BF, DH and MOTN? (long!)

gusabbey

So DS2 is 13 weeks old, which puts him at about 100 days old give or take.  In those 100 days, he has woken up at night time anywhere from 2-5 times.  So conservatively, I will say an average of 2.5 times per night...a whopping 250 times since he's been born!  (if my math is correct, which is likely not)

Anywho, not that I'm counting or anything (ha) but DH has not helped with a single solitary night time wake up.  We are in agreement that since I'm on ML still and Bfing that him helping is sort of pointless.  DS2 and I even sleep in another room so as to not interupt DH sleeping.  HOWEVER, on two separate occassions now, he has actually closed his bedroom door when I cant get DS back to sleep and his crying is keeping DH awake.

It hurts my feelings that he doesnt pitch in when he clearly knows I'm struggling.  I may be on ML, but I still have to wake up early in the morning when DS1 gets up.  Is anyone else sharing this experience...or am I alone here?  I'm not complaining per se, because I've not discussed this with DH, he works hard after all.  Am I being over sensitive?  Should I just let it go and deal with it, or should I talk to DH about it?   I should also mention that DS usually goes right back to sleep, but not always!  We had a rough night last night, so maybe I'm just tired! 

sica077

My household has an extremely similar situation.... actually, exactly the same minus an additional child and plus a bit of a strained relationship between DH and I. DH has not gone as far as shutting his bedroom door, but I know for sure he can hear C as I struggle to get him to sleep some nights and he has not once come out to even just give an encouraging word. I feel your pain. I don't think you are being over sensitive. It makes me crazy when Mr. gets home and talks about how co-workers are shocked that he looks so rested and isn't falling asleep on the job. I want to shout at him, "Do you tell them that you NEVER have to get up in the middle of the night??? Do you tell them that your sleep schedule hasn't changed AT ALL... in fact, has gotten better???" But I don't

How is DH when he gets home from work? Does he pitch in or is he doing his own thing? The only reason I haven't brought the topic up is because when mine gets home from work, he is more than happy for me to plop our little man on his lap while I get stuff done that I simply can't get done during the day with C. It sounds like you plan to go back to work at some point so I think you should talk with him now since you won't be able to continue this single person night routine once you are back to work.

I hope things get better for you! We had a rough night last night, too... I know how stressful it is with less sleep than you are used to (not that what you are used to is all that much!). You aren't alone!

candaceleigh21

Once I was healed from my Csection, DH quit getting up at all. So since about 3 weeks PP I have taken care of LO round the clock. DH only works 15 days a month but he has told me previously that since I am a SAHM now that B is my "job".

shlittertoots

Yes, I think he could take the MOTN feedings on the weekends at least(assuming you can pump a bottle or two)  Then you can catch up on sleep, and he could nap during the day if he wanted. I would totally bring it up that you need some help! We both work and MH and I work it so that he does all the MOTN feedings since he goes to bed earlier than me (but luckily LO has been sttn) You definitely deserve a break! 

hilsy85

I also do all MOTN feedings, and have since LO was born. I don't mind doing it because I'm at home and Dh has to go to work in the morning. Plus, I'm EBF so there's not much for him to do.

However, if you're upset about it, then you need to talk to him. It's not really fair to be mad at him for something that you've never asked him to help out with. He might truly think that you have it under control, and that him stepping in would mess with your routine. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to help out on nights when you're having a tough time.

projectbaby2012

I would talk to him. You work hard too, being around a baby 24 7 is no vacation!!! Dh has helped me equally since day one. We each take a shift for motn feedings. Even if I only had one baby I would ask this of him. Your dh can feed bottles in the motn or at least stay up with you for a feeding here and there for moral support, but it sounds like you need to ask your dh for this help.

numberonemama

Wow, my DH who isnt always the best at least will get up and help...there have only been a few times he put the pillow over his head.  He may not be able to feed the baby but he can sure change a diaper! My DH also works 10-15 hr days usually 6 days a week! 

I think you need to have a come to Jesus moment with him...maybe suggest a bottle in the MOTN and him rooming with the baby a couple times a week so you can get better sleep (even if you have to pump).  He also needs to be helping gout with your other kid and with the house.  Good luck!!

Ziegeficker

You are not being overly-sensitive. When I was on ML, I agreed with DH that I should take the majority of the nighttime duties so he could be as rested as possible for work and because I too was BFing. But you're right -- Just because you don't have a job to drive to in the morning doesn't mean you get to sleep in all day. It doesn't mean what you're doing all day isn't WORK. And it doesn't make sleep deprivation any easier to deal with. So he should help you when he can, and that includes times when LO isn't hungry but can't get to sleep. My husband and I had a tacit agreement that, when LO woke, I would feed him; if he woke soon after putting him back down, I'd try feeding again (back when he was super young) or rocking him back to sleep; But if he woke a third time or if at any point I became overwhelmed, I would wake up DH for help. I'm lucky that he's been so helpful, and if your husband isn't offering any help whatsoever, I do not think you are wrong to talk to him about it. 

Ziegeficker

Another helpful thing your husband can do is take LO after his first morning feed on the weekends so you can sleep a couple more hours. My husband does this, and it's the difference between me losing my mind and keeping my sh!t together. 

