Losing Hope — The Bump
TTC after 35

Losing Hope

I know I shouldn't test early, but I always test early.  My beta is scheduled for Friday, but this is the 3rd day in a row I've tested anyway.  Three BFN's.  At first I was just chalking it up to being early but as I creep closer I'm getting so discouraged.  

I've been sobbing uncontrollably the last few days, which I hope is a pg symptom but I'm scared it's PMS.

And why does it seem like every time I'm waiting for pg test results it's in the middle of the most stressful time at work ever?  I'm hitting a wall where I'm seriously trying to wrap my head around how I can quit my job and focus on infertility 100% of the time.  Financially it's not realistic but the stress is really doing me in.  Ugh.  I could really use some wine about now but too scared to drink it!!!!

Me-42 DH-43 TTC #1 since 3/11
HSG 7/11 showed possible blockage
8/11 BFP, then early m/c  (Natural)
9/11 blood tests reveal Factor V Leiden (heterozygous)
11/11 Hysteroscopy revealed uterine septum, which was repaired
12/11 1st round of Clomid (100mg)=BFN
1/12 2nd round of Clomid (100mg)=BFN 
2/12 Repeat HSG=All clear 
2/12 IUI with injectables #1=BFN 
3/12 natural cycle=BFN 
4/12 IUI with injectables #2=C/P 
7/12 IVF #1=30ER, 9F, 3T, 1 Frostie 7/29=BFP! 
8/27/12 No Heartbeat. Waiting to M/C 
9/13/12 D+C
12/12 Operative Hysteroscopy 
1/31/12  IVF#2 ...BFP 2/6 m/c 2/12 methotrexate due to presumed ectopic
July '13 IVF #3: 13R, 10M, 8F=BFP
1st Beta=549  2nd Beta 594 3rd Beta 422. M/C #5
IVF#4 in November=BFP…TWINS!!!!!

BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Losing Hope

  • OH gosh... I know how you feel.  Wish I had magic words..

    I also went down that road of "Can I quit my job to focus on infertility".  I actually talked to my RE about it and his response was "You'll only have more stress about your financial situation".  He was right.

    I think we try to find external factors that we can change to try and make *some* difference, but reality is..we are grasping at straws for relief from the pain of IF.

    Your beta isn't until Friday, try to keep hope alive, it could be too early for testing.

    ((Hugs)) and a virtual Drinks

    Me = 39 DH = 50 TTC (since 01/2009 after a short break, I stopped counting *cycles* in 2010)
    DX 2010 : Unknown Infertility , AMA
    HSG 2005 = Normal / HSG 2010 = Normal
    SA 2005 = Normal / SA 2010 /2012 = Slightly low count : motility, morphology GREAT!
    Chromosomal analysis, MTHFR, ANA's, Lupus, Protein C, Protein S, APCR = Normal 2011

    M/C : 2005 (7wk), 2010 (6wk), 2011 (7wk)

    8 IUI's 2010-2011 all BFN

    IVF/ICSI antagonist 01/2012 #1 = BFN

    IVF/ICSI antagonist long 06/2012 #2 = BFN

    IVF/ICSI/CGH MDLF New Clinic/New RE 11/2012 #3 = One beautiful boy blasty frozen PGS normal

    IVF/ICSI/CGH MDLF 02/2013 #4 = One more beautiful boy blasty frozen PGS normal

    FET 6/20 : One 5AA PGS normal transferred Beta 1 6/28 = 53.9 / Beta 2 7/1 = 220 / Beta 3 7/3 = 550!

    1 U/S  6w3d - Heartbeat 119 /  2 U/S - 7w5d- Heartbeat 169 / 3 U/S (OB) 8w5d - Heartbeat still great!

    Baby G welcomed into the world 3/7/2014

    SAIF / PAIF always welcome ****

     

    image

  • I was laid off over a year ago and haven't looked for a  job to focus on my fertility and well...it has it's challenges. First off, I watch every penny that leaves my house, all I think about is fertility and money, I spend a lot of time on the bump, and every other google search pertaining to fertility. I'd love a work distraction. It's hard all around. 

    I like to just wait for the beta and not drive myself crazy with poas. 

     

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  • Aww Dawn I'm hoping it is just too early yet. I wish I can give you "real" hug but going to "send" you some instead. Fingers crossed for you!

    ME:46 MH:44 DE IVF 2014
    Met with RE 4/11. 2 IUI's BFN. DE best option. Switched clinics to do "shared" program. Had to retake all tests and a mamm that put me behind and then on a DE waiting list for 12 months. Picked a donor!! (10/13/13) Got matched. Estimated transfer in December. After 2.5 years of patiently waiting I will finally cycle....can hardly believe it. DE cycle got cancelled. One of her tests came back positive.  Waiting for another donor. Donor picked!! (1/18/14)

    DE IVF #1 (4/26) BFN  DE FET #1 (6/4) BFP! Beta 1=339 Beta 2=852 Beta 3=9957 EDD 2/22/15!!


     

     

         imageimage 
         image   imageimage



  • I am so incredibly grateful for you ladies.  Truly.  

    I also just emailed a therapist.  I feel like I am at the end of my rapidly fraying rope and I need to try and get some add'l support.  My hubby is great but I can tell it's wearing on him, too.  I'm so sick of hearing myself I can only imagine how he feels about it.

    I'm going to just keep praying for a miracle.  I really, really appreciate the support.  You all are amazing and inspiring to me. 

