DH taking matters on his own hands

acbfreire

DH has a 9 yr DD. BM is a very difficult person and whenever possible, does not obey CO.

She did not send SD for xmas, as she was supposed to. It was her turn to pay for the ticket.BM pays for xmas/ thanksgiving and spring break, DH pays for 2 summer visits.

DH wants to pay for SD to come for visitation next weekend. Otherwise she will only come on spring break (BM lives in another state). 

 This would be the first time SD would meet DD (7 mo).

Background: DH was gone for work in the summer and there were no visits; therefore BM thinks he HAS to pay, but CO is very clear on who pays which visit.

BM told SD that DH did not want to buy her xmas ticket. DH is freaking out and wants SD to come ASAP.

I think that he should get visitation made up in court, not on his own. There is no guarantee that he will be reimbursed for the ticket and we are short on money.

Any thoughts?

Ginlyn0

I'm sorry but I think that if you skipped those visits and you want her bad enough, you should just pay. Make it clear that it is one time only and perhaps you need to get the CO changed for each parent to pay for each trip 50/50. Meaning they pay for the child to come to them.  So DH pays for the flight to him, BM pays for the flight back to her. That way, no one can withhold the child.

xmaryrickx

I wouldn't expect BM to pay for this weekend trip. Should she since she didn't for Christmas or thanksgiving? Sure. But that's not going to happen. If he wants to see her for a visit outside of those in the CO he needs to pay. And at this point he needs to do what he needs to do to see his daughter.

twister22

gin9874:

I'm sorry but I think that if you skipped those visits and you want her bad enough, you should just pay. Make it clear that it is one time only and perhaps you need to get the CO changed for each parent to pay for each trip 50/50. Meaning they pay for the child to come to them.  So DH pays for the flight to him, BM pays for the flight back to her. That way, no one can withhold the child.

SD has not met her sister, and even though BM was a b!tch to not send SD for Christmas, I would cut my losses (financially) and pay for SD to visit asap. I would also immediately file contempt on BM. Not sending SD for Christmas when BM is CO'd to do so is MAJOR BS & contempt. Especially when YH has so few visits.

I agree with the bold above, and think when you file contempt (you seriously should file contempt) that you should also ask to have this part of the CO changed. 

moonfaerie

This may be an UO, but I think that being short on money, and since spring break isn't that far away, I'd save the $$ and just wait for her next visit to introduce her to your DD. And definitely file contempt of the CO.

CFjo2010

What does the CO say about visits other than Summer, Christmas and Spring Break? Who pays for those visits?

This is what I'm hearing, and please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. BM thinks that since YH didn't pay for the Summer visits since they didn't happen, he should pay for this visit. You feel that since BM didn't pay for the Christmas visit that didn't happen, she should pay for this visit. Am I correct in my understanding? If so, then you can't really be angry at BM for wanting YH to pay for the visit when you're expecting the same of her for the exact same reason. I agree with PP about splitting the travel costs. That way both parties are responsible for making sure visits happen. If YH wants the visit then he pays for the flight out to him, and if BM wants SD to come home then she pays for the flight back. This will make BOTH parents accountable.

When you say YH was "away for work" during the Summer, do you mean he's gone for several days at a time? Or do you mean he just couldn't get the time off and would have to work while SD is visiting and wouldn't get to see her as much while she's there? You said SD is with YH twice in the Summer, how long is each visit? Personally I'm having a big issue with YH not using his Summer visits. He doesn't get to see SD very often and forfeiting half his visits for the year is upsetting. I'm not saying he shouldn't work during the Summer when SD is visiting because that's not realistic. People have to work, I completely understand. But what kind of work does he do that he wouldn't be around at ALL when she's visiting?

acbfreire

-auntie-:

jobalchak:

What does the CO say about visits other than Summer, Christmas and Spring Break? Who pays for those visits? This is what I'm hearing, and please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. BM thinks that since YH didn't pay for the Summer visits since they didn't happen, he should pay for this visit. You feel that since BM didn't pay for the Christmas visit that didn't happen, she should pay for this visit. Am I correct in my understanding? If so, then you can't really be angry at BM for wanting YH to pay for the visit when you're expecting the same of her for the exact same reason. I agree with PP about splitting the travel costs. That way both parties are responsible for making sure visits happen. If YH wants the visit then he pays for the flight out to him, and if BM wants SD to come home then she pays for the flight back. This will make BOTH parents accountable. When you say YH was "away for work" during the Summer, do you mean he's gone for several days at a time? Or do you mean he just couldn't get the time off and would have to work while SD is visiting and wouldn't get to see her as much while she's there? You said SD is with YH twice in the Summer, how long is each visit? Personally I'm having a big issue with YH not using his Summer visits. He doesn't get to see SD very often and forfeiting half his visits for the year is upsetting. I'm not saying he shouldn't work during the Summer when SD is visiting because that's not realistic. People have to work, I completely understand. But what kind of work does he do that he wouldn't be around at ALL when she's visiting?