Ziegeficker

candaceleigh21:

Once I was healed from my Csection, DH quit getting up at all. So since about 3 weeks PP I have taken care of LO round the clock. DH only works 15 days a month but he has told me previously that since I am a SAHM now that B is my "job".

Eff that, dude. I hate this attitude. Working people get breaks and vacations and sick time. SAHMs don't. Also, if anyone should help you out with the baby, it should be the guy who shares half your LO's DNA.  

Wally3

SAHM is the hardest job there is and you need breaks and rest like the rest of the working world.  What works for us is I take 99% of the night feeds (2 -3 times I was going to lose it and DH got up after he was fed and won't go back to sleep). Then DH gets up in the morning with DS1 and I get to sleep until DS2 wakes up.  DH gets DS1 ready for school and dresses him and packs his lunch.  Yes it was hard for DH at first and DS1 watches more TV then I would like in the morning and doesn't always match - but he gets to school and they figure it out. Every other Saturday one of us is "off" til noon can sleep in go shopping for things we want not need go golfing or the beach whatever we want. It has made us both more sane. 

cardiganmom

After I stopped Breastfeeding, my husband and I started sharing the MOTN responsibilities. We alternate nights, even when I was on ML. I've always said to him that we're both parents, equal responsibilities, just because I'm mom doesn't mean I'm the only one to take care of her and do everything around the house. So he's been helping out a lot more with housework. I think you should talk to him, I'm all about lots of communication!

gusabbey

DH is a good dad and husband even though it may seem like hes a jerk from the post. He works hard and long hours and does do housework sometimes. Hes just terribly good with babies. He doesnt have the calmness or patience needed to soothe baby. And he does get up with ds1 on the weekends so i can sleep until ds2 gets up.

It just sometimes seems like im soooooo tired and hes the one napping! Its quite possible that he has no idea how pooped i really am. Im nervous for when i go back to work in march! He stays up later than me, so maybe he could top off ds before he goes to bed. I will be chatting with him tonight!

Thanks for the input!

Starry Again

This would never work in my family but I wouldn't judge if it was working for you. However it doesn't seem to be working for you, so you need to renegotiate.

Also, I am troubled by your husband's attitude towards you in general (if I don't have you confused with someone else). I am bothered that he seems to downplay your role in the family and belittle you. This is a bump cliche, but maybe a counselor could be an impartial moderator and help your family out. Good luck.

MadamePresident

hilsy85:

However, if you're upset about it, then you need to talk to him. It's not really fair to be mad at him for something that you've never asked him to help out with. He might truly think that you have it under control, and that him stepping in would mess with your routine. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask him to help out on nights when you're having a tough time.

I agree with this.

JoNi2010

candaceleigh21:

Once I was healed from my Csection, DH quit getting up at all. So since about 3 weeks PP I have taken care of LO round the clock. DH only works 15 days a month but he has told me previously that since I am a SAHM now that B is my "job".

Umm, this would NOT fly in my house at all!  Granted, I do all the MOTN feedings and changings, even after my ML, but DH has offered to get up for help and he has before.  He also will get up early on weekends so I can get some time to myself.  And this is with DH working full time, 5 days a week.  If DH worked only 15 days a month, you bet I would have take on a bit more - LO is his too. 

gusabbey

Starry Again:

This would never work in my family but I wouldn't judge if it was working for you. However it doesn't seem to be working for you, so you need to renegotiate.Also, I am troubled by your husband's attitude towards you in general if I don't have you confused with someone else. I am bothered that he seems to downplay your role in the family and belittle you. This is a bump cliche, but maybe a counselor could be an impartial moderator and help your family out. Good luck.

Now you've got me wondering what i may have posted about dh in the past!

Its not so much that hes selfish, but more oblivious to the world around him. His father is the same, but much much worse. On an almost sociopathic level. I think its a defense mechanism. I see a psychiatrist biweekly for my ocd, maybe he should tag along! Seriously.

legalbeagle1

gusabbey:

DH is a good dad and husband even though it may seem like hes a jerk from the post. He works hard and long hours and does do housework sometimes. Hes just terribly good with babies. He doesnt have the calmness or patience needed to soothe baby. And he does get up with ds1 on the weekends so i can sleep until ds2 gets up.

It just sometimes seems like im soooooo tired and hes the one napping! Its quite possible that he has no idea how pooped i really am. Im nervous for when i go back to work in march! He stays up later than me, so maybe he could top off ds before he goes to bed. I will be chatting with him tonight!

Thanks for the input!

This is what my DH and I were doing when L wakes up before midnight. L and I go to sleep and DH handles any feedings before 12. If after 12 then I wake up, no matter how many times. This way I get at least four continuous hours of sleep, usually more, and I can make up for any lost sleep with a short nap instead if needing to pass out.

Honestly it is super important for you to get sleep! More so than DH sometimes! When L wasn't sleeping well I sometimes felt so tired during the day that I was afraid I would drop him! I spoke to DH and we made sure I got more sleep.

I'm on ML until the end of Feb and we'll have to figure out a new system when I go back since I won't be able to go to sleep at 8 anymore!

Good luck