Admittedly a small thing.

fellesferie

DS's 8th birthday is today. 

XH had one of his gifts held at a local store and asked me to pick it up. I did, and of course it's not wrapped or anything.

He also Fed Ex'd him some books. I opened up the package just to make sure it was wrapped, and it wasn't. Of course.

This obviously isn't a big deal. I'm rolling my eyes a bit but I'm not mad or whatever.

But I mean, really? I'm not in love with the notion that I'm just kind of expected to handle this. We aren't married anymore. I'm not obligated to pick up his slack.

XH's Thing is to not act and not act and not act and then force other people to work things out for him. I think it's lame that I continue to enable him to do that.

How old does DS have to be before it's okay to let XH fall on his own sword? Clearly in this case it's more of a toothpick than a sword, but still!  

 

la79al

So your ex remembered your kids birthday, actually bought him stuff and you are complaining because they're not wrapped?  You didn't have to pick up the stuff at the store, you didn't have to wrap any of it.  You chose to because you knew it would benefit your son.  That's what parents do.  I think you'll probably be doing it the rest of your life, regardless of whose slack you are picking up.

la79al

Actually, she chose to pick it up at the store, she had the option to tell BF no and then it would be his problem to deal with.  Again, she chose to because she knew it would benefit her son. 

socloudy99

My H wouldn't care if it was wrapped. To him the gift is the important part. If their was no me birthdays and Christmas would consist of gifts all the in bags from the store he bought them. Drives me nuts that he doesn't think those extra steps make things a bit more special but that is him.

I don't think your ex would care if you didn't wrap them. It is okay to leave them that way but it would drive me crazy (sounds like you are the same) so I would wrap them anyway. Just wanted to let you know your are not alone and I am talking about my H who I love with all my heart and it still gets a little side eye from me.

SimpleJane

la79al:

Actually, she chose to pick it up at the store, she had the option to tell BF no and then it would be his problem to deal with.nbsp; Again, she chose to because she knew it would benefit her son.nbsp;

And she isn't allowed to be annoyed about that?

OP, I'm sorry, it would annoy me too.

fellesferie

la79al:

So your ex remembered your kids birthday, actually bought him stuff and you are complaining because they're not wrapped?  You didn't have to pick up the stuff at the store, you didn't have to wrap any of it.  You chose to because you knew it would benefit your son.  That's what parents do.  I think you'll probably be doing it the rest of your life, regardless of whose slack you are picking up.

I'm not sure I understand your point. I don't think my XH deserves points for remembering it's his kid's birthday and sending him a couple presents. I'm glad he did (and I get that there are those that don't), but I don't really consider it an accomplishment. He used to not even call on DS's birthday; and I also do not pat him on the back for remembering to do so now.

I'm more or less complaining that a) they are not wrapped; and b) he knew I would do it for him because I have always enabled him to slack off both in BIG ways and small ways. This is a small way.

J&A2008

I don't think you need to wrap them.  He will like the gifts either way.

cole2144

MelRC117:

fellesferie:

la79al:

So your ex remembered your kids birthday, actually bought him stuff and you are complaining because they're not wrapped?  You didn't have to pick up the stuff at the store, you didn't have to wrap any of it.  You chose to because you knew it would benefit your son.  That's what parents do.  I think you'll probably be doing it the rest of your life, regardless of whose slack you are picking up.

I'm not sure I understand your point. I don't think my XH deserves points for remembering it's his kid's birthday and sending him a couple presents. I'm glad he did (and I get that there are those that don't), but I don't really consider it an accomplishment. He used to not even call on DS's birthday; and I also do not pat him on the back for remembering to do so now.

I'm more or less complaining that a) they are not wrapped; and b) he knew I would do it for him because I have always enabled him to slack off both in BIG ways and small ways. This is a small way.

I agree with the bolded. So she should be happy he remember his SON's birthday? Seriously? Again you say OP picked up the gift for her son but shouldn't the father take the responsibility to make sure it got to him?  He would have disappointed his son without her help.  Something that's obviously is okay to get annoyed by.  Its not like she's going to go to court over it.

All of this! And I`m pretty sure most stores where you buy stuff online you can choose the gift wrap option. Hell even the post office has decorated bubble wrap envelopes.

FutureMrsWittig

I think your son is old enough.  And I think if you do too much to cover XH's shortcomings, your son will come to resent you for trying to foster a relationship that will ultimately fail.

My SDs counselor has advised me numerous times to avoid doing too much to make BMs efforts look good, when she doesn't really try herself.  She said my SD will come to feel that I am trying to "trick her" into having a good relationship with her mom, when a good relationship doesn't actually exist.

That said, I still do a lot.  I want SD to have a good relationship with her mom, just like you want your son to have a good relationship with his dad.  I think in this case, what you did was nice.  For me the best test is to ask yourself "Would I want or expect someone to do this for me, if the situation was reversed?"  If the answer is no, then you can skip it and feel no guilt. 

In the future, unless XH specifically asks you to wrap the gifts, just give them to your son in the box they came in. 

la79al

I don't know why I'm being so snarky.  You started out saying it's a small thing.  Sorry.

