Adopting #2...when? — The Bump

Adopting #2...when?

 I'm open to replies from anyone, but anyone who has adopted an older child will probably be able to relate more.

 If you've adopted an older child, how did you know *when* was the right time to adopt again? Kiddo is 6.5 and has been home for a year and a couple of months. He has a variety of special needs but has come a long, long way. He'll always need more than the average child, but our parenting style suits his needs well so it doesn't feel "hard" to us. We both want a big(ger) family, and kiddo loves other children that he knows well. I would like to adopt again soon, for a lot of reasons. Mainly, we are only requesting a child a few years younger than Kiddo due to his fear of larger kids. If we wait much longer, the gap between #1 and #2 will be even more significant.

 But, I love Kiddo so much that I worry that a) I will resent kiddo #2 for taking me away from him and b) Kiddo hasn't had enough time with us all to himself. I'm told that everyone feels this way when considering #2, but the fact that we have so much control over starting the process again makes it harder to pull the trigger. If you've this just normal cold feet (I had cold feet big time with Kiddo, I'm a worrier)? Or are my fears legitimate?

Re: Adopting #2...when?

  • Your fears are legit. I had the same fears before dd was born. You'll find your groove with both kids soon. GL!
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  • I think this is something personal to each family, and only you can know for sure when the time is right.  For us, we met J when we adopted M.  We knew the need for families for waiting kids was so great, and we just couldn't shake the idea that J was meant to be our son.  Once that idea took hold and we openly acknowledged it, we couldn't bring him home fast enough.

    We started the process after M was home with us for about six months, and brought J home within a year and a half of adopting M.  By the time J came home, M was fully attached to us, but in truth, he wasn't completely through that process when we started J's adoption.  We had come through the most intense part of his attachment process, and just kept on doing all the same things to foster that bond while we where also actively persuing J's adoption.

    In our case, it also helped that, not only did the boys live with one another for a short while before their adoptions, they were both used to having lots of kids to play with.  When M was an only child with us, he was constantly yearning for time with friends.  J has become his best friend, and he's happy as long as they can play/spend time together.  Sure he still wants other friends, but he's no longer lonely like he was.  For J, it was similar--having M in our family gave him someone safe to latch onto and a "partner in crime," so that he didn't have to deal with the reality of the entire transition all at once (but that also seems to have drawn-out his attachment to us).

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  • I'm already thinking about #2.  As soon as the ink is dry on the first adoption, we are starting the next one.  We very much want to have kids close in age.  That seems right for us.  I'm a worrier too.  You'll make the right call.
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