This.

This summer, was he away the entire time (like deployed or on an oil rig)? Or could he have taken a weekend to fly to visit her? Not as great as a week with you guys but at least a chance to see each other.

He worked all summer out-of-state, so he could not be at home at all. I was home alone with DD . We asked BM for an earlier visitation and she denied it, so SD did not come to visit us.

DH went to visit her for a weekend in September. He went to BM's town. 

Our CO says that he pays for the 2 summer visits and BM pays for Thanksgiving/ Xmas and Spring Break. It is spelled out who pays which trip.

CFjo2010

acbfreire:

He worked all summer outofstate, so he could not be at home at all. I was home alone with DD . We asked BM for an earlier visitation and she denied it, so SD did not come to visit us.DH went to visit her for a weekend in September. He went to BM's town.nbsp;Our CO says that he pays for the 2 summer visits and BM pays for Thanksgiving/ Xmas and Spring Break. It is spelled out who pays which trip.

Ok, I get it a bit more. I'm really glad YH made a trip out to see SD when he was unable to use his Summer visits. I'm sorry BM was unwilling to work with YH to figure out alternate dates for the Summer.

Since the CO only addresses specific holiday visits as far as who pays for which trip, I'm assuming these additional trips aren't addressed. How long is the flight for SD to come visit?

As PPs said, definitely file contempt on BM's refusal to send SD for Christmas. But do it quick since its already been a few weeks. Get a modification and maybe include language such as, "Father is to have Christmas, Spring Break and 2 additional visits throughout the year". That way if Summer ever becomes an issue again, YH can make up those visits at some other time. Also, depending on how long the flight is for SD, maybe YH can get a few 3day weekend visits. Have SD fly out Friday after school and fly home Monday afternoon. This will give YH a few more visits throughout the year. Obviously that would only work if the flights are short, but at least then YH won't have to go so long between the holiday visits.

moonfaerie

jobalchak:

Also, depending on how long the flight is for SD, maybe YH can get a few 3day weekend visits. Have SD fly out Friday after school and fly home Monday afternoon. This will give YH a few more visits throughout the year. Obviously that would only work if the flights are short, but at least then YH won't have to go so long between the holiday visits.

Your intentions are good with this suggestion, but even with short flights this still may not be a realistic option. My SD also lives out of state, and it's a 4 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport for her. Her mom would have to take off a whole day of work to get her to the airport. For us and for her mom, the expense of the flight and her mom missing work and driving that far just are not worth it for short visits. Obviously OP's situation could be very different, though.

I do think changing the language of the CO to include Christmas or Thanksgiving, spring break, and two other week-long (or however long) visits throughout the year is a great suggestion.

acbfreire

moonfaerie:

jobalchak:

Also, depending on how long the flight is for SD, maybe YH can get a few 3day weekend visits. Have SD fly out Friday after school and fly home Monday afternoon. This will give YH a few more visits throughout the year. Obviously that would only work if the flights are short, but at least then YH won't have to go so long between the holiday visits.

Your intentions are good with this suggestion, but even with short flights this still may not be a realistic option. My SD also lives out of state, and it's a 4 1/2 hour drive to and from the airport for her. Her mom would have to take off a whole day of work to get her to the airport. For us and for her mom, the expense of the flight and her mom missing work and driving that far just are not worth it for short visits. Obviously OP's situation could be very different, though.

I do think changing the language of the CO to include Christmas or Thanksgiving, spring break, and two other week-long (or however long) visits throughout the year is a great suggestion.

The CO even specifies the dates (window of dates for visitation). BM likes to play games. She can afford to do that, we can't. 

FutureMrsWittig

Pay for the visit, keep your reciept, and then file contempt.  If she isn't paying when she's supposed to pay, then it's contempt of court.  But if you wait to get the visits court-ordered and paid for by BM you might go without seeing her until Spring or Summer.  And if that happens I agree with Wendi, it's a pissing match.  If your DH really wants to see his daughter he will make it happen, especially since he missed two visits this summer, and didn't have to pay those travel expenses.

Get your SD out for a visit.  Then contact a lawyer, sue for contempt and include your attorney's fees.

And I agree with whoever suggested ammending the CO to make travel costs split 50/50 for each visit.  It will save you headaches.