J&A2008

FutureMrsWittig:

I think your son is old enough.  And I think if you do too much to cover XH's shortcomings, your son will come to resent you for trying to foster a relationship that will ultimately fail.

In the future, unless XH specifically asks you to wrap the gifts, just give them to your son in the box they came in. 

Mrs.Wittig spelled out what I had in my head.

fellesferie

J&A2008:

I don't think you need to wrap them.  He will like the gifts either way.

You're right. 

HisChamaoleGirl

fellesferie:

DS's 8th birthday is today. 

XH had one of his gifts held at a local store and asked me to pick it up. I did, and of course it's not wrapped or anything.

He also Fed Ex'd him some books. I opened up the package just to make sure it was wrapped, and it wasn't. Of course.

This obviously isn't a big deal. I'm rolling my eyes a bit but I'm not mad or whatever.

But I mean, really? I'm not in love with the notion that I'm just kind of expected to handle this. We aren't married anymore. I'm not obligated to pick up his slack.

XH's Thing is to not act and not act and not act and then force other people to work things out for him. I think it's lame that I continue to enable him to do that.

How old does DS have to be before it's okay to let XH fall on his own sword? Clearly in this case it's more of a toothpick than a sword, but still!  

 

I know in our case when we place an order online a lot of the times there is no gift wrap option. So whenever SS gets a package from his dad we have it addressed to SS. That way when it arrives to his home BM just gives it to him and he opens the box.

 I am not sure what you meant by the falling on his own sword comment. Did you mean in regards to the wrapping paper? I dont know how much emphasis my SS puts on whether his gift is wrapped or not. He just appreciates that his dad sends him packages. If you meant the running around town thing to pick up his gifts, then I would say DS doesnt need to know the logistics, but his dad can explain the late arrival of a gift. JMHO

fellesferie

FutureMrsWittig:

I think your son is old enough.  And I think if you do too much to cover XH's shortcomings, your son will come to resent you for trying to foster a relationship that will ultimately fail.

My SDs counselor has advised me numerous times to avoid doing too much to make BMs efforts look good, when she doesn't really try herself.  She said my SD will come to feel that I am trying to "trick her" into having a good relationship with her mom, when a good relationship doesn't actually exist.

That said, I still do a lot.  I want SD to have a good relationship with her mom, just like you want your son to have a good relationship with his dad.  I think in this case, what you did was nice.  For me the best test is to ask yourself "Would I want or expect someone to do this for me, if the situation was reversed?"  If the answer is no, then you can skip it and feel no guilt. 

In the future, unless XH specifically asks you to wrap the gifts, just give them to your son in the box they came in. 

You brought up some good points. He didn't ask me to wrap them, so maybe I need to let go of the idea that he expects me to do it. Thanks!  

fellesferie

la79al:

I don't know why I'm being so snarky.  You started out saying it's a small thing.  Sorry.

It's cool. I don't mind. And I appreciate your perspective. 

Sigir

fellesferie:

FutureMrsWittig:

I think your son is old enough.  And I think if you do too much to cover XH's shortcomings, your son will come to resent you for trying to foster a relationship that will ultimately fail.

My SDs counselor has advised me numerous times to avoid doing too much to make BMs efforts look good, when she doesn't really try herself.  She said my SD will come to feel that I am trying to "trick her" into having a good relationship with her mom, when a good relationship doesn't actually exist.

That said, I still do a lot.  I want SD to have a good relationship with her mom, just like you want your son to have a good relationship with his dad.  I think in this case, what you did was nice.  For me the best test is to ask yourself "Would I want or expect someone to do this for me, if the situation was reversed?"  If the answer is no, then you can skip it and feel no guilt. 

In the future, unless XH specifically asks you to wrap the gifts, just give them to your son in the box they came in. 

You brought up some good points. He didn't ask me to wrap them, so maybe I need to let go of the idea that he expects me to do it. Thanks!  

Ita. I know for me, it is SO easy for me to fall back into the patterns that were established in my old marriage. I find myself automatically solving problems for exh quite often. Less now than a year ago, but I still do it and it makes me mad! But I just have to stop for a min, take a step back, and recognize that I am following this pattern, and then stop solving the problem for exh... And then I feel better.

I think in this case, esp since you know ds will love the gifts with or without wrapping, it's a case where you have to take a step back and not fall into the pattern of automatically doing something for him.

LoveActually4

I'd throw it all in a gift bag, no tissue or anything and say "these and from your Dad!".

That way he can take them out of the bag with a small element of opening but not go to the trouble of wrapping.

Littlejen22

For the box I would not wrap it, the box will serve like a gift bag and opening the box would have Ben just as exciting for him. If the store did not offer wrapping then there wa no choice, if you don't want to go through this again I would tell him about the store.

J&A2008

piffle42:

Happy birthday to your son!

Yes! I'm glad someone thought to say this. 

fellesferie

piffle42:

Happy birthday to your son!

Thanks! He's having a great day--er week. His sister's birthday is Jan 20, then we had a big joint Day of Fun on Jan 21, he opened presents w/ MIL on Jan 22, he's getting a few more presents and pizza today, and now they've just canceled school tomorrow for inclement weather, lol.  

