all of this up and honestly I think I had to hear those things out of her mouth before I could let go of those awful feelings.

((HUGS)) to you, too!!!

jebretz

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

I attended a second support group that was great.  What I really liked was that they wanted to see my picture of the three together, and it was all oo's and ahh's and they are beautiful's.  That made me so happy that I got to show off my baby pictures without feeling nervous that I was making someone uncomfortable. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

My next goal is to get my life reorganized.  I know it is early but I feel like I am floundering.  I am back at work, but that has been added stress, so on my days off I get almost nothing done.  I haven't gone to the gym in a few weeks, the house is a mess and I haven't been cooking/baking much even though I love to do it.  I just need to get back on track.  I don't exactly know how I am going to achieve that though. 

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol? 

I have a beautiful necklace with three peas in a pod that my sister bought me for the baby shower I never had.  It means so much to me, and it feels like I am keeping them by my heart. I also have been listening to "I Will Carry You" by Selah.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? 

My babies.  I think about them all the time. It doesn't always make me weepy, but I am always thinking about them.  

silverlining8d

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I finally put up all of my baby books and maternity clothes.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
I'm planning on getting a job and starting turbofire in the next couple of weeks.

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol? 

right now everything reminds me of Sebastian. every sad song, every baby, every pregnant woman, every little boy I see. I miss him terribly.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Trying to get out of my depression. I feel like I've been drowning for a month and I'm just now forcing above the water. I had a really bad week last week but I think I'm finally on a bit of an upward swing.

Noethola

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Getting physically in shape.

Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? joined a group training for a road race.

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol? the song "your hands" BY JJ HELLER. If I am missing her terribly, I listen to it. I played it on loop for hours on end in the days and weeks following.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? We got our photos from the photographer with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I love them, but was surprised she only gave us 15 pictures. Its good though to get to see her face in new photos.

sand&starfish

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

I feel like this week was productive and I forced myself to take steps to try to make myself feel better. We finally went to the support group I'd been avoiding for weeks, and it was great to meet other couples and hear their stories. It was so healing to hear them talk and feel the exact same way about certain things - it made me feel less crazy. I also had my first session with a therapist, who I think is going to be great, and I made some appointments with High Risk Doctors from another practice because I'm not sold on the ones I saw from Nathan's pregnancy, which makes me feel like I'm taking some action.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

I don't think I have any upcoming "goals". I have more to-dos, which are helping me make it through the next few weeks - I want to finish up my research for all my doctors appointments and come up with a plan that I feel comfortable with moving forward so we can figure out when we can start ttc again.

QOTW: Do you have anything that reminds you of your angel? Like a song or a symbol?  

We have a few things. We have a bear that was DH's mother's (she passed away), and we planned on putting it in Nate's room. When i was in the hospital on bedrest my H brought the bear in to sit in my room because it was Nate's and it was a huge comfort. Now, we have it on our couch and it reminds us of him, and we plan on having it in any formal family picture we have, or pictures of future kids as our little reminder of him/like having him present.

I also have a simple silver ring with his name on it that I wear with my wedding band. I love it and love being able to look down and see his name.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? 

I feel that as the immediate shock is starting to fade I find myself wondering if I will ever truly be able to enjoy our future children/family when I feel as though when I look at them I will always feel like someone is missing, and that our family will always feel incomplete. I've been told that this intense feeling will fade to an extent, but this week I'm really overwhelmed with the feeling that we will forever be missing one of our children, even years down the road when we have more.