    Me-42 DH-43 TTC #1 since 3/11
    HSG 7/11 showed possible blockage
    8/11 BFP, then early m/c  (Natural)
    9/11 blood tests reveal Factor V Leiden (heterozygous)
    11/11 Hysteroscopy revealed uterine septum, which was repaired
    12/11 1st round of Clomid (100mg)=BFN
    1/12 2nd round of Clomid (100mg)=BFN 
    2/12 Repeat HSG=All clear 
    2/12 IUI with injectables #1=BFN 
    3/12 natural cycle=BFN 
    4/12 IUI with injectables #2=C/P 
    7/12 IVF #1=30ER, 9F, 3T, 1 Frostie 7/29=BFP! 
    8/27/12 No Heartbeat. Waiting to M/C 
    9/13/12 D+C
    12/12 Operative Hysteroscopy 
    1/31/12  IVF#2 ...BFP 2/6 m/c 2/12 methotrexate due to presumed ectopic
    July '13 IVF #3: 13R, 10M, 8F=BFP
    1st Beta=549  2nd Beta 594 3rd Beta 422. M/C #5
    IVF#4 in November=BFP…TWINS!!!!!

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Hugs! And it is still early if your beta isn't until Friday.  Fingers crossed you'll still get a happy result!
  • Just thought of something that might give you some comfort.  I go to "fertility Yoga", a group of ladies doing gentle relaxing Yoga and sharing our experiences.

    I enjoy the yoga / relaxation, but it's really nice to have a weekly met up with just "the gals" to vent / cry.  And the nice part, these ladies are all experiencing very similar struggles to me...

    Maybe you have something similar in your area?

    Me = 39 DH = 50 TTC (since 01/2009 after a short break, I stopped counting *cycles* in 2010)
    DX 2010 : Unknown Infertility , AMA
    HSG 2005 = Normal / HSG 2010 = Normal
    SA 2005 = Normal / SA 2010 /2012 = Slightly low count : motility, morphology GREAT!
    Chromosomal analysis, MTHFR, ANA's, Lupus, Protein C, Protein S, APCR = Normal 2011

    M/C : 2005 (7wk), 2010 (6wk), 2011 (7wk)

    8 IUI's 2010-2011 all BFN

    IVF/ICSI antagonist 01/2012 #1 = BFN

    IVF/ICSI antagonist long 06/2012 #2 = BFN

    IVF/ICSI/CGH MDLF New Clinic/New RE 11/2012 #3 = One beautiful boy blasty frozen PGS normal

    IVF/ICSI/CGH MDLF 02/2013 #4 = One more beautiful boy blasty frozen PGS normal

    FET 6/20 : One 5AA PGS normal transferred Beta 1 6/28 = 53.9 / Beta 2 7/1 = 220 / Beta 3 7/3 = 550!

    1 U/S  6w3d - Heartbeat 119 /  2 U/S - 7w5d- Heartbeat 169 / 3 U/S (OB) 8w5d - Heartbeat still great!

    Baby G welcomed into the world 3/7/2014

    SAIF / PAIF always welcome ****

     

    image

  • I know it is hard, but try to stay positive.  I hope your beta comes back with great answers - Friday is only a day away...  You can do it - positive thoughts coming your way...

    By the way, I have found reading these posts & complaining to you ladies works much better than complaining to DH.  I have found it pushes my DH farther away when I complain or get sad.  Besides, who understands what you are going through (as a women) better than the ladies on here Stick out tongue

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  • Hey it isn't over till AF shows! Or a beta:...don't lose hope til Friday! This is an amazingly supportive group of women and we all get where you are coming from on one level or another, so take strength from us....one of us will need you tomorrow :

    image
    My Ovulation Chart



    Me: 41 DH: 46. We are TTC our 1st, started July '11,
    3 cycles clomid with Ob,
    1 cycle Tamoxifen with Ob,
    Diagnosed PCOS 11/5/12
    clomid, trigger & timed bd 12/12 BFN
    1st clomid IUI 1/4/13 BFN.
    2nd clomid IUI 2/13 cancelled didn't respond to clomid.
    3/15/13 scheduled laparoscopy & on bcp.

    May 10 IUI from injectibles - BFN 

    May 22 done with interventions it will either happen or it won't. 

    February 2014 No longer actively trying, but not preventing. 

    SURPISE BFP 4/2/2015!!!!!!!!!!

    Miscarriage 4/23/15

     

  • imageQzees:

    I know it is hard, but try to stay positive.  I hope your beta comes back with great answers - Friday is only a day away...  You can do it - positive thoughts coming your way...

    By the way, I have found reading these posts & complaining to you ladies works much better than complaining to DH.  I have found it pushes my DH farther away when I complain or get sad.  Besides, who understands what you are going through (as a women) better than the ladies on here Stick out tongue

    This exactly!!

    ME:46 MH:44 DE IVF 2014
    Met with RE 4/11. 2 IUI's BFN. DE best option. Switched clinics to do "shared" program. Had to retake all tests and a mamm that put me behind and then on a DE waiting list for 12 months. Picked a donor!! (10/13/13) Got matched. Estimated transfer in December. After 2.5 years of patiently waiting I will finally cycle....can hardly believe it. DE cycle got cancelled. One of her tests came back positive.  Waiting for another donor. Donor picked!! (1/18/14)

    DE IVF #1 (4/26) BFN  DE FET #1 (6/4) BFP! Beta 1=339 Beta 2=852 Beta 3=9957 EDD 2/22/15!!


     

     

         imageimage 
         image   imageimage



  • DawnHope.....I know how easy it is to get discouraged.  I think we are on similar cycles, I have found myself a time or two, checking for any symthoms and getting irritated that they weren't there....ugh, it is so hard.  Just know that we are here for eachother.  Keep your chin up and let's root for a BFP!  :)

    Take care......

    Lilypie Trying to Conceive 15 to 80 day cycle tickers
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