Littlejen22

I had not read all the replies but I promise no matter how bad things are with SD and her BM she never once was annoyed that the box was not wrapped, honestly a box delivered for her was more exciting than any wrapping paper, even if the gifts were for an 11yo and SD was 14.

awesomenus1341

*HiS ChAmAoLe GiRL*:

fellesferie:

I know in our case when we place an order online a lot of the times there is no gift wrap option. So whenever SS gets a package from his dad we have it addressed to SS. That way when it arrives to his home BM just gives it to him and he opens the box.

 I am not sure what you meant by the falling on his own sword comment. Did you mean in regards to the wrapping paper? I dont know how much emphasis my SS puts on whether his gift is wrapped or not. He just appreciates that his dad sends him packages. If you meant the running around town thing to pick up his gifts, then I would say DS doesnt need to know the logistics, but his dad can explain the late arrival of a gift. JMHO

This was my thought. My SS is 3, so he loves tearing open packages, but by 6-8 or so kids are usually more excited about what's inside than what they are wrapped in. Also, men don't always think about that being important, I know my DH will straight out tell me "I am buying you xyz for your birthday/christmas/etc." and then he will go to the store, come home and hand it to me in the bag. He only remembers to take the receipt out. If it weren't for me, none of SS's gifts would ever be wrapped. For his birthday last year, I had to explain that it did not matter that he could tell his gift was a bike with the bag over it, the point was to be able to open the bag and see it, even if he knew what it was! Maybe YXH didn't even think about wrapping it? As far as running around town, yes it's annoying, does he live near by? Could he have reasonably picked the gift up? Or is he far away where the gift had to be delivered, some places online only ship to the store? I could see if it was something expensive that he was having delivered, having it delivered to the store to be picked up to make sure the right person got it. (Or for example, we got a roller coaster for Christmas for SS that was supposed to come in 3 boxes, which we had delivered to the store so we could get them all at once). If he could reasonably pick it up himself, I would have been annoyed and told him to get it himself, and if it was late, it was late. But, I also understand wanting things to be right for YS. Either way, Happy Birthday to him!

morgan234

I often have this issue with my ex of "picking up the slack" 

maybe just acknowledge the fact that its not your responsibility, before doing it for him. If you are going to just keep doing those things, he will always expect it. if you bring it to his ttention, he may start doing it himself. 

I brought a similar small issue up to my ex, and he didnt think of it that way, and although I told him it was "that big" of a deal, he realized it was nt my job and no longer asks me to do such things.  

happywife2b

He isn't forcing you to do anything, and you are definitely creating a negative situation in your mind. Goodness, then man got your child at lest two gifts. Wrapping is not necessary. It doesn't even matter. Do you think kids sit around wondering what kind of wrapping paper their gifts will have? Why not give the man credit for buying the gifts, and post something positive about how you are grateful that he remembered and made a sincere effort?

fellesferie

awesomenus1341:

Maybe YXH didn't even think about wrapping it? As far as running around town, yes it's annoying, does he live near by? Could he have reasonably picked the gift up? 

No, he lives 1200 miles away. He couldn't have picked it up.

The issue was simply timing. By the time he sat down to order/buy, there wasn't enough time to have it shipped. 

fellesferie

morgan234:

I brought a similar small issue up to my ex, and he didnt think of it that way, and although I told him it was "that big" of a deal, he realized it was nt my job and no longer asks me to do such things.  

Thanks for the suggestion.

XH is really difficult to talk with about anything like this. Maybe it's my tone and how I handle it, but any time we have to discuss anything he gets very defensive. It's like he has a hard time hearing that everything he does isn't exactly the perfect thing.

We just had this issue that I posted about where he was essentially lying to DS saying that he was working on moving here. We went back and forth about it and he refused to see any possibility that lying to DS could damage him and their relationship. Then he threw up his hands and said I could tell DS the truth.

So I imagine this present issue just came too quickly after that.  

fellesferie

happywife2b:

He isn't forcing you to do anything, and you are definitely creating a negative situation in your mind. Goodness, then man got your child at lest two gifts. Wrapping is not necessary. It doesn't even matter. Do you think kids sit around wondering what kind of wrapping paper their gifts will have? Why not give the man credit for buying the gifts, and post something positive about how you are grateful that he remembered and made a sincere effort?

Lol, sorry, no. No, like I said, I don't think he gets a pat on the back for remembering to get birthday presents for his only child. 

This is a bit off topic, but I'm kind of incredulous that the bar gets set so low for many men. I see so much of "at least he remembered his birthday!" or "at least he puts the laundry in the basket!" or "at least he puts his dishes in the sink!"  

But I do agree that the only place it's a negative situation is in my head. I didn't wrap anything. It was fine.

I get the argument that kids don't care about gifts being wrapped. And I think they do and they don't. Of course they aren't going to judge or get upset. But when kiddos are young, half the fun of getting a gift is ripping off the paper. I would not get a birthday/Christmas gift for a child and not wrap it or stick a big bow on it. But whatever.. it's a